Borderlines and Victim Mentality: Question

[northerndude1]

Hello,

I am recently out of a year-long relationship and in the midst of processing what happened.  I have a question.

Is it common for pwBPD's to feel they are the victim?  Victim Mentality?  In my case, I can't help but feel that my ex-pwBPD feels a great deal of anger and hurt by me, and that I am in the middle of putting her through of this trauma because our relationship did not work out.  True, for the most part the ending of the relationship was my decision.  However, I felt I had to do so because I couldn't talk to her.  All my attempts to talk to her about anything important to me - no matter how benign - resulted in a 2 or 3 day emotional upheaval with us hardly talking at all, usually bringing us to the brink of a breakup.  I wound up almost terrified of bringing anything up with her, no matter how small it might seem.

And now, she has blocked me from social media and yet still occasionally contacts me.  When she does contact me she makes sure to remind me that I was the one who broke up with her.  Reading between the lines, she is telling me that I was / am the cause of all this hurt she is going through.

I'm trying to process this.  She doesn't seem to get the message that I wanted to be able to talk, calmly.  It's always about her being the victim it seems.  Not just with me, either.  If something happens at work or with a friend, she's talks and almost loathes about how unfairly she has been treated.

Has anyone else had a similar experience to this?

ND

[Pook075]

Everyone here had that experience, it's one of the more common traits of BPD.

My best guess (from 2+ BPD's in my life) is that there's so much pain, self-loathing, trauma, etc. internally, that it's really hard to process that it was self-inflicted.  So the blame goes outward through projection and splitting.

From their point of view, they're in so much pain that their actions are justified.  For example, let's say you smash your hand in the car door and as you're dealing with that, I ask you to take out the trash.  You don't even consider my request (or maybe cuss me out) because your immediate problem is so much greater than my problem. 

I think that's sort of what happens....they're in emotional overload while we're saying, "Can't we sit down and talk this out?"  We can't see that they're in distress, which is why their reactions feel so out of proportion and they can't begin to have empathy for what we're saying.

Again, that's just my amateur guess for the situations I've been in.  I could be completely wrong.

[Augustine]

Claiming virtuous victimhood shifts the burden of responsibility to a perpetrator by definition, so it’s the BPD default status to run for the box of Kleenex at first opportunity to dab away their veil of righteous tears.

Yes, I’m well steeped in the experiences, as my former partner would spare no effort to avoid discussing matters that required our immediate attention, relational, or otherwise.

Yes, the Kleenex method was her technique whenever she was thrust into a corner, particularly with her employer.

So, if I had to pick my poison, I’d stick with the virtuous victimhood shtick, as the alternative involved becoming embroiled in an hours long argument. In both scenarios, the venomous perpetrator was always me.

We never did have a proper talk…about anything pertinent.

Understandably, I’m thoroughly enjoying my own company these days.

[once removed]

And now, she has blocked me from social media and yet still occasionally contacts me.  When she does contact me she makes sure to remind me that I was the one who broke up with her.  Reading between the lines, she is telling me that I was / am the cause of all this hurt she is going through.

it is common everywhere (not unique to BPD), for a person who has been on the receiving end of being broken up with, to take it badly, and to cope with that loss, and that sense of rejection, by putting it on the person who is perceived to have caused it. to try to reverse that sense of rejection eg "you cant fire me, i quit!".

people with bpd are certainly a lot more sensitive to rejection than average.

She doesn't seem to get the message that I wanted to be able to talk, calmly.  It's always about her being the victim it seems.

also not uncommon is for the very issues that the breakup were about to continue on even after the breakup, because one or both people felt unheard, and are still trying.

[Turkish]

That's our view. A recovered pwBPD I followed on quora put it something like this:

A pwBPD feels deep down that their feelings don't matter; therefore, they don't matter and are unworthy of being loved.

YMMV, but i felt that this explained a whole hell of a lot of the behaviors from my uBPDx and my dBPD mother.

[Kashi]

My ex would say just that.

