Considering and preparing for divorce - need some practical advice

[deeperwell]

Since realizing my partner has uBPD last month, and finally admitting to myself the depths of his abusive behavior, I am seriously considering divorce and trying to get prepared. I'm in the middle of reading Splitting, and am beginning to copy important documents and evidence of abusive patterns. I'm asking for referrals to attorneys and divorce coaches and trying to get my ducks in a row. I'm planning to open my own bank account and get my own credit card, and thinking of relatives who can lend me some money. We have a 10-year-old and his safety and wellbeing is also my top priority.

I have three pretty basic questions for people who have been through this or are in the middle of it.

1. How do you actually tell your uBPD spouse you want a divorce? In a public place so they don't endanger you? Serve them papers? Call them? I haven't seen anything in the various books I've read that actually propose options and I don't know how to go about doing this.

2. When does a parenting plan actually begin to be implemented? Do you suggest something at the same time as serving the divorce papers?

3. I'm not sure it will be safe for me to stay in my own home after I tell my spouse I want a divorce. Did you move out? Stay in the guest room? I want to make sure I can continue to see my son as much as possible.

Thank you for your practical and tactical advice. This message board has been a huge safety net for me in the last two months and makes me feel so much less alone.

[livednlearned]

1. How do you actually tell your uBPD spouse you want a divorce? In a public place so they don't endanger you? Serve them papers? Call them? I haven't seen anything in the various books I've read that actually propose options and I don't know how to go about doing this.

I think it all depends how safe you feel. If he is more waif-like, you may have more options. If he is not cooperative and dangerous, you should prioritize your safety and your child's safety. In my case, I opted to have him served at home to avoid being served somewhere public where he might feel humiliated. However, as we got closer to divorce, he seemed to develop a sixth sense and became more controlling and abusive. I had a storage unit with anything nostalgic he might destroy, and important papers, and enough personal belongings for my son and me in case we had to move out quickly. Plan for all contingencies 

2. When does a parenting plan actually begin to be implemented? Do you suggest something at the same time as serving the divorce papers?

In my case we let the lawyers work it out on our behalf and set up a time for mediation (in separate rooms) in order to create a temporary order that became pretty much permanent. Temporary is often floated around but in most cases it's looked at as an arrangement considered good enough for short-term, therefore good enough for long term. If you go the mediation route, know that it's possible to agree on parts of your order. For example, we were able to agree on financial stuff and parenting plan but disagreed on legal. So that item went on a shelf until I dusted it off and asked again for sole legal.

3. I'm not sure it will be safe for me to stay in my own home after I tell my spouse I want a divorce. Did you move out? Stay in the guest room? I want to make sure I can continue to see my son as much as possible.

Make sure you understand how things work where you live. Where I lived, leaving without my child was too dicey  as it triggered "abandonment of bed and board." However, my L told me if he did something to trigger safety issues, she would defend my choice to leave. My ex canceled a credit card of mine and that was enough. I got a notice by email and left work to pick my son up from school, let the family specialist and principal know that things would be rocky for a week or so, then stayed in a hotel that night. I took (then) S9 to a friend's office, then had law enforcement do domestic assistance so I could get items from my home before ex came home from work. It was all supposed to happen the next week when he was at a conference but the canceled credit card tipped me off that he was brewing for a big fight at home that weekend and you could start a fire with the sparks in the air that week anyway. He was "dry drunk" for 4 days and the tension was somehow worse than when he was drinking which is something I never thought possible. Once S9 and I were ready, we stayed at the apartment complex in a short-term rental while we waited for the apartment I rented to be move-in ready.

If you do something like I did, be sure to talk to your L about it first. Mine had me put S9 on the phone that night to talk to his dad to avoid allegations of "kidnapping" which is actually a legal term triggered when custody proceedings are underway.

My ex was pretty unhinged toward the end so I had to take precautions and to my surprise, my ex put his mask on and became extraordinarily calm, eerily so. He took the stance that I was having some kind of mental breakdown except that people involved in our case knew this had been building for close to a year.

Thank you for your practical and tactical advice. This message board has been a huge safety net for me in the last two months and makes me feel so much less alone.

 

Same for me. No matter how much planning I did, things did go sideways a bit but I felt like I had a place to kind of get centered and think through the unexpected issues that popped up. You have people here who know what you're going through and how tricky it can be.

Your ex will be able to pick up your child from school so be prepared for that. If you can, try to get therapy going (if you haven't already) or have it lined up. It's such a hard experience for us so you can imagine it's incredibly stressful for our kids. I was so fortunate that the school had a fantastic family specialist counselor who was amazing with my son. She gave him a special pass so he could come to her office and sit and be quiet or play games. All he had to do was flash his pass and people let him go see her.

If you can establish those relationships ahead of time, even better.

[PeteWitsend]

Hi Deeperwell,
I'll answer your questions below:

1. How do you actually tell your uBPD spouse you want a divorce? In a public place so they don't endanger you? Serve them papers? Call them? I haven't seen anything in the various books I've read that actually propose options and I don't know how to go about doing this.

