Help! I'm in NC but recent discovery of lies makes me want to break NC

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone!

I have been in NC for about 2 months now, with an instance 2 weeks ago where I broke NC and responded to a charm. It quickly got bad and I went back to NC. I have been wanting to decouple for a while now, and when I went NC this time, I felt stronger going into it as she had  clearly done me wrong, and it's easier for me when that's the case. A quick context on this latest (hopefully last) NC:

My exwBPD had always been in and out of jobs. I have always been supporting her financially here and there. Before the pandemic, I supported her establishing a small business. However, during the pandemic, the business got bad. Though my own business was also struggling, I helped her regain her footing during the pandemic, and fully supported the business (financially among other things) and even paying the  security deposits to a rent for a condo unit so she can use her own unit for an office. When the revenge business came last year, she had gotten a few clients, but not significant enough to consider a success. However, since this was her first significant success, it got to her head. This was when she started using the small business, and the new people in it, as her supply. Suddenly, that became a priority, and the new people around that industry became her supply,  and I was devalued. I didn't accept this and quickly ended it, blocked her and went NC. Her only access to me is the email. After about a month, she started stalking me and emailed me that she needs the access card to the elevator, which I ignored, but I was really provoked. The nerve to ask for that when I paid for it and all I got was an access card - which by the way, she can easily request a new one on. It somehow started to get to my head and that provocation led me to eventually respond to a positive charm and then quickly back to NC when she disrespected me.

I never had problems going NC and it had always been a relief to do so. This time though is different. I am quite affected ruminating a lot and sometimes, couldn't help checking her social media. This is where I discovered a lie, where she was partying and drinking with people she barely knew. Something we both agree and I was clear about not doing. Now, I just want to show her that I discovered this lie and couldn't stop thinking about it. It is bad. I don't know what to do. All these got to my head big time. It is a first time in NC that I am seriously suffering. She emailed me a week and a half ago asking me to call her which I ignored. Now, all I can think about is biting the charm, show her that I knew, and then walk away.

What can I do in this situation, especially when I started ruminating now? I find myself in a mess now and angry. 

[underdog]

Hello everyone!

I have been in NC for about 2 months now, with an instance 2 weeks ago where I broke NC and responded to a charm. It quickly got bad and I went back to NC. I have been wanting to decouple for a while now, and when I went NC this time, I felt stronger going into it as she had  clearly done me wrong, and it's easier for me when that's the case. A quick context on this latest (hopefully last) NC:

My exwBPD had always been in and out of jobs. I have always been supporting her financially here and there. Before the pandemic, I supported her establishing a small business. However, during the pandemic, the business got bad. Though my own business was also struggling, I helped her regain her footing during the pandemic, and fully supported the business (financially among other things) and even paying the  security deposits to a rent for a condo unit so she can use her own unit for an office. When the revenge business came last year, she had gotten a few clients, but not significant enough to consider a success. However, since this was her first significant success, it got to her head. This was when she started using the small business, and the new people in it, as her supply. Suddenly, that became a priority, and the new people around that industry became her supply,  and I was devalued. I didn't accept this and quickly ended it, blocked her and went NC. Her only access to me is the email. After about a month, she started stalking me and emailed me that she needs the access card to the elevator, which I ignored, but I was really provoked. The nerve to ask for that when I paid for it and all I got was an access card - which by the way, she can easily request a new one on. It somehow started to get to my head and that provocation led me to eventually respond to a positive charm and then quickly back to NC when she disrespected me.

I never had problems going NC and it had always been a relief to do so. This time though is different. I am quite affected ruminating a lot and sometimes, couldn't help checking her social media. This is where I discovered a lie, where she was partying and drinking with people she barely knew. Something we both agree and I was clear about not doing. Now, I just want to show her that I discovered this lie and couldn't stop thinking about it. It is bad. I don't know what to do. All these got to my head big time. It is a first time in NC that I am seriously suffering. She emailed me a week and a half ago asking me to call her which I ignored. Now, all I can think about is biting the charm, show her that I knew, and then walk away.

What can I do in this situation, especially when I started ruminating now? I find myself in a mess now and angry. 

[once removed]

What can I do in this situation, especially when I started ruminating now? I find myself in a mess now and angry. 

first, trust that the urgency you feel right now will pass, or at least settle. dont act on impulse; when you find yourself in a mess, dont make it bigger.

