SURVEY | How do BPD relationships finally end?

[GreenMango]

BB12, Faithfull, and P&C

I'm realizing the "normal" way, or healthy, way a relationship ends seems to be a difficult thing to get in one of these relationships.

The recycling, the quasi-open doors are left open, and it's emotionally exhausting.

Reading all three of your comments each one of you identified what wasn't working for you.  You attempted to reconcile it, but the person wasn't willing.  You looking for a healthier way of interacting is a positive.

It sounds like you tried for healthy boundaries... .that is a good thing.

-GM

[bpdlover]

Well put GreenMango. The projection I got from my ex was "I should have ended this ages ago." Made sense to me.

[OneVoice]

It was my decision, I asked him to move out, but only after learning he had been cheating on me with two different women.  He was with one and when she didn't fit in his box, then she was painted black, same as the other and then me of coarse.  I realized thru time only been (4 months) that I am worth more than all this and I summoned up some courage from somewhere in my soul that I will not be treated less than I am.  So... .I asked him to move out, my decision, but felt I had no other choice.  I won't be second best or third best.  I desire a partner in which it's give and take, and no one is perfect.  What hurt the most I think is the silent treatment, in which I could never figure out "what I did"... .only thru this website and the support of a couple friends have i figured it out.  It's not about me, it was about dating a person with undiagnosed BPD.  He is now dating one of the girls he cheated one me with and I pray for her.

[GreenMango]

I I realized thru time only been (4 months) that I am worth more than all this and I summoned up some courage from somewhere in my soul that I will not be treated less than I am. 

Sounds like you faced some fears... .that is courageous.   

-GM

[bpdlover]

Fondness makes the heart grow absent for these people. You're right, it's not about you or me or anybody, just them. You made a great point about how if someone didn't fit into his/her box, they'd be painted black. That's how it was for me.

[BPDizzy]

Mine hacked into my iphone while I was asleep, accessed all my facebook conversations going back to way before we met, took screen prints of conversations and sent them to herself (nothing incriminating, just worked up over the fact that i still converse with my ex's), accessed my emails (forwarding certain ones to herself), jotted down phone numbers, etc.  She slammed the door to make sure I would awake to see her storm off back to her home town at 6 in the morning.

Later that evening in an angry drunken stupor, she contacted my ex's and friends via text, phone calls, and fb im's to tell them how bad of a boyfriend I was, what a loser i was and how i was envious of them.

This all happened this past wknd.  I'm just starting to get the fallout.  I believe I have had enough.

[Rise]

Dear lord I wish there was an easy answer here. Which time are we talking about? The very last time, we got in an argument on the phone about my helping her out (or not helping enough from her perspective), I really just lost all patience with the situation, and said "Okay, so we are over now, right?" She responded with "Yeah I guess we are." Does that count as me leaving her, or her leaving me? Or is that considered mutual? Seriously, if someone could actually explain to me what happened it would be appreciated.

[findingmyselfagain]

Basically, as I only recently found out, she had major panic attacks after our wedding shower. But it ended in the usual fashion, a weird break-up, just kind of trailing into absolute nothingness. This after me practically adopting her baby daughter as  my own, and her family practically adopting me. Spending months planning and paying for a wedding. Then... .poof! But could have ended up worse... .as in we could have married and divorced. I just don't see the girl as remotely healthy. I know that now.

[GreenMango]

I really just lost all patience with the situation, and said "Okay, so we are over now, right?" She responded with "Yeah I guess we are." Does that count as me leaving her, or her leaving me? Or is that considered mutual? Seriously, if someone could actually explain to me what happened it would be appreciated.

I often ask myself this same question.   I figured the BPD was my answer and the disorder ended it.  Ive come to accept there are few answers to this stuff.

[lurchlookalike]

Very very badly.

If you disagree, just wait and see.

[T. Moore]

I came home one night to find her in the house drinking with the replacement sitting next to her with my kids in their beds.  I knew that she had been seeing someone and already had a meeting with a PI and Lawyer set up for the next day.  She had already had my children around him saying to them that he was their "cousin".  She left with him that night and has been living with him since, only to come home and babysit the kids while I'm at work.

