First Post

[NovaDawn]

Hello all I am seeking advice and perspective for navigating a breakup with a disordered partner with whom I have a child(3yo/g). I am familiar with personality disorders after much life experience and research. I'm also aware of my co-dependency as a result of my research. I am unsure as to how much background to provide here so please let me know of what is good to get into, I'm not shy or ashamed and willing to share, just don't want to ramble.

For the last year I thought I was successfully 'grey rocking' but recent events have shown that maybe I was a bit too grey. I've been aware of my partners disorder for sometime and have committed to doing everything I can so that our daughter experiences as little developmental trauma as is possible with a disordered mom. I've read recommendations to leave and provide sanctuary from it as opposed to staying and draining myself and risking my child associating me with her mother's abuse. The reason I've committed to try as hard as I can to maintain the family unit at least until our child reaches the age of reason, is rooted in her mother's history of her father leaving her with her bpd mom who then let her stepfather abuse and destroy her. Mom has a pattern of becoming 'stressy/overwhelmed' and bailing on responsibilities and interaction with our child, at which point I am there to be with her. My fear is that her new partner is who that would fall to in those moments (which are more often than not),  and likely under the onslaught himself will end up taking it out on my baby girl. The other reason is that the courts often favor the woman in custody proceedings and I'm well aware of her ability to charm and convince others that she is the victim (I fell for it too) and that the risk of losing a custody battle before the child can express her desires would be too much.

But just recently Mom has jumped to another lillypad as I like to put it. Cheated with her manager from work and abruptly initiated a significant relationship with him. Went from everything is fine to sleeping at his house more than ours quite literally overnight.
I am seeking advice on how to win custody, if it's even possible. I should add, that some have said that she is likely to let go if it comes to a custody battle, but I am unsure of that as she has shown many times that she will radically change behaviors to exhibit a 'proper face' when others are present or will observe.

I believe this came about as the result of her recent prescription ro Adderall. She has stimulant abuse issues as well and tried to get a script before. She has a psych evaluation and the doctor said she didn't have ADHD diagnosed her with GAD and depression, wouldn't perscribe her Adderall and instead recommended CBT. She switched GP's recently and the new GP gave her a script. She is also an alcoholic, and works at as a bartender and drinks after every shift, often heavily. Her behavior since being prescribed has been much more eradic.

We haven't discussed any next steps yet and I would appreciate any insight into how to navigate that conversation when it comes up. I have reached out to the one member of her family who I think understands mom's issues and asked for some type of intervention. She seems to understand but is reluctant to rock that boat as her own position in this complex family dynamic would likely suffer so I have no real support to garner from outside sources.

Any questions or more background please feel free to ask and thank you all in advance for any advice you may be able to provide.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi NovaDawn
I am not sure what jurisdiction you are in. Here the core criterion for ‘custody’ is ‘the best interests of the child’.

It is usually seen as in the best interests of the child to have a good relationship with both parents (unless there are risky circumstances) but the court will state where the child ‘resides’ and the routine of access by the non-resident parent.

In any application the court requires supporting evidence. It seems to me that if your partner is staying away many nights etc, there is good evidence for you to present as the more stable parent. But you need to look to evidence. Can you keep a diary of what is happening ie who is the present parent each day/what do they do for the child/any comments made in relation to parenting etc.

I think you would need to see if this pattern occurs over a considerable period of time. For example, if your partner’s new relationship fails in a short period of time, the court might see that as just a blip and not a pattern.

So I would be patient and document everything including what meds are used, any volatility, and your daughter’s responses to the events and changes that are happening.

Perhaps continuing to ‘greystone rock’ for a while is not a bad idea – that is, not to try to influence or communicate in relation to the situation, but rather to just see how thing unfold and document everything that is happening. When you thing the pattern is established and you have supporting evidence that you present as the more stable parent, then look to how to begin proceedings.

Keep in mind that medical evidence can be called- especially in relation to change of GP and prescriptions etc. Also need to look at how you present evidence of the alcohol use that you mention.

You cannot be sure how a parent will respond when faced with legal proceedings in relation to their child. Don’t presume one way or the other. Have good evidence that you present – just factual evidence, you don’t need to exaggerate at all – just things like ‘In the previous month xx has stayed at xx’s home on xx number of nights. (note whether you are told where she is going, how the child responds etc).

This is how I would tackle the situation if the aim is to eventually get custody of your child.