Hello everyone,
This is a very long post.
I have no idea where to start. My partner and I are enegaged and soon to he married in October of this year(keep that in mind).
To start off with a little background, my mother was an orphan right when she was born. Her grandparents decided to adopt her, apprently that was an issue in the family. She had multiple father figures(Grandpa's and Uncle's) that passed during her childhood. She was in a long relationship with her ex till middle school into highschool, apperently the ex's mother didn't like her. Made a bargin with her ex, which was "If you break up with your girlfriend, I will get you a new car." And so after the breakup a month later she met my Father(they met at 16-18) they were togther for almost 30 years. He passed away 1 year and 8 months ago. My mother has other truama but I am not going to go into that because it is irrelevant (though possibly has some sort of connection).
Growing up with her, I thought my childhood was fine and normal. Though I have some memories that do come up that seem strange regarding my mother. Regarding myself, I had learning issues and so I was homeschooled. We argued a lot, some of it was me not listening or struggle to comprehend which brought frustration with my mother. I remember, one time during a meltdown in grade school (due to not understanding and stubborness) she threatened to get rid of my cat(which is also passed). Another memory, was again in grade school. Everything was fine and then I had misunderstanding of an assignment and from her understanding my tone changed and she randomly slapped me. I do remember getting slapped a lot, I noticed when these issues happened her voice would get under my skin and still does till this day(my anxiety goes up).
I was compared too growing up, ussually with a friend who seemed to be more ahead. When I had meltdowns too, she would compare me to bad people as well. I believe this was the start of my negative self talk and not liking my self is rooted in. I never felt like I was like my peers and it bothered me.
In highschool, things were okay. There were a couple moments. I do believe there are more bad memories but I have blocked them. The first memory, was freshmen year and I wasn't understanding a math equation. She got frustrated and started to talk about ny learning challenges and my diagnoses of Auditory Processing Disorder. How the Dr's said I was retarded and will never go to
college. During that time, I mention how I was struggling with my mental health during an argument and she yelled back how I was selfish and wanted attention. Junior year, I was in a long relationship, my ex and I took photos that came off looking like engagment photos(which I was not aware at the time) and my house turned into a battleground. My mother flipped out, saying I should leave and pack my bags(Note: I forgot to mention in every example of an argument I have had with my mother she almost always mentioned kicking me out). Now, when she did this my Dad would step in and tell her to stop. I was reslly scared of her and was hiding, I remember talking to my ex who knew what was happening and was concered. When I tired to communicate to my mother her hurtful behavior she always deny's it(gaslighting) so, it brought massive confusion.
During college years, my mental health crashed. Towards the end my fathers death I had some bad truama happen. I was hard to be around yet my parents weren't really understanding which caused some anger towards them. My father felt like I didn't like him yet that was not true(he also caused some hurt). One of the memories was in a trailor, my mother and I were arguing. I threw the coffee insulator on the counter due to my mother going around the mountain on a subject and I was overwhelmed with. My father instantly grabbed me and threw me against the fridge and got into my face. I was really hurt after that and our relationship was not the same, I have tried to bring up that situation to my mother(Yet, no understanding! so I dropped with her).
Then my father got really sick and passed. During it all he expressed how he was concerned about me (like heading down a bad path, yet I was just diagnosed with depression and PTSD). When he passed, my mother turned for the worst. All she talked about was my Father though anything I was struggle with she couldn't handle. If I had a low moment(or PTSD episodes which one mintute you are fine the next you feel strange due to a flashback) she would snap at me! she did that before when my father was alive(and my Father would defend me). She kept accusing me that I have Bipolar and saying how it was not normal. Another memory, was I was walking on campus and was crying due to epsiode. I called my mother and she snapped and stated "I can't handle you right now, I don't want to hear about *insert subject* anymore" I felt so rejected like I felt like I was 6 years old lost in public. I went to emergency therapy on campus, the therapist told me "My mother is not well, and not a safe person to share struggles with" and that was def a wake up call. Nontheless, she puts my father on pedal stool and it affects my grief to the point where I don't want anything to do with my father.
Moving on, I am now engaged to my fiancé who I met 6 months after my fathers passing.
My mother has a family friend who has have feelings for my mother(Now this person is 75, my mother is 50! this person was also my father friend for years). This man has brought a lot of pain to the point where if he died I would be jumping and spitting on his grave after the toxcity he has put me through. My mothers friend, kept "providing" for us though there were ties since he had feelings(I don't there were was any sexual stuff but who knows now). The last time he visited which was last month everything went wrong. Inwas doing EDMR, I warned everyone that there could be side effects and none of them listened nore respected! They all kept talking about my father, and her friend kept expressing how he wants my mother to find someone though he really wants her. I have expressed to please stop, and he would never respect my boundaires this caused suddent rage epsiodes towards him such as screaming in his face and throwing hot tea at him due to cussing at me (for example randomly saying "Shut the
PLEASE READ up" after teasing or expressing boundaries). I have apoplagized to him but he has held grudges. Nonetheless, I worked on my anger towards him, and really worked on being nice towards him and ignore his mean behavior.
