I was sick over Christmas

[Bassmaster2020]

Hi this this my first post.  I been reading "Stop walking on Egg Shells",  I've been with my girlfriend for nearly two years.

It's been a rollercoaster.   Although it's not diagnosed,  nor have I suggested to her she has BPD  she displays a LOT of the characteristics.

I decided to start reading "stop.walking on eggshells" initially to try to understand her splitting which she does regularly. 

It's been a bit of an eye opener, the deeper I go the more and more of her behaviours that have baffled my have started to make sense. 

This Christmas has been a massive struggle mentally for me due to the conflict in the relationship she has created.

We had plans we were due to go out with her family on Christmas eve,  spend the night at night together, wake up together and spend Christmas morning together, visit my family, have a late lunch with her family, back to mine after where we would spend a couple of days alone together. 

The plan was bliss, we were super excited about it and really looking forward to it.

Then a few days before Christmas I got sick.   Really sick!!!!

We communicated lots,  she was really supportive, concerned and also sad (but understood).   

Xmas eve comes.  I was able to go out as planned and told her to enjoy her time with her family and hopefully we could see each other Christmas day.

We text lots before bed.   Everything seems okay (as best they can be), I'm still really sick.

Christmas day comes I'm a little better, not well enough to leave the house but my fever has gone down slightly, I'm no longer constantly vomiting, and my extreme diarrhea has started to become more manageable (I pooped my pants twice the day before, it was that bad!).


I video call her in the morning, we text , talk.  She is very loving and supportive.   Makes plans to see me after the late lunch with her family. 

I tell her how much I miss her, would love to see her (I let her know I'm still ill and I could be infectious).   

She says she still wants to come to spend time with me.    So we excitedly make plans. 

She arrives , although I'm not 100% we have a nice evening together. 


Next morning it all changes....  She becomes cold and distant gets cranky with me.  Doesn't want to engage, takes herself to bed (just goes upstairs to play on her phone). 


I talk to her later and tell her I understand how hard this must be for her and I see she's struggling and if there is anything I can do. 


She unleashes on me.   The short of it was,  the way I behaved Xmas eve was unacceptable (not wanting to be near her),  I wasn't present enough Xmas night.


I tell I know how hard she has it right now and have so much empathy that our plans were ruined and we didn't have the Christmas we wanted. 

She goes home the next morning (lots of arguing and accusations) , although she leaves on a fairly good note. 


Over the next few days the narrative of what actually happened has completely changed. 


Apparently I've been a complete asshole,  accused of numerous things I didn't say or do.   

The accusations are progressively getting worse and worse.


Finding it particularly hard to deal with.   

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[Rev]

Hi Bassmaster,

Welcome to our BPD family.  Sorry for what has brought you here and I am happy for that you found us.  You'll get a lot of different perspectives on the one thing that unites us - relationships that are characterized by the kind of emotional swings you describe.  At times, it can feel like emotional whiplash - at least it did for me.

It sounds like you're at the stage of scoping things out and little light bulbs are illuminating.  Do I have that correct? And it sorta sounds like you are at a loss as to what to do - "finding it particularly hard to deal with" is what you wrote.

I wonder, when you have time and energy, if you could say more about this sentence?  You haven't asked a specific question yet - so anything I would say in response to the situation would be a stab in the dark - beyond saying that your story rings true.  Just a note - the holidays tend, in general, to be triggering times for people with mood disorders.

At the same time, have you looked into the various "tips and tools" menus of the site.  Those too will help you navigate what you want for yourself - which is a question I think everyone should ask in coming here. What is it that you want for yourself in this relationship (which is different than asking what you don't want - right?)

Hang in there.

Welcome.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Bassmaster2020]

Hi Rev,

The whole situation feels incredibly difficult to navigate.

"finding it particularly hard to deal with"

It refers to with what I'm dealing with right now.  The sickness has mostly subsided, I'm desperate to do something with her. 

I've suggested we make a plan to spend a little quality time together. 

Her only interest is texting me how bad I've made her feel.    Repeatedly going over events changing the narrative e.t.c. 

