Borderline uses MONEY to 'control' - Overly generous

[Michael13]

Hi!
My mum, aged 58, is a true sufferer of BDP (or rather, we, the family suffer from her illness!).

One (of many) thing which keeps coming up is her use of money to control and/or 'buy' us.
She has quite a bit of spare cash generally, and will ALWAYS ask/demand etc to pay for my stuff, my wifes stuff, our kids clothes etc.

Of course, a little bit of 'treating' is normal for a parent, such as to offer to pay every now and then for something, but this is just so over the top. Sometimes, I will say straight out that no, this thing I want to pay for, and she just can't cope, she blows up and gets all offended, "Why cant you ever let me pay for anything, I just want to be nice! Your being abusive! etc etc".

Also, she has my banking details, and will often just 'send' me the money via a bank transfer, for even something which I have specifically said I do not want her to pay for it. Of course, after that, I am in a loose loose situation. Say thank you= more sending money and her feeling she is 'on top' and 'ownes' whatever she 'paid for' and fish for thank you's forever after. Not say thank you= constant prodding and pushing for recognition that she sent the money.

What do you all say about this? I'm specifically being a bit vague becuase this issue manifests itself in many ways and times, its more of a general question: When a Bordeline parent uses money to 'buy' control and appreciation, whats the correct approach?

Thank you to this amazing community!

[EyesUp]

Hello and welcome.

I'm sure many of us can appreciate your situation, while some others might wish that the pwBPD in their life abused them by sending money - often we hear that it's the other way around...

You are 100% correct that it's a control mechanism.  The thing that both scenarios have in common is that BPDs often don't or possibly can't form "normal" attachments - as a result, relationship dynamics can become transactional.  It sounds like that's what you're dealing with.

Rejecting your mother's offer is, quite literally, a rejection - one of the common triggers for BPDs... 

Not respecting boundaries (in this case your desire to avoid a quid pro quo or simply to have independence) is another common dynamic with BPDs.

You mentioned that your mother has your bank info.  I understand that changing banks can be troublesome, but given the family dynamic it might be worth it.  Have you given this any thought?

Other than the "forced kindness" - are there other issues in the relationship?  It sounds like there may be other dynamics in play, and the support you receive here may take a different shape depending on circumstances.

In regard to your question "what's the right approach?" - that's what so many of us are seeking...   Some things to consider:

As you dig into the literature on BPD, a common theme is to starve the fire - take away the oxygen that fuels the conflict.  This might mean becoming non-reactive, i.e., minimize or eliminate the emotional energy in most/all interactions.  In your situation, this might mean responding to the gift with minimal fanfare, and zero criticism.  You may find that your mother gets bored and decides to move on to something or someone else.  Or she may become resentful and amp up the conflict, seeking ever greater acknowledgement for her gestures - no one can predict.

Another way to starve the fire is to take yourself out of the equation and put some distance between you and your mother.  Reading up on attachment styles and spending some time with a good therapist to revisit childhood dynamics might help you process your feelings in regard to your mother in a way that enables you to move forward with new clarity.  If you haven't tried this approach, many of us here highly recommend it. 

There are many sections on this site that might be helpful to explore while engaging the community...  the lesson on ending conflict may contain food for thought re: how to engage (or not!) next time this topic comes up:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict   

Let us know if any of this resonates...

[Notwendy]

My BPD mother uses money as a form of control too. She can either be overly generous or miserly with it.

I don't accept any money from my mother. She doesn't offer it often to me anyway. She's been overly generous with my children though- not extremely over the top but sending larger birthday checks and holiday checks. She wants a relationship with them and this is one way she attempts to engage them so they feel obligated to her. I have left it up to them to decide to accept it or not. Their rationale was that it was actually their grandfather's earnings and that he'd want them to have it and they have been responsible with it. Now that they are grown and she is elderly on a fixed income, they don't accept any money from her.

Other than her grandkids, her money gifts don't seem to be related to the relationship. She may send my kids a check but a larger one to her relatives' kids.

Another reason I don't accept any offers of money to pay for something is that- if she pays- she wants a say in it. If I am planning a family get together and she offers to pay for it- it means she invites who she wants and controls more details. If I want a say in it- I can't accept the money.

