Is this relationship BPD, and is it worth saving?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi family!

I don’t even know where to start. So, before I do, if you don’t want to read the whole thing please leave your hints, tips and advice regardless!

Some backstory, my ex is 23 years old. A few years ago we had a brief but good fling, lots in common and good conversations but it ended after a few months. Nothing dramatic as I wasn’t super invested, just blocked him and moved on.

A year later he reached out and we started seeing each other again and talking constantly. He told me he thought of me often. He didn’t want a relationship or exclusivity for a couple months. During this time he was extremely depressed, insecure, always making comments about ‘when you leave’ etc. he was still looking for other girls on tinder but as far as I know never met up with any of them/had much luck there, I imagine due to his insecurities.

A few months later things get more serious and he asks me to be exclusive, he’s really happy about it, but the very next day says he doesn’t want that, he just did it for me, he wants to do his own this etc. we keep seeing each other but he ended things not long after (this one was completely on me).

He wasn’t open to conversation whatsoever, but I found out I was pregnant and he agreed to meet up to discuss what we were going to do. Unfortunately lost the baby, but he stayed as I was in therapy and he realized he still had feelings. A few months into this, he asks me to be his girlfriend. I was hesitant as he tends to get close and then pull away, but he reassured me that’s what he wanted and he’s been thinking about it for some time.

Three weeks into relationship, he breaks up. Nothing happened, no fight or argument. The tiniest misunderstanding. He text me telling me it was over and then refused to talk to me again. A week later, found out I was pregnant. This time much further than last time. He didn’t have me blocked so I contacted him to let him know. We fought for the first week but eventually I asked him to stay and reassure me and support me and he did, 100% better than I ever expected of him. He made it clear he didn’t want to get back together or date, but we continue to hang out.

He has been so incredible the past few weeks, being supportive, spending as much time with me as I’ve needed from him, he’s been passionate, affectionate, romantic.. he’s stopping looking for other girls, he’s told his friends and family about me. Each day we spend together is a bit better than the last. Last week, we had the most amazing day. It healed my anxiety and reassured me that he was here to stay. He started showing interest in my life, my friends, he was calm and reassuring every single time I got upset (hormonal) and so understanding. Even after we hung out. About 3 days later, he’s just cold. He won’t make plans to see me. He leaves me on read. He’s following new girls on instagram. I asked him to come and get his things and he didn’t even question what or why. We talked briefly on the phone and he told me he was done, we weren’t getting back together. He completely shut me out.

Every time he’s ended things with me, I’ve acted crazy. I’ve called and text a bunch of times and said things that are hurtful, or threatened to do things that I shouldn’t (like tell his family about the pregnancies). I’ve not ever responded to any breakup like this, and I’ve explained to him it’s his actions that make me ‘crazy’. Because he will refuse to speak to me afterwards, he will never give me a genuine reason (he just says I’ve lost attraction, yet can’t keep his hands off me) he just stonewalls me. I’ve told him this is manipulation and emotional abuse. He just says ‘we’re done, we don’t need to talk’. I ask him if anything he felt or said was real and he’ll just say he can’t remember.

I love him so much. He makes me feel so at peace. He understands me so well and I do him, too. We both have a bad relationship history of narc exes and cheating etc, and we both have lots of insecurities. But we trusted each other, never questioned his loyalty and never felt those insecurities with each other. He told me a couple of times that the last few months he’s been really happy. His actions say he feels the same way I do. He never goes back to his exes, once they’re done they’re done. We always laugh about how he’s never really ‘done’ with me because we keep ending up together.

There’s a pattern here. He pulls away, and when he comes back we get even closer. The relationship is even better than the last time. And each time, things are ‘too good’ he leaves. There’s no explanation. He stonewalls and disappears. Each time, he meets someone new (I’m not sure if during or after) but within the week, he’s slept with them, or at least trying to.

I’m in therapy and I really want this relationship to work. Right now he’s not speaking to me (I called him and messaged him a whole lot and probably spooked him). He’s already met somebody else and I’m sure he’s idealizing her. I realize now I am all black and she is all white, so there’s no point in trying.