I keep on listening and understanding how she feels, I genuinely feel really empathetic.   It can't have been easy on her me being so sick , screwing up our Christmas plans.

No doubt she spend the build up for Christmas, feeling isolated from me, worried, disappointed, not connected.   Non of that Christmas warm and togetherness. 

Unfortunately she's trying to displace all these negative emotions shes feeling put them onto me. 

I genuinely see how hurt she is.. but I'm also not absorbing what she's projecting onto me. 


It's not my fault I was ill, I've done nothing wrong. 

All I can do is validate what she's feeling, offer support and I genuinely empathise with how difficult it's been. 

Because I'm not absorbing all the negativity she's extremely frustrated with me.

   It feels like she's holding the time she know I want to spend with her as a ransom.    Absorb her negative feelings, be the bad guy, so she can feel better, then we can spend time together. 


How do I deal with this? 

[Bassmaster2020]

This is pretty much her go too move. 

It's been a pattern that I have been enabling for a little while. 

She will emotionally withdraw/withhold until I give in and accept her narrative that my behaviour is the reason she's feeling so bad about herself.

[Rev]

This is pretty much her go too move. 

It's been a pattern that I have been enabling for a little while. 

She will emotionally withdraw/withhold until I give in and accept her narrative that my behaviour is the reason she's feeling so bad about herself.

Hi Bassmaster,

And happy new year.

Great questions and explanations - you paint a really clear picture of something that is commonly called "push-pull" - a hallmark of these relationships.  Would I be correct in assuming that just as you think you've got the right response to what she says is bothering her, the ground shifts and you are back trying to figure out "what went wrong"?

So there are a few things here for us to start with.

1) Why do you think that you enable this pattern (the one I quoted above)?  Put another way, what emotional hook is a play that gets you to play this game?  Are you afraid that something will happen? Are you compensating for some lack of self confidence?  Or might it be something along those lines but slightly different?

2) In your previous post - you talk about dealing with the patterns getting worse and worse over time.  Have you come across the term "supply" yet in your reading - as in you are "emotional supply" to her?  In GENERAL, this pop-psychology term refers to a pwBPD needing an "emotional hit" from someone. Like any "substance", a "user" will develop a tolerance, and so will need greater and greater doses to get the desired effect.   In the case of a person with BPD, the challenge is that they lack the ability to make contact with their own emotional response system in a way that they can make sense of the world. In the absence of that, they literally feed off the emotional response systems of others.  So, if they know that they are feeling angry, for example, but they don't know why or more precisely, can't figure out why, then there is a good chance that they will provoke someone and then now have a reason to feel angry.   I like to say that pwBPD are prone to living a world of "feelings based facts".  If she's feeling lousy about herself, but can't figure out why, then you can become the reason and then her world makes sense to her.

3) How to handle this?  Well, the first thing is to understand that BPD is a condition - it can be treated but it can't be "cured" so to speak. Like someone who has dietary issues - like diabetes or crones - pwBPD are prone to emotional flare ups that can come out of nowhere.  Many people who come here ask the same question - how do I "deal" with my partner as if to say, how to I help their condition "improve" over time?  This question is really best answered by first looking at these basic questions regarding any relationship:

 - What are you available for in terms of living with emotional instability?
 - What behaviors in another person are off limits?
 - What are you hoping to receive in a relationship?  How much of that do you need - and I mean that in concrete terms - as in 10% of the time, 50% of the time, etc.....

If you choose to do this analysis, be really honest with yourself, because if you are here, there are obviously gaps between what you need and what you are getting. It sound like you are trying to "make an effort" so that eventually those gaps will be closed. I am suggesting that the main way to "close those gaps" is to clear about your expectations vs the limits of your partner's capacity to meet those needs.

I know that may sound pretty cut and dry, clinical, and void of hope even. And I would suggest that this kind of honesty makes it possible for you to make clear choices. If you love her, and want her in your life, then the next step will be to be realistic about what it will take to love her as she is before wondering how to help her change, etc....

What do you think?

Hope this helps.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[Bassmaster2020]

The majority of the time the relationship is really good.  It's when she's struggling with her feelings there ends up being massive and unnecessary drama over the smallest of things.

