Don't know how to cope with sister with BPD

[LondonSibling]

So glad to have found this forum as reading a lot of these posts make me feel that I am not alone in what is happening between my sister and my family.

My sister is in her 40s and until recently was living in Canada where she had been for the past decade - me and my family live in the UK. She has always been 'difficult' and 'awkward' and from the age of 14 would threaten suicide if things weren't going her way. She has always blamed everyone for everything and never takes any accountability for her actions or how her life has panned out - she is single and doesn't have children. She got diagnosed with BPD in 2016 in Canada.

An example of her behaviour is that she would regularly text us saying she wasn't in a great place, then when we would instantly call she wouldn't answer so that we would worry and then wouldn't return her calls. She would tell boyfriends that she was pregnant when they split up with her, when she wasn't and also cut her arms and sent a pic of it to an ex boyfriend when he finished with her a couple of years ago as well as sending the picture to my parents saying it was their fault.

Over the past year though things have gotten a lot worse.

- In February of this year, she came back to the UK because she was feeling depressed and wanted to seek professional help. Once she was back in the UK, she decided that she would seek treatment in Canada.

- She saw a therapist but stopped seeing them after a few weeks

- Her friends got in touch from Canada and felt that the family should step in as my sister was saying stuff to them that wasn't true and that she was being paranoid - she fell out with all of her friends.

- My sister has decided to come back to the UK and is currently living with my parents who are in their 70s. She was seeing a psychiatrist who prescribed medication but she has now decided that she doesn't want to see that psychiatrist or take the medication that has been prescribed.

- I found a psychologist for her to speak to, which she has been seeing but goes from saying she has made an appointment for the following week, to then saying that she hasn't and whenever she is asked how the session is she says 'we wouldn't understand' and that she doesn't want to talk about it

- I made another appointment with a new psychiatrist who she saw this week and again refused to speak about it after the appointment and won't say what they said. I don't know if she told him she has BPD as she won't open up to us and said she doesn't want this psychiatrist to speak to her last psychiatrist - she said she wants a fresh start with the new one.

- She text me the other day out of the blue and said I need to stop interfering - if I didn't make any of the appointments she wouldn't make any.

- She won't interact with my parents even though she is in their home, tells them that she doesn't want to be here, doesn't want to get better and screams at them - they are constantly worried that she will do something to hurt herself.

- She had a job that she had been in for 8 years but resigned and hasn't worked for the last 6 months and doesn't seem to have any intention of finding one.

- When other family members come and see her she acts normal. I managed to get her to come to a yoga class a few weeks ago and you would never have known anything was wrong - she was chatty etc with everyone in the class.

My parents are at their wits end as she is living with them. They want her to move out but I know that they are scared she will try to kill herself if she is on her own. I have said that they have to set some boundaries, tell her they love her but whilst she is acting like this she can't be living in their house and that they will find her a flat to live in. It is affecting both of their health and I am worried about them.

Any advice of the best way to handle this would be greatly received.

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome to the forums.  I'm very sorry you're stuck in this situation and I'm going to give you some advice that you likely won't want to hear.  It's important that you listen though.

Your sister has mental illness and it is her life.  You are powerless to "fix her" and like she said, you should stop interfering because it ultimately makes matters worse.  What she says to a counselor or psychiatrist is between her and them only, and there's no magic phrase that suddenly fixes her or makes her have a sudden revelation.  Therapy is a slow process of building rapport and trust while slowly working towards the actual problems.  Without the trust, it's literally worthless.  So with you continually asking what was said, it's making your sister want to quit the therapy to avoid that stuff.

For your parents, they need to take back their home with a very simple statement- "That behavior is not welcome here.  We love you and want to help, but if you continue to treat us this way, then you'll have to leave."  Then they have to follow up on that.

Now, you might think, "But what about my sister?  Where will she live?  What will she do?"  Again, that's her problem, not your family's.  She's welcome at home as a contributing member of the family, or she can leave and do her own thing.  It's her choice and it's up to you guys to make her see that it's a choice she has to make.  Coddling her and rewarding bad behavior only makes things worse for everyone.  So everyone must stop doing that.

You'll probably disagree with every word I said at first, which is typical.  None of us are mental health experts at first and our instincts tell us to do the exact opposite of what's healthy for BPD loved ones.  Take a look at some of the links along the top of the page to help you better understand and communicate with your sister; they make a huge difference.

