Ex has left for the 22nd time now, still sharing locations

[IMissHer21]

Why is she still sharing location?

My ex who I strongly believe has BPD undiagnosed has chosen to end the relationship yet again for the 22nd time now in 7 months, Usually every 2 weeks roughly or whenever there is stress/arguments between us.  She says she’s done and this time seems more real than ever before however she still has me on all social media still shares locations with me and still posts multiple times a day quotes evidently about our situation/aimed or directed at me. I asked why she still shares the location she says to relax my mind. (This is actually the reason I’ve kept mine on for her) Please some advice. Thank you.

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[SaltyDawg]

Why is she still sharing location?

My ex who I strongly believe has BPD undiagnosed has chosen to end the relationship yet again for the 22nd time now in 7 months, Usually every 2 weeks roughly or whenever there is stress/arguments between us.  She says she’s done and this time seems more real than ever before however she still has me on all social media still shares locations with me and still posts multiple times a day quotes evidently about our situation/aimed or directed at me. I asked why she still shares the location she says to relax my mind. (This is actually the reason I’ve kept mine on for her) Please some advice. Thank you.

AP2000,



Borderlines often do projection / transference of their own emotions on the one who they care for the most, apparently that is you (even if you are broken up, you are still her Favorite Person) as she is making multiple posts per day directed towards you.  So, when she says to relax your mind towards her, she actually means she wants to relax her own mind.  Since you are on the 'bettering' board, I assume you want to get back together with her again, and if that is the case, keep your location on for her, otherwise it will likely send her into a tailspin if you turn it off.

Borderlines want to so much be in control (as they are in reality so much out of control), and a way that they can exert control is through coercion in the most extreme ways, such as breaking up each time something doesn't go their way.  However, by complying with their demands/wants when they do this, this only reinforces their bad behavior, much like giving into a toddler when they throw a tantrum and want a lollipop, and you give them the lollipop in response to their tantrum, they will throw another , and sometimes bigger, tantrum when they want another lollipop.

So, since you have been recycled 22 times in 7 months, a 23rd time is likely, it is a matter of time that she will do it again.

In order to prevent going through these repeated cycles of terror towards you (the breakups), you need to come up with a firm boundary, that works for you, that you can consistently enforce with her 100% of the time.  She wants you to fight for the relationship. 

As long as you know she is not seeing anyone else (when you are broken up or not), you might want to consider and call her bluff, and tell her that she can leave any time she wants.  Be mindful, that this can backfire, and she can leave for good, especially if she has a replacement for you lined up.   Since she has already left, so the worst that will happen is she will block you on everything, and go "No Contact"; however, she will likely perceive that she is really going to lose you, and you know she is into you by all of these posts, and recycles, she will be forced to change her behavior to pull you back in.  If this is too frightening to do, wait until she reconnects.

When you are back in her good graces, and her emotions are regulated, have a conversation about her dumping you every two weeks is not acceptable.  Tell her how you feel about it, and will no longer accept it, and express the consequence of turning off you location sharing with her if she does it again - that could be a good boundary to start with - what do you think?  Do you have any other  ideas that you can do, to make her uncomfortable when she does this again?

When she is not regulated in her emotions, keep it brief, using "I" statements, avoiding the word "you" (as that will imply blame on her whether or not it is warranted), and only validate how she is feelings using exaggerated terms.  For example, if she says she is upset with you, tell her "I am sorry you feel that I have really made you mad at me, that must be very frightening and terrifying" - as she is likely feeling that way, this way she feels heard by you.  I find my pwBPD will reset after a sleep cycle or two, and will re regulate her emotions.

I had about 50 of these cycles over the span of a dozen years, it wasn't until I called her bluff on the last two - she has since stopped those behaviors.  Be aware, she could escalate the behavior, and to fake suicide attempts (gestures of suicide) in order to control you - if this happens, call 911 (this is your boundary that you can enforce this behavior will not be tolerated) and let her deal with the authorities, she will be pissed at you, but she won't do it again.  A calculated threat of suicide can escalate to an actual emergency in seconds if you are not behaving the way she expects you to in her distorted mind.  My BPD wife has done both the suicide gestures/attempts and the threats of divorce / separation.

I  am sure that this is very stressful to you.  While you are waiting, and when you get back together again, please be sure to do self-care, whatever that might look like for you, as you need to keep your emotional energy up to deal with this.

Take care.

