When a Bordeline parent uses money to 'buy' control and appreciation, whats the correct approach?
This made me laugh. Anyone who had this answer could become rich.
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You have touched on so many things here.
Many years ago when H and I were buying our first house, my mom presented us with a $10,000 cheque already written out. We said thank you but no thank you. We spun it that we wanted the satisfaction and pride of buying a house on our own.
OMG the drama.
She blew up. Then she cried. Eventually she ghosted us. We just waited her out and stuck to our plan. It took months for her to get over it. Instead of respecting us for our choices, she decided we didn't love her, and she took the rejection of her money as a personal rejection of HER. I can tell you she made that very stressful.
Their sense of self is so empty, and their view of things is so distorted, that I am certain there is no "correct" approach to deal with this type of dysfunctional person. They are going to do and think what they are going to do and think. Nothing you say or do will change that. Accepting that, is harder than it sounds. What we CAN do, is learn the communication tools on this website, so that at the end of the day we can be comfortable with our we communicate and conduct ourselves around a dysfuctional person.
I think to some pwBPD, money=love. My theory is that they don't understand or feel unconditional love. When my mom gives gifts, there is always strings attached. That means a gift which seems like a nice gesture, always has conditions, even if they don't become known until much later. That isn't love. That is conditional love, which isn't really love.
When my mom was younger and after she had had a rage, she would eventually show up with a plate of home baked buns or cookies. This was her gesture to let you know she wasn't mad at you anymore and it was the sign to let everyone know the matter was dealt with and not to be mentioned again. The cookies or the buns weren't just a nice gesture. They were payment for her bad behavior. But trust me that those cookies and buns did not make up for the abuse that came before them. Any healthy person would rather "talk it out" and come to a "meeting of the minds", "make up", and reflect and learn so the people involved never have to go through that conflict and abuse again. Sometimes the hurt was so raw, the buns would go moldy, and then in the garbage afterwards. But it wasn't like we had a choice about accepting them. We didn't. Accept the buns/cookies or the abuse would just start all over again. She felt better after giving them, but nobody else did.
Conditions.
Special occasions were always a challenge for us as parents. There's the gifts for the grandchildren. But then there's money slipped to them "on the sly" with the words "don't tell your parents".
Secrets = power/control
Money = power/control
Children aren't at a developmental stage to understand how they are being manipulated.
Later on as the grandkids age, the BPD grandparent starts expecting favours in return.
The gifts and money always come with expectations, if not immediately, later on.
I do not believe that my BPD mother has the capacity to give or receive unconditional love.
The key to your money problems with your mother, is boundaries.
Of course, a little bit of 'treating' is normal for a parent, such as to offer to pay every now and then for something, but this is just so over the top. Sometimes, I will say straight out that no, this thing I want to pay for, and she just can't cope, she blows up and gets all offended, "Why cant you ever let me pay for anything, I just want to be nice! Your being abusive! etc etc".
I think you need to decide what your boundaries are. What are you ok with her spending money on? i.e. What can you live with? What are you not ok with? What crosses your boundary?
For us, that $10000 cheque was a red line. We were not crossing that. The next thing that happens is because she's "invested" in the house, she gets a "say" in decisions related to the house. No thanks.
Also, she has my banking details, and will often just 'send' me the money via a bank transfer, for even something which I have specifically said I do not want her to pay for it.
This is another very big boundary issue since she hasn't discussed it with you ahead of time, and you have not given your "consent".
Michael13, how did she get your banking details? Did you give them to her, or did she obtain this some other way?
If it were me, I would literally change banks.
Yes she will freak. My mom freaked when we said no thank you to the cash "gift" towards buying a new house. It took a long time. But eventually she got over it and moved on. I did not bake her buns or cookies either.
She found ways to "sneak" small amounts of money to the kids. "Just because". But we knew her, and instilled the values of "doing things like mowing lawn" for grandma because she was grandma. To do a good deed. They didn't accept money for helping her. They did accept money for birthdays and Christmas etc. So we found a happy medium to placate her, but also instil the values we wanted our children to learn. We certainly didn't want them to learn her values.
It's a good idea to get a handle on the money problem now. Know what your own boundaries are and stick to them. The road ahead will have pot holes and sink holes, but if you can focus on your personal goals and values, it helps to get around the pot holes and sink holes.
Also, she has my banking details, and will often just 'send' me the money via a bank transfer, for even something which I have specifically said I do not want her to pay for it. Of course, after that, I am in a loose loose situation. Say thank you= more sending money and her feeling she is 'on top' and 'ownes' whatever she 'paid for' and fish for thank you's forever after. Not say thank you= constant prodding and pushing for recognition that she sent the money.
What do you all say about this? I'm specifically being a bit vague becuase this issue manifests itself in many ways and times, its more of a general question: When a Bordeline parent uses money to 'buy' control and appreciation, whats the correct approach?
Thank you to this amazing community!
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