Just decided to cut off communication with my adult daughter with BPD

[sadmom1]

Hi everyone,

I just stumbled upon this site and decided to tell my story with my adult daughter with BPD.  My husband and I have put off with her verbal and physical abuse for years now.  We know she should go inpatient to get help as her life is a mess.  She can't go out in public without having a panic attack over seemingly innocuous events.  She has severe anger issues.  She she's goes into panic or down a rathole of depression over something that we can't understand (missing a music festival), she becomes verbally abusive.  She blames us for all her problems.  Says we spoiled her as a child, so it's our fault she gets depressed when she can't have something.   We are in our 60's and getting too old for this.  She has, at times, physically attacked us and her brother, in addition to throwing and breaking things in our house.

I just told her we love her very much, but we are cutting off communication with her until she seeks help.  We are in therapy, and our therapist told us we are "enabling" her by letting this continue.  We support her financially, and he also told us to stop doing that, but we don't have the heart to do that.

Are we doing the right thing?  We just can't take the abuse anymore.

sadmom1

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Pook075]

Hello and welcome SadMom, I'm so sorry you're going through this with your kid.  I walked the same path with my BPD daughter and it's tough to know what to do at times.

I will say, however, that your therapist is 100% correct.  You feel like you're loving her and giving support out of love, where she feels like you owe her for destroying her life.  That's so common with BPD, they can't accept blame for anything, so it's everyone else's fault and they have to "get even".

I'm saying this because when you pay her bills, she thinks, "They owe me that for all the harm they've done."  And as long as she has that viewpoint, there's zero reason to get help.  Why should she?  You're showing her that it's all your fault and you're accepting all the blame.  That's the enabling part and it is incredibly destructive within your daughter's mind.

If your daughter becomes violent, dial 9-1-1 and have her arrested.  They'll put her on a psych hold for 2-7 days.  When she returns home, if she's unstable and blaming you...dial 9-1-1 again and repeat the process.  If things don't change, you ask her to leave and cut off financial support. 

That sounds terrible, I know, but she has to see how the real world actually works.  You can't treat people like dirt and expect them to endlessly support you.

This will get worse before it gets better.  But that's what it will take for your daughter to realize that she does need help, that she does need to treat people in her life with respect, that she does need to be thankful. 

I kicked my BPD kid out at 21 and again at 22, and her life was hard.  She bounced from friend's house to friend's house, stayed in a halfway house for awhile, and eventually moved in with a romantic interest.  Eventually she asked to come home and we said there's a few simple rules- respect people here & clean up after yourself.  After a few weeks, those things stopped happening and we threw her out again. 

This time she was truly homeless because she burned every possible bridge.  And guess what; there was nobody left to blame.  Within six months she was in-house for therapy and took it seriously for the first time in her life.  Things rapidly changed from that point forward and today she's a great daughter.  Still with BPD, of course, and still having bad days, but she now understands that I'm an asset instead of an enemy.  She loves her daddy.

I hope that helps!

[BT400]

I feel your pain. I’m dealing with my own daughter and her abusive behaviors (I’ve dealt with her mom’s BPD for 15 years). It seems that healthy boundaries and acceptance are the only way to go. At least that’s what I’m getting out of these boards and is the action that I’m taking. Because dealing with these personality disorders is exhausting, hurtful, painful, and scary. And we deserve to take care of ourselves I think. But it is hard when we have unconditional love for our child. My thoughts are with you as you determine your path.