He’s got some of my things and once I have them back, I want to go no contact. I’ve never done this to him before. I’m hoping if I go and work on myself (not for him, but so that I’m in a better position for myself), and come back in 6 weeks - 2 months, maybe he’ll have had the time to fail at his new relationship and realize that his depression and his insecurities were ‘cured’ because I was giving him the love and validation that he needed. He struggles to find this elsewhere.

If he comes back, I think I can convince him to go to therapy. He struggles with alcohol addiction and I think that if this ‘hits’ him later.. he might go backwards.

Help.. just help. I feel so defeated. 

.

[Grvdin]

Hi family!

I don’t even know where to start. So, before I do, if you don’t want to read the whole thing please leave your hints, tips and advice regardless!

Some backstory, my ex is 23 years old. A few years ago we had a brief but good fling, lots in common and good conversations but it ended after a few months. Nothing dramatic as I wasn’t super invested, just blocked him and moved on.

A year later he reached out and we started seeing each other again and talking constantly. He told me he thought of me often. He didn’t want a relationship or exclusivity for a couple months. During this time he was extremely depressed, insecure, always making comments about ‘when you leave’ etc. he was still looking for other girls on tinder but as far as I know never met up with any of them/had much luck there, I imagine due to his insecurities.

A few months later things get more serious and he asks me to be exclusive, he’s really happy about it, but the very next day says he doesn’t want that, he just did it for me, he wants to do his own this etc. we keep seeing each other but he ended things not long after (this one was completely on me).

He wasn’t open to conversation whatsoever, but I found out I was pregnant and he agreed to meet up to discuss what we were going to do. Unfortunately lost the baby, but he stayed as I was in therapy and he realized he still had feelings. A few months into this, he asks me to be his girlfriend. I was hesitant as he tends to get close and then pull away, but he reassured me that’s what he wanted and he’s been thinking about it for some time.

Three weeks into relationship, he breaks up. Nothing happened, no fight or argument. The tiniest misunderstanding. He text me telling me it was over and then refused to talk to me again. A week later, found out I was pregnant. This time much further than last time. He didn’t have me blocked so I contacted him to let him know. We fought for the first week but eventually I asked him to stay and reassure me and support me and he did, 100% better than I ever expected of him. He made it clear he didn’t want to get back together or date, but we continue to hang out.

He has been so incredible the past few weeks, being supportive, spending as much time with me as I’ve needed from him, he’s been passionate, affectionate, romantic.. he’s stopping looking for other girls, he’s told his friends and family about me. Each day we spend together is a bit better than the last. Last week, we had the most amazing day. It healed my anxiety and reassured me that he was here to stay. He started showing interest in my life, my friends, he was calm and reassuring every single time I got upset (hormonal) and so understanding. Even after we hung out. About 3 days later, he’s just cold. He won’t make plans to see me. He leaves me on read. He’s following new girls on instagram. I asked him to come and get his things and he didn’t even question what or why. We talked briefly on the phone and he told me he was done, we weren’t getting back together. He completely shut me out.

Every time he’s ended things with me, I’ve acted crazy. I’ve called and text a bunch of times and said things that are hurtful, or threatened to do things that I shouldn’t (like tell his family about the pregnancies). I’ve not ever responded to any breakup like this, and I’ve explained to him it’s his actions that make me ‘crazy’. Because he will refuse to speak to me afterwards, he will never give me a genuine reason (he just says I’ve lost attraction, yet can’t keep his hands off me) he just stonewalls me. I’ve told him this is manipulation and emotional abuse. He just says ‘we’re done, we don’t need to talk’. I ask him if anything he felt or said was real and he’ll just say he can’t remember.

I love him so much. He makes me feel so at peace. He understands me so well and I do him, too. We both have a bad relationship history of narc exes and cheating etc, and we both have lots of insecurities. But we trusted each other, never questioned his loyalty and never felt those insecurities with each other. He told me a couple of times that the last few months he’s been really happy. His actions say he feels the same way I do. He never goes back to his exes, once they’re done they’re done. We always laugh about how he’s never really ‘done’ with me because we keep ending up together.