[LondonSibling]

Thanks so much for replying. I know that everything that you’re saying is true. It’s just that our worry is that if she moves out then she won’t look after herself and will fall even lower than she is now and will become even more isolated. She has no friends now to speak with. My cousin tried to get her to go to go out with her but she made an excuse not to. She also thinks my younger sister is plotting against her but won’t say how or with what or why.

At the moment everything is being done for her now with no gratitude. As I said, even her psychiatrist appointments are done by me but if I don’t do them then I know she wont do it.

It’s making everyone around her ill with worry but our biggest fear is she will kill herself as she seems worse than ever right now.

[CC43]

London, I feel for you.  Obviously you love your sister, and you're trying to help, though nothing seems to work.  The more you help, the more obstinate and uncooperative your sister seems, at least at this moment.  That's part of the vexing nature of this condition.  At the same time, you probably are fearful and distraught about the decisions your sister is making, and the impact she's having on you and the rest of your family.

I have a stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD who is in her mid-20s.  When it came to seeing therapists, for a long time she wasn't committed to the process.  She would skip sessions.  She didn't like therapists who challenged her.  She was plain sick of therapy.  She wouldn't follow the regime that was recommended by the doctors.  She went off prescribed medication, too.  I suspect that during this phase, she basically thought that everyone else was the problem, and she wasn't committed to making a change for the better.  I think she was barely "going along" with therapy so she could continue the status quo.  In her case, the status quo conferred many benefits:  maintaining victimhood status, getting away with not studying or working, having others take care of her, having adult freedoms without responsibilities, total financial support, etc.  She was "enabled" for a few years, because she used suicidal threats and gestures whenever she didn't get her way.  She would go back and forth between residences (dorms, mom's place, dad's place,  residential therapy) whenever her needs weren't being met and a new crisis hit.  That sounds a bit like your sister bouncing between countries.  All along my husband had a very hard time enforcing boundaries with her, because it seemed to him that the only alternative was to "through her out on the street" if she didn't comply.  I can understand why a parent is torn about kicking an adult child out when she's acting so dysfunctional and suicidal.

The turning point for my stepdaughter was when she hit "rock bottom."  Her episodes of raging, threats and quitting (school, jobs), meant she lost all her former friends, alienated extended family, lost any semblance of routine and was suicidal.  At times she thought others were "out to get her," and her thinking became very distorted, twisting fact patterns to blame others.  She made several suicide attempts, each one more serious than the one before.  She had multiple hospitalizations.  Only when she ran out of options was she allowed to come back to our home under the condition that she take therapy seriously.  She finally saw that change needed to happen and began cooperating more.  She also collaborated by sharing health information with her dad, her primary ally in the treatment process.  Though there were relapses and setbacks, she's generally moving in a better direction right now.  My point is, she was the one who decided she needed to change, because her life had gotten to be so miserable.  Before that, she was just barely "going along" with it so she could continue the status quo.

[Tangled mangled]

. She also thinks my younger sister is plotting against her but won’t say how or with what or why.

This caught my attention.
I’m wondering if your sister has more serious mental illness than BPD. She is showing signs of persecutory delusions: perhaps she’s on the spectrum between schizophrenia and schizo affective disorder. Pwbpd can also have other comorbid disorders.
In addition to what’s been said, it’s important that you protect yourself first and not enable her. Looks like your parents are now regretting letting her in their home. Pook75 advice is a good idea, your parents need to set boundaries and maybe if you have any concerns for their safety, you may want to consider informing the services. Your sister has survived for years despite threatening to end her life- she will be okay. If you are concerned about her safety inform adult social care - it’s their job to keep her safe.
It’s important that you and your parents do not suffer in silence. If she threatens suicide, involve the police. I live in the UK too and have handled an ex using every service I can get hold of. I know it’s not thesame but at the end of the day the suffering on your family’s part is similar.

[livednlearned]

I completely understand the urge to do whatever you can in your power to help her. She's also pretty good at deflecting these attempts, it seems. However, there are ways to support her without helping her, if that makes sense.

It’s making everyone around her ill with worry but our biggest fear is she will kill herself as she seems worse than ever right now.

Can you pinpoint what the changes are?

Just a thought: I'm curious if she's regressing because she's living with your parents? Even people who don't suffer from BPD can regress when they move back home. On top of that, something counterintuitive I've discovered with BPD sufferers in my life is that if I treat them like children, they will act like children. Meaning, doing things for them that they can do, but won't. It's common for people around someone with BPD to over function and that can sort of have the opposite effect of what we're going for.

