Mum is in hospital.

[Kaybee7]

Hi All,

My mother aged 78 has been admitted to the mental health ward in hospital.  She has been spiralling into paranoia and psychosis.  She's not currently formally diagnosed with bpd, however it has been mentioned as likely since she's been in hospital. I've been suffering the worst anxiety of my life. I feel ill and am having great difficulty sleeping. I've blocked my mother's mobile number, now that she has been admitted. Mum was trying to get herself discharged into my care. However I am not capable of doing so. After years of guilt trips and gaslighting, I've reached a point where I can't go on with our relationship.  Mum called my son and he said she sounded distraught. She kept saying she hasn't done anything wrong.

So now I feel like crap and like an awful person for abandoning her during her time of need.  She doesn't believe she is mentally ill at all. Even with the paranoia she is experiencing. She fully believes all of her delusions. I just had to take myself out of the equation. I'm not going to unblock her number at this point. I've spoken to the social worker about this and she has been a great help. Telling my mother I need a break, would fall on deaf ears. She doesn't understand people needing peace. It's the guilt and fear that are ruining my peace now. I feel selfish. I guess this is how I'm been programmed?

Thankyou for reading.
K

[PearlsBefore]

Speaking from a religious perspective, the duty to be kind and help and pay respect to our parents is by far the most difficult of the commandments sometimes; she carried you, fed you, taught you how to walk and clothe yourself- can we ever do enough to repay that? At the same time obviously this is anxiety-inducing for you; at her age I'd be surprised if anyone bothers to make a formal diagnosis of BPD for any reason - more likely to just adopt "she displays some symptoms of BPD" as conveying the same thing without the need for formality and resources. It's also possible she's just reaching the age of senility of course, or Alzheimers, etc.

Even if you won't let her be discharged into your own home, have you been to visit her yet? Explain in advance you have an appointment so it can only be 40mn or whatever - it'll give you a chance to assess and see her and also to speak to her nurses face-to-face which is usually more honest and frank than anything written or over the phone.

[Notwendy]

Speaking from a religious perspective, the duty to be kind and help and pay respect to our parents is by far the most difficult of the commandments sometimes; she carried you, fed you, taught you how to walk and clothe yourself- can we ever do enough to repay that?

For those of us who have been abused in some way by a parent, this is the kind of statement that reinforces our despair.

For most of us here, we aren't selfishly neglecting our obligations to our parents but trying to manage the emotional stress of meeting them, inevitably falling short of what our parents, culture, and possibly religions expect of us too.

[Notwendy]

I have posted this before- a recap of one person's struggle with this

https://slate.com/technology/2022/03/mentally-ill-parent-elder-care-boundaries-liz-scheier.html

[Lalisa]

Hi Kaybee, sending you solidarity, love and strength. I'm sure you've been on a long road to get here. Please do not persecute yourself with guilt. You need to put your own lifejacket on first. Your Mum is being cared for by professionals and whether she knows this or not, this is the best help she can receive right now.
I have been in similar situations before with my Mum. Blocking her calls when she is in a rage/paranoid/psychotic for me is the best answer in the long run for our relationship. I find it very hard to block her number when I know she believes I can help here, but it gets easier.

Once we have both had space, we generally fall into communication again. It is not selfish to put your wellbeing first - it is essential for you to survive and not get sick yourself.

Please take all the help and support you can get right now. Do you have family who can help out or can you lean more on the medical staff?

Be kind to yourself, you are doing your best in an awful situation.

[Methuen]

Hi All,

She's not currently formally diagnosed with bpd, however it has been mentioned as likely since she's been in hospital. I've been suffering the worst anxiety of my life. I feel ill and am having great difficulty sleeping. I've blocked my mother's mobile number, now that she has been admitted. Mum was trying to get herself discharged into my care. However I am not capable of doing so. After years of guilt trips and gaslighting, I've reached a point where I can't go on with our relationship.  Mum called my son and he said she sounded distraught. She kept saying she hasn't done anything wrong.