"So! my feelings don't matter, and I don't matter"

They don't understand it is them who feels and thinks that about themselves.

"So! You are saying I don't exist a person"

They don't understand it is them who feels and thinks that about themselves.

"I just wanted you to like me" 

Well, I did like her. 

They are in a perpetual state of feeling grief about who they are. 

I hear her sometimes trying to join the dots.  She will make a statement about being young and how she felt in a situation.  But she doesn't have the understanding of complex emotions to sort out the reasons behind the way she feels.  She doesn't even know what emotions belong to her or someone else. She can't name some of her emotions. She knows happy and sad. Depressed which I think is just another version of sad and not actually depressed.  Depressed can last an hour. Depressed would be she annoyed me to my limit and I didn't speak to her when I went to bed. A few times.  Not many. In her mind that is every night occurrence. 

Does anyone remember when they were a child.  There was an adult not in your family unit but came in as friend of the family.   Gave you heaps of attention.  They were like the sun was shining and you looked up to them.  Then all of a sudden, they didn't give you that attention.  I can remember this.  It was like your little world was crashing down.  This big, beautiful sun that was shining and giving you piggy back rides, and showing you attention, gave you a gift, wasn't interested.  Sun went down. That hurt is massive when you are a child. 

I honestly think that is the hurt they feel.

Then they turn into kids who bully. 

Except they have the capacity of an adult to do quite a bit of damage.

My ex will outrightly say her emotions are immature while covering it with her mechanism of protection.

Trying to own the problem but half blaming and protecting herself. 

That is generally when I get the full force of it all.

She has some awareness of what is going on.

[jaded7]

Is it common for pwBPD's to feel they are the victim?  Victim Mentality?  In my case, I can't help but feel that my ex-pwBPD feels a great deal of anger and hurt by me, and that I am in the middle of putting her through of this trauma because our relationship did not work out. 

Yes. See a post I wrote in another thread just the other day. But as other's have said, it's one of the very common traits.

In my case, I realized my ex would create situations where I could not know at all what she wanted or expected, she wouldn't tell me, and then
she'd blast me for not knowing/doing the thing. I told her so many times I'm not a mind reader, just ask me for what you want. I would be more than happy to do anything she wants, at any time!

In one case when she was home with a cold, I called her and texted her repeatedly for two days
asking her what she needed, what I could do for her, asking her how she was doing. She repeatedly told me she didn't need anything, was just
laying down, resting. I would say, ok I'll call you back in a couple hours. She said no to me every time I asked her if I could do/bring her anything. I started making suggestions as to what I might do, she said no. She then blocked me for two days and didn't communicate with me at all. I was
really, really confused. When she did finally contact me she was MAD. I asked her why she was mad, and she said I "didn't take care of her when she wasn't feeling well.". I reminded her that I asked her repeatedly what she needed and she always said nothing. I reminded her that I even suggested a couple things and she said no. Her response "my friends know what to do without asking". And then she mocked the suggestions I made.

Now, she is really really picky and panicky about her privacy (said her ex stalked her), and there was no way I was just going to show up there unannounced, that would have created a different problem for me.

[northerndude1]

@jaded7...

Whoa...

It's hard reading posts such as the one you just wrote.  There is really no solution here other than detaching and taking good self-care, which you have done / are doing.  I commend you.

It's a sad disorder, pwBPD's so want to be cherished and looked after, but - for whatever reason - completely fail to see it when it happens right in front of their eyes.

My ex recently contacted me too.  She is not as angry as yours seems to be.  We were in no contact, but then out of nowhere she reached out via phone and 2 emails saying she didn't want this and is baffled by my behavior.  We're supposed to talk (on the phone) tonight.  Although, I'm not sure there's really much left to talk about.  She is going through a hard time for other reasons truly beyond her control (i.e. death in the family) so I do want to show some compassion, but my hopes in finding a rational, somewhat normal, conversation are not very high.

[jaded7]

@jaded7...

Whoa...