The question is how to present a unified front so that everyone supporting her is on the same page. Do you think your parents are willing to work on a step-wise plan to implement boundaries with her? Not all parents find this easy to do. Your sister will need boundaries to help scaffold what comes next. But if your parents are afraid of her hurting herself, they'll have a hard time asserting even small boundaries.

You might be the person who can help them see a way forward that takes into consideration their own fears and what is actually possible. I think many of us see things in fairly limited ways: either option A (BPD sufferer lives with us indefinitely and we are all miserable) or option B (BPD sufferer moves out and tries to hurt herself). Often there are ways to find solutions that fall somewhere in the middle, although it's rarely a simple path or solution.

I don't know if you have something similar in the UK, but here in the US we have NEA-BPD Family Connections programs that are evidenced-based and run by volunteers. Since some of the programming is online, perhaps this might work for you and your parents? The support and advice I received there about suicidal ideation in BPD was priceless.

With my stepdaughter (now 26) we had to get on the same page about her SI not least because it was impacting all of our relationships. It took us about a year and was a total mess while we tried to figure things out. It was hardest for my husband, SD26's dad, but over time he made adjustments and we celebrated even tiny changes like waiting 10 minutes to respond to a text from SD26.

Something I think both comforted SD26 and frustrated her is that we began to respond to SI with roughly the same strategy: "I'm here for you. Want me to be with you when you call the hotline?" So: support + her action. She didn't like the action part.

I think what she wanted was to slide into dysfunction and have people come with her. We slowly found responses that showed how much we cared while creating a unified front that communicated we knew she was capable, and we would be there for her when she took that step.

About the not responding after sending SI by text: I would talk to mental health professionals about how to handle that. Some members here have told loved ones that they will send an ambulance to check on them. We didn't have to do that with SD26 because her personality is such that she doesn't like group hoopla. She prefers having a crisis with one family member in isolation, often telling them not to tell anyone else. When she expressed SI to me and I let her know that I cannot keep secrets from her dad, she stopped talking SI with me. My older stepdaughter began to do the same thing, and SI ended with her too (for the most part). It was hardest for H, who was driving to SD26's apartment 5.5 hours away to check on her. Often she would be perfectly fine when he got there. He had to take a much more graduated approach and feel supported in making his own small changes at an emotional pace he could handle.

It's a strange thing to say, but learning to not do things for someone who can is quite liberating. You can be there and support them and love them and walk with them, but they have to move their feet. A resource that helped me a lot with this is You Don't Have To Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. The chapter on asking validating questions was probably just as helpful for me as it was for SD26. I became the person in the family who led by example thanks to that communication skill. I could support SD26 by being empathetic, and kind of nudge her to go from "ouch" to "what are you going to do to make it better?" and she seemed to be more adult-like around me than when she was with other family members. It's not a silver bullet but it's an excellent communication and relationship skill.  

[Pook075]

It’s making everyone around her ill with worry but our biggest fear is she will kill herself as she seems worse than ever right now.

We all learn differently in life.  For someone with BPD, they learn early on that manipulation can often lead to positive outcomes without consequences.  This was true for my BPD daughter since her sister would always do the right thing, she'd do the wrong thing, and we'd end up having to choose between punishing both kids or rewarding both of them (for example, going somewhere fun if they both behaved).  I'm sure you can relate.

My BPD wife and I just didn't "get it" for a very long time; the right thing to do in those situations is to reward the good kid in front of the bad one.  And what happens?  The bad kid goes ballistic with accusations that we're playing favorites, escalating the situation and doing everything she could to punish us in the process.  Trust me, I've been there and fully understand your fears, because I failed countless times as well and my BPD daughter never saw true consequences of her actions consistently.

But here's the thing, my BPD daughter eventually did learn those lessons after being homeless for years and suffering countless heartbreaks.  She threatened to kill herself and tried several times, but we would not let her return home unless she was willing to follow the rules in place for every single one of us, even me.  You can be kind and help out or you can leave...those are the options and they are set in stone.

Listen very carefully here.  My BPD kid is doing fairly well in life today BECAUSE we finally implemented the same rules for everyone.  Abuse is not tolerated.  Laziness is not tolerated.  Everyone is respected.  It took her 22+ years to figure those simple things out, and looking back it was more our fault (mom and dad) than hers.  Why?  Because every time she threw a tantrum, her mom would give in and reward bad behavior.  Why?  You know why- it's just easier that way and the temper tantrums stop for a litle while.  But it never fully goes away because there's always new demands.