So now I feel like crap and like an awful person for abandoning her during her time of need.  She doesn't believe she is mentally ill at all. Even with the paranoia she is experiencing. She fully believes all of her delusions. I just had to take myself out of the equation. I'm not going to unblock her number at this point. I've spoken to the social worker about this and she has been a great help. Telling my mother I need a break, would fall on deaf ears... It's the guilt and fear that are ruining my peace now. I feel selfish. I guess this is how I'm been programmed?

Yes, this is how they've programmed us - to cater to their needs and deny any of our own.  We have to do a lot of work to de-program ourselves from this.  I think you know that SHE is the selfish one - but it serves her to devalue you and say you are selfish, and she uses that guilt to have you serve her needs.  But she ignores your needs, and doesn't even recognize that you have any.

Kaybee7, you have my full support for your response and your need to take care of yourself.  I am so relieved you have spoken to the social worker and received their support.

You have declared the worst anxiety of your life, said you are ill, and not sleeping.  These are  physiological and emotional symptoms of being unwell. You know you are not capable of caring for her right now.  I want to hug you for recognizing that and letting the staff at the hospital know this.     You are absolutely doing the right thing.  You MUST take care of yourself.  It's worthwhile to reiterate that in an airplane emergency, we MUST put on our own oxygen mask before that of the child sitting next to us.  Your mom is the child.  You MUST take care of yourself, before you can even think of helping another.

I have been right where you are.  I once had the hospital discharge my mom into my care, and I did NOT speak up for myself.  I very nearly had a nervous breakdown after that.  That experience sadly TAUGHT me that the only person I can count on to advocate for me is myself.  So now when my mom goes to emergency or is admitted, I declare to the medical team confidentiallywhat the dynamic is (uBPD), and that I cannot be her "after care discharge plan", because I don't feel safe with her.  This is so hard and very embarrassing to do.  It makes me cry every time.  So before mom is discharged, the hospital must arrange home care as the after care plan.  Eventually once the immediate crisis is over, mom cancels it, but that is her choice.

I find the "honour thy mother" thinking to be rigid and offensive when it is used in this context, and I simply do not believe that God/Jesus demands that I lay myself down before my mother so that the trauma can be perpetuated, even if it's only for a visit, and not round the clock care. Every guiding rule has exceptions (i before e except after c).

Do not feel or believe that you should go see her "before you are ready" simply because she is your mother. Your amygdala and sympathetic nervous system need time to settle down.  You need to feel strong enough to be able to cope with such a visit, if in fact you even want that.  That is your choice.  No one here has your lived experience, and I for one understand what it is like to have NO emotional or physical resources left to deal with a completely dysfunctional and dysregulating person who has chronically and historically abused you in any of the forms of abuse. 

If you haven't already read the link posted by NotWendy, I am confident it help you and bring you peace, especially at this time.  It has helped a LOT of us, and I think you will find it supportive and empathetic.  It is our story.

You've stated you can't go on with the relationship with your mom the way it is, and you feel like crap, and like an awful person and guilty.  We've ALL been there!  You already know she's programmed you to feel like that - it's how she manipulates you to have her needs met.  I'm so glad you are able to acknowledge this.  The immediate challenge is to calm your nervous system, and after that start doing the working to "deprogram" and address the guilt.  It is a process, but it does get better!

So good for you for taking yourself out of the equation right now.  She has a whole medical team looking after her.  She is well cared for.  You have stated you cannot be her "discharge" plan.  You acknowledge you are not well enough to care for her.  Another poster on this thread has suggested you should go visit her, but it might or might not be too soon for any contact with her.  Only you know that. Do not be guilted into feeling or believing you should do anything but calm your own nervous system right now.  I (and many others on this site) are right beside you championing for you to do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.

You have said you are not going to block her right now.  Just so you know, when my mom was admitted to hospital, she bombed my phone with non-stop texts designed to guilt me to "get her out of there".  It was crazy making.  We have to give them the chance to let the medical teams see the true situation - and not rescue, which enables their behavior, and our trauma to continue. I had to get my husband to filter the messages.  My nervous system was on fire and I couldn't even function myself, so "looking after her" wasn't an option, even though that is what she was demanding.  I did send her messages that I spoken to the Dr and nurse, and she was being well cared for, would recover, and that we loved her.  That was as much as I could do.