It's hard reading posts such as the one you just wrote.  There is really no solution here other than detaching and taking good self-care, which you have done / are doing.  I commend you.

It's a sad disorder, pwBPD's so want to be cherished and looked after, but - for whatever reason - completely fail to see it when it happens right in front of their eyes.

My ex recently contacted me too.  She is not as angry as yours seems to be.  We were in no contact, but then out of nowhere she reached out via phone and 2 emails saying she didn't want this and is baffled by my behavior.  We're supposed to talk (on the phone) tonight.  Although, I'm not sure there's really much left to talk about.  She is going through a hard time for other reasons truly beyond her control (i.e. death in the family) so I do want to show some compassion, but my hopes in finding a rational, somewhat normal, conversation are not very high.

Thank you. And that was only one example. I honestly would have done anything for her, and wanted to. But it felt like she needed to be the
victim of things. I remember once telling her that she makes up stories about me in her head that aren't true, then gets mad at me
for the untrue story she made up! In that case, I think her need to guilt and shame me, be a victim, was stronger than her ability to
accept love and simply tell me what might have been nice for her. My love was so strong, I absolutely would have moved heaven and earth to help her.

I can see a little bit of the victim mentality in her contacting you and saying 'she didn't want this and is baffled by your behavior'. It's now
something you did to her, and she is the victim of it. And it's no coincidence, I think, that she contacts you now when you she is in
need of emotional support. My ex used me for emotional support, even when she was in the midst of planning to sneak out of town
over the holidays, leave me alone on Christmas without ever asking me what I was doing for the holidays, and then go almost two weeks
without calling me. Just left town without a word. During the days before she left, she forwarded (again) another email from her
ex, wanted me to read it and then called wanting support and validation, which I gave happily. The next morning I texted her to take her out
to lunch at one of our favorite places- never responded. I called her later in the morning-didn't answer. Left a voice mail-never called back. The next I heard from her was 30+ hours later "at theater for night". She left town 4 days later with no communication.

[northerndude1]

I am probably seeing my ex pwBPD tonight at a dance event.  We'll likely each be hanging out with our own friends, but we'll both be there.

Her recent behavior has been baffling.  Lately, she'll contact me, and then I'll message or try to call her back, and then she'll be angry at me for getting in touch because we were to be in no contact.  Even though she was the one who reached out to begin with.  It leaves me wondering ... realistically, no matter what I do, I'm in the wrong.  If had just ignored her she'd be mad for ghosting her. 

Whatever I do is wrong.

As it turns out, today is her birthday.  If I don't wish her happy birthday tonight then she'll be angry.  But if I do try and wish her happy birthday (which is going to be hard because she'll be with other friends that truthfully I don't care for), I know for sure I'm going to get a cold shoulder, and probably blamed for "contacting" her.

Maybe it would be better to just to wave hello or smile or something, and just leave it at that.  I really don't know.

That's the thing with BPD.  There really isn't a right answer, is there?  Only wrong answers...

[kells76]

Hi northerndude1,

Even without BPD in the mix, encountering exes after a breakup can be tricky, I know.

If I'm tracking with your posts, you initiated the breakup, you both attempted couples therapy but that isn't happening any longer, and you don't intend to reconcile with her. Is that accurate?

I think I see a lot of spotlight still on her. Why is she doing baffling stuff? Will she be mad at me if I don't wish her happy birthday? How will she treat me tonight?

I wonder if part of your process could include: in those moments where you feel yourself pulled to focus on her (what's she doing right now, how will she respond to me, why is she messaging me when she said XYZ...), you used that "pull" as a reminder to turn the spotlight back on you?

Regardless of how she responds -- which you don't have any control over -- what kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to treat others? What are your values?

And dig deep -- what would your goal (or goals) be in wishing her a happy birthday?

In a way, none of this is about her or BPD. It's about you, how you feel, where you are in your grieving process, and who you want to be. How she responds, or if she responds, or what she's doing, doesn't have any bearing on that... right?

P.S. Not sure if you've had a chance to look at our Contact after the breakup workshop -- I'd be interested to learn what stands out to you.