I don't believe she's holds any accountability for her own negative emotions.  She perceives she isn't feeling  great , then looks for someone/something to blame. 

She thrives on playing victim. 

That's the thing there isn't a right response, the goalposts will just shift.   It's never about trying to achieve resolution, or identify a problem and working through it. 

I truly believe it's about dumping her negative emotions onto somebody else.    So she will escalate and change the goalposts,  invent arguments, whatever.

Which she has escalated it to a major conflict, I think that's the point she can blame/dump  her negative emotions. 

When I say "deal with", it's how not to get hooked and pulled into some insane conflict.

1)  I get hooked into it because she's my girlfriend I care about her.   If she's feeling down I'll ask her about it, engage with her, try to comfort her , support her and be there for her. 

The problem with that is she will make up some accusations,  or a reason that she's feeling this way because "I did this" or "I didn't do this " or whatever. 

The logical part of my brain, thinks to myself "hold up a minute" , "that didn't happen",  "she's mad at me over that?"

I'll justify myself, defend my position,  explain, be logical about it. 

This is where it escculates fast and goalposts change, it'll quickly become about arguments we had 6 or 12 months ago.  I get accused of things I didn't do or happen.

I can barely keep up.  She goes deeper down the rabbit hole,  pulling out random reasons on  why I'm the bad guy.

It's so confusing. Half the time I don't even know what she's even mad about it, it makes zero sense logically.

So I try to communicate, talk through it, work towards resolution, be logical,   which feels like throwing gasoline on the fire.

That's how I get hooked and drawn in.  I try to defend and justify, communicate, seek understanding. 

I think the whole process for her (not intentionally) is simply to dump negative emotions, escalate into a big conflict, defer/blame/dump her negative emotions onto me.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I make mistakes,  have bad days, but I do try to hold myself accountable for my own actions.  I'm a good guy in general, and accept responsibility if I have done something or could have acted in a better way.

But with my girlfriend,  it isn't about something I've done.  Not really.    It's that she feels bad about herself for whatever reason, and needs someone to blame / be  responsible for those emotions.




I'n response to point 2).   It feels exactly like that!


Point 3).   I have no control over how she see's or reacts to the world or her reality. 

I love her dearly, care about her and do hope for a happy future with her. 


The only thing I have control over is my own actions and how I react to the world.   

When I say "deal" with her, it's not about changing her. I'm not her therapist , I can't "fix",
I can't change her actions, how she perceives things. 

  It's about how do I get better not being drawn into these conflicts.   All I'm doing is enabling her by doing so and being reactive. 

I read about "sponging" in the book and that's exactly what it feels like I'm doing when I defend and justify.

It feels like I'm allowing her to displace her negative emotions onto me.

Sometimes I need to get better at not doing.  My combination style has always been to communicate and work towards resolution. 

Perhaps the pace in which I do it is too fast for her. 

Especially when she's struggling emotionally and is unable to process those emotions in an effective way or adult like way.

I think I need to be mindful of her condition, see things clearly,  validate what she's feeling without getting drawn into conflict, defending or trying to find a solution. 

Which I think is easier said than done.

In Regards or the relationship she does being a LOT to the table and I love her.   

 Where it's becoming stuck for me is the instability of it because of these blow ups. 

I'm not really to walk away yet and am hopeful.      I think the only way forward though is to focus on myself and get better at being non reactive when conflict arises.


Just work on myself, so I know I'm bringing my best self to the table,  if it's still stuck , I guess that's where I will have to decide if I should walk away. 

[Bassmaster2020]

Funny thing happened the other day....

We're pretty much back to normal after her last blow up. 

I was talking about how I've been neglecting physical my needs lately. 

 I've been building a business, have many different things on my plate, had a few financial problems thrown my way, been over worked and a bit stressed.


I was saying how I let those things get the better of my and have neglected the physical and mental wellbeing stuff I like to do. 


I haven't been properly focused on strength training (something I've done for 22 years)  for the last few months,  I haven't been meditating at all and have completely forgotten about yoga.

Heck I haven't even been giving myself 10 min a day to sit down and quietly eat breakfast. 