So the home was chaos, everyone was mad at everyone while the whole world revolved around BPD instability...until we did what I'm telling you to do right now.

Today, my BPD daughter is nowhere near perfect at 25 and she still struggles all the time.  But there is also a constant, she loves her parents and treats us with the utmost respect.  If I called her right now and said I needed her, she'd walk out of her job without giving it a second thought.  A few years ago, when she was entitled and refused to take responsibility, she'd respond exactly as your sister responds now.  It's literally a night and day change, but it's because we've finally said "No more.  There are simple rules that you can follow to be a part of our family...or you can do this on your own."

I can't tell you and your parents that if everyone stops walking on eggshells, your sister won't do something stupid or potentially harm herself.  But if she does, then you dial 9-1-1 and let the authorities become involved.  Court-mandated psych holds are very effective...not in actual treatment, but the realization that actions have consequences.  That's the #1 thing she needs right now- clear rules and consequences to understand how the world works.

I get that she's burned bridges...my kid has too.  But if we're being realistic, that's not our problem and it doesn't help if we just mend those things for them.  They need to learn and accept that life is hard and we don't always get what we want, especially when we refuse to earn it.

Take those words to heart because it's the only answer here.  Therapy won't help your sister until she's ready to change, and she has no reason to make efforts if she can just live off mom and dad while treating them like crap.  She has a mental health problem, but all of you are part of the problem...hopefully you can see that now.  Also, please know that I'm not judging here and I say all of this with love and compassion.

[LondonSibling]

Thank you all for your replies. I’m seeing my parents tomorrow and I am going to talk to them about putting boundaries in place and not accepting my sister’s current behaviour. My sister with BPD has been messaging my younger sister tonight calling her a liar for no reason and I’ve had to say not to engage.

Hoping that tough love and making my sister know that she can’t treat us like this and that there are consequences will help.

Again grateful to have found this group.

[Pook075]

Thank you all for your replies. I’m seeing my parents tomorrow and I am going to talk to them about putting boundaries in place and not accepting my sister’s current behaviour. My sister with BPD has been messaging my younger sister tonight calling her a liar for no reason and I’ve had to say not to engage.

Hoping that tough love and making my sister know that she can’t treat us like this and that there are consequences will help.

Again grateful to have found this group.

Just make sure your parents aren't going through this alone, because it will temporarily get worse before it gets better.  Your sister will lash out and blame them for everything, so they'll need some support and reassurance.  Everyone has to stand firm- no more abuse, no more taking advantage of family.  Either she's in (the family) or out....but not both at the same time.

[LondonSibling]

I’m sending an update as my sister threatened to kill herself at my parents so I called an ambulance and also managed to get a family friend who is a psychiatrist to come round. My sister managed to convince everyone that she is fine. I traveled back to my parents and ended up having a screaming row with my sister and said she needed to leave - she said the most hurtful things, my mum was in tears, I was too.. She booked an Uber and said she doesn’t want any help and doesn’t want us to know where she is and that she will kill herself.

I obviously feel so upset and stressed about it and now not sure what to do.

[SaltyDawg]

I’m sending an update as my sister threatened to kill herself at my parents so I called an ambulance and also managed to get a family friend who is a psychiatrist to come round. My sister managed to convince everyone that she is fine. I traveled back to my parents and ended up having a screaming row with my sister and said she needed to leave - she said the most hurtful things, my mum was in tears, I was too.. She booked an Uber and said she doesn’t want any help and doesn’t want us to know where she is and that she will kill herself.

I obviously feel so upset and stressed about it and now not sure what to do.

This is your sister's way of lashing out.  Take a little bit of comfort knowing she did not kill herself on the last threat where you called an ambulance. 

Your sister feelings needs to be validated.

If you know who her best friend is, reach out to that friend, and encourage them to talk to your sister.  A best friend will often validate her emotions, and false narrative.

If you don't know her friend, perhaps send a short text apologizing for making her feel bad (do not apologize for the content as you don't want to validate the invalid).  Perhaps something along the lines of, "Sis, it really upset me seeing you so upset, I am sorry for making you feel so horrible", add a heart or hug emoji, whatever you do when you chat.

