I can't stop obsessing over a person with bpd I shortly dated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello,

warning long post.
Last year (March), I met a guy online, and we hit it off immediately. He shared a lot about himself from day 1, the pressure from his father, the anxiety, dissociation, his history with alcohol abuse (he was 6 months sober when I met him). I didn't see any of this as reg flags; on the contrary, I thought he dared to be upfront and honest. I appreciated that.
He was sending me lovely romantic messages at times, and then ignoring mine even on the same day. I genuinely thought he wasn't hooked to his phone (discovered later he is constantly online - but at the time it didn't even cross my mind to check). Never got upset. He never invited me to his place or stayed to sleep with me. Also attributed that to his anxiety and never questioned. I just said he would be welcome to do so when he felt ready. At a certain point, he said he wanted to invest and invite me over. It felt great.

Suddenly he lost his father, and I stepped back, saying he should reach out when and if he felt like it. He kept in contact sharing deep feelings about that period and I thought it was wonderful. That we truly had a deep connection.
Suddenly he went silent, and after a month of not seeing him (I thought it was due to the situation, so didn't get upset), and when I asked him if all was well, he showed up the same day at my place with a nice lunch. We talked for hours and then he said he couldn't continue, that he would disappoint me and that he couldn't ruin what we had. So I said it was fine, I understood it must have been a difficult period. Then he hugged me and kissed me saying how much he liked me. And the confusion started...

I started seeing him on Tinder those days, and day after day, and I thought I had been played. We saw each other again, I wanted to confront him but when he came over he looked so lost that I couldn't. Still he kissed me, hugged me, touched me, and when I said I wanted to keep seeing me, he said he had to go and that he couldn't. He said he really wanted to invest in the relationship but then he realised it wasn't possible for him. I believed him.

Then I kept catching him on Tinder, day after day, and I confronted him. At that point he said I didn't understand anything. I tried to talk to him, even apologised, and he started giving me the silent treatment. I never felt so invalidated. I really took the blame for not understanding.

After a few months (November), I sent another text saying I was thinking of him, and he said he was thinking of me, too. So I proposed to meet. Suddenly he changed tone, he sent me some sarcastic messages saying how he had to discuss this with his friends (mocking me), and other similar things. I didn't want to read anything into that. He came over, and it was a nice evening, we had sex, and when he left, he kissed me. A few days later I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, and he said he didn't want to see me anymore. I asked if we could talk, and he sent me a message saying how this wasn't worth enough for him, that he was not fooling himself saying he didn't want anything with me.
I was shocked, but still didn't get mad, just told him that I cared and that it was fine, just please not to be mean with me. I couldn't understand why he would tell me all that evil things via text. Did I mean so little to him, that he couldn't take half an hour to talk to me? At that point he said he was angry at himself for giving in... again I felt like it was my fault that I tricked him or something.

I sent him a book a few weeks later (beg December), that was my closure for me, the one he wouldn't give me. But suddenly for Xmas I received a message with a beautiful picture. I replied very cold, I really meant that book to be the end. I needed to put an end. And from there, I contacted him a couple more times (I had some hope back) only to get very confusing answers.

Now I see he's off with someone else, who he must have started seeing a few weeks after the last time we met. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to treat me like crap. I'm mad that I never spoke up. I'm mad that I tried to understand him. I'm mad that I felt compassion for him. I read a lot about BPD, and I thought it must be hell to leave like that.
Still, I cannot get over him, and he's out there living his best life with another girl. I check his SM almost daily. I cannot get better.

Thanks for reading me.

[Lapegaia]

Hello,

warning long post.
Last year (March), I met a guy online, and we hit it off immediately. He shared a lot about himself from day 1, the pressure from his father, the anxiety, dissociation, his history with alcohol abuse (he was 6 months sober when I met him). I didn't see any of this as reg flags; on the contrary, I thought he dared to be upfront and honest. I appreciated that.
He was sending me lovely romantic messages at times, and then ignoring mine even on the same day. I genuinely thought he wasn't hooked to his phone (discovered later he is constantly online - but at the time it didn't even cross my mind to check). Never got upset. He never invited me to his place or stayed to sleep with me. Also attributed that to his anxiety and never questioned. I just said he would be welcome to do so when he felt ready. At a certain point, he said he wanted to invest and invite me over. It felt great.

