What if the pw/ BPD recovered tomorrow?

[evien]

I can't imagine BPsis recovering, she's allergic to both hard work and accountability. But if she did... .My daughter and my DH and I could have Tgiving and Xmas with the family! Other than that, not much would change- I wouldn't be interested in having a personal relationship with her outside the 2X/yr the whole family gets together. I don't even think I would or could return my relationships with youngest sis and my parents to what they were before Hurricane BP blew through... .just too much damage and loss of trust. Mostly due to the nature of BPsis' "crimes"; if she slept around or drank or stole cars I might be able to put it all behind us, but child abuse, to me, crosses a boundary that can never be erased. I can't ethically justify being around a child abuser if I have any choice. Maybe that's just me.

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[pef]

If my daughter recovered tomorrow?  I would thank God over and over and over again.  I would smile again.  I would laugh again.  I could stop holding my breath.    I could look her in those beautiful blue eyes and know that she wasn't go to "go off".  She could have a normal relationship with a boy.  To be able to trust her and communicate with her on a normal, adult level would be a blessing from God.  To know that one day we could sit down and plan her wedding and enjoy it - not dread the day when she comes to us and says she is getting married.  We could have a family holiday or birthday without it turning into a disaster.  I could stop going to therapy.

If my daughter recovered tomorrow?  We would love each other and we could do things together and I would no longer envy my friends who have wonderful relationships with their daughters because I would have that also.

I will continue to pray and Thank God for those who do try to understand.

[NewWife2BPin04]

If my uBPH recovered tomorrow (& I'll assume for the sake of this hypothetical that he'd also be healed of his dysthymia, NP style, being alcoholic, codependent, & type 2 controller!)... .I'd be so happy for him! I don't believe for a minute that he has any hope of really being the person he's been put on this earth to be nor do I believe he can really love/receive love while he is this ill. Maybe he'd want to go to marriage counseling then so we could save/restore our marriage whereas now he has no interest in such & keeps threatening divorce. But - all this said - I realize he may indeed then be a different person than who he was (or probably more accurately who he portrayed himself to be) during our courtship, so I hope we'd still actually want to fall in love w/ each other again.

Can't hurt to dream, can it?

[Southerngal]

What a thought provoking question! 

If my BPsd was cured tomorrow, I would be overjoyed.  Our whole family would change. 

My husband would no longer go through the bouts of depression triggered by her rages and crises, his blood pressure would not be nearly so problematic and he could most likely stop taking antidepressants, which he secretly calls his “hit__ medicine”.  (Fill in the blank with her name.)

My wonderful stepson would agree to spend time around her.  He distanced himself from her a few years ago, when he was in his early 20s.  It was a very healthy thing for him to do.  His fiancé would feel much less nervous about their upcoming wedding, as she knows that BPsd will do whatever it takes to be the center of attention and is terrified of what she might do at the wedding for attention.

Her grandparents would be much happier, and healthier.  The stress that she places on them and the way she treats them have caused them to have stress related health problems.  At times, their doctor has forbidden them to see her, but they love her so much that they cant stand it.  They are very much aware of her problems, but cant stop trying to fix them.  (As their daughter, BPsds mother, is deceased, they have a very strong desire to see her well.)

I would feel like someone lifted a large building off of me.  My marriage would be so much better, as hubby wouldnt feel like he was stuck in the middle with his heart being torn to shreds.  He cannot face her problems and sees things the way he wishes they were instead of the way they are.  Im the one stuck pulling his head out of the sand at times … when things are to the point that they simply cannot be ignored by him anymore.  Obviously, this places great stresses on our marriage.

I would consent to spend time around her, and actually enjoy it!  Due to the way she has consistently treated me for many years, now that she is out of the house for good, I will not spend extended periods of time around her.  I have been very upfront about this, and if her behavior changes then she is welcome to be around.

Holidays would be so much nicer!  As it is now, everyone is tense, just waiting to see what sort of fit she will pitch to get everyones attention.  One year she came for Christmas, laid down on the floor in the middle of the room and went to sleep … yelling at anyone who talked loudly and woke her (there were 20 people there) until she finally stormed out of the house and left.

