Asking for experience with daughter in law

[Oilwater15]

We are getting ready to be in the same town as our son/Dil and grandchildren for 2 weeks for appointments. We have been talking to our son on the phone once a week or every two weeks for the last few months, but haven't been in town. In the past, our daughter in law has invited us over for a meal, and we always go because, well, our son and grandchildren are there. This time, after everything has really escalated and I have blocked all contact with her because of her verbal abuse, I'm thinking we might refuse the invite ( maybe make an excuse)if we get it. In your experience, will that just make her angrier and cause more damage? I realize I am blessed to still be able to speak to my son and I don't want to mess that up. And I also don't want to give her yet another reason to have her pit him and the grandkids against us. I've been reading in these blogs how easily that could happen.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi OIlwater15
My experience with BPD is that refusing would surely escalate the situation because it is exactly what DIL is looking for to isolate your son even more from his family.

BPD folk are deeply threatened by a partner's close relationships and family. They will interpret quite normal interactions their partner has with others as abandonment and then they work hard to isolate the partner from that relationship.

I think it is important to act as normally as possible, to keep things as 'light' as possible and not to react to the triggers DIL will no doubt put out to try to get you to respond in a way she can use against you. Make sure your son is always there when DIL is with you so that he has direct evidence of any interaction.

All this sounds pretty ridiculous I know but we are dealing with BPD. The most important thing is to protect that weekly phone call.

[Oilwater15]

Thank you so much for your response. That's exactly what I was afraid of ....

[Notwendy]

I agree with Sancho. Since you have blocked her, she may not invite you over again. I hope she does and also if she does, it's in your best interest to go, act as if nothing happened, and be a cordial guest.

I'd unblock her. This doesn't mean tolerating verbal abuse. It means not reacting to it- but deleting/ignore it rather than block communications.

I have an elderly mother with BPD and I have seen this kind of dynamic. She sees people as "on her side" or "not her side. Please read up on the Karpman triangle. Your son's role is as rescuer to your DIL and the wife is in victim mode. You are placed in persecutor role. If put in the impossible position to choose her side or yours, he will choose hers.

If you are able to speak to your son on the phone, you are fortunate. IMHO- do not say a word about his wife that isn't complimentary. Assume that everything you say to him is shared with her. It's a fine line between enabling the situation and laying low so you can maintain contact but from my own experience, while you don't want to be enabling, being less reactive is the way to keep the hope of contact with son and grandchildren possible.

[Oilwater15]

Thank you so much. I understand and I am sorry for the pain you all have been through to get to this point of understanding and knowledge. Your insight helps.

[Notwendy]

Thank you-
What is interesting is that my BPD mother doesn't seem to connect her behavior/feelings to their consequences.

She's expressed her dislike of my father's extended family ( they didn't disclose their feelings about her to us kids). After my father passed away, I assumed she'd have nothing to do with them.

We attended a family reunion on their side. My BPD mother was angry that she wasn't included. I mentioned to her that she didn't like them, and wouldn't have attended anyway-so why was this an issue, but she replied that as my father's wife, she should have been invited. Later on, she had a birthday celebration and invited some of them.

This made no sense to me. After decades of expressing her dislike of them, why would she want any contact with them? In context of her behavior, maybe it's not so surprising. Feelings can go from one extreme to the other. She can say mean things about someone and then, it's as if she never said them.

One thing I did learn is that she listened in on my phone calls to my father and also read his emails. Anything I said to him was shared with her.

BPD mother also craves praise and validation. Her extended family was always complimenting her. It seemed unusual to me but I think they understood this better.

There is a difference between enabling and being strategic. Enabling is often done out of fear or emotional need and the person who is enabling is fearful of the person's response if they don't. Being strategic is a choice- the goal- to maintain contact with your son and grandchildren by avoiding drama with your DIL.

It may not make any sense that she'd be verbally abusive one minute and invite you to dinner the next but the changing emotions make this possible. After this conflict, you may not get invited and if this happens, I'd extend an invite to them to take them out for a meal when you are in town or offer to bring take out for all of you. They may or may not accept but on your part, you tried to maintain the connection. If you are in town and don't attempt to see the family, they may see it as a snub.

[Oilwater15]

Yes, I also see it problematic to be alone with the grandkids at this point,even though we have literally done that for years. I'm figuring out that this all escalated so badly because as my grandchildren are getting older, there were a couple of situations where they went home and said things that got misinterpreted and in turn we were falsely accused. So I'm hearing from you to be intentional and strategic, eyes wide open and have my son around with any interactions.

[Sancho]

 . . it could even be that your grandchildren went back and were clearly really happy with the time they spent with you. Grandparents walk a tightrope. If a toddler runs to them excitedly that could be enough for a BPD parent to be overcome with abandonment - there is a poor sense of self and children can become part of the self.