Suddenly he lost his father, and I stepped back, saying he should reach out when and if he felt like it. He kept in contact sharing deep feelings about that period and I thought it was wonderful. That we truly had a deep connection.
Suddenly he went silent, and after a month of not seeing him (I thought it was due to the situation, so didn't get upset), and when I asked him if all was well, he showed up the same day at my place with a nice lunch. We talked for hours and then he said he couldn't continue, that he would disappoint me and that he couldn't ruin what we had. So I said it was fine, I understood it must have been a difficult period. Then he hugged me and kissed me saying how much he liked me. And the confusion started...

I started seeing him on Tinder those days, and day after day, and I thought I had been played. We saw each other again, I wanted to confront him but when he came over he looked so lost that I couldn't. Still he kissed me, hugged me, touched me, and when I said I wanted to keep seeing me, he said he had to go and that he couldn't. He said he really wanted to invest in the relationship but then he realised it wasn't possible for him. I believed him.

Then I kept catching him on Tinder, day after day, and I confronted him. At that point he said I didn't understand anything. I tried to talk to him, even apologised, and he started giving me the silent treatment. I never felt so invalidated. I really took the blame for not understanding.

After a few months (November), I sent another text saying I was thinking of him, and he said he was thinking of me, too. So I proposed to meet. Suddenly he changed tone, he sent me some sarcastic messages saying how he had to discuss this with his friends (mocking me), and other similar things. I didn't want to read anything into that. He came over, and it was a nice evening, we had sex, and when he left, he kissed me. A few days later I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, and he said he didn't want to see me anymore. I asked if we could talk, and he sent me a message saying how this wasn't worth enough for him, that he was not fooling himself saying he didn't want anything with me.
I was shocked, but still didn't get mad, just told him that I cared and that it was fine, just please not to be mean with me. I couldn't understand why he would tell me all that evil things via text. Did I mean so little to him, that he couldn't take half an hour to talk to me? At that point he said he was angry at himself for giving in... again I felt like it was my fault that I tricked him or something.

I sent him a book a few weeks later (beg December), that was my closure for me, the one he wouldn't give me. But suddenly for Xmas I received a message with a beautiful picture. I replied very cold, I really meant that book to be the end. I needed to put an end. And from there, I contacted him a couple more times (I had some hope back) only to get very confusing answers.

Now I see he's off with someone else, who he must have started seeing a few weeks after the last time we met. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to treat me like crap. I'm mad that I never spoke up. I'm mad that I tried to understand him. I'm mad that I felt compassion for him. I read a lot about BPD, and I thought it must be hell to leave like that.
Still, I cannot get over him, and he's out there living his best life with another girl. I check his SM almost daily. I cannot get better.

Thanks for reading me.

[kells76]

Hi Lapegaia and

What a painful experience you've been through and are in. What stands out to me is how true it is when you emphasize how suddenly so many things happened. It really sounds like you felt jerked around -- and all of this occurred in just a year. That's a lot to go through.

Whatever is going on with him, whether it's BPD or not, the important thing isn't the label per se, it's how you felt and how everything impacted you. Even if he didn't have BPD, you came away from that relationship feeling invalidated, confused, shocked, hurt, and blamed, and that's what's important -- the impact on you, and whether that was what you wanted in a relationship. I can't imagine anyone wanting an intimate partner to treat them that way 

This seems like an important insight:

I sent him a book a few weeks later (beg December), that was my closure for me, the one he wouldn't give me. But suddenly for Xmas I received a message with a beautiful picture. I replied very cold, I really meant that book to be the end. I needed to put an end. And from there, I contacted him a couple more times (I had some hope back) only to get very confusing answers.