SD

[IMissHer21]

Hello, thank you for your response. I thought I’d give a more in depth look at how our relationship was…

My ex and I got together in June of 2023 she is currently 19 and I am currently 23. We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

The first couple of times she ever broke up she would phone up within a few days sounding very regretful almost panicking even turned up at our shared place of work at 5 am in a taxi “to talk” however there is one thing I would like to point out and that is since taking her back those times since then. The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. She’s sent a couple breadcrumbs but I am good at no contact and can stick to it but yes she only ever wants to sort stuff with me when she’s drunk. I hate it, makes me feel like PLEASE READ. But other than that she has a routine if you will with this cycle it’s exactly the same every time. We say our goodbyes take cares etc… then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want. She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared  on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together.

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading.

[IMissHer21]

I also forgot to mention during these cycles she has never once added or followed never texted one other male I believe she is incredibly loyal well I know she is as I can see it’s not healthy but we have each others accounts…

[SaltyDawg]

[...] We spent the entirety of 2023 stuck in some toxic cycle where any argument or disagreement or if a lot of stress was between us she would choose to end things and this would last roughly 2 weeks before she would reach out and say sorry followed by false promises to never do it again, and to change etc. granted I am also to blame as I become incredibly toxic and one issue I’ve noticed with me is I’ve become incredibly codependent with my ex. Fast forward to December 2023 and she broke up again this was the 21st time since June (I know. ridiculous) it was new years morning 2am and drunk messages and no caller Ids come through from her saying new year new us and as usual more empty promises. We sat and spoke for days about everything at the start of the new year and she seemed more serious than ever before that the cycle would stop. I had doubts but I said to her you’ve got one chance this year if you do it again it’s fully done I’m not going into a new year entertaining this cycle. It’s my fault for keep taking her back but I just kept hoping she’d change clearly I’ve taught her that it’s okay to come and go as you please. Anyway. 18 days into January, we had spent a few days prior to this arguing a lot everyday and instead of bailing she stuck and spoke everything out with me as normal adults do but the stress was still there. She left again claiming the usual “it’s over I’m not coming back again” “you’re psychotic” “you’re toxic” etc the usual things she says. Tonight she collected her things from our home and moved out. I know she will reach out again and yes I want to work things through with her as I know she’s my one and only soulmate however how can I break this cycle once and for all?

AP2000,

There is a lot to unpack here...  You have indicated that you have become codependent, I am thinking more of a caretaker (if these codependent characteristics and patterns are only present when you are with her).  It is good to be self-aware of this.  If you are interested I can point you to CODA.org as they have plenty of resources on being codependent.  I am too am a codependent, as are 90+% of the population according to Google.  I would suggest reading the following book on caretaking a BPD "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad.  A summary (quick reference guide) can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Collecting her things and moving out - is an escalation, she is upping the ante, perhaps in response to your New Year's resolution [ultimatum].  How to break the cycle?  Unless they are the one to break it, it won't likely be broken.  The only way you can break the cycle is to follow through on your New Years ultimatum, which is the ultimate boundary in a relationship.  If you are not willing or capable of following through on it, don't make this threat, again.  She may actually believe you, and thinks it is over as she has moved her stuff out of your home.  If you want her back, you have to do damage control (an apology) which will weaken your position with her.

The only times she’s ever reached out to try to fix things or reconcile has been when she is drunk. [...]then silence for maximum 2 weeks however she keeps location shared and reposts/shares quotes and videos on social media every single day 10-20 times a day about relationships about not getting treated right about the man changing. These posts switch within the first week are bitter almost like digs at me however going into the second week of no contact they are more about missing someone not getting over someone about love and things related to us that only we understand from within the relationship. Then she will go clubbing with friends and boom no caller ids drunk texts followed by a lot of “regret” and promises to not do this or that again to never leave again and to communicate rather than ghosting/avoiding… it’s the exact same pattern everytime I can almost predict each day at this point.

You recognize the pattern, it is like reliving a nightmare every two weeks, like clockwork.  It's kind of like the movie 'groundhog day' or one of the many spin-offs of it.  What can you do, to change this pattern, where she will contact you when she is drunk, in order to reconnect?  Have you asked her about the promises of not doing it again (when she is regulated) and what she intends on doing different, does she genuinely understand the damage she is doing or is just saying this to stay together?  I don't know if you realize this, but she is abusing you with the break-ups, name calling, broken promises, etc.  Are you willing to live a life full of this kind of behavior with no end in sight?