T.  Moore   

[talithacumi]

Mine SAYS I called him on his birthday while I was out of town working, ended it to be with someone I'd met where I was, made him promise to take care of everything/keep it a secret til I got back to tell everyone myself, met the girl of his dreams a week later at a party, and, when things didn't work out for me the way I wanted, I lied/told everyone HE':) been having an affair just get sympathy/make him look bad.

That he couldn't bring himself to even want to TRY to talk to me about the possibility of reconciling after what I':) done - and that he'd be moving out to be with someone who "really" loved him before I could get back and torture/abuse/guilt him into staying again.

Translation: I f**ked around on you while you were out of town, lied about it, got caught, and can't/don't want to take responsibility for my actions so I'm leaving, blaming you, and am going to throw myself so hard into this totally meaningless physical relationship I've started with a homeless, long-term alcoholic that I won't have any time, interest, or energy to think about you, our kids, the relationship/life we shared for the last 12 years EVER ... .

(well, at least until the alcoholic decides she doesn't want me, disappears with someone else for a week, throws me out in the middle of the night, falsely accuses me of domestic violence/gets me hauled off by the police, I need money/sex/sympathy/comfort/support, etc., etc., etc. ... .LOL!)

[OTH]

I just don't see the girl as remotely healthy. I know that now.

You really accept that when you quit going back to your ex for answers. When you accept they are ill and you have no control of their illness. The emotional connection dies down and you get control of your life again. You are on the right path. Keep going.

OTH

[Confuzzled104]

My uBPD ex gf of 3 years left me after I left her for cheating on me... .I basically got back with her after a month of her best attempts to get me back after the cheating thing... .I knew at this point I could no longer have a real relationship with her but I wanted to "ween her off" me so to speak... .basically giving her hints that we werent right together anymore, we wanted different things... .we both changed ... and eventually we got into another argument and low and behold it was all she wrote facebook she is single and I am a free man... . Happiest day of my life... .can you say born again 

Confuzzled

[Hope 4 a better day]

After too abusive raging outburst from her in in one week. I just said I am done and told her she had to go I bought her a plane ticket and she went back to her family. She left in 2 days and it took 4 additional months to get her stuff out of my home. After 7 weeks of requests to her as to how to get her things to her via e-mail and contact with a family member of hers. I packed it up and paid two months of storage for her and moved it all myself. She is with family many miles away.

In addition she refused to pay the 3rd months storage fees and I contacted a family member of hers and they arranged for the payment to be made as I would not pay any additional money for her

  I have had no phone contact with her I informed her from the start that if there was any nasty behavior I would cut off all ties including e-mail  which I did after several toxic phone messages and e-mails. She is calling my friends with distortions of the truth and trying to create problems for me. However I have maintained no contact even though I been so hurt from all of this and I am somewhat angry at her as well. I know she is just trying to get attention good or bad. I did not understand how that worked before. It is tough for me because her nice side is so wonderful but I know to be with her the pattern would go right back to about every 2 weeks her abusive raging at me and with her denying she has a problem and thus her not getting any help through therapy.There was no chance for a future with her. Just more pain!

Personally I have done 3 months of therapy since she has left and slowly my life is getting back to normal and I have learned a lot about taking better care of myself in the future. To describe my overall experience from this is I felt like I was being Emotionally Raped!   I can not stress enough how important the no contact rule has helped me!

[findingmyselfagain]

You're right, OTH. I'm getting there. The journey is different for all of us, it's mostly a matter of time. I see it more or a less as a VERY INTENSE lesson and wake-up call. A blessing in disguise. Thankfully there's always more future than there is past.

[soul]

I left my BPDGF of 17 years on valentines day. I invited her to dinner, and she could hardly be bothered to finish eating before she left. I knew she had already met someone. When she left, I gave her hug and watched her go. She had no idea that I would never see her again. I have been no contact for 18 months. She moved in with new guy within a month. Like 17 years meant nothing ... .

[dancinginthelight]

my ex BPD bf just sort of disappeared into the arms of another woman that hes been seeing since last year.

I feel so dumb. why did I not see the signs. Just before he disappeared he was declaring how much he loved me, my heart was safe with him etc.   He had been very controlling towards the end, sort of "passive aggressive" in the bedroom department.  he refused to be intimate with me.  The lack of physical intimacey and affection during the last 9 months left my confidence totally shattered.