No matter whether ex-partners had a PD or not, they aren't usually capable of providing the closure that we need. After all, if the ex could've provided what we needed emotionally and relationally, the relationship could have worked out -- but it didn't.

It's wise of you to realize that if you want or need closure for that chapter in your life, that's something to give to yourself.

Have you considered working with a therapist or counselor to process the relationship and get closure? When BPD is involved, the more support we have, the better. I have an individual T, and my husband and I (neither of us have a PD, but his kids' mom has many traits) have had a marriage counselor. We needed both to get through.

Now I see he's off with someone else, who he must have started seeing a few weeks after the last time we met. I'm mad at myself for allowing him to treat me like crap. I'm mad that I never spoke up. I'm mad that I tried to understand him. I'm mad that I felt compassion for him. I read a lot about BPD, and I thought it must be hell to leave like that.
Still, I cannot get over him, and he's out there living his best life with another girl. I check his SM almost daily. I cannot get better.

I wonder if that's really true?

Mental illnesses such as personality disorders aren't cured by new relationships or fun experiences.

And social media is curated -- even the "casual", "OMG can't believe I look so gross I just got out of bed" posts. Nobody forces people to post photos on SM. It's all a choice and the user can carefully curate a certain image or vibe.

What do you think drives you to check his SM? Does it feel like an addiction?

[Pook075]

I'm mad that I never spoke up. I'm mad that I tried to understand him. I'm mad that I felt compassion for him. I read a lot about BPD, and I thought it must be hell to leave like that.

Still, I cannot get over him, and he's out there living his best life with another girl.

To echo what Kells said, people w/ BPD love to project happiness...even when they're miserable.  Social media is the easiest way to do that these days and you might want to consider blocking his profiles, at least for a little while.

For your anger towards him, that's good...be angry.  Feel that anger.  That's a natural part of the healing process.  So is sadness and other emotions.  It's okay to feel that and work through it on your own pace, there's no timetables for recovering from something like this.  It hurts, it's a betrayal, and it takes some time to come out healed on the other side.

Additionally, he's not living his best life, we know that as a fact.  What happened in your relationship has happened before in his life and it will continue to happen with everyone he's close to until he gets some help.  Even if his new relationship is amazing, he will self-sabotage it soon enough and be back to being miserable. 

That's why BPD's bounce through so many partners, they just move onto the next thing instead of taking the time to heal, reflect, and learn from their mistakes.  For them, it's easier to blame others than it is to own up to their own mistakes, but that choice has dire consequences mentally.  Those scars build up over time until they have a complete meltdown.

I hope that helps, at least a little bit!  You are doing the right thing talking this out and letting go of everything!

[schwing]

Hi Lapegaia and

He shared a lot about himself from day 1, the pressure from his father, the anxiety, dissociation, his history with alcohol abuse (he was 6 months sober when I met him). I didn't see any of this as reg flags; on the contrary, I thought he dared to be upfront and honest.

In my experience, "instant" intimacy is nearly the same as "disposable" intimacy.

He was sending me lovely romantic messages at times, and then ignoring mine even on the same day. I genuinely thought he wasn't hooked to his phone (discovered later he is constantly online - but at the time it didn't even cross my mind to check). Never got upset. He never invited me to his place or stayed to sleep with me. Also attributed that to his anxiety and never questioned. I just said he would be welcome to do so when he felt ready. At a certain point, he said he wanted to invest and invite me over. It felt great.

I think, for people with BPD (pwBPD), what is happening internally for them is that, for them, true intimacy becomes a trigger for their abandonment/betrayal (core) trauma.  My understanding, and take this with a grain of salt because I am not a professional, I've just read a bit (between books and accounts of people who identify as recovered pwBPD)... my understanding, is that some pwBPD have likely sustained a psychic trauma early in their emotional development.  And in a sense, because of this PTSD experience, are stuck at the phase of development when we were first developing our attachment to our caregiver/parent.