Unfortunately, like in your situation, having any boundaries with my mother is upsetting to her. If you need the boundaries- you just have to take action- Yes, she will get upset and not like it but you have to believe for yourself that you are not being abusive, even if she says you are. You can't control what she feels or says but that doesn't make it true. If she said you were an elephant- would you be an elephant? No- her saying it doesn't mean it's true.

I think it's wise to separate the bank accounts. She doesn't need that information. It is common to have this kind of information arrangement in order to send money to a grown child in college or when they are just starting out, but this also requires boundaries on the part of the parent to respect the grown child's autonomy and responsibility of the child with the funds.

You are married with your own family and it's time to cut this connection. There was probably a time when this arrangement was helpful to you but you are past that. In addition, the lack of boundaries on her part is reason to have your own separate accounts.  If she still wants to send gifts at holidays or birthdays- that is her choice but you set the boundaries on this. I'd suggest starting with discontinuing her way to direct deposit into your account- close it and get another one.

[HappyChappy]

It's worth noting, that people that lack financial awareness will either over or under spend. Self awareness is the solution - but the older someone is, the harder that can be. Especially if this has gotten them what they want their whole life. But if you can provide them with what they want (attention, etc...) then that might be an incentive ?

[Tangled mangled]

Michael,

My bpd/NPD mother was very generous with spending on clothes for me as a child. I remember being under 6years old and wearing the most beautiful dresses and receiving so many compliments when she will take me around her friends or to the market, or church. Then I was the perfect extension of her and she got so much attention and validation from using me for her show. As I grew older, as with all children, the clothes looked less ‘cute’ , and buying clothes for me became difficult and she stopped. From the age of 9 I relied on hand me downs from cousins as her focus shifted to buying expensive jeans and clothings for my elder brothers who were in their teens.

Even though she never abused me with gifts as an adult- she shifted to abusing me financially still to maintain that image and my position as an extension of her self. Eg trying to make me pay for an inheritance that doesn’t really exist- so she can tell people around that she bought property for me or I bought property for her.

My mother is known in her family as a kind ,generous and godly woman who will ignore the needs of her family to help her needy relatives. It was done for her image and there was always competition with her NPD elder sister who was buying respect and adulation by buying stuff for a relatives far and wide.

My ex husband is similar to your bpd mother- eg  ‘buying ‘ a more expensive car for ‘me’ but it later turned out to be a car that I was paying for but was in his name. At the beginning of our relationship it was like’  look what I bought for you for Christmas, what are you getting for me for Christmas? ‘

There were gifts that were forced upon me too- usually things I didn’t need or ask for-expensive handbags and designer clothes. Receiving those gifts felt like I was being bought- like I was selling my soul to the devil.

Since waking up to cluster B abuse, my new mantra is ‘No thank you’. I refuse to accept gifts from people and I’m skeptical of strangers who offer ‘kindness’- especially things I can do for myself.

[HappyChappy]

My bpd/NPD mother was very generous with spending on clothes for me as a child. I remember being under 6years old and wearing the most beautiful dresses and receiving so many compliments….

I only ever got hand me downs, and my mother wanted complementing on her frugality
I remember going to school and someone saying “Who died ?” why ? “Because your trousers are at half mast” … thankfully I lived in a poor area, so was teased with affection and humour. Then at Uni the posh kids thought I was trendy, because retro fashion was in vogue.   You’ve got to laugh, or you’d cry.

She has quite a bit of spare cash generally, and will ALWAYS ask/demand etc to pay for my stuff ...
... Say thank you= more sending money ...
… What do you all say about this?

Say thank you. Then create your own wealth and be free 
PS My mother's in her 80's and still critises me for buying new things (she never gave us money to spend and even confiscated money gifts at Christmas - resistance was futile).

[Methuen]

When a Bordeline parent uses money to 'buy' control and appreciation, whats the correct approach?

  This made me laugh.  Anyone who had this answer could become rich.

You have touched on so many things here.

Many years ago when H and I were buying our first house, my mom presented us with a $10,000 cheque already written out.  We said thank you but no thank you.  We spun it that we wanted the satisfaction and pride of buying a house on our own.

OMG the drama.

She blew up.  Then she cried.  Eventually she ghosted us.  We just waited her out and stuck to our plan.  It took months for her to get over it.  Instead of respecting us for our choices, she decided we didn't love her, and she took the rejection of her money as a personal rejection of HER.  I can tell you she made that very stressful.

