Divorce Initiation Strategy - Anecdotes appreciated

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello All,

Longtime lurker.  This place has helped me a great deal in preparing me for this moment, but I need help with one last push across the goal line.

I am married to an uBPDw, maybe PMDD. Been together 10yr, married 8.  No kids, living in a house we purchased together with several animals and horses (lots of shared responsibility). Prenup in place.

After years of turmoil, I am ready to leave but am scared to initiate the conversation.  My support system is in place.  Lawyer in place.  She’s in the worst shape that I have seen her.  Recent staged suicide attempt, torched ties with her family (they are toxic), death of a friend, and our longtime marriage counselor leaving me feel on an island and her without a safety plan/support structure.

She has a history of escalation (mainly running) with several suicide threats, and lots of dangerous driving. I think my biggest fears are being able to handle the vitriol and feeling obligation to stay on the property and fears not only for her safety, but for others when she drives.  I have some secondary stress for my work as well - super high stress month (new project at a time when there are significant layoffs).

Would love to get some insight into how you got the courage to “say the thing”

[Gopher89]

Hello All,

Longtime lurker.  This place has helped me a great deal in preparing me for this moment, but I need help with one last push across the goal line.

I am married to an uBPDw, maybe PMDD. Been together 10yr, married 8.  No kids, living in a house we purchased together with several animals and horses (lots of shared responsibility). Prenup in place.

After years of turmoil, I am ready to leave but am scared to initiate the conversation.  My support system is in place.  Lawyer in place.  She’s in the worst shape that I have seen her.  Recent staged suicide attempt, torched ties with her family (they are toxic), death of a friend, and our longtime marriage counselor leaving me feel on an island and her without a safety plan/support structure.

She has a history of escalation (mainly running) with several suicide threats, and lots of dangerous driving. I think my biggest fears are being able to handle the vitriol and feeling obligation to stay on the property and fears not only for her safety, but for others when she drives.  I have some secondary stress for my work as well - super high stress month (new project at a time when there are significant layoffs).

Would love to get some insight into how you got the courage to “say the thing”

[Gopher89]

*Torched ties with our marriage counselor of 6 years. Bad sentence made it sound like our MC also died

[ForeverDad]

Even if she is not usually aggressive, news of the looming end of the relationship can amp up the emotions, perceptions, actions, reactions and overreactions.

It has been said that news of a separation and divorce heightens the risk of DV or other poor behavior such as suicidal ideation.  So be very careful.  It's a good idea to have support there as the news is shared and for some time thereafter.  Not just for her but also to protect you (from DV or DV allegations).  Avoid private scenarios where you could be at risk without witnesses around.

[ChooseHappiness]

I can't speak to the best way to initiate a divorce, but I would say you need to be ready for your ex to turn into your worst enemy as soon as the divorce is underway -- no matter how civil and cooperative you may attempt to be. That has been my experience -- and it was my wife who initiated the divorce proceedings. (To be fair, I'd told her months earlier I was only sticking around for the kids after years of living separately in the same home.)

My anecdote is that my ex began a relentless barrage of verbal abuse that then switched to text and email abuse when I went no contact with her and ignored her confrontations. My lawyer has contacted her lawyer requesting an end to the harassment, but my ex just can't help herself and has to attack me once a day if not more. I really only am sticking around for the kids now, as I don' t want to leave them with her in such an unhinged state. Once we have a parenting plan that guarantees my time with them, I'll be moving into a separate residence as quickly as possible.

So once you pull the trigger, you need to be ready for the explosion that may come your way. Be ready to move out ASAP and have all your affairs in order to support that move (finances to pay for it, new furniture picked out or movers ready to move your stuff, plan to take care of the responsibilities at your shared home, etc.). The person you divorce will likely be much worse than the person you are living with now.

The more things you have in place before you make the break, the easier and quicker the break will be.

Good luck with it!

[ForeverDad]

William Eddy (HighConflictInstitute.com) has written has written several books on handling conflict.  One of them is a most helpful handbook for us here, Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

[eightdays]

Hi Gopher89, I am in a similar situation and about to do the very same thing.   I am not having a conversation about it, I am having my attorney write a letter on my behalf which was the recommendation from a psychologist I consulted with.

[EyesUp]

Definitely read "Splitting" and also read up on BIFF communication.

You're fortunate that there are no kids involved, so just keep that in mind:  You can and will eventually extricate yourself from this situation...

A few suggestions:
- get a voice recorder, and keep it running 24/7.  even if you're in a two-party state, keep it running.  it's the only thing that will protect you from false claims re: DV, etc.
- if your w is prone to rages, violent behavior, or self harm, consider installing security cameras. again, it's the only way to protect yourself when/if a false victim narrative attempts to frame you for her injuries, etc.
- make sure anything valuable to you is already secure before you deliver the news.  remove any important papers, heirlooms, etc. to somewhere safe.  I put a couple of file boxes of things in my uncle's basement, including harddrive backups when I went through this.  I was concerned that my ex would smash the computer, etc.
- the recommendation to have your atty deliver the news is a good one.
- have contingency plans.  i.e., if you intend to cohabitate, have a backup plan in case that doesn't work out. 
- be ready to call 911 if your W threatens self harm or behaves in a way that's dangerous to others.  candidly, this may be the only way that her erratic behavior can be documented.  there's also a small chance that such intervention will actually help her in the long run.  too often, those of us in caretaker roles are reluctant to take this action and sacrifice ourselves before we put a partner in a position to face consequences.  my strongest advice is:  be ready to make that 911 call if there is a real threat or danger, and let your W face the consequences.

This is truly a huge topic, so don't hesitate to check in here anytime with more Qs, and let us know how you're doing.

[ForeverDad]

- get a voice recorder... it's the only thing that will protect you from false claims re: DV, etc.

- if your w is prone to rages, violent behavior, or self harm, consider installing security cameras. again, it's the only way to protect yourself when/if a false victim narrative attempts to frame you for her injuries, etc.

- be ready to call 911 if your W threatens self harm or behaves in a way that's dangerous to others...  my strongest advice is:  be ready to make that 911 call if there is a real threat or danger, and let your W face the consequences.

Especially be aware that when suicidal threats have been an issue in the past, you need documentation so that when you do call emergency services (911, police, etc) and she predictably denies any such self harm then you have proof she was (or claimed to be) in distress.

Also, be aware that some security systems may not record sound.  Just having a video record may not be enough to document aggressive or suicidal vocal behavior.