My ‘child’ is now a 36 year old man, I grieve for the lovely little boy l lost

[yougenie]

It’s so hard to reconcile the boy I raised with the man who expresses so much anger and attacks his family and self-sabotages again and again. Living with a sense of powerlessness is very challenging each day. It’s a lonely place to be and I guess I can gave comfort from knowing I’m not alone.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

You are definitely not alone.  I can very much relate.  My daughter is 34 and was my little sidekick growing up. She came with me everywhere and we had so much fun together.  For her to turn on her family like she has, distorting reality and inflicting rage filled rants upon us not to mention the character assassinations!  It’s broken me.  I think I need to admit that having a good relationship with her may just be a fantasy at this point.  She is only nice if she needs something from me now.

[yougenie]

Thank you for your response and I’m sad that you experience similar reactions from your daughter as I do from my son, both of whom are now in their mid-thirties. I use to think my son was just going through an extended arsy teenage phase but now they are approaching middle-age and it seems their behaviour can only be explained as a personality disorder, and that is certainly no consolation. I hope you don’t continue to see yourself as broken acheymum, but more that you are deeply hurt and missing the relationship you once had with your daughter. I hope you find the support you need.

[kady]

My son is 44. I have hoped for years that experience and various treatment programs and maturity would help him change. It hasn't. So now his father and I are grieving and accepting the fact that he has a mental illness, his life has been largely chaotic and likely will continue to be that way, at least much of the time. We will probably never have the kind of relationship with him that we had wanted, a relationship marked by respect, appreciation and trust without regular anger, denigration, manipulation and disappointment. It's a hard thing to accept this finally because we truly had always thought he would improve. Our story isn't everybody's story. I have talked to some parents whose adult offspring have improved. I haven't given up hope entirely but I'm trying to be realistic.

[yougenie]

I totally get that you are trying to be realistic Kady and at the same time not giving up hope. My main worry as one of mature years (albeit young at heart and active for my age) is the trajectory of seeing his life go from one crisis to another and I believe he will be worse without access to the support his dad and I offer whenever he needs it. I have to discipline myself to stay in the here and now and take each day a step at a time…otherwise I wouldn’t sleep or function.

[ChitChatCharley]

Mourning the loss of our children is so hard - I am doing the same right now, so I really feel for you.

(My daughter was born at 31 weeks, and spent 25 days in the NICU, so I like to say I've mourned so many versions of what I thought she would be than I can count.)