See if she responds, encourage her to contact the crisis text line (85258 in the UK) and they can help her out or initiate a rescue if they determine she is a danger to herself.

If she refuses to call the crisis line, make sure you use "I" statements, and avoid using "you" as you do not want to criticise her, make her become defensive, until she calms down back to baseline.

Remember to do self-care whatever that looks like for you to help you get through this crisis.

Take care with self-care.

[Pook075]

I’m sending an update as my sister threatened to kill herself at my parents so I called an ambulance and also managed to get a family friend who is a psychiatrist to come round. My sister managed to convince everyone that she is fine. I traveled back to my parents and ended up having a screaming row with my sister and said she needed to leave - she said the most hurtful things, my mum was in tears, I was too.. She booked an Uber and said she doesn’t want any help and doesn’t want us to know where she is and that she will kill herself.

I obviously feel so upset and stressed about it and now not sure what to do.

I'm really sorry that this happened, but it was a step that had to be taken.  The thing to do is get on with your life because your sister's refusal to accept treatment is not your problem.  It's not your parents problem either.  There's nothing at all for you to do right now except to love your parents and let go of this trauma, this abuse.

Your sister acted predictably, and I would guess that she will continue to do so.  That means she's going to avoid you guys with the threat of suicide in order to punish you.  The thing to do is not let her do her own thing without guilt, she's a grown woman and is responsible for herself.  If she does hurt herself, that's on her and her alone.

What's more likely to happen is that she'll return in time to re-test the waters to see if she can salvage any of the relationships she's destroyed.  She'll likely lead with hate and venom, and that's when you shut that conversation down.  Boundaries matter and even if you don't see it, it's showing her that there are right and wrong ways to speak to someone, to treat them.  Just continue to reinforce that you care about her and want to be a part of her life...but without the abuse and drama.  You're not doing that anymore because of how much it hurts you, your parents, etc.

I know your world is upside down right now, but it unfortunately has to be.  Think of your sister as a hurricane, she's a category 5 right now.  But all hurricanes lose strength eventually.  Your job is to wait that out while she figures out life on her own terms.  Maybe she finds a guy to take her in, or maybe she gets a job.  Who knows, but it is 100% her path to walk and figure out on her own.  Just stick to your constants- abuse is not tolerated, not for you and not for your parents.  We want you to stop that stuff and come home...but you actually have to stop first and learn to appreciate family.

I wish you luck- I know it's horrible.  But she will be okay one way or another and this decision pushes her closer to considering therapy as a real option.

[Pook075]

I'm really sorry that this happened, but it was a step that had to be taken.  The thing to do is get on with your life because your sister's refusal to accept treatment is not your problem.  It's not your parents problem either.  There's nothing at all for you to do right now except to love your parents and let go of this trauma, this abuse.

Your sister acted predictably, and I would guess that she will continue to do so.  That means she's going to avoid you guys with the threat of suicide in order to punish you.  Let her walk her own path though and do not feel guilty about it, she's a grown woman and is responsible for herself.  If she does hurt herself, that's on her and her alone.

What's more likely to happen is that she'll return in time to re-test the waters to see if she can salvage any of the relationships she's destroyed.  She'll likely lead with hate and venom, and that's when you shut that conversation down.  Boundaries matter and even if you don't see it, it's showing her that there are right and wrong ways to speak to someone, to treat them.  Just continue to reinforce that you care about her and want to be a part of her life...but without the abuse and drama.  You're not doing that anymore because of how much it hurts you, your parents, etc.

I know your world is upside down right now, but it unfortunately has to be.  Think of your sister as a hurricane, she's a category 5 right now.  But all hurricanes lose strength eventually.  Your job is to wait that out while she figures out life on her own terms.  Maybe she finds a guy to take her in, or maybe she gets a job.  Who knows, but it is 100% her path to walk and figure out on her own.  Just stick to your constants- abuse is not tolerated, not for you and not for your parents.  We want you to stop that stuff and come home...but you actually have to stop first and learn to appreciate family.

I wish you luck- I know it's horrible.  But she will be okay one way or another and this decision pushes her closer to considering therapy as a real option.

[LondonSibling]

Thank you so much for replying. I find this group so helpful. I need to get on with my life for now as today has been the hardest one in such a long time. I need to remember she’s a grown woman and is responsible for her own life and I can only help her when she wants help.

[Pook075]

Thank you so much for replying. I find this group so helpful. I need to get on with my life for now as today has been the hardest one in such a long time. I need to remember she’s a grown woman and is responsible for her own life and I can only help her when she wants help.