HOWEVER this time I got dismissed from my job on the 26th January 7 days after the breakup and she works at the same job. We had to see each other and I thought this was one of the reasons the cycle kept happening. Since leaving the job her posts and reposts have barely been positive just ones stating “I did care, not anymore” but other posts are saying stuff” like staying loyal to my ex”it does seem different this time but maybe that’s because I don’t have the routine of working at the same company anymore however she did say due to me not working there it will be easier to get over each other of course this isn’t what I want.

That is a big life change.  Only if you are comfortable sharing, I am curious if you were let go from your job because of your interaction(s) with your ex?  Did you work closely together, where you guys at the same level, or was it more supervisor/subordinate, or were you guys not working in the same vicinity but in different areas of the same company?  I'm asking, as I would like to better understand the dynamic here.

She doesn’t seem bothered this time at all…… she says all these things yet still shares her locations and breadcrumbed me twice yesterday liking videos I shared  on social media relating to a show we both enjoy watching together.

Am I understanding you correctly, she has reduced the bread-crumbing from 10-20 times per day to now only twice per day?

What is happening is another cycle on the horizon?

Only you know your situation the best - do you see signs of another recycle coming?  Or, has the following changed (too much):  1.  Loss of your job resulting in you being around her less; 2.  Her moving out; 3. Her reduction of breadcrumbing?  Are 2 & 3 the result of your New Years ultimatum?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated and thanks for reading.

From what you have described, your ex is in the position of power - she gets to choose if she reconnects with you, or not.  You tried the ultimate ultimatum, and the results do not look too promising for you - I feel that she is calling your bluff on the relationship ultimatum right now.  If she elects to reconnect with you, it is clear from what you described, that she thinks you are the problem, not her with the posts about 'the man changing'- so it is very unlikely she is not going to change, nor does she see a need for her to change in spite of indicating otherwise (If she believed it, you would have seen change by the first few cycles, not 23 cycles later).

My advice, I think you might want to find an individual therapist for yourself, to figure some of this stuff out, and move forward from there.  Please understand her past behaviors are very likely indicative of her future ones, especially if she is not willing to change.  You have obviously said you do not want this cycle to continue, and threatened her as much.  If you get back, are you willing to tolerate these cycles again?  Please think long and hard, do a lot of soul searching on this. 

I will wrap up this post by posing a hypothetical question to you - what would you advise your best guy friend if he were in a situation like you are/were?

Take care with self-care.

SD

[IMissHer21]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. We had some great times really good times we were happy. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish.

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.

[IMissHer21]

Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. One day we had had an argument and she split resulting in a mini breakup again. Next day I see her in the club grinding on some random guy. I called her a nasty name and walked out crying. She then proceeded to blow my phone up on no caller id… I didn’t pick up she showed up at the flat, I went mental screaming calling her every name and told her to go to her mums. She kept saying sorry but I didn’t want to hear it. Next day I had 472 phone calls from her come through and an 18 page letter admitting to how sorry she was and everything in the letter was incredibly in depth and showed she seemed to have genuine remorse for her actions. She overly apologised and just kept repeating how disgusted she was at herself so I gave her another chance. A week later she tried to breakup again I remind her of the words in the 22 page letter and she responds saying “that’s how I felt at that time this is now) like wtf. But she did remind me that she felt disgusted still at herself for what she done. Anyway we sorted that out next day and we were back to talking again. We had some great times really good times we were happy together the last 2 months going for walks along the beach days our meals out we were actually getting somewhere so it seemed. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish. I should also mention that the other people that she was friends with previously mugged her off completely within the last 4 months and she did end up cancelling going on the holiday because we were back speaking again, she cut the friends off because they were mugging her off behind her back and didn’t end up paying her back the money for the holiday she had paid for over the months and I will honestly say that without these outside influences she has been so much more stable and just genuinely better to be with as a partner.

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.