[Seb]

My uexBPDgf left me after two arguments over the phone over the course of a week of not seeing each other. We were looking at places to live on Saturday, Monday we argued over the phone but made up. She told me she loved me in every possible way and that we were the loves of one another's lives... .the next day she drove to me after work and dumped me. She might as well have died, because the person I loved, my best friend, was suddenly gone. Loves of one another's lives tripped up over two silly non-arguments over the phone.

[Someone1]

Wondering how you left your BPD partners... or how did it end? What was "the last straw"... what finally made you realize now is the time to go? How did the breakup go?

[Bunky]

My pwBPD told me he wasn't ready for a relationship by phone message, after months of spending 24/7 together since day one, a long trip abroad together, and a month of detaching from me claiming he was in a deep depression. One month of honeymoon phase, one month of rage/anger/blame/depression/ confusion, one month of detachment/silence/ambiguity, and now its been a few weeks of him telling me   he cares for me, but can't be in a relationship right now and is moving far away soon. I've been NC now for 6 days... .sounds like nothing, but a month ago, that would have felt like a dagger in my chest. It hurts, but I'm glad he ended it so I can work on myself now and understand why the hell I would let someone treat me like that! Every day I'm starting to see more and more bad things about him that make me happy I'm out of that toxic cycle.

[diotima]

Well, at some point I knew I would not survive another recycle. I was with a serial cheater. He ran off with another woman while my mother was dying and that was the last straw. A month later he wanted me back and I reminded him when he was running off with the woman that I would not take him back next time. I guess he didn't believe me. He made a few attempts to reach me--the last one in May of this year. I did not respond to them. Once I decided that my mental health and well-being was my first order of business and that he was not going to change or accept responsibility, that was it. This is not to say it was easy. I spent months crying, but at this point I can't tell you how relieved I am to be out of that relationship.

What is on your mind? What is your last straw?

Diotima

[chadh41]

My uBPDw Filed for divorce after 3 counseling sessions, said you could do everything right in our relationship and I still wouldnt trust you. We reconciled 3 yrs ago after a 5 month separation. I asked her about the reconciliation and she said " I meant the feelings then, not now" We would have been married 21 yrs Aug 31 2012. It's extremely painful, but realizing I'm going to be much healthier from here on out.

[ConfusedMichael]

I must admit I was a little surprised to see the results so far. Simply from reading of the boards I had actually thought I was in a minority of people who's relationship had ended entirely at the decision of their pwBPD. Genuinely didn't expect to see it was the most common outcome, and by a significant margin. But in hindsight, when I think about how many of us still struggle with strong feelings for our exs long afterwards, I shouldn't really be surprised that in many cases we don't cut the cord ourselves.

In my own specific case, if when my ex had told me of the cheating and lies she had been remorseful and tearful instead of cold and emotionless, I probably still wouldn't have ended it. She could have done almost anything. If she wanted forgiveness afterwards and wanted to rescue our relationship, I would have still facilitated that.

I guess this poll will end up saying as much about us nons as it does about our pwBPD.

[Bunky]

My exBPDbf ended things in a voicemail after a month of distance saying he was confused about life coming back from a month trip abroad we took together where his raging and manic depressive modes really came out. He never explained to me what happened. He just said he wasn't ready for a r/s even though we were alrEady in one and spent every single day together for 3 months straight... .I threatened to leave a few times when he started raging, but I never did and told him I loved him and would support him through his illness.

[karalani]

We recycled the relationship numerous times. Each time I thought it wanted it to be over, only to be sucked back in. The bad times had always been directed at me. But this last time, and I do mean LAST. He directed the venom at my children (S10, D11) The criticism was unjustified and damaging. It had to stop. When I told him it was over he made the mistake of getting physical with my D18. I saw the look of terror in her eyes and that was it! No more! I could not let her come to the conclusion that this was normal. Btw they were NOT his children, thankfully we did not have any. We were together 3 years, married for 1. He is gone now and I pray he stays gone. If he shows up there is now a warrant for him and I WILL call the police to enforce it. I pray he never does.

[healingmyheart]

Was together with my ex BPD for just over 2 years.  My ex was having emotional affairs and I confirmed via phone records that it was going on.  He denied the affairs even with evidence.  Plus, he was being verbally abusive towards my child at the end and that was truly the wake up call along with the affairs.