Exactly, this is not your fault. Remember that- you did this to help your sister act responsibly, just like you'd expect from anyone else.  Don't let the mental fog convince you otherwise.

[CC43]

London, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this, and that you've been dealing with it for such a long time.  You did the right thing:  you called an ambulance when she threatened suicide.  My stepdaughter diagnosed with BPD has threatened and attempted suicide many times, and we learned that it's critical to call the ambulance or take her directly to the emergency room, so that she faces the consequences of her behavior.  Predictably, she responded with rage, both in the moment and for months afterwards (How dare you call an ambulance?  You traumatized me!!  You think I belong in a hospital?!?!  I don't want to be with those sickos.  You're cruel.  You're psycho.
You have no idea what I've been through.  You assaulted me, the cops should come for you, not me.  I don't want to go to the hospital, I'm sick of therapy.  It's hopeless.  You made me do it, you're so toxic.  I'd rather be dead.  This is your fault.  etc. etc.).  I'm just saying this so that you're prepared for the possible fall-out.

Please understand that this is not your fault, and that you did not trigger your sister.  You can hope that your sister realizes the gravity of her situation and decides to get some help.  Maybe this could be a turning point for her.  But it sounds like she's digging in her heals, fighting to maintain the status quo, and probably blaming your family for her own outbursts.

It hurts to see a loved one be self-destructive.  If you hurt, it's because you are a loving person and you can't bear to see her in so much pain.  But it's not your fault.  She has to want to change.  You can't make her.  Only when she decides to commit to change, you can provide her support to do so, as long as she treats you right.

I'll add that my stepdaughter eventually got to the point of some self-awareness, because the last time she faced a crisis, she took herself to the emergency room.  In a way, that was a turning point, because she knew what she should do, and she went voluntarily.  Further, my understanding is that after so many incidents, the hospital or therapists informed her that if she attempted suicide again, she might be involuntarily committed, since all other therapeutic options had been exhausted.

My thoughts are with you.  Please take care.

[LondonSibling]

Thank you, it helps so much to know that other people have experienced the same thing. I feel guilty as I lost my temper with her and retaliated when she said some very hurtful things to me - out of upset, anger and frustration and strangely I was the one who ended up upset and she wasn’t. We just have to see how this plays out. I’m also going to find a therapist for myself as the whole situation is starting to affect my mental health and I need to learn how to manage it.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you, it helps so much to know that other people have experienced the same thing. I feel guilty as I lost my temper with her and retaliated when she said some very hurtful things to me - out of upset, anger and frustration and strangely I was the one who ended up upset and she wasn’t. We just have to see how this plays out. I’m also going to find a therapist for myself as the whole situation is starting to affect my mental health and I need to learn how to manage it.

I want to reiterate what others have said, calling an ambulance was the right thing to do.  Her response was an expected one, and if you are not prepared for that type of response it can send us into a tail spin and become quite emotionally charged. 

It is very apparent that you are very concerned about your sister, and there can be several ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) associated with her behavior when she left, and I was trying to give solutions on how you might get some emotional relief.

Please remember, you did not cause this, you cannot cure it, and you cannot fix it.  She is responsible for her actions and inactions as an adult.

Regarding the anger that you had expressed, this is a subconscious behavior that your sister has to make you react (it is called reactive anger/abuse) when you yell back.  Strange as it may seem, she will do this to you, to make her feel better - and she is likely thinking something along the lines of "look who is the one who is acting all crazy, and I am calm."  It is a form of behavior that very much looks like gaslighting to you, and is just as damaging as being gaslit - and this is abusive.

If you haven't done so, I would suggest reading up on the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad which will explain this in much more detail that I just have - it also gives you many powerful tools to manage someone in your life with BPD.

Since you are so upset, I would also recommend doing some self-care whatever that might look like for you to fill your cup back up.

Take care.

[LondonSibling]

Again, thank you so much. What you say happened - I was called aggressive and a psychopath etc and I said things that I regret in the heat of the moment. I’ve downloaded the book and I’m also going to book to see a therapist to talk through the frustration etc.

[LondonSibling]

So my sister left my parents today and stayed silent all weekend. Then early this morning she messaged my dad to say she needed her stuff and to come home. My dad has been strong and said no, she can’t come back and he will drop her stuff off at the hotel she is staying in. She came back with a barrage of abuse, threatened to kill herself, said she was wasting money being in a hotel, wants to go travelling and blaming everyone for the predicament she is in.

