Breakup with partner with BPD - need support

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post.

I entered into a relationship with my ex-partner who has BPD about 15 months ago. It went through the typical stages which I have become familiar with reading more online, the honeymoon phase, the heated arguments, rebonding, and cycling that over and over. My personality is that of a care-taker, so I tend to look after other people's needs before my own. That has sort of encapsulated our relationship. Any of her issues, we talked about and I supported her, but when it came to me it could never be provided. She also knows she has BPD, but has never done any work towards it. This was apparent whenever we would try and discuss an issue and it always exploded for her. I always tried to maintain a calm tone and offered times to revisit the conversation, but she would persist and many times she would threaten me saying the relationship is over or turn to name-calling or nitpicking at other things (and expressing huge guilt after its done). Last Monday, I decided to end the relationship because of a final event (my epiphany) which I could explain if people want to hear. The end of this relationship has made me feel like I do not exist to her. I read about it, the disassociation, splitting, etc. but I was not prepared for how it would make me feel. I still love her and breaking up while still in love is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I spoke to a therapist yesterday and have friends through the process, but am still seeking support and I would love to share more with others who have similar experiences. Thank you everyone.

[Banana91]

Hello everyone,

This is my first post.

I entered into a relationship with my ex-partner who has BPD about 15 months ago. It went through the typical stages which I have become familiar with reading more online, the honeymoon phase, the heated arguments, rebonding, and cycling that over and over. My personality is that of a care-taker, so I tend to look after other people's needs before my own. That has sort of encapsulated our relationship. Any of her issues, we talked about and I supported her, but when it came to me it could never be provided. She also knows she has BPD, but has never done any work towards it. This was apparent whenever we would try and discuss an issue and it always exploded for her. I always tried to maintain a calm tone and offered times to revisit the conversation, but she would persist and many times she would threaten me saying the relationship is over or turn to name-calling or nitpicking at other things (and expressing huge guilt after its done). Last Monday, I decided to end the relationship because of a final event (my epiphany) which I could explain if people want to hear. The end of this relationship has made me feel like I do not exist to her. I read about it, the disassociation, splitting, etc. but I was not prepared for how it would make me feel. I still love her and breaking up while still in love is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

I spoke to a therapist yesterday and have friends through the process, but am still seeking support and I would love to share more with others who have similar experiences. Thank you everyone.

[alterK]

Hi Banana, welcome to the board. You will find others here who have gone through experiences similar to yours. It ain't easy.

One thing many of us have discovered is that it's easy to fall in love with a pwBPD (person with BPD). Sex on the first date and then the excitement continues. People with BPD tend to see others as all good or all bad, and when you are in the all good phase you get admiration and affirmation that are wonderful. But eventually the relationship begins to fail, comes apart, and you are then the devil incarnate. You look back and start kicking yourself in the rear end for not having seen the handwriting on the wall. In my case it took the better part of two decades. Maybe people like you are luckier--or smarter--than I was.

My W moved out without notice and filed for divorce a year and a half ago. I think it was easier for me than it might have been, because the relationship had been deteriorating for 2-3 years. I had been struggling to save the marriage, but she was depressed and made it clear she no longer loved me. After I got over the initial shock, which took a couple of months, I actually felt relieved.

The misery is real, but so is the hope for recovery. A thing you have to accept is that a relationship with a person like this is doomed to fail. It is very much the exception for the relationship to continue, or at least continue happily. I hope you have a decent therapist. Feel free to share thoughts, experiences here, anything else.