OVERWHEMED AND EXHAUSTED... WHAT SHOULD I DO?

[Didi Love]

This is my 1st post after signing up today


Brief background story..
I am a 40-year-old woman and have supported my family’s mental health issues all my life! My Mother was BPD/Bipolar and was a cutter, I witnessed her cutting on multiple occasions and had a horrible upbringing because of her illnesses. My Mother passed away in 2012 from cancer. My sister (43) was diagnosed with bipolar and BPD in 2013. I tried my best to help as we were very close and it was really stressful, BPD truly is a very cruel mental illness. 
After meeting my partner we started a family in 2019 and moved 1hour away from my sister. I have slowly pulled away from her and put my children and myself 1st and that has resulted in many issues between us.






I’m overwhelmed by my BBD sister, she attracts so much drama in her life, many failed relationships, abusive relationships, and many illnesses, always calling me selfish and having no understanding of how stressful it is being her sister.

She doesn’t show any understanding of my needs as an ADHD person. A full-time Mother / home-schooling a  4 and 5-year-old. She thinks her needs are more important than mine and has a hard time understanding my boundaries or life choices.

I am a peaceful person who doesn’t like a lot socialising and prefers to focus on home duties, cooking, playing with  / educating my children ect. I like to touch base with friends and family through calling and rarely meet up with my friends in person but all my friends are totally okay with this and respect my choices. My sister continually stresses me out and calls me a selfish bitch for not wanting to spend time with her on a regular occasion. She thinks I don’t care about her. I have tried to explain myself but it always escalates into a massive drama.

Things got heated 5 months ago  (March 2024 ) when I wasn’t there for her. She went through yet another breakup with her 4-year on and off again relationship and now she has cut me off.

 I tried to make amends through email last night and asked if she wanted to FaceTime my daughters after not talking to them for 5 months. She went on to point out all my faults and wrongdoings and asked how I plan on doing better. Even though I haven’t actually done anything wrong, just pulled away and put boundaries in place.

I’m exhausted by her drama and illnesses and I know it sounds horrible but if this was a once-in-blue-moon occasion I would be there and support her but this has been going on for years and years.

I want peace in my life! when does it stop? How do you have a relationship with someone who has so much drama and needs and doesn't listen to my point of view?

I love her and miss her and my girls do too but I can’t see a healthy way of paving forward.

would love to hear some feedback or other people's stories.

Thanks 





 

[LonelyOnly77]

I’m overwhelmed by my BBD sister, she attracts so much drama in her life, many failed relationships, abusive relationships, and many illnesses, always calling me selfish and having no understanding of how stressful it is being her sister.

She doesn’t show any understanding of my needs as an ADHD person. A full-time Mother / home-schooling a  4 and 5-year-old. She thinks her needs are more important than mine and has a hard time understanding my boundaries or life choices.

I can totally relate. My sister who I was very close to and talked to almost every day cut me off back in May for no reason at all (or for whatever reason she made up in her head to justify it). I'm pretty sure she has undiagnosed BPD or something similar to it because she's so black-and-white in her logic. People are either on pedestals or being knocked off of them. No one's allowed to be human. There's no gray area, and if you try to show empathy towards someone who made an honest mistake or was just being human you're "making excuses for them." I love my sister dearly, but watching her make the same mistakes over and over and invite chaos into her life in the form of terrible men has been hard to watch. She's now in her mid-40s and sometimes it's just mind-boggling, the lack of real growth. She can't take accountability for anything, never could.

She's high-functioning though (she holds down a job, has three degrees, owns her home, has a son she takes good care of, etc.) so I feel like she'll never really get help. And it's hard to just watch someone ruin their life on purpose because it fits the narrative in her head and the programming our parents unintentionally gave to her. So part of me doesn't want to give up on her, but she's not giving me much of a choice by cutting me out of her life without even bothering to explain what her problem is.

What I had to come to accept is my sister hates herself. And when people hate themselves they aren't really capable of loving others in the ways they need. They don't know what healthy love even looks like. So they just end up acting out their programming/disease. If they think they're a victim and people hate them, they will seek out relationships and people who will forever victimize them. And she has poor judgment with people, often looking for someone to "entertain" her or fill up the empty parts of her life/self-hatred. People who are nice and kind are "boring" to her and are dismissed. Yet she wondered why I've been able to make friends and keep them for decades while she struggles in every relationship she has, to the point she had to create a fake struggle between us in order to play out this narrative. She's just trapped in her "loop." And it's a loop of doom. One where you open you're heart to terrible people and terrorize your support system until you don't have anyone, fulfilling her own prophecy about being unloved and unsupported.

Kind of hard to be there for you if you push me away.

[Janiek]

Didi,
I totally understand what you are going through, your exhaustion and desire for peace. I also have a sister and just want a peaceful life.   Unfortunately, I'm afraid it doesn’t stop.  My sister is 72 years old and untreated. She is financially and emotionally dependent on me and my other sister.  If anything things have gotten worse as she’s aged as she is unable to cope with getting old.  I.m 69, and still trying to set boundaries and have a quiet enjoyable life.  My only advice is to stick to your boundaries.
Janiek

[Methuen]

Hi Didi,

I'm sorry you are going through this with your sister. 

Personally, I have come to the conclusion that BPD and narcissism seem to be paired.  People with BPD don't have boundaries.  They see the world as revolving around them like they are the center of the universe and it is their "caretakers" duty to look after their feelings instead of taking care of themselves.  They remind me of a preschooler.  pwBPD have low to non-existant levels of emotional intelligence, even if they happen to be the type of pwBPD that is able to function better in other areas.

My person with BPD is my mom.  She is 88.  In my experience, it only gets worse with age.  So don't assume it will get better with your sister with time. A personality disorder doesn't just "go away". My understanding from therapists is that even psychiatrists are often unable to help a pwBPD.  There are exceptions though.

Marsha Linehan had BPD.  Then she created Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which is  now used worldwide as a treatment.  Check her out on the web if you are interested.

I think what has helped me the most is changing my expectations.  Of mom.  Of myself.  How to do that is a journey.  I had to stop wanting my mom to be different.  She didn't want to be different.  She likes the "extremes" of her feelings - the extreme "highs", and even the "lows".  She once told me she stopped her antidepressant because she didn't like how it "numbed her feelings".  She was on the minimum dose.  I think she may have an addiction to those extreme emotions.  And she "totally gets off" on raging on people.  It gives her a rush.

Your sister probably feels justified in "telling you off".  That's their perspective.  And defending or justifying or explaining yourself will always make it worse because it invalidates their feelings. 

When I completely accepted mom for who she is (check out "radical acceptance" on this forum) I could better see that the only way I could move forward was to change me.  Change my thinking.  My expectations.  My reactions.  My involvement.

Cause it's not possible to change them. 

A good place to start is with boundaries.  Boundaries are for you though.  Not her.

It sounds like your sister expects you to be her support person. She called on you when her partner relationship of 4 years fell apart.  Then got furious when you weren't available.

I feel like I have read dozens of books.  They have all been helpful. For me, the one that sums it up and gives practical solutions has been "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life Paperback –  Margalis Fjelstad (Author). 

Good luck.