Their sense of self is so empty, and their view of things is so distorted, that I am certain there is no "correct" approach to deal with this type of dysfunctional person.  They are going to do and think what they are going to do and think.  Nothing you say or do will change that.  Accepting that, is harder than it sounds.  What we CAN do, is learn the communication tools on this website, so that at the end of the day we can be comfortable with our we communicate and conduct ourselves around a dysfuctional person.

I think to some pwBPD, money=love.  My theory is that they don't understand or feel unconditional love.  When my mom gives gifts, there is always strings attached.  That means a gift which seems like a nice gesture, always has conditions, even if they don't become known until much later.  That isn't love.  That is conditional love, which isn't really love.

When my mom was younger and after she had had a rage, she would eventually show up with a plate of home baked buns or cookies.  This was her gesture to let you know she wasn't mad at you anymore and it was the sign to let everyone know the matter was dealt with and not to be mentioned again.  The cookies or the buns weren't just a nice gesture.  They were payment for her bad behavior.  But trust me that those cookies and buns did not make up for the abuse that came before them.  Any healthy person would rather "talk it out" and come to a "meeting of the minds", "make up", and reflect and learn so the people involved never have to go through that conflict and abuse again.  Sometimes the hurt was so raw, the buns would go moldy, and then in the garbage afterwards. But it wasn't like we had a choice about accepting them.  We didn't.  Accept the buns/cookies or the abuse would just start all over again.  She felt better after giving them, but nobody else did.

Conditions.

Special occasions were always a challenge for us as parents.  There's the gifts for the grandchildren.  But then there's money slipped to them "on the sly" with the words "don't tell your parents". 

Secrets = power/control
Money = power/control

Children aren't at a developmental stage to understand how they are being manipulated.

Later on as the grandkids age, the BPD grandparent starts expecting favours in return.

The gifts and money always come with expectations, if not immediately, later on.

I do not believe that my BPD mother has the capacity to give or receive unconditional love. 

The key to your money problems with your mother, is boundaries.

Of course, a little bit of 'treating' is normal for a parent, such as to offer to pay every now and then for something, but this is just so over the top. Sometimes, I will say straight out that no, this thing I want to pay for, and she just can't cope, she blows up and gets all offended, "Why cant you ever let me pay for anything, I just want to be nice! Your being abusive! etc etc".

I think you need to decide what your boundaries are.  What are you ok with her spending money on?  i.e. What can you live with?  What are you not ok with?  What crosses your boundary? 

For us, that $10000 cheque was a red line.  We were not crossing that.  The next thing that happens is because she's "invested" in the house, she gets a "say" in decisions related to the house.  No thanks.

Also, she has my banking details, and will often just 'send' me the money via a bank transfer, for even something which I have specifically said I do not want her to pay for it.

This is another very big boundary issue since she hasn't discussed it with you ahead of time, and you have not given your "consent". 

Michael13,  how did she get your banking details?  Did you give them to her, or did she obtain this some other way?

If it were me, I would literally change banks. 

Yes she will freak.  My mom freaked when we said no thank you to the cash "gift" towards buying a new house.  It took a long time.  But eventually she got over it and moved on.  I did not bake her buns or cookies either.

She found ways to "sneak" small amounts of money to the kids. "Just because".  But we knew her, and instilled the values of "doing things like mowing lawn" for grandma because she was grandma.  To do a good deed.  They didn't accept money for helping her.  They did accept money for birthdays and Christmas etc.  So we found a happy medium to placate her, but also instil the values we wanted our children to learn.  We certainly didn't want them to learn her values.

It's a good idea to get a handle on the money problem now.  Know what your own boundaries are and stick to them. The road ahead will have pot holes and sink holes, but if you can focus on your personal goals and values, it helps to get around the pot holes and sink holes.









Also, she has my banking details, and will often just 'send' me the money via a bank transfer, for even something which I have specifically said I do not want her to pay for it. Of course, after that, I am in a loose loose situation. Say thank you= more sending money and her feeling she is 'on top' and 'ownes' whatever she 'paid for' and fish for thank you's forever after. Not say thank you= constant prodding and pushing for recognition that she sent the money.

What do you all say about this? I'm specifically being a bit vague becuase this issue manifests itself in many ways and times, its more of a general question: When a Bordeline parent uses money to 'buy' control and appreciation, whats the correct approach?

Thank you to this amazing community!
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