[IMissHer21]

AP2000,

There is a lot to unpack here...  You have indicated that you have become codependent, I am thinking more of a caretaker (if these codependent characteristics and patterns are only present when you are with her).  It is good to be self-aware of this.  If you are interested I can point you to CODA.org as they have plenty of resources on being codependent.  I am too am a codependent, as are 90+% of the population according to Google.  I would suggest reading the following book on caretaking a BPD "Stop Caretaking the Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" by Margalis Fjelstad.  A summary (quick reference guide) can be found at https://margalistherapy.com/articles/borderline-and-narcissism-issues/handbook-for-dealing-with-a-bp-np/

Collecting her things and moving out - is an escalation, she is upping the ante, perhaps in response to your New Year's resolution [ultimatum].  How to break the cycle?  Unless they are the one to break it, it won't likely be broken.  The only way you can break the cycle is to follow through on your New Years ultimatum, which is the ultimate boundary in a relationship.  If you are not willing or capable of following through on it, don't make this threat, again.  She may actually believe you, and thinks it is over as she has moved her stuff out of your home.  If you want her back, you have to do damage control (an apology) which will weaken your position with her.


You recognize the pattern, it is like reliving a nightmare every two weeks, like clockwork.  It's kind of like the movie 'groundhog day' or one of the many spin-offs of it.  What can you do, to change this pattern, where she will contact you when she is drunk, in order to reconnect?  Have you asked her about the promises of not doing it again (when she is regulated) and what she intends on doing different, does she genuinely understand the damage she is doing or is just saying this to stay together?  I don't know if you realize this, but she is abusing you with the break-ups, name calling, broken promises, etc.  Are you willing to live a life full of this kind of behavior with no end in sight?

 

That is a big life change.  Only if you are comfortable sharing, I am curious if you were let go from your job because of your interaction(s) with your ex?  Did you work closely together, where you guys at the same level, or was it more supervisor/subordinate, or were you guys not working in the same vicinity but in different areas of the same company?  I'm asking, as I would like to better understand the dynamic here.

 

Am I understanding you correctly, she has reduced the bread-crumbing from 10-20 times per day to now only twice per day?


Only you know your situation the best - do you see signs of another recycle coming?  Or, has the following changed (too much):  1.  Loss of your job resulting in you being around her less; 2.  Her moving out; 3. Her reduction of breadcrumbing?  Are 2 & 3 the result of your New Years ultimatum?


From what you have described, your ex is in the position of power - she gets to choose if she reconnects with you, or not.  You tried the ultimate ultimatum, and the results do not look too promising for you - I feel that she is calling your bluff on the relationship ultimatum right now.  If she elects to reconnect with you, it is clear from what you described, that she thinks you are the problem, not her with the posts about 'the man changing'- so it is very unlikely she is not going to change, nor does she see a need for her to change in spite of indicating otherwise (If she believed it, you would have seen change by the first few cycles, not 23 cycles later).

My advice, I think you might want to find an individual therapist for yourself, to figure some of this stuff out, and move forward from there.  Please understand her past behaviors are very likely indicative of her future ones, especially if she is not willing to change.  You have obviously said you do not want this cycle to continue, and threatened her as much.  If you get back, are you willing to tolerate these cycles again?  Please think long and hard, do a lot of soul searching on this. 

I will wrap up this post by posing a hypothetical question to you - what would you advise your best guy friend if he were in a situation like you are/were?

Take care with self-care.

SD


Hello, it’s been a long time since I decided to post here. My username has been updated to IMissHer21. However I can provide an accurate update on the situation since my last post.

After 8 months of being together with 22 breakups initiated by her and no change in behaviour in regards to listening and respecting my boundaries/boundaries we set together as a couple, the coming and going constantly, the false promises and future faking. I decided I had had enough. So I ended things myself. I went no contact and we didn’t speak or have any communication for 4/5 months.

One day I was out in town (we both live in the same town) drinking with my friends. Suddenly I look up and lock eyes with her as she crosses the road. I turn around as to avoid her, but she grabs my arm and says “can we talk”I said not really but ended up hearing what she had to say anyway. She said stuff along the lines of “I’ve never been able to get over you, I miss you, I never stopped loving you etc” she was not drunk but had been drinking all day as she had been at a festival all day. Her phone which was on her lap lit up as a notification came through and I saw that her wallpaper was a photograph of her an another one of her exes which she had seen at said festival earlier in the day and also kissed them. (This from the girl that constantly said how she hated her exes and basically didn’t know what she was thinking ever being with them) I said “really you’ve never been able to get over me yet your wallpaper suggests otherwise. She then changed her wallpaper to a photo of her and I from the 8 month relationship that we had previously been in. I said “you need to delete all of the photos and forget about me” I showed her my phone and how I had deleted all photos/memories during the 5 months apart. As I was showing her that I had deleted everything she saw a photo of a girl I was previously talking to in my camera roll, stood up and walked away. I thought that was it.