If you think they'll react violently, why tell them at all?  You have no obligation to put yourself in that situation, and if you feel you must, I would just send a short statement after they're served, along the lines of "I have decided to file for divorce.  I encourage you to speak with an attorney to understand your rights and the next steps.  I don't have anything further to discuss with you directly about this matter.  If you have any questions, please have your attorney contact mine to discuss."  Do not blame them for it, do not give them any reasons... they'll just want to argue them.  Keep it simple, state facts not opinions, and be generally polite without being kind or showing any weakness or concern. 

I think this is only something to discuss with a partner you trust; if they're not honest and upfront with you about their thoughts and feelings (and for a pwBPD, they really can't be), then you don't have to be upfront and honest with them about yours. 

2. When does a parenting plan actually begin to be implemented? Do you suggest something at the same time as serving the divorce papers?

So your attorney will file for divorce with the court.  That sort-of starts the process, but nothing moves forward until the other party is served, i.e. your attorney hires a formal process server who hands them a copy of the divorce complaint and records this with the court. 

From then, the judge will either schedule a preliminary hearing to establish temporary custody orders, stating which days each parent has the child(ren), when they exchange them, temporary child support payments, etc.  The "temporary" orders may last over a year, depending on how fast the court moves.  That's sort of like a parenting plan, if that's what you're thinking of.  Typically the temporary orders require each parent to stay put; they can't move without notifying the court, can't change the kid's or kids' school(s), etc.

From there, judges usually order the parties to go to mediation to attempt to wrap things up.  In mediation, and judge will meet (separately) with your side, and your ex's side to try to resolve the division of marital property, child support, alimony (if any) and child custody.

If you can't resolve it all then, or there are outstanding issues, you'll probably have to have a trial to resolve the case. 

This could all take as little as 6 months, or as much as a few years time. 

Does that help? 

3. I'm not sure it will be safe for me to stay in my own home after I tell my spouse I want a divorce. Did you move out? Stay in the guest room? I want to make sure I can continue to see my son as much as possible.

I moved out.  My ex's mother was living with us, and providing child care and stuff for us, and as an immigrant who spoke little English couldn't really get her own place, so I figured a judge would weigh the needs of 3 people against one, and I'd have to move out, or otherwise force a sale, and move out that way.  The house was in both our names, but I decided it was easier to just move out and get my own place & have her pay me half of the equity in the home. 

I figured I wouldn't end up as the primary custodian anyway because of the age of my D at the time, and wouldn't be able to show enough evidence that she was a bad mom to overcome that, so the end result was that I would move out and get the standard expanded custody (about 35% of the time) with my D. 

In your situation, it may be the opposite; I would talk to an attorney. 

You can of course leave home and stay somewhere temporarily while pushing for a hearing on who gets to reside in the home during the divorce or after & he could be ordered to move out.  Will also depend on whether the home is his alone (i.e. he bought it himself and his name is on the deed), or joint marital property.

Until a court lays down the custody schedule, each parent has an equal right to possession, which isn't of course practical, but means neither parent would get in trouble for taking the child somewhere safe until things get resolved and a court establishes when each parent has exclusive custody.   

[AskingWhy]

Read, "Splitting," by Bill Eddy.  He's a social worker and lawyer, and gives sound advice on divorcing a BPD.

[try2heal]

The law and custody related questions vary state-by-state, so you definitely want to consult with a domestic relations lawyer in your state. The behavior is definitely one of abusive control and coercion. If you believe that you may be in danger once he knows, I would suggest reaching out to a domestic violence service provider to safety plan before you take any action. They may also have referrals for lawyers who are within your price range (including pro bono if you qualify) and savvy about domestic violence. As a DV lawyer myself who just spent 3 years with an uBPDexBF you will also want to explain some of the details about the diagnostic criteria and how he met it when you discuss parenting plans. Many judges that look sideways at abuse allegations can actually understand the danger when combined with a mental health diagnosis.

[ForeverDad]

I will first mention a few perspectives that are crucially important as an overview to a likely difficult divorce.

Diagnosis... Most courts ignore mental health illness claims.  Most here who divorced did not convince a court to seek a diagnosis.  It seems a person has to be a murderer or a famous personality before court takes an interest.  In divorce the court will treat both of you as you are, even if one of you misbehaves.  It will not try to "fix" anyone.  The most it will usually do is set orders (boundaries) to limit substantive misbehavior.  It will claim it knows nothing about either of you.  My court - and everyone around the court - studiously ignored any attempt to identify a mental illness.