For the same reason why infant-toddlers (can) become adorable to their caregiver, pwBPD (I believe) connect with their favorite person in more or less the same way.

Suddenly he lost his father, and I stepped back, saying he should reach out when and if he felt like it. He kept in contact sharing deep feelings about that period and I thought it was wonderful. That we truly had a deep connection.

The timing of his distancing might have coincided with a time in which it would be understandable that he is less emotionally available (his father's death).  But I might argue that what was happening during this time, between your "honeymoon" and his father's passing, was that he was beginning to develop true intimacy with you, and that real intimacy became a trigger for his trauma and fear of abandonment.

Think of it this way, as he began to develop his attachment to you and those feelings of intimacy started to feel familiar to him.  Those familiar feelings also started to remind him of an early trauma, a trauma that he has very likely spent most of his life avoiding, running away from, denying to himself. 

Suddenly he went silent, and after a month of not seeing him (I thought it was due to the situation, so didn't get upset), and when I asked him if all was well, he showed up the same day at my place with a nice lunch. We talked for hours and then he said he couldn't continue, that he would disappoint me and that he couldn't ruin what we had.

Intellectually he might recognize the pattern in these relationships.. at the beginning (when there was no true intimacy), you were idealized.  The hope was that you'd be the one who doesn't trigger his disordered feelings.  But then his disordered feelings started happening -- and he doesn't want to "disappoint" you and "ruin what [you] had."  He's already gone through this idealization/devaluation cycle, while you're just trying to understand what's going on with him. 

And the confusion started...

I started seeing him on Tinder those days, and day after day, and I thought I had been played. We saw each other again, I wanted to confront him but when he came over he looked so lost that I couldn't. Still he kissed me, hugged me, touched me, and when I said I wanted to keep seeing me, he said he had to go and that he couldn't. He said he really wanted to invest in the relationship but then he realised it wasn't possible for him. I believed him.

You see, pwBPD do want to find a relationship to which they can attach.  They just want to also find one that doesn't trigger their disordered feelings.  What they might not understand (or accept) is that the problem lies within themselves -- they often cling to the idea that there is someone out there that doesn't trigger them in this way.  They keep running away from what is ultimately their deep seated trauma.

After a few months (November), I sent another text saying I was thinking of him, and he said he was thinking of me, too. So I proposed to meet. Suddenly he changed tone, he sent me some sarcastic messages saying how he had to discuss this with his friends (mocking me), and other similar things. I didn't want to read anything into that. He came over, and it was a nice evening, we had sex, and when he left, he kissed me. A few days later I asked if he wanted to go for a walk, and he said he didn't want to see me anymore. I asked if we could talk, and he sent me a message saying how this wasn't worth enough for him, that he was not fooling himself saying he didn't want anything with me.

You see, after some time has passed, he might consider spending time with you again, on the naive hope that this time his disorder feelings aren't triggered.  But now you are no longer just an idea, you are a real person to him, and he has not discarded those real feelings of intimacy.  So whereas in the beginning, the honeymoon phase, he was able to spend much time with you without triggering these disordered feelings, he cannot do so now.

I needed to put an end. And from there, I contacted him a couple more times (I had some hope back) only to get very confusing answers.

See how his confusing answers fit with this different narrative.

I read a lot about BPD, and I thought it must be hell to leave like that.
Still, I cannot get over him, and he's out there living his best life with another girl. I check his SM almost daily. I cannot get better.

I think what we experience at the ending of a relationship with a pwBPD, is actually a kind of simulacrum of the trauma they experienced in their childhood.  From our perspective, we formed a deep connection, and for reasons we do no understand, that connection was severed.  In a sense we are abandoned or betrayed.  And as difficult as that experience is to reconcile in our adult minds, can you imagine what this kind of experience must do to a young child's mind?  This is the pain from which pwBPD spend their lives running away from, denying, or wishing that someone else would take away from them.

Where as you have the wherewithal to recover from this injury, he may not ever.

Best wishes,

Schwing