Don't know how to cope with sister with BPD

[LondonSibling]

Hope everyone had a good Christmas Day. As I expected, my sister has gone crazy today. She’s in a flat close to my parents which they have rented for her, they asked her for Christmas Day which she refused and has been texting today saying she’s going to kill herself. It honestly just feels never ending. I’ve told my parents to block her but they won’t although at least she’s not in their space which is something. You just can’t reason with her. I’ve had to block her from my phone as I just can’t bear to hear from her.

[Pook075]

Hope everyone had a good Christmas Day. As I expected, my sister has gone crazy today. She’s in a flat close to my parents which they have rented for her, they asked her for Christmas Day which she refused and has been texting today saying she’s going to kill herself. It honestly just feels never ending. I’ve told my parents to block her but they won’t although at least she’s not in their space which is something. You just can’t reason with her. I’ve had to block her from my phone as I just can’t bear to hear from her.

Merry Christmas, and I'm so sorry things went as expected.  I didn't see the BPD's in my life yesterday either and to be honest, I didn't think about them much either.  I enjoyed the day with family I did see and that's more than enough.

One thing though, when your sister threatens suicide, someone must dial 9-1-1 every time.  They'll do a wellness check and force her to get a mental evaluation, so it teaches her quickly not to make those threats.  It also takes the burden off of you guys and places it in the hands of medical professionals, which is always the best case scenario.

I'm also sorry your parents rented her an apartment, but I suppose it's a fair compromise to keep her out of their home.

[LondonSibling]

Merry Christmas, and I'm so sorry things went as expected.  I didn't see the BPD's in my life yesterday either and to be honest, I didn't think about them much either.  I enjoyed the day with family I did see and that's more than enough.

One thing though, when your sister threatens suicide, someone must dial 9-1-1 every time.  They'll do a wellness check and force her to get a mental evaluation, so it teaches her quickly not to make those threats.  It also takes the burden off of you guys and places it in the hands of medical professionals, which is always the best case scenario.

I'm also sorry your parents rented her an apartment, but I suppose it's a fair compromise to keep her out of their home.

Thank you for replying so quickly and so pleased to hear that you had a good Christmas Day. Very deserved I’m sure. Yes I’ve messaged her and said that if she threatens suicide to my dad that I’ll call the police. My parents are reluctant to but I’ve said I’ll do it, the issue is that she’s mostly messaging them and then it’s try to get them to put boundaries in place and keep to them which they’re not great at. I’ve had to reiterate to my sister that I love her but I can’t have her in my life with the way she’s currently acting.

Sorry I always feel like I come here with an issue. Sometimes it’s good just to write it down to help offload.

[SaltyDawg]

Holidays can be very triggering for the borderline...

Fortunately, I was able to maneuver mine (with a lot of extra emotional work) to a space where she was regulated (did not become disregulated), and I think her therapist did some work with her on that too, which is getting better for our children and me.

I am sorry that you had a not-so-Merry Christmas.  You did what you had to do to protect yourself emotionally.

I agree with Pook that you should ring 999 (UK), or 112 (EU)  [911 (US)] and have a wellness check on her, especially if she has texted she wants to kill herself so her mental health can be evaluated.

Keep the firm boundaries, until she learns that kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Keep taking care with self-care.

SD

[CC43]

London, I feel for you.  You must be feeling desperate and frightened.

You might have read that I have a stepdaughter with BPD, who was suicidal for years, but now seems a little more stable after receiving therapy and medication.  Her father and I invited her to spend Christmas with us, along with her siblings and other extended family members.  The choice was entirely hers regarding a visit.  As I was expecting, she did not show up on Christmas Day, because she hates her siblings and an aunt, her current targets of blame for past "traumas."  Nevertheless, we spent a lovely, tension-free Christmas with the rest of the family.  The upshot is that my stepdaughter did come for a brief visit on Christmas Eve, before the rest of the family had arrived.  So she wasn't entirely alone for the holiday season.  I think that was the best outcome that could be expected at this point.  I'm writing this to illustrate that there can be progress with therapy.

London, my stepdaughter is in a better place right now.  Previously she was threatening suicide regularly (basically whenever she faced a disappointment or didn't get what she wanted), and she made four attempts, each one more serious than the last.  We eventually learned that suicidal gestures or attempts must be met with the consequence of calling 911 or going to the hospital.  Otherwise we faced a suicidal arms race, with unilaterally assured destruction.

Thus I'd reiterate:  threats of suicide should come with the consequence of calling 911.  Otherwise your sister will continue this tactic, putting you and your parents in a terrible bind, and she won't get the help she desperately needs.  I know it's hard.  My husband once asked me to pretend that my stepdaughter didn't try to kill herself, because he couldn't bear to see her spend another week in a hospital.  In addition, he was frightened and in shock.  At that moment, I said that he had to take her to the hospital, because she wasn't well!  She was desperately crying for help.  Ignoring her would probably make things worse--BPDs need validation.  By calling 911, you're on your sister's side and hearing her pleas for help.  In the short term, she might be furious at you, but it's probably because she didn't get what she thought she wanted.  Her thinking isn't straight right now.

I know this is incredibly difficult for you.  This is a great site for understanding, tips and venting.

[livednlearned]

I’ve messaged her and said that if she threatens suicide to my dad that I’ll call the police. My parents are reluctant to but I’ve said I’ll do it, the issue is that she’s mostly messaging them and then it’s try to get them to put boundaries in place and keep to them which they’re not great at.

Would you and your parents consider seeing a therapist together as a family? Just the three of you. Suicide ideation is complex. Some pwBPD find relief when they're admitted for suicide ideation because it provides a break from stressors. Not that your sister is motivated in that way, only to suggest that she's complex, your family is complex, the way her BPD presents is unique to her and there is likely not a one-size fits all approach.

A therapist might be able to help you all get on the same page so you're not carrying the weight of the whole family, which seems unfair to you and a huge responsibility, especially if this situation takes a turn for the worse or goes on a long time, or both. You're carrying a lot of people in this scenario and it may be great to do this as a catalyst but at some point LondonSibling needs to go back to being their daughter. 

A therapist can help you determine what you're doing well to avoid reinforcing suicidal behaviors, and where there's room for improvement, and where things will probably remain fuzzy.

Sometimes when we are exhausted by SI we put all our efforts into holding the fort and it can be easy to become rigid. We can ignore small gestures that could counter the shock of the changes we're making.

H and I did sessions with a therapist, and we did one session with my (non) BPD stepdaughter to specifically discuss SD26 suicidal ideation. For the most part we got on the same page and learned things in those sessions that are specific to our family dynamics, especially to H.

You are doing something in the family that is profound, and your parents are willing to listen and try something new, and there is sunlight on this troubling behavior. It's something to be cherished -- not all families will have this. If it is something your parents will do with you, getting your situation in front of a therapist could help unburden some of this from your shoulders and give them a way to acquire the skills they need to develop.