My highschool junior just moved out

[Sluggo]

It definitely breaks my heart. And it has me questioning what I'm doing to get them to this point.  People in my life who are close to me state that that you are a normal functioning parent. I ex-wife has been clinically diagnosed.  However I think I have some weak parenting where sometimes I parent out of fear that the kids will leave. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

My 17yr junior daughter has moved out, which feels like a natural step for my children. When I split with my ex, she said she would make sure the kids would grow up to hate me. I have full legal custody since 2019, with four of my seven kids living with me then. My two oldest were estranged, and now my third daughter has moved out as a high school junior. It's like a pattern. When they leave, they cut off contact and focus on their mom, even avoiding family members related to me. This hurts, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong. People say I'm a good parent, but I worry about losing my kids. My ex-wife has issues, but I question my own parenting, fearing I push them away unintentionally.  I parent out of fear or even weakness. 

[Notwendy]

It's hard to know from your posts, but it seems unusual to cut contact with a parent except in extreme circumstances such as abuse, and you aren't doing that.

It makes me wonder if this isn't somehow engineered by your ex. She's actually said that. My BPD mother sees people as either "on her side" or
"not her side". She successfully created distance between some of her relatives/friends and me, even telling one of them to not speak to me, and he complied. I don't think I deserved any of it - she was angry at me at the time. She even coerced my father to "her side" and strained that relationship. (I was an adult at that time)

I didn't believe it was possible to strain a parent-child bond before that, but now I do. I also think it's extremely cruel to do so but if someone is in victim perspective, they may see it as defending themselves against a perceived threat. You wouldn't turn your kids against their mother but if she would do that against you, she may assume (projection) you will too.

You are aware of your parenting style as being fear based and so it is possibly you could learn some better parenting skills, but I find it hard to believe that this warrants being cut off from your kids.

Eventually, some of my mother's family reached out to me after they experienced her behavior. Your ex still has BPD. Sounds like your kids may possibly be enmeshed, or also enlisted as her emotional caretakers. I hope, in time, they will recognize that her behaviors are questionable- not to turn them against her but for them to wonder if perhaps there is more to their parents than they may think.

I don't know how old your kids are- but teens may tend to push against parents as young adults in order to figure out their place in the world and eventually that settles. As for your D- it may be that as a teen girl, it may feel more comfortable living with her mother but she also may not be aware of all that entails. If she's been living with you, it may feel like a fantasy to live with her mother and now, she will experience the reality.

I hope a counselor can give you some advice on your parenting style. I think it's important that you continue to reach out to your kids, not in an anoying or demanding way but contact to let them know you care about them. Don't send obligatory gifts like large amounts of money or fancy gifts, but little ones - a bit of cash for birthdays, holidays- thinking of you- directly into accounts like Venmo  because sending something to their mother's house may not get to them. If they have their own place- then you can send cards, or small gifts.

Stay in contact with your D through text. If she's in any school events like sports- show up to see her play. Ask about her plans after high school. Keep showing interest in your kids' worlds and what they are doing. If your kids are out of the home, in college or in their own place- let them know you'd love to get together with them for lunch or dinner. Then let them sit with this. You may be playing the long game here- they will mature and see things differently- not against their mother but that this is more complicated than they realized- and question what they may have thought.

[kells76]

My 17yr junior daughter has moved out, which feels like a natural step for my children. When I split with my ex, she said she would make sure the kids would grow up to hate me. I have full legal custody since 2019, with four of my seven kids living with me then. My two oldest were estranged, and now my third daughter has moved out as a high school junior. It's like a pattern. When they leave, they cut off contact and focus on their mom, even avoiding family members related to me. This hurts, and I wonder what I'm doing wrong. People say I'm a good parent, but I worry about losing my kids. My ex-wife has issues, but I question my own parenting, fearing I push them away unintentionally.  I parent out of fear or even weakness. 

Just to clarify, did she move out of your place and then in with Mom? Or is she living with friends, other relatives, on her own...?

Does she have a job? Is she staying in school? Any extracurriculars?

Step/parenting teen girls is not easy. H and I have wondered if his youngest (SD16) might do something similar -- once the parenting plan is over, or close to over, if she'll just move far away and kind of "take a break" from us. (SD16 will turn 18 during her junior year, so we may be in for something like you).

This is not the end of the book -- this is a chapter. There are more chapters to come, where your kids may need to put some pieces together for themselves, kind of an "unvarnished" experience with Mom, and then do some thinking about you.

H and I believed that our oldest (SD18) would always see Stepdad as the hero, rescuer, "real dad", etc. Every sign for a decade pointed that direction. It hurt. She is now saying she never wants a relationship with him again and is only in contact because of her half brother (B11). We can look back and see that we basically never said anything negative about him to her. She got a full unfiltered dose of him for years, without our commentary, and that's how she put the pieces together.

These are long haul relationships. We as the adults need to get adult support for many, many years, to be strong enough to still be there when the kids come back.

This stuff really hurts.