He seemed to justify his affairs and twisted the truth to all his friends to make me look like the bad guy.  Whatever chance we had of getting back together was lost at that point.  Plus, I finally got online and discovered that BPD was the culprit and there was no hope esp. since he would be in denial that he even has a problem.   

He did "apologize" at the end and felt that since i didn't accept his apology, this is all "my fault".  If I really believed he felt remorse and could fix his problem, I would have taken him back but I think we all know the reality.  Enough already... .

[Mightyhammers]

Wondering how you left your BPD partners... or how did it end? What was "the last straw"... what finally made you realize now is the time to go? How did the breakup go?

She finished with me - she actually said 'the last straw for her was listing all the things wrong with her' ( self esteem issues etc ), I didnt list them as things wrong at all, just things I understood about her, but obviously she took it as an attack - any excuse from her to start an argument and she would go into it head first

[abiteoftheapple]

Hello,

I had a three year relationship with an NPD that ended with me moving out of her house 7 weeks ago but I must say that while I am confused about many things I have been recently thinking about who left whom. 

Some background: The exGF has diagnosed NPD/BPD and the honeymoon period was fairly long (2.5 years, and just as with many of you, this period was the best relationship I have ever had... .  and I'm in my 50's!).  The devaluation started and I heard the "I'm broken" "I have no feelings" "I can't feel anything" phrases multiple times.  She was not terribly mean but was clearly withdrawing even as we went on trips and could have considerable fun together.  Around November she said that she "needed time to reflect" and we went to a couples therapist (one that she had seen previously with her exH-I set it up).  At that meeting she was doing all kinds of projecting and acting but luckily the therapist (who I have been going to subsequently) knew her and recognized these behaviors.  We agreed to have limited contact which was quite difficult for me.  We did meet for dinner several times and went on a trip together as "friends" and subsequently got back together just before Christmas.  Christmas/New Years was outstanding and we agreed that I would formally move into her place.  I moved in and things were great for about a month and then started to go downhill again.  Less phone calls and texts during the day, less interaction in the evening.  I asked her several times if she loved me and got no response.  Then I would ask if she liked me, then if she was repulsed by me.  All met with no response.  Finally, there was a change (some family members who had been staying with us for 2 months left) and she told me that I deserved better.  I had planned a couples therapy session for the next week but she texted me that I should probably just take what I clothes I needed for the weekend and stay at my house and that she would see me at the therapy session the next week.  I decided while in my bed that night that I should move out.  The next day I got help from some friends with trucks and moved everything out of her house.  I left a note saying that I cancelled the therapy session.  I subsequently texted her and then emailed her twice.  She has never responded to either texts or emails.  My final email was about a month ago and was a kind of goodbye/therapy letter for me.  So, she has been no contact with me since I moved out and my sense was that she was going to ask me to leave in the comfort of the therapy session, but I left first. 

The question:  Just like many who require a long time to understand what happened in their relationship with an NPD/BPD partner I am trying to come to grips with this horrendous end to a relationship that I thought was to be my last.  I am older, as is she, and I never thought someone our age would be stuck in emotional childhood.  I have been very lucky- I have never had a relationship end and not been friends with an ex-partner but this is dramatically different.  No contact, no post mortem, nothing to allow closure.  Does it matter who left who?  I'm not sure it is helping me to think that I left her (intellectually I may say that I got out for my sanity but I also may say that I abandoned someone I loved).  Does it help the NPD/BPD suffering person?   

[mitchell16]

I feel for you, since im in the same boat. Im not sure that it really matters who leaves who. I know the one time I left my exBPDgf it sent her into fits. She was despaerate to get me back. Since that was the norm and I gues that time I didnt play the way I supposed. The game went, she was start with drawing, i started clinging, she pushed harder, i chased harder, she would break up and say she couldnt do it anymore. 3 weeks later she would start contact and then we start all over. The one time I did the breaking up it sent her into orbit. Never saw her act that way. This time she did teh breaking up and I went NC. since then about every 3 weeks, she shows up at my work where I have to see her, or I get a random text from her. Last contact was about 3 days ago I get a random tetx wishing me well. I didnt respond. Havent heard from her since. I heard all teh things of " Im broken and you cant fix me" or " you dervee better then me" but I cant say it really matters who leaves who.