All in all, our family would be able to spend really happy times together.  For so many years, all of our family times remind me of a song played on a piano that is badly out of tune.  Some notes sound beautiful, but there are always the clunker off key notes that make everyone cringe. 

Im sure that without realizing it, all families dealing with a BP get to the point that the stresses and strains become an integral part of their lives.  If this part was removed, I would think there would be some unpredicted adjustments to be made … sort of like living near a noisy airport and then moving to the country and being uncomfortable with the silence at first.  When you are used to being defensive, it is hard to change.  But, I would think these changes would be made by most with little problem.

For me, it would take some time to be able to trust that BPsd had really changed.  The longest I have ever seen her maintain any attempt at positive change is 2 months … then she blows.  Even during those 2 months she had mild rages, etc, but no major crises affecting the entire family.  I think it would take a good 6 months with no raging, manipulation, lies or crises for me to begin to trust the change.

I love this topic.  It is the stuff that daydreams are made of!

Southern Gal

[Sumtin]

If Mother were to recover she'd be a complete stranger to me because I have no idea who she is. She'd be a complete stranger to herself as well. Does this mean she'd have to start life over from say about the age of four? Because that's where she is mentally most days. Every life experience she has ever had has been through BPD eyes and ears. It's affected every relationship, every goal, every conversation, every everything she's ever experienced. I just imagine a suddenly cured Mother would be as emotionally, physically and mentally raw as a toddler who is taking their first steps and speaking their first words.

Also, would she have any memory of all the things she did and said over the years? Could she recognize her role in the broken relationships in my family? Would she be able to accept accountability and responsibility and make true amends for the abuse she handed out? Would she be sorry? Would she begin to experience empathy, humility, self awareness, a sense of humor? I just can't imagine her this way. There's no frame of reference. There's little to no glimpse of normalcy in my Mother that is free of manipulation, lies, shame and guilt.

While it would be nice to have a 'normal' mother for a change I'm not sure I could get over the pain and hurt she put me through over the years. I don't think I could trust that she was truly cured.

[LavenderMoon]

i have always felt, as a child & all of my adult life, i am 56, that even if my mother, father & sister, had changed when i grew up, that it was still too late.

the damage was done & irraparable.  i had absolutley no interest in them, did not like them, & adamantly never wanted to see them again in my life.

but, it it had ever been over, i could have had a relationship with my other 3 sisters.  they would have had an opportunity to know me.  i am a ficticious character to all of them, due to all of their insane lies.

i have four sisters, one time i adored 3 of them, but, they were part of the pack.

bp is about loss, there were no changes, & now it is far too late.

[samantha!]

I agree with many others.

The damage is done and unrepairable.

Even two years ago, I dreamt that my BPDmother would be death and I could have a relation with my father. Now if she would be death or healed, I would not care, I would not change anything.

My BPDmother does not mean anything to me in a very long time. From my father I had to say good-bye this year. They are out of my life. I do not care anymore.

But this is similar to other relations I had in life. People behaved badly towards me and I suffered and was sad and after some time I realized and mostly it was too late.

You have to apologize in a limited period after you have damaged a person. If that does not come, mostly the relations are over.

Sam

[SunkenShip]

My answer would have to be that if they recovered tomorrow I would do exactly what I wanted to today.

The difference would be that it would be appreciated and supported by them.

Right now, everything is threatening so any action causes my spouse pain.

I would love to just talk to my spouse. Just to enjoy the look on their face knowing they

see me as someone they can appreciate and confide in.

I would love the feelings that I didn't have to hide everything that might suggest I have a life

outside of our marriage, or carefully choosing every word to try not to upset them.

I would just hold them. Just to be in a caring and accepting embrace. I would never want to let go.

God it would feel so good to live again. It would feel so good.

[Samuell]

Opened a can of worms with this one.

Half me says I'd be so happy I'd burst. I'd never leave her side and I'd learn to trust again and stop detatching all the time.

The other half would convince me she'd be safe to leave my kids with and I could just get my own life back, wish her all the best and move on.

I pray for the day. I feel immense pity for her situation and wish to God she'd see the world as I do. It isn't half as terrifying as she thinks it is. Unless you're married to a borderline, that is!