I have been wanting to decouple for a while now

then put all of your eggs in that basket. commit to it. it may be hard; hard, but necessary. do what it takes.

all that contacting her to let her have it does is continue the fights of the relationship. in a way, its like hanging on, but to the worst parts of the relationship.

its understandable to still be angry, or to be angry about things you hear about or find after the breakup. weve all been there. when i discovered that my ex had been lining up a new relationship before we were broken up, i wanted nothing more than to let her have it.

successfully breaking up is about coming to terms with letting go, and choosing for it to be over. that means all of it, all the fighting, all the conflict, but also the parts that we loved, and touched us the most. its about us now.

[underdog]

Thank you so much once removed! This really brings me comfort. I am ashamed to say that I went through the same situation about 6 years ago, though not as deep now as this involves her having more resources on her own, and therefore, having more freedom to do the crazy things she does.

The sad part is, I am a part of enabling her to have more financial freedom. It's so twisted in my head. I mean, what was I supposed to do, keep her struggling? If you do, you're bad. If you help made her succeed, she'd do what she just did now. I do regret helping her. Such a twisted thing in my head now.

Thank you again! I just don't know how to calm myself now.

[underdog]

Are there any things that you are effective in helping calm the overthinking and going crazy? It's really driving me crazy.

[tina7868]

Are there any things that you are effective in helping calm the overthinking and going crazy? It's really driving me crazy.

Hey underdog  ! Being familiar myself with overthinking, and the feeling of going crazy, I can offer what works for me! Of course, different approaches work with different people.

- being aware of how you feel, and the most likely reason why, is a great step that you seem to have already taken
- filling your life up with different focuses (work, hobbies, friends), even if it feels difficult at first
- even with all the buzzing going on in your head, making sure the `essentials` are taken care of (eat, sleep, movement)
- journaling, talking to a therapist, posting here!
- accepting whatever you are feeling. It`s valid, it`s okay, it will pass (but it doesn`t have to in this moment!). Be patient and kind with yourself.

Once you feel like the peak has past, it can help to revisit your thoughts, and try to reframe them.

What would you say is the thought driving most of your overthinking at this moment? How is it making you feel in your body?

[underdog]

Hello tina7868  ! Thank you for your reply!

What drives my overthinking the most is the discovery of a lie recently that I wasn't able to confront her on, as I was already on NC when I discovered it. The lie I discovered is not cheating, but then I think, it could be possible, and so this is where the overthinking starts. Also that the more time away we are, the more possibilities that she engages in impulsive and inappropriate behavior (overthinking spiral again). What conflicts me now is that she's still charming, and recently, with an email asking me where I am and asking me to call her. I ignored it, and that was more than a week ago.  So even though I know that NC should be NC, I am now struggling inside to either respond to that, or respond the next time she charms again, or just ignoring and moving (where I found just ignoring to be extremely difficult).

Sometimes it gets better, then the weight suddenly crashes on me again.

[once removed]

So even though I know that NC should be NC

try to think less about contact or no contact, but about making the mental commitment to let go of the relationship.

no contact is a tool that you can use when you need to get the person out of your daily life in order to heal. but there are countless people for whom no contact isnt an option, and they emotionally detach. dont mistake the tool for the solution; if you havent made the mental commitment to let go, and youre using no contact to affect the outcome or send a message, it will fail.

https://www.bpdfamily.com/content/no-contact-right-way-wrong-way

Sometimes it gets better, then the weight suddenly crashes on me again.

lean into this. feelings like this can be very overwhelming, but you can see that it does get better. it may get better, and it may get bad again, but the thing about not giving into impulses is that they lose their grip the more we start to trust that we dont have to act on them. each time that it gets better, it gets a little better, and a little better, and that weight that crashes gets a little smaller.

think long term. the way you handle this breakup will matter to you, years from now, long after the pain is gone.

[underdog]

try to think less about contact or no contact, but about making the mental commitment to let go of the relationship.

I initially went in committed to NC and letting go. However, as time went on and you ignore more charm attempts, or discover new things, your will and resolve gets weaker. As I am now. So I am trying to find strength in keeping on my original path. 

Thank you for and I really appreciate the reinforcements.

[underdog]

I am not sure on whether to create a new topic or just post an update here. Anyway, decided on the latter:

UPDATE: After 2 weeks since I ignored her seemingly sorry email to me. I am having a hard time resisting not answering her email. I begin to feel so guilty not answering it. I am also confused what to do, as my continued resistance to answer her email seems to be eating me up. I feel my mind is playing tricks on me, where I had this gut feel that I needed to respond to her. She also wasn't persistent as before, which adds to my desire to answer back.

Please help me process this crazy spiral of mine.