Went in again and got burned

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Thank you for your reply Iquanablood - this time I've taken proper measures to cut any contact. I've blocked him in all the ways. I will bump into him in the community, but I have been here before with him and I just won't talk to him. I feel confident I can do that.

I've also gotten really honest with myself and I've shared that honesty with my friends. They all know now some of the darker parts of this dynamic we had... financial and sexual control, the lies, the other women, the mind games - I have let them be there for me while I'm feeling bad. Some have admitted they wanted to run an intervention to get me away from him... but instead they had to wait. In the past I would always defend him to them, but I wouldn't be able to do that again, so to go back to him would mean I'd lose all my friends with the shame. I made sure of it this time.

The problem I've had all along is my stubborn refusal to let go of my belief of him as a good person. Someone I connected with deeply and shared real love with. That he didn't mean to do all the things he did. That he is steps away from healing these difficult parts of himself, as he kept saying he was... there have been moments more recently where I looked at all the lies and betrayal and manipulation and felt like none of the good was real, and it was all just a 'false self' he created.

But I realise that I am splitting him in this process... that he's either all good or all bad... just like he does to me. Whereas the truth is that all these things exist in him concurrently. He's dark and light. He uses good and bad behaviour to protect the wounded child underneath... but I still got to experience the real him, and I did truly love the real him. But I can never be with him again. I am not sure that he did ever really love me... not in the true sense of the word. I think he just loved what I gave him and how I made him feel... but that was only true of the times I was giving. It all seemed to disappear the moment he had no use for those things I gave.

[seekingtheway]

Thank you for your reply Iquanablood - this time I've taken proper measures to cut any contact. I've blocked him in all the ways. I will bump into him in the community, but I have been here before with him and I just won't talk to him. I feel confident I can do that.

I've also gotten really honest with myself and I've shared that honesty with my friends. They all know now some of the darker parts of this dynamic we had... financial and sexual control, the lies, the other women, the mind games - I have let them be there for me while I'm feeling bad. Some have admitted they wanted to run an intervention to get me away from him... but instead they had to wait. In the past I would always defend him to them, but I wouldn't be able to do that again, so to go back to him would mean I'd lose all my friends with the shame. I made sure of it this time.

The problem I've had all along is my stubborn refusal to let go of my belief of him as a good person. Someone I connected with deeply and shared real love with. That he didn't mean to do all the things he did. That he is steps away from healing these difficult parts of himself, as he kept saying he was... there have been moments more recently where I looked at all the lies and betrayal and manipulation and felt like none of the good was real, and it was all just a 'false self' he created.

But I realise that I am splitting him in this process... that he's either all good or all bad... just like he does to me. Whereas the truth is that all these things exist in him concurrently. He's dark and light. He uses good and bad behaviour to protect the wounded child underneath... but I still got to experience the real him, and I did truly love the real him. But I can never be with him again. I am not sure that he did ever really love me... not in the true sense of the word. I think he just loved what I gave him and how I made him feel... but that was only true of the times I was giving. It all seemed to disappear the moment he had no use for those things I gave.

[iquanablood]

You’re not splitting him.  Maybe he is just a lousy person.  Sometimes I think these people get to hide behind their mental illness.  It sounds like he is aware of the fact that he is hurting you, he’s doing it on purpose, mental illness or not.  That makes him a lousy person.

Keep burning the bridges, then he can’t burn you anymore.  You said you lived in a beach town like I do, right?  So burn a few more bridges and hey, you got Smoke On the Water!  Hahaha.  Sorry, can’t help it…

[seekingtheway]

Haha, yep, you're right... it's funny because he spoke to me in lyrics and music too. Many beautiful sentiments he sent to me this way.. but some of his more recent dedications to me are 'Your ex-lover is dead' by Stars, 'Dumb Things' by Paul Kelly. and 'Reasons are all I have left' by Art of Fighting.