[Love the man hate the BP]

Wow... .what a topic!  What I would do, and what would happen as a result of recovery, as two very different things.  As a secondary non, I would  marry my SO, the love of my life.  While there is breath in her body, I will not expose myself to that, nor does he want me to. 

And I do believe that even if she did recover, which is virtually impossible to even contemplate, the damage that has been done is so deep, and so pervasive that it really wouldn't matter.  The damage has been inflicted, and the scars are always going to be there... .for all of us, but mostly for my SO's 10 y/o son. 

[pizaluvr]

Randi,

I don't know myself anymore so I don't know what I would do.

I want her to recover so she can see what she put me through, no more, no less.


pizaluvr

[Emy]

It's a sickness and a disease. They are not evil or posessed. They are sick.

If he was cured I would marry him, love and cherish him to the end of my life and then some. I could let go of the trust issues that all of this has created because this is a disease and if he was 100% cured (a miracle, no doubt) then I could believe and open my heart again like it was in the beginning. I love him for his good qualities which would only be that much stronger once the corrupted negative thought patterns were gone. I would be able to witness the love of my life blossom out into an incredible person. I would be able to grow with him and nothing would be able to stop us. Despite everything I have been through with this, I still believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe. It's what keeps me going.

The hard reality of the situation is that there is no 100% cure for this disease. And without a 100% cure, there would be trust issues that would be very difficult to repair. That love also involves love of oneself. No matter what spiritual beliefs you have, the creator of this life we have has given each of us a gift. If you do not make good use of this gift, do you think the creator is going to feel like giving you more gifts that you are not going to appreciate? I'm stubborn and don't want to give up on the situation, but realize that there is no "cure". If there was, I would probably be one of the happiest people on earth.

Emy

[Shopowner]

If she did recover, who would she be?  The person I knew was fictional. I hope she recovers and that any one with BPD will recover also.  I have moved on and would not go back to the relationship.

[95685dad]

To me, there is nothing positive to think about the "what if(s)?".  It would almost be the same as "what if I found a million dollars?", "what if I found Alladin's lamp?" ... ."what if I did something different, would I be in the mess that I am with my ex wife that may or may not be BPD?"

If my possible BPD ex wife recovered tomorrow, it would have to be as if the other "evil twin" never existed otherwise I would still be walking on eggshells the rest of my life.

[Mount Si]

At this point I would welcome her recovery and wish her well on the rest of her life.  Whatever I thought we once had is gone and I'm just as happy for it to be gone.  It's tiring to spend great chunks of your life remembering what never was and convincing yourself that what never was, was great. 

Mount Si

[LAnn]

If he truly recovered tomorrow, I would congratulate him and compliment him for the achievement.  I would acknowledge him for a challenge not only well met, but also unique and rare.   Wish him blessings and God speed.

[saki]

In my experience, there's no cure for this disease. For the sake of argument and this discussion, were a miracle to occur and a cure be found some time in the future, it wouldn't make one darn bit of difference. I just don't care anymore, and I've gone on with my life. I don't wish the person harm, just gone from my life forever. I'm done with that relationship, and nothing will bring me back.

[whoeveruwantme2b]

Just reading the question made me cry.

I would be so happy!

[Wellby]

Randi,

It was so many years that I lived with a wife with BPD, that I don't know who I am anymore.  I'm definatley not in love with her, and if she was suddenly miraculously healed, I don't think I would want to get back with her.  Just too many bad memories.  The trust is gone, and I would never know if she was truly healed or just having a good day. 

Wellby

[SeenTheLightat24]

Randi,

I discussed this with my psychologist. She warned me that this disorder is almost impossible to cure, especially when the person reaches a certain age. I had been dealing with this for over 24 years with my BPDW. I must admit there were many good times and I did love her very much (still do but from afar). Our love life was incredible, even after so many years. Still-

Even if by some miracle she were "cured" I feel we would fall into the same old relationship patterns. I don't know if she would accept me if I 'Stopped Walking on Eggshells'. If she were still deeply emotionally involved (in love) with me, I truly feel she would become "uncured" and fall into the same behaviors.