After doing EDMR, the next day was so rough. I processed some things that made my weep. My mother comes in with an attitude and expressed "What is your deal." I said, "I need some space and I will be out there in a mintute." she got angered and tried touching me, I put my arm out to defend myself. I then stopped crying and walked out to the living room to work on the wedding invitations. Her attitude was bad, she expressed how she is invited people who I don't care for at the wedding! I expressed to her "Why invite these people who don't care to a wedding." and she stated "It is for your favor incase something happens." and then she said "I am done, you don't need my help." Her friend was silent and watched! the next day, I saw her friends phone on and joked how she might be taken off the wedding list which hurt. Then later comes in my room and said "I am not coming to your wedding, I feel like you don't like me, that you think my breathe stinks, that I am embarrssing." my mouth dropped and realized my mother is really not well. Her friend found out, and he kept pressuring me into begging her to come to the wedding. I said "She is her own adult, it is her choice! I made it clear that I want her to come to the wedding."
My mother also expressed to not tell my fiancè about her not coming to the wedding which is a red flag. Her friend expressed that my mother was not well and she is showing signs of a personailty disorder. Then my mother and I argued again and he got disreceptful and said "Do you have any empathy for your mother?" I expressed how I don't know how to handle my mother and how hurt I am with her. He then started to throw a fit how, if I don't fix this with my mother and that a demon is in the mix of this! it will affect my marriage(which also sounded crazy and uncomfortable).
I did open up a little to her friend, about my concern about my mom. He took advantage if that, went behind my mother and said the same thing he said about my mom to me. So, basiclly saying I have a personailty disorder and a fragmented mind. I was so upset when I heard this, I told my mother how he is trying to divided us but she didn't believe me.
He then yelled at my twice, we were in the car(since her friend wanted to help with fiances for the wedding). I was quiet since I had nothing to say, my mother read into me being quiet and got upset and said "I am going to go home now." her friend lashes out and said "Your
PLEASE READing attiude sucks" and I said "Can you please not get involved, you are not helping! please give me space before you affect my attiude more." and he said "Ill give you space" in a snarky attitude. Then when we got home, he lashes out again, and I lost it I said "You talk bad behind my back and my mothers saying and accusing us the same stuff." and then he said "You need to apopalgize to your mother" I said "You are not my father". Then my mother send my a message how he took away the fund for the wedding and my mother. She wanted me to fix it, so I apopalgized and expressed he kept accusing my mother and I the same issues. He was not respectful.
Now, my mother wanted to move on! When the family friend left(which I have blocked) she switched and kept bringing up our arguemnt how she was embarrsesed and humilated! though, we have had worst arguments infront of her friend! Now during her arguments, she almost always brings up her sob story of how she was orphaned and saw a lot of death growing up! That she wants a new family(which my father told me that when I was 6, that she wanted a new family). During this time, my fiancé wanted me to go to his parents which is 8 hrs away! My mother wouls say "I don't feel peace you going up there." after going around the mountain with her 10 times. I decided to leave without saying goodbye. Due to the crazy aruging, accustions, and threats. Accusing me of being reall mentally ill, that I need to be put in a hospital, accusing me of being abusive, and other crazy stuff. My fiancé and i were gonna elope(we have thought about it for awhile and tonget away from my mother), and so he called her since he lives 8 hours away to express we are going elope! and she lost it! Accused him of being disresptful and kept bringing up my Father to him. Though, he expressed to his parents and I that he was respectful. He also accused of my fiancé of being a evil sex addict. Everytime I bring up these accusations and threats she says "I don't remember."
My fiancé father called my mother and he was so warn out that he couldn't express any of the conversation since he didn't want anyone to worry. Though we all caught her lying, since she was doing her sob story towards his father. One of the lies was, how I canceled my flight ticket to Michigan which I didn't. Another was me cheating on my fiancé and how I hate her.
Anyways, that's all I can remember but I don't know what to do! I can't stand her and she ruined the wedding experience(She has been controling with the wedding too, saying we need a DJ though we can't afford it and she won't tell us who the catering is to my fiancé and his family(as well as me). I know after reading the book there is going to be massive boundaires but I don't want to be in relations with her! she acts like a totally different person with others but my Fiancé and I it is different! I am tired of how people praise her but she isn't that great! she has really hurt me and I can't be around her and will not!
I am heartbroken and beyond pissed at her! to the point where if something happens to her a load of anxiety would be gone. I get nightmares of her too. Has anyone been through this? feeling stuck? I know someone people just elope but my mother and her abuse has put me in such a bad place where I am scared to do that. Lastly, do anything towards the wedding has been a wound and hard like decorations since there is no support and no family, def feels alone.