Yes, all these are meant to hurt me. And then he'll deny it and say he didn't understand them to be hurtful seeing as lyrics are subjective and not 'everything' is about me after all.

He would also play songs in the background depending his mood with me. Some really nasty, and some I knew that were special to him and other women. It was true head PLEASE READery. Music is a great love of mine too, and I'm pissed off that it has been used as a way to try and hurt me.

[iquanablood]

Well, actions always speak louder than words.  Sounds like his actions are speaking louder than the words in the songs.  Listen to Idiot Wind by Dylan sometime, he kind of takes the side of both of the protagonists in the song, it’s an interesting song in this circumstance.

I’m on day 45 but it’s been hard, hard, hard.  Yesterday I felt like I was in some kind of horror movie.  I felt like my little angel and my little devil were fighting it out pretty good in my head.  I thought maybe I had been isolating myself too much.  I walked to the beach at 6:00 and there she was.  My little angel won, I did not approach her and I don’t know if she saw me or not.  But I think maybe she did.

I want this to end and I want to be happy again.  I really do.  Have a nice night.

[seekingtheway]

My ex reached out a couple of days ago... I think he must have come out of his split. I hadn't blocked him sufficiently enough on all the platforms. And I responded... he ended up calling me, which is the first time we've spoken since we split 6 weeks ago.

To begin with it was tense and difficult... but by the end of the exchange, something weird happened... he gave up arguing... stopped blaming me for what happened in our relationship, he took responsibility and he apologised... this is something he did when we were together many times, but when he split at the end, he changed the storyline so none of it was his fault anymore. Suddenly he's back to knowing he's got issues and he's sorry I got caught up in that.

He talked about how anxious he feels in relationships... how he just wants to find that person he can feel comfortable with. I told him I wanted him to be happy... told him it's his journey now... it's nothing to do with me any more... go find that person... I just didn't want him to keep treating me so badly.. said I didn't deserve it. He agreed and apologised again. We left it in a good place.

I put the phone down and I felt like I could breathe for the first time in 6 weeks. Validation, respect... didn't think I was going to get it, but I did. I cried with relief.

But then 10 minutes later, he messages, he wants to meet up and have a coffee. Sigh. Starts messaging about how things could have been done differently. Sigh. I respond very vaguely. I don't agree to meet up. He messages first thing in the morning again and throughout the day... but then he has a session with his psych... he cools after that, and he's just happy we've found some peace, he says he's happy I'm feeling lighter and it feels like he's drawing contact to a close.

When I was in the conversation with him, it didn't feel like he was attempting to recycle in any way... it felt genuine. But maybe my lack of blame or resistance to the breakup triggered something for him. Nostalgia. Or him knowing I'm happy to walk away perhaps triggers his fear of abandonment. In any event, I think his session with his psych has put him back in touch with reality for the time being.

It's my wish that we can just leave it there. In a good place. With respect between us. And he goes on his journey and I go on mine. But I doubt that's the last I hear from him...

I really need to prepare myself for ways to respond if he reaches out again so I can gently shut it down in a way to keeps the respect intact (which is the way I really want it to stay if possible), but not engage. He's out there looking for other women... most likely multiple women (I'm surmising this because he said he's not ready for a relationship on the phone)... and that fact alone just makes me feel sick that he would even consider that there's a chance we could ever be together again.

[seekingtheway]

I think the thing that was confirmed in the moment he started messaging after we wrapped up the closure call... nothing is stable... ever. Things flip in the blink of an eye. And that's the only thing that can be relied on.

[tina7868]

I really need to prepare myself for ways to respond if he reaches out again so I can gently shut it down in a way to keeps the respect intact (which is the way I really want it to stay if possible), but not engage.

A way I`ve been trying to reframe my own thinking, in this regard, is seeing the other person reaching out as a possibility, and reminding myself that I am prepared for any outcome.

You`re seeing what he can offer you, realistically. It`s fair to say that is not what you want. It sounds like you have a good boundary here. Now you can focus on yourself and what is that you do want.