Finally, there is so much baggage to deal with, that we probably could not start fresh. I just pray that she will recognize her problem, deal with it professionally, and find someone else that she can start fresh with.

[Rural_Problems]

I had to rethink my position based on other comments.  It'd take a while to earn back my trust (unless I was in on the secret that she was cured).  But I guess if I knew it was true, it'd be "happy time" for me.  Could I forgive everything she's done to me for the last 9 years?   The first 9 were OK.  Yeah, I guess I could (but like stated earlier - only if I knew she was "cured".

[jreilly]

Interesting question but it makes too many assumptions.  Recovery most always assumes that the person "in recovery" changes in exactly the way you want them to; for the reasons you want them to; and that the new changes have no attached negative baggage that doesn't guarantee your wished for outcomes.  I've got almost 40 years of experience in social service field that dictates this doesn't happen in the real world.  Oh we hear about it, but is it real?  Only if the person outside the recovery process accepts everything can only be absolutely what the recovered person says it is and if the outsider never evolve one inch themselves during the other's recovery process.  That's always the catch: No one changes for us.  They change for themselves or to keep us attached to them. The process of change is just that, a process.  It is not a static event.  Everyone has to be part of the process and with BPs that means living in hell waiting for something to happen.  When you're outside of the BP realm you are out of the process.  If you go back you're enmeshed in it.  There is not a middle state where you can remove yourself from the chaos, sit on the sidelines and then magically return into some healed state with the BP who has had no contact with you for God knows how long.     

Sorry for the bucket of cold water. If I heard that my ex was "recovered" I would run like hell in the other direction. 

[been there]

   I wish it would have been that easy. Unfortunately, it was a long road filled with hard work, heart ache, and frustration.

   Recovery from BPD is possible, but in order to continue in a relationship, there has to be growth and dealing with issues both seperately and together, as the non in the relationship has their own issues to deal with. Then the relationship needs to be worked on together.

   As far as the BP becomming who we want or expect them to be, is totally different than real recovery. No different than us nons growing and maturing, dealing with ourselves. It's not that they become totally different people, but from my expierence, it is the same person but who is in control of their emotions and thoughts, acting and reacting in a positive and healthy manner, but definately not perfect.

   Mark

[Kathy]

The BPD person in my life is my child, now a young adult.  If she were miraculously cured, I would rejoice.  I would be incredibly grateful--for her sake and for the sake of the rest of the family members.  I wouldn't feel this undercurrent of worry all the time.  I wouldn't endure verbal abuse and constant accusations.  I wouldn't feel guilty when I don't handle things the right way.  Her siblings wouldn't be so affected by her illness and could spend time with her without wondering when she was going to blow up at them or go into hysteria.  I would have some confidence that she could parent the baby she is carrying. 

I don't think I'd let her live with me, though.  For a long time, I'd still be fearful that we'd be back where we started.

Also, if she miraculously were cured, I don't know who she would be.  She's lived with this illness all her life, so she's never had a chance to think correctly about situations, or practice flexibility, or develop the skills she needs to have a successful life.  Her whole personality is caught up in depression, anxiety, anger, and immaturity.  She'd literally have to start all over building a healthy personality. 

This question left me sad because it reinforces how impossible the situation seems.  I can't even imagine how getting to full recovery would work.

Kathy

[NonBPDDaddy]

I would send a nice flower arrangement.  Obviously she is dead.

[bored_office_dude]

I'd sit her down and pour out 13 years of pain and hurt. Just so she understood what we'd been through. What she'd put my kids and I through. This would be the best therapy for me I believe, but sadly, it ain't ever gonna happen.

Oh, and I'd make sure she went out to work, paid her own debts, hell, paid some of mine and well... .you get the picture...

But how about this question Randi, would our recovered BPD's want to be with us... .?

Best wishes to all... .my update coming soon... .!

BOD

[LDL]

Still sleep with one eye open and one eye shut.  It would scare me.

[jr]

Well, in time-frames relative to those spoken of in Genesis (the world created in 7 days... .what is a 'day' in God-terms? - 24 hours? ... .24 million years?), our daughter has shown a great deal of recovery. Almost enough to warrant me wondering if she really has/had BPD in a clinical sense!