I feel so much better that she’s out of my parents’ house and that they have now regained some power in this. I don’t know how this will end. I hope she does use her savings to go traveling so that she is out of the way. I doubt she will. Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. This really has helped.

[SaltyDawg]

Again, thank you so much. What you say happened - I was called aggressive and a psychopath etc and I said things that I regret in the heat of the moment. I’ve downloaded the book and I’m also going to book to see a therapist to talk through the frustration etc.

That book turned my life around with my wife.  She is not liking it; however, it has been beneficial to my children as well as myself.  I learnt how to make and keep effective boundaries that are needed to maintain sanity in the home.  Seeing a therapist has been extremely helpful to me.  If your sister is open to it, you may want to encourage her to do the same.

So my sister left my parents today and stayed silent all weekend. Then early this morning she messaged my dad to say she needed her stuff and to come home. My dad has been strong and said no, she can’t come back and he will drop her stuff off at the hotel she is staying in. She came back with a barrage of abuse, threatened to kill herself, said she was wasting money being in a hotel, wants to go travelling and blaming everyone for the predicament she is in.

I feel so much better that she’s out of my parents’ house and that they have now regained some power in this. I don’t know how this will end. I hope she does use her savings to go traveling so that she is out of the way. I doubt she will. Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. This really has helped.

Thank you for the update.  Right now it is extremely important to keep the new boundaries that your parents and you have set for your sister.  If she is allowed back into the home, it may initially appear to work; however, it will likely get much worse, and the next time you impose the same/similar boundary it will be a lot more difficult to enforce since your sister will assume that you are not steadfast on your willingness to impose that particular boundary.  Make sense?

Take care with self-care.

SD

[Strawberry29]

I really feel for you, and can totally understand what you have gone through, being in a very similar position.
Not sure how much it can help, but I can tell you you probably made the right call: my parents have been in a similar situation for much longer without having the courage to kick him out, and things are just getting worse. Hope this will give your sister the strength to rebuild her life. Stay strong!

PS: from the nickname, I assume you are from London. If you know of any BPD groups for siblings, do let me know. I have looked for one for ages without success.

[SaltyDawg]

PS: from the nickname, I assume you are from London. If you know of any BPD groups for siblings, do let me know. I have looked for one for ages without success.

Strawberry,

There is a Zoom support group that is hosted (but not attended) by Randi Kreger the author of the "Stop Walking on Eggshells" series at https://groups.io/g/MovingForward, look towards the bottom, there is one for parents of children that might be appropriate for you, as it has a similar dynamic to what you are looking for.

I attend support groups that are not specific to BPD, but with similar dynamics in play, and I get a lot out of them.

Take care with self-care.

SD

[LondonSibling]

I really feel for you, and can totally understand what you have gone through, being in a very similar position.
Not sure how much it can help, but I can tell you you probably made the right call: my parents have been in a similar situation for much longer without having the courage to kick him out, and things are just getting worse. Hope this will give your sister the strength to rebuild her life. Stay strong!

PS: from the nickname, I assume you are from London. If you know of any BPD groups for siblings, do let me know. I have looked for one for ages without success.

Thank you and sorry to hear that you’ve been experiencing something similar, it’s tough but somewhat reassuring to know that other people are also dealing with similar situations and are able to give advice. I’ve not look for any support groups but will let you know if I find any.

[Strawberry29]

Many thanks Salty Dawg. I will look into it. I had emailed a group for parents/carers here and tey sugegsted it wasn't the right one, and I should instead go to one for sinlings but more generally about mental health, not specifically BPD. I might go to one each and see which one I find more helpful.

Many thanks!

[Pook075]

So my sister left my parents today and stayed silent all weekend. Then early this morning she messaged my dad to say she needed her stuff and to come home. My dad has been strong and said no, she can’t come back and he will drop her stuff off at the hotel she is staying in. She came back with a barrage of abuse, threatened to kill herself, said she was wasting money being in a hotel, wants to go travelling and blaming everyone for the predicament she is in.

I feel so much better that she’s out of my parents’ house and that they have now regained some power in this. I don’t know how this will end. I hope she does use her savings to go traveling so that she is out of the way. I doubt she will. Again, thank you to everyone for taking the time to respond. This really has helped.

Hey London, I'm so sorry I missed this update; I've been dealing with an equally volatile situation with my BPD daughter.