I totally get where you are at, and you have my full support to do whatever you need to do to look after yourself first.

 

[Methuen]

Hi Kaybee7,

I'm just checking in to see how you are doing.  You mentioned you have been experiencing the worst anxiety of your life, but you also found the social worker at your mom's hospital to be helpful at that time.

How have things evolved since you last wrote.  Are you ok?

[Teach21]

Speaking from a religious perspective, the duty to be kind and help and pay respect to our parents is by far the most difficult of the commandments sometimes; she carried you, fed you, taught you how to walk and clothe yourself- can we ever do enough to repay that? At the same time obviously this is anxiety-inducing for you; at her age I'd be surprised if anyone bothers to make a formal diagnosis of BPD for any reason - more likely to just adopt "she displays some symptoms of BPD" as conveying the same thing without the need for formality and resources. It's also possible she's just reaching the age of senility of course, or Alzheimers, etc.

Even if you won't let her be discharged into your own home, have you been to visit her yet? Explain in advance you have an appointment so it can only be 40mn or whatever - it'll give you a chance to assess and see her and also to speak to her nurses face-to-face which is usually more honest and frank than anything written or over the phone.

I am a christian and a relationship with Jesus is central to my life. My mom has used that for years to manipulate me and keep me in her control. We are to honor our parents. We are not to allow abuse. We love while maintaining boundaries. I don't think I "owe" my mom anything. I did not ask to be born. I do not think my own children owe me anything. It is my duty and responsibility to care for my children both physically and emotionally. Even though they are adults, I have still have an obligation to my children. I do believe that as parents age, we have a duty and obligation to make sure their physical needs are taken care of and that we do love them. That can look different when abuse is involved. When a parent does not emotionally care for their children and seeks their own interest ahead of their children, it changes the dynamic. My whole life, even as a child, I was programmed that my mom's emotional well being was my responsibility. I had to do whatever possible to keep the peace and became a problem solver and was very unsettled when my mom faced distress. She now lives on the other side of the world and the expectations continue. I cannot tell her I want to visit and spend time with her for 3 weeks during the summer. I "must" come for a minimum of 4 weeks or do not come at all.  I must confront my brother about him being NC with her and let him know how wrong he is, then we can discuss possible other plans.  It is manipulation. She is trying to control me and will use my duty to "honor" her to make me feel guilty.  She is in bad physical condition and lives a tough life, and she makes me feel like it's my job to help her. She lives on the other side of the world. I cannot be there for her to take care of her. I believe my mom thinks I should quit my job and sell everything to go care for her.  While I don't think it's a bad idea for the OP to make a short visit, she has to assess her own mental health right now. I know that any visit, text, or phone call with my own other causes me to have an actual physical reaction and stress. Guilt for not being the programmed "good, dutiful daughter" can be overwhelming.

[Notwendy]

I think adult children of disordered parents are in a strange spot. It doesn't fit with cultural or religious expectations. The relationship is different from the beginning. We assume mothers are loving and caring and give so much of themselves.

By the time their children are adults, this relationship has been solidly established and is reciprocal. Adult children would be willing to assist a parent- and yet that parent has the child's well being in mind as well and so would avoid being too demanding of the child.

I am willing to assist my mother if needed but I also feel a need to protect myself from her because the second part of the relationship is different. There's an abusive component to it. I don't wish to be hurtful to her but she doesn't have brakes on her own hurtful behavior.

Where is the boundary in "Honor your parent"?  It doesn't say "obey your parent" although I think they'd be the same with a parent who has their child's best interest in mind as they'd not ask their child to do something that isn't.

But what if your parent asked you to do something that would be detrimental or even illegal. What if your parent asked you to rob a bank? Should you obey them? No.

So here is where I draw the line- I don't enable my mother to be abusive to me- because that makes her an abuser and that is not honoring her. That line might be different for different people.

Honor your parent doesn't say to only do things that they want to make them happy. That could be enabling their worst behavior. Sometimes boundaries are required.

But even so, it's not a comfortable place to be walking this line. It feels like walking a tightrope and I fall off - to one side or the other. Having a religious/moral world view can allow them to manipulate that- but that is their behavior- we can only determine ours.