I mean.... they know they messed up like a kid with tears looking for mercy as they live different ways with different family members...knowing you suspect but you dont ask and now instead you show some kindness towards them as if youve both reached some un spoken understanding. Like they do things they don't want to have done after the moment passed but they do twant to lose everyone because of it. Like their self awareness is torture enough when they learn to connect with their feelings. I would think its growth then. Thoughts?
My son is closer to what you have described. He has 6 symptoms of BPD, but is too young to diagnose, and I believe he is starting to grow out of these traits that the therapist has labelled as oppositional defiant.
My son does behave in a somewhat similar manner of which you speak. When he is in his moment of dysregulation, he is not aware. However, soon after he re-regulates (reconnects with his feelings), he realizes what he has done (he does not disassociate like my wife does), and becomes very remorseful about it, and will apologize profusely for losing it, sometimes with tears in his eyes depending on how upset he is.
I do not let him stew in his emotions. I do engage him, and talk about his behaviors (as a parent, which is much easier to do than a partner - I have experience in both), so he can process them, and learn from them as his mind is still developing as I wish to break the cycle of intergenerational dysfunction in my family's dynamic.
I personally do not believe in leaving things 'unspoken' as no one is a 'mind reader' - and misunderstandings so easily can happen if things are not communicated when our pwBPD is being rational and regulated as I am fairly certain, even when they are regulated, there will be differing perspectives on what just happened - I know this is the case with my son and wife too.
If you are interested in engaging during this period of time afterwards, perhaps offer a hug, and validate the way they felt (but do not validate the invalid - the bad behaviors), and ask them to discuss it from their view point, listen without judgement, validate any apologies, forgive if they ask for forgiveness (unless it is unforgivable), etc. Also genuinely re-affirm the positive, behaviors, and thank them for those. That way your pwBPD knows your expectations, what you like, and what you don't, and you can better understand theirs. If you are not comfortable doing this one to one, perhaps, loop in a therapist to assist.
Thoughts?