Fast forward a couple of days later and she texts basically saying her feelings are so strong since talking to and seeing me again and she wants to sort things.

The last couple of months we have been together again but not officially in a relationship. I’ve been asking her repeatedly to get on the same page as me and that I won’t be becoming official with her until I absolutely know that this time there isn’t going to be any games… she seemed serious constantly watching videos on bpd admitting she may have it and resonating with a lot of things discussed on forums and in videos on bpd. One day we had had an argument and she split resulting in a mini breakup again. Next day I see her in the club grinding on some random guy. I called her a nasty name and walked out crying. She then proceeded to blow my phone up on no caller id… I didn’t pick up she showed up at the flat, I went mental screaming calling her every name and told her to go to her mums. She kept saying sorry but I didn’t want to hear it. Next day I had 472 phone calls from her come through and an 18 page letter admitting to how sorry she was and everything in the letter was incredibly in depth and showed she seemed to have genuine remorse for her actions. She overly apologised and just kept repeating how disgusted she was at herself she asked me for another chance I said I’m heartbroken and need to think about it it’s not something I ever thought you would do, she kept saying “that’s not her she didn’t know what she was thinking” 

next day I went to work thought about it came back to the flat, I walked in on her watching YouTube videos on bpd relationships, I sat down told her I’d been thinking and I can’t do it to myself to give her another chance. She hysterically started crying begging me holding onto my arms and crying hard just kept repeating please give me another chance, I can’t lose you, I’m so sorry, I’ll do whatever it takes” this lasted for no word of a lie 2 hours. So I gave her another chance making it clear that this was it if she messed up again or didn’t respect my boundaries or me as a person or if we can’t work together then I was done. She said she understood and a week later she tried to breakup again I remind her of the words in the 22 page letter and her episode of crying asking for another chance and she responds saying “that’s how I felt at that time this is now) like wtf. But she did remind me that she felt disgusted still at herself for what she done. Anyway we sorted that out next day and we were back to talking again. We had some great times really good times we were happy together the last 2 months going for walks along the beach days our meals out we were actually getting somewhere so it seemed. We wanted her to move in to my flat so she went home to tell her mum and her mum who is diagnosed bpd went mental calling me a narcissist control freak etc basically saying no she isnt moving in. (Pathetic. She is 20 I had to remind her she can do whatever she wants) anyway long story short she simply could not say no to her mum no matter how much we spoke about it. We were on off again for a week every couple of days talking again. Until we had a huge argument, I flipped shoved her (again) (I know really not good and I’m not happy with myself and take full responsibility) we were screaming arguing until her mum come and picked her up. I then received a message from her saying “after this I want nothing to do with you, you’ve proved to me nothing will ever change” she then blocked me on every platform.

2 days later she unblocked me on Facebook, but the block remains in place everywhere else for the last 8 days (currently). She has since posted a few undirects on her Facebook (sad quotes about relationship related things) but not tried to reach out at all. I have caught her once or twice unblocking me on TikTok for an only a few seconds (I’m guessing to check my posts/pages/reposts) but then blocked again. Within the last 8 days since she blocked me I spent the first 3/4 days trying to get through to her, every call I tried she would hang up immediately upon hearing my voice, every text I’d send from different numbers were ignore. I decided to spend £150 on 100 roses, a bottle of rosé and a teddy and had that delivered to her door, again no direct response but I did notice that she had posted a quote from the film “after” on her Facebook a few days ago (around the same time receiving the roses) which I had also referenced the film in a small note sent with the roses. Thought this was a bit coincidental but could be wrong.

It’s now been 3 days that I’ve been completely silent and it will stay this way from my side now.

What is to be expected or to happen, her family obviously have now formed a very strong opinion on me and dislike me completely obviously I can understand this but also this has only given her mum more reasons as to why she shouldn’t move in with me. I should also mention that at the start of this breakup (currently 8 days ago) she decided to recycle an old friend of hers that she hasn’t spoken to within the last 4 months so that’s just great he is also an enabler to her bpd and had caused us many issues in the previous relationship that we had together, by gossiping and being very childish. I should also mention that the other people that she was friends with previously mugged her off completely within the last 4 months and she did end up cancelling going on the holiday because we were back speaking again, she cut the friends off because they were mugging her off behind her back and didn’t end up paying her back the money for the holiday she had paid for over the months

I hope I’ve made this clear enough of an update. I do not know what to expect or what is going to happen but Thankyou for reading.