I've been too busy in my attacking life and building, that I've neglected the things that balance my drive and ambition. 

Too much ying and not enough yank (or the other way around). 

I said being sick has made me realise I've been neglecting the healing part of my life.   

I told her it's all my fault really, as I've become un disciplined.   It's not that anyone it anything has physically stopped me , from stretching, mediation and maintaining my focus on strength training, maintaining a healthy diet.


Realistically I could have found time to keep doing those things despite how busy I've been , whatever stresses life was throwing at me. 

The only reason I've not done them is because I've lacked discipline, I've allowed myself to lack in the self care department because I've allowed myself to become little lazy the last month or two.


Her response to me basically simply telling her, I think I need to pull my own finger out my ass and get back on my usual routine was a bit weird.

I sensed she saw it as a personal attack. She felt very uneasy with my thinking and saying I needed to take responsibility and get back on track and there were no excuses for me slipping of the wagon,  not really. 

Then she started to justify to me, start making excuses , and even portraying how I was a victim.   

I suppose her seeing me taking accountability for area's I've been slacking in, was hard for her to see because it must have felt like holding up a mirror in her eyes.

By holding myself accountable and not blaming the world, it messed with her coping strategy.

Conversation didn't last long.   I quickly switched the subject. 

Just left it at.  I'm going to start devoting 30 or so minutes to mediation and yoga everyday. 

Focus properly on strength training and not just switch off and go through the motions as I've been doing lately. 

Plus I'm going to spend more time switching off and take a couple short breaks throughout the day.

  Health and wellbeing needs to be back at the top of my pyramid again.

[Rev]

I suppose her seeing me taking accountability for area's I've been slacking in, was hard for her to see because it must have felt like holding up a mirror in her eyes.
By holding myself accountable and not blaming the world, it messed with her coping strategy.

Conversation didn't last long.   I quickly switched the subject.

Just left it at.  I'm going to start devoting 30 or so minutes to mediation and yoga everyday.

Focus properly on strength training and not just switch off and go through the motions as I've been doing lately.

Plus I'm going to spend more time switching off and take a couple short breaks throughout the day.

  Health and wellbeing needs to be back at the top of my pyramid again.

This here ---- this is it for you and what will help you make whatever decisions you need to.

One thing that I wish I would have had was someone to reflect back to me - not reflect back to me what she was doing and who she was - I had plenty of that and all it did was keep me in an abusive situation. I never, until she crossed a major line, ever asked myself who I was becoming in the relationship.

My mental health took a major hit in the process. 

I wish I would have had the conversation that reflected back to me that the REV that people knew and loved was fading. I got plenty of that after the relationship ended.

So Bassmaster, my friend, stay in this sweet spot you've just so accurately described - including, and perhaps especially, the part in italics.

Hang in there.

Reach out any time.

Rev

[subwaytune]

I'm new to this myself, but I believe you should be careful with how you are thinking.

The truth of the matter is, if she does have BPD, you are both victims. Her past makes her hyper vigilante and sometimes paranoid and their coping mechanism is to make pieces fit their narrative. It's a thing you cannot win and it's very important to understand it's not their fault, but you also should not let yourself be abused.

Setting clear and healthy adaptative boundaries is what I am working on right now with my therapist (I highly suggest seeking one if you have not tried). This is why after a bout of BPD episode, they start being emotionally regulated again and realize the damage they have done and will be "extra" and will start shaming themselves.

It takes a lot of effort, but they deserve to be loved too. It is extremely confusing too. Things escalate out of nowhere, you are feeling lost in the argument, and then blamed for not understanding. Even if you know it's not their fault, it's still hurtful.

I suggest noting the things that makes you trigger and unbalanced, or even scared and voice them when both are calm and regulated. You would be surprised by the insight they can give you on how to deal with them.

The absolute last thing you want to do is be avoidant or dismissive. Keep with the "I" statements instead of "you"s (Example: "I feel that way when X happens" instead of "You are the reason i get upset")

Anyways I hope you can find your inner peace and found this helpful from someone living it right now and basically spending all my free time researching.

P.S. This is only assuming it IS in fact BPD, if it is NPD, things are extremely different.