This is all good stuff- your parents are regaining their sanity and you have some peace of mind.  I would caution to show empathy when your sister is ready to try being an adult once again, but it's great that everyone is standing their ground and not being walked on anymore.  You'll know when the time comes to show your sister support because you'll see some actual growth in her mindset towards being a family member.

Please continue to update us when you can since we always hear about the chaos, yet we rarely get to see stories about the happy endings (since the abuse and trauma have stopped).  Stories like this are so important for the community because it shows accepting bad behavior is an actual choice that you can stop at anytime.

Also, please let us know if you or your parents have any questions- we're always here!

[SaltyDawg]

Many thanks Salty Dawg. I will look into it. I had emailed a group for parents/carers here and tey sugegsted it wasn't the right one, and I should instead go to one for sinlings but more generally about mental health, not specifically BPD. I might go to one each and see which one I find more helpful.

Many thanks!

Strawberry,

You're welcome.

Here is my thinking, I know when I was a child, I was parentified to an extent.  I know my daughter was parentified by my wife, and by extension, me too.  So, if one is playing the role of parent in the relationship, even though they may be the sibling or child of the pwBPD, the feeling of being a parent of your sibling ( who may be treated as a child to the parentified caretaker ) a similar dynamic might be present.

Does this make sense?

Be sure to continue self-care, as this can be so emotionally draining.

Take care.

SD

[SaltyDawg]

Strawberry,

   I didn't finish editing the above, and there is no edit button.

   I did so something similar and try many different groups until I found one or two that resonated with me regarding my care of my pwBPD.

   I wish you the best of luck to find the support that you need in addition to us here, which I have found invaluable.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[LondonSibling]

Hey London, I'm so sorry I missed this update; I've been dealing with an equally volatile situation with my BPD daughter.

This is all good stuff- your parents are regaining their sanity and you have some peace of mind.  I would caution to show empathy when your sister is ready to try being an adult once again, but it's great that everyone is standing their ground and not being walked on anymore.  You'll know when the time comes to show your sister support because you'll see some actual growth in her mindset towards being a family member.

Please continue to update us when you can since we always hear about the chaos, yet we rarely get to see stories about the happy endings (since the abuse and trauma have stopped).  Stories like this are so important for the community because it shows accepting bad behavior is an actual choice that you can stop at anytime.

Also, please let us know if you or your parents have any questions- we're always here!

Thank you and sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble with your daughter. My sister is still in a hotel. She has been texting my dad a lot with rambling, blaming messages. He’s offered to help her with a flat which she doesn’t want but my parents have stood their ground and have said that she can’t move back into their house. She made suicide threats and I said I’d call the police if she did it again and she stopped and today has been silent. I’m thinking so she makes us worry but we’ve not been in touch with her either.  I’m just hoping she does seek professional help.

[Pook075]

Thank you and sorry to hear that you’ve been having trouble with your daughter. My sister is still in a hotel. She has been texting my dad a lot with rambling, blaming messages. He’s offered to help her with a flat which she doesn’t want but my parents have stood their ground and have said that she can’t move back into their house. She made suicide threats and I said I’d call the police if she did it again and she stopped and today has been silent. I’m thinking so she makes us worry but we’ve not been in touch with her either.  I’m just hoping she does seek professional help.

Here's the thing.  Your sister is thinking, "They're going to do it my way...they always have."  But suddenly, that way is shut off and she's doing exactly what she's always done to get her way.  And because it's not working, she's becoming more unhinged...what's she doing wrong?  Why is her family so cold?  Why is this happening?

One of two things will happen.  She will stabilize and adjust her attitude towards your parents.  Maybe it's even for real this time (probably not).  Or it can go the other way, she destabilizes, and it means that she'll need to seek professional help.  Either way though, the situation improves by making her responsible here.

There is always a real chance she harms herself or makes incredibly impulsive decisions that puts her in harm's way.  But that's true for anyone.  You said that your sister has some resources and that's a good thing- hopefully she goes on vacation to find herself and has a great adventure.  While I'm rooting for you and your parents, I'm rooting for your sister as well. 

There is a version of this where everyone wins and that's your sister in therapy with the right mindset to succeed.  For now, your job is to be supportive of her stability while also standing firm on boundaries.  My version of that would be, "I love you, I want you in my life, and I understand how hard this is for you.  I really hope you make better decisions so we can move past all of this stuff."