The past 18 months we have proceeded with caution - my husband and me; so has Daughter. Our other two younger girls also exhibited their own style of caution, but allowed the joy at having their big sister 'back' boost their innocent love and acceptance. It has been something to observe, with fear and reality-checks for them, but also with wonder.

We have ignored the few family members' exclamations of "It's a miracle!"... .us knowing that there was little divine intervention - at least not without a lot of mortal diligence, a certain amount of letting go, a whole bunch of hoeing the toughest row any of us have ever conceived of (including bpDaughter), a constant spark of hope, and the learning experience only those who live it could ever believe. I think we all find gold in small moments and comments now... .

The hurt and bitterness cultivated over past years' events still pops up in our minds and psyche - how could it not?, but we are hopeful enough about the 'new beginning' that we try to remain cognizant of what we want to accomplish here on out rather than insisting upon making amends for anybody's past choices and the detrimental tangible results and negative feelings borne of them.

Daughter and I have only touched on some of the horrible things and results our family has endured due to her BP'ish behavior and actions. A part of me craves wanting her to be aware of the extent of the part of our nightmare she was oblivious to because she only started the fires, she didn't stick around to witness the ashes, y'know? But I easily resist this compulsion because I see in her eyes and hear in her silence the limits to what she can take responsibility for, especially right now. Her plate is full as she moves forward as a 20 y/o single mom, starting a new career as a medical assistant with plans for psychiatric nursing, dealing with a very BPbio-mom whom she lives with for now, not to mention her baby's irresponsible father, and... .the past as she experiences/d it.

When I try to explain it to those who have stuck by us and cared and hurt right along with us while we floundered, I say I don't know what-the-hell I'm doing, but I'm doing what feels 'right' to me... .I guess I finally can kind of relate in some small way to the ['nother biblical reference] fable of the Prodigal son. I'm doing what a parent does - offering love, and continuing to be available in a supportive sense, but not putting my whole self out there to be run over... .communicating in small bites, testing waters for stability or emotional rawness, trying to remember that Daughter has been handicapped... .Her actions and intentions have been impulsive, her reasoning hampered by an emotional pain I can understand, if not totally empathize with... .I can find some balance when I think of making sure our other kids' emotional welfare is safe.

It's a slow process; one that I sense cannot be hurried. I am not exactly at it's mercy, but have grown to realize that I cannot control everything and will have to be a more knowledgable, stronger yet flexible passenger on this journey of which I am only a part, not the whole enchilada.

~ jr

[Jade'sgrandma01]

This is so wonderful.  Dreaming about how our life would change, I thank you for this opportunity to vission our life.

I and my husband would no longer have to pray & wonder:

             

a.  If our daughter was going to commit suicide again

b.  If our daughter would hurt or kill the baby our new grandaughter

c.  If our daughter was going to call with a desperate need for money and another outragious traumatic drama event

d.  If our daughter would hurt me physically, emotionally and legally (try and put me in jail or her dad)

e.  If our daughter was living on the street

f.  If our grandaughter was living on the street

g.  If our daughter has hurt or killed her boyfriend of the day

h.  If our daughter is on Meth again

i.   If our daughter has ran to another state with our grandchild

j.   If our daughter could not physicallys, verbally and emotionally destroy everyone and everything she touches

k.   If our daughter would live to be 30

l.    If the police were going to call again

m.  If CPS was going to call again

n.   Where are baby infant grandaughter is now

o.   If our daughter is laying in her bed unable to get out and our grandaughter is laying in her crib needing love

p.  If Christmas with the family would be fun and not an emotional screaming episode

q.  If Birthdays, Thanksgiving, camping etc. would be fun and not a screaming, bawling episode.

r.  If our daughter could keep a job

s.  If our daughter could care about anyone except herself

Well it was a wonderful dream and prayer!

[famsue]

I know it may be hard, but the only thing you should pray and wonder about is your grandaughter. Your daughter has to fix her life herself. The top most important items in this list are B,F,I,N,O. Baby, Baby, Baby. You have done right by your daughter. Now your grandaughter needs you.  :'( You love your daughter, but she needs to love you back. She can do that by loving her daughter as much as you seem to love yours. She has to seek and complete help.

God Bless