Documentation... Claims of "he always..." or "she always..." are vague and likely to be ignored as hearsay.  Most courts care to listen to only the most recent 6 months of incidents that occurred before the filing.  (Older stuff, just Let Go unless it can be used to establish a pattern of behavior.)  Court rules mostly on evidence and documentation, though it also has default policies, procedures and case law that may vary from written law.  So it is wisdom to follow the court's example - have a journal, annual planner, calendar, whatever, for you to record the details of incidents, including date/time, location, witnesses, what was said/done, etc.  (And your journals are your private property, you can even reference them in court to confirm your memory but your ex can't demand to see them.)

Fairness... We all here are such great examples of being fair, even overly fair persons.  That's good in normal life. But that fairness inclination can sabotage us in BPD scenarios.  PwBPD will try to misuse your sense of fairness to sabotage and obstruct you.  Too, your fairness will not win you any points with the court.  So as long as you avoid being "nasty", you can focus on yourself and your needs.

Your privacy & confidentiality... Now is the time to begin ending the "we" concept since the marriage or relationship is about to end.  Focus on yourself and any children.  This means you Stop Sharing Everything.  If you consult a lawyer or DV resources, you don't share that.  You have a right to privacy and confidentiality.  Going forward you share only what is required, such as necessary financial information and bills, and child-related matter if you have children.

Sometimes events happen before we're ready.  (I was only slightly prepared and we separated months before I got my ducks in a row.)  So know in advance that something somewhere won't go as planned yet that isn't the end of the world.  But even so, do your best to plan for any contingency.

Some states allow a person to file along with the divorce petition other papers such as possession of the home, an initial interim parenting schedule until the court can issue one, etc.  This is where you need an experienced attorney who realizes this is all new to you and you need comprehensive advice, you need more than a newbie forms filer and hand holder.

In my case I filed for divorce and had to wait about 3 months before the court had a scheduled hearing and issued a divorce temp order to address custody and parenting.  Until then it was a virtual "possession is 9/10 of the law".

If it is your home (and not "ours") then ask your lawyer whether you can seek possession and require your stbEx to move elsewhere.  If you figure eventually you'll end up with the residence, then go ahead and seek to accomplish that sooner than later.  (Often the ex delays surrendering possession when it comes time to move or sell.)  Your lawyer can help you weigh the positives and negatives.

I want to make sure I can continue to see my son as much as possible.

Divorce is tough enough, adding BPD plus children makes it vastly more complicated.  It is important to be as involved a parent as possible.  After all, you're the reasonably normal parent.  (Court may be slow to figure out who is reasonable normal and who isn't.  What is obvious to us can get lost with all the legal issues and processes.)

Historically mothers got some level of preference regarding parenting in past decades, though these days thing are less unequal in some states.  You need to be seen as the parent proposing solutions, not causing problems.  Eventually the court should take note of that.

One thing not to do is leave the children behind.  Always seek the most parenting possible.  (This is definitely not the time to be "fair" if your spouse has mental health or anger issues.)  If you have to be a metaphorical mama bear, then so be it.  Your children need you.

[AskingWhy]

I see Splitting is being read, so please don't tell your partner that you think he has BPD. Keep it to yourself. Protect yourself, children and pets.

[ForeverDad]

I see Splitting is being read, so please don't tell your partner that you think he has BPD. Keep it to yourself. Protect yourself, children and pets.

Correct.  If you share information with the stbEx, odds are it will somehow be used against you.  Though you want to help, the truth can easily be twisted in such a way to sabotage you and your strategies.

Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William Eddy (mediator, lawyer, author, lecturer) is an excellent resource for handling the surprising legal hurdles faced in a divorce with someone who has serious acting-out perceptions and behaviors.

[ParentingThruIt]

My uBPD ex was passing out while watching the kids and drinking on medication. Detailed descriptions of his behavior and a prior DV arrest were enough to get an emergency order to vacate. Police took him out of the house; I had told him I was gonna leave work early and get the kids that day.  It was initially only a few days so I had to be ready in case they sent him back home, but a few days later we appeared in court and they extended it for 3 months. This gave me sole custody and a chance to get my kids into therapy (he had opposed it) and some other needs met with the kids and around the house.

I was able to try to file for the order to vacate w/o him knowing, so if i didn't get it he would never know that. Check your state.  I had a neighbor who offered to put me and the kids up if we didn't get it or needed to get out quick for an emergency, which made me feel much safer.

I've been doing a DV support group which has been helpful. I recommend DV hotline or group to help you make safety plans. When you leave is the most dangerous time. My ex didn't attack us but did get an extreme DUI within a week or two of being vacated. As others are noting, events or police reports that help demonstrate the volitility / substance use / violence / control that you have lived with, will help establish them clearly for the judge as issues.

Start thinking about custody now. Many states assume 50/50 unless there's a compelling ongoing reason for it to be less. Do you think your son would be safe with him 50% of the time?  If not, hang on to him as much as you can and document as much as you can why not.

Bill Eddy and his coauthor have done a lot of videos on YouTube. Splitting was very helpful and listening to the interviews helped me assimilate the info faster too. Splitting is also on Audiobook if that helps.

Good luck. it sounds like you are doing everything you can to prepare and are very clear which is awesome.