[northerndude1]

Hi kells76,

Yes, you are correct in that I initiated the breakup (although at the time she admitted it wasn't working from her either, though she seems to have since retracted that.)  We did try Couples', which did not really work.  I actually think Couples' made us grow further apart.

Thank you for the Contact After Breakup resource, I will definitely have a look.

As far as what I am expecting / hoping for tonight if I see her, and my goal in wishing her a happy birthday.  Contrary to perhaps what I may have conveyed, I don't actually wish to get back together or anything like that; quite the contrary.  Just speaking for myself, I have no problems in not communicating with her tonight.  I just don't know how well that is going to go over.

So my goal of wishing her a happy birthday is to try to leave this as amicably as I possibly can.  But I feel like that is completely futile.  If I wish her a happy birthday, she'll be unhappy.  If I don't, she'll think I'm ignoring her, and be unhappy.

I suppose you are right in that I have no control over how she is going to react.  True enough.  I just hate leaving relationships with so much acrimony and bitterness.  But I guess that's not really up to me now, is it...

I hope that answers your question? 

[Pook075]

As it turns out, today is her birthday.  If I don't wish her happy birthday tonight then she'll be angry.  But if I do try and wish her happy birthday (which is going to be hard because she'll be with other friends that truthfully I don't care for), I know for sure I'm going to get a cold shoulder, and probably blamed for "contacting" her.

Hey Northern.  You're projecting here, which isn't helpful.  I know that because I catch myself doing it all the time and it's never, ever, ever helped one single bit.

Instead of wondering "what she wants", why not focus on "what you want" or "what's best for you."  If that's wishing her happy birthday, then so be it.  If it's not talking at all, so be it.  Focus on yourself, regardless of what her reaction may be or how she might feel.

The same goes for no-contact; you've mentioned that she's broken it several times, then gets angry when you reply.  If the relationship is over, then it's time to focus on what you want/need and stop worrying about what she wants/needs.  You come first because you deserve to heal from this.

[northerndude1]

Thanks a lot, Pook .. I agree with pretty much everything you've said.  Sometimes we can't see things in ourselves .. we are too close ...

[kells76]

Just speaking for myself, I have no problems in not communicating with her tonight.  I just don't know how well that is going to go over.

So my goal of wishing her a happy birthday is to try to leave this as amicably as I possibly can.  But I feel like that is completely futile.  If I wish her a happy birthday, she'll be unhappy.  If I don't, she'll think I'm ignoring her, and be unhappy.

I suppose you are right in that I have no control over how she is going to react.  True enough.  I just hate leaving relationships with so much acrimony and bitterness.  But I guess that's not really up to me now, is it...

I hope that answers your question? 

Yeah, definitely. It can be hard sitting with the thought that an ex might be out there in the world thinking ill of you, or she's out there and you just want to make things "right" or "get closure".

Hoping that she'll respond a certain way so that you can feel that things ended amicably is handing her control over your experience. Can you live with knowing you did the best you could, no matter how she responds (or doesn't)?

Like Pook075 mentioned,

Instead of wondering "what she wants", why not focus on "what you want" or "what's best for you."  If that's wishing her happy birthday, then so be it.  If it's not talking at all, so be it.  Focus on yourself, regardless of what her reaction may be or how she might feel.

The same goes for no-contact; you've mentioned that she's broken it several times, then gets angry when you reply.  If the relationship is over, then it's time to focus on what you want/need and stop worrying about what she wants/needs.

Your relationship ended for reasons related to unresolvable problems. It doesn't seem likely to me that after the breakup is when communication issues could get solved enough for things to "feel ok".

It might be a good experiment in living with integrity to decide what you'd want to do based on who you want to be, then follow through with that (again, like Pook075 mentioned, in this case it's less about what you do and more about why you do it).

Not easy stuff -- it's a grind getting through that early post-breakup stage. It doesn't feel good.

Are there some parts of the event that you're looking forward to, for you?