There’s a pattern here. He pulls away, and when he comes back we get even closer. The relationship is even better than the last time. And each time, things are ‘too good’ he leaves. There’s no explanation. He stonewalls and disappears. Each time, he meets someone new (I’m not sure if during or after) but within the week, he’s slept with them, or at least trying to.

I’m in therapy and I really want this relationship to work. Right now he’s not speaking to me (I called him and messaged him a whole lot and probably spooked him). He’s already met somebody else and I’m sure he’s idealizing her. I realize now I am all black and she is all white, so there’s no point in trying.

He’s got some of my things and once I have them back, I want to go no contact. I’ve never done this to him before. I’m hoping if I go and work on myself (not for him, but so that I’m in a better position for myself), and come back in 6 weeks - 2 months, maybe he’ll have had the time to fail at his new relationship and realize that his depression and his insecurities were ‘cured’ because I was giving him the love and validation that he needed. He struggles to find this elsewhere.

If he comes back, I think I can convince him to go to therapy. He struggles with alcohol addiction and I think that if this ‘hits’ him later.. he might go backwards.

Help.. just help. I feel so defeated. 

.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Hello Grvdin,

   

   We are here to listen to you and support you emotionally.

   It sounds like you have been through a lot, and this is all very upsetting.  Some of your statements seem to contradict the intent of this board which is focused on "Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup" I strongly encourage you to talk more in depth on topics that interest you from this perspective, so you can gain a better understanding.

   Am I understanding you correctly that you are pregnant, again with his child, yet he is seeing other women?

   You mentioned that you are in therapy, this is probably the best place to talk about this situation to gain better understanding on what you need to do for yourself, your unborn child, and how your relationship with 'him' might ultimately look like.

   In any scenario, please be kind to yourself, and do self-care, as I find that to be the most helpful to my own well being, whatever that might look like for you.

Take care.

SD

[Skip]

Hi  

You can certainly make your romantic life better and more fulfilling. We want to help (and hopefully, you will help others, too).

Summary: Am I correct to summarize that you and your boyfriend have been in a vacillating relationship for 1-2 years? The two of you come together for weeks/months at a time, and it is good, but he then shuts down and is off for periods of time, sometimes without reason. You eventually get back together. The connection between you is deeper each time you reunite.

When he goes, it's to chase other women. During the breakups, you try to lure him back with various behaviors (attractive and sometimes not-so-attractive behaviors). At one point, you were pregnant, and he was there for you, but the baby was lost. He has a past of some rocky relationships, as do you.

It's an imbalanced relationship that is working for him so he has no reason to change. It's partially working for you (too good to leave, too bad to stay) - but you realize that you are enabling the very behavior that is upsetting you.

Him: It sounds like he cares for you but is not ready to settle down. The fact that he sometimes leaves when things are OK between you suggests that he wants to play and pursue others. He is in an uncommitted relationship with you. He can dabble with others, and when he's lost interest in them, he knows you will be there, and he enjoys spending time with you.

You: You want a committed relationship or movement in that direction. You cherish your times together, but the off periods are hurtful and upsetting. You are willing to stick it out and have hope, but are here because you want to find tools to improve the situation (e.g., going no-contact).

This is a classic imbalanced relationship and there are no fixes. Water will eventually seek is own level. The biggest issue is that this is a reoccurring dynamic that has repeated often.

So what can you do/not do?

1. Chasing him when he leaves is really counter-productive. It just says, you'll be there when and if he gives up on whoever he is seeing.   2. Ultimatum probably doesn't make sense - you have not been in a committed relationship.   3. Going "no contact" is really about exiting a relationship. If you are at that place, it makes sense, but it's not a tool to fix a relationship.   4. Letting go of the relationship and growing is a) a very attractive thing to do, and b) a healthy thing to do for yourself.

5. Shift to dating mode. Date others and date him too.  

He may simply not be at a point in his life where he wants a full time relationship. Timing is everything and it often makes sense to get out of the situation. Maybe he will call in a year with a different perspective (he did this once before).

Hanging on to a maybe/maybe not relationship makes you less attractive to him (and others) and it ingrains unhealthy relationship skills in you. Clinging or being needy devalues yourself in his eyes.

What do you think?

Skip