Just venting/forming thoughts

[BlueNavigator]

Not sure why it's hard to make a post, but it has been. I've been stressed and unhappy in my marriage recently. Pfft, who am I kidding? We've been married 11 years, two kids, wife was diagnosed with BPD right after the youngest was born four years ago, but of course the symptoms have *always* been there.

She's been angry all the time recently. At me. At the children, the world. I can watch the kids all day on my day off so she can get a break, but it doesn't make a difference; she's back to yelling and insulting within two minutes of us getting back together. I see so many people on here say their BPD wife is a good mother but a bad spouse, and honestly, I'm envious because we all get the bad stuff.

My 7-year-old son told me his number one wish is to have a mom who is not so angry.

I was on this forum three years ago deciding if I should stay or go, and ultimately made the decision to stay as I felt it would be best for the kids. She did DBT twice, and it was helpful, but now she's not practicing the skills anymore, even though we still have her workbook (I've been reading it, it's great). Yes, I've talked to her about it.

I don't know what I'm asking, I should probably be on the other forum, I'm just venting or prepping to make a real post, I guess. Divorcing doesn't seem like an option right now, but it could be in a few more years.

After her diagnosis, I read SWOE and made some posts here. I got some great advice to not buy a house or have any more kids, and have done that, but I'm now 33 and honestly want to have more kids and want to buy a house, but I'm not sure I want to do it with her. So yeah, conflicted.

[ForeverDad]

I see so many people on here say their BPD wife is a good mother but a bad spouse, and honestly, I'm envious because we all get the bad stuff.

I've been here for nearly two decades (!) and I can assure you that it is newcomers recently arrived who imagine their spouses are both good parents and bad spouses.  They quickly get educated and learn that impression is a downside of the disorder.  They're not good parents if they can't be reasonably normal spouses.  (The walls have ears, as the saying goes.  The kids know.)

My 7-year-old son told me his number one wish is to have a mom who is not so angry.

There's something about having a child that makes the disordered perceptions and behaviors worse.  Maybe it's that the obligation to the relationship becomes stronger?  Maybe the triggers multiply and become more evident?  Both and more?

BPD "FOG" = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

I'm now 33 and honestly want to have more kids and want to buy a house, but I'm not sure I want to do it with her. So yeah, conflicted.

Having more children won't make life for your spouse or with your spouse any better.

Buying a house will make a future decision to cut your losses that much more difficult and complicated.

Though I'm a strong advocate for marriage, I'm even more so for a reasonably healthy and functional marriage.  If not for one's self, then for the example being set for the children.

[PeteWitsend]

...

After her diagnosis, I read SWOE and made some posts here. I got some great advice to not buy a house or have any more kids, and have done that, but I'm now 33 and honestly want to have more kids and want to buy a house, but I'm not sure I want to do it with her. So yeah, conflicted.

Get as much information as you can about what life would be like if you divorce and if you don't. 

I think it's reasonable to assume things will at least be as bad as they are now if you remain married, and could only get worse; they will not get better on their own. 

I recall discussions here about BPD possibly lessening over time, as people get less emotional over time, or at least the emotional fluctuations get less severe.  I don't know if that's true.  There are plenty of stories here from older posters (post age 60 or so) of these problems continuing into old age, and then facing added complications of having to cope with health problems related to aging, on top of the BPD.  So "toughing it out" in hopes of improvement over time is a bad bet. 

It might be helpful to pay a local attorney for an hour consultation to understand how things would go if you do divorce, in terms of custody, child support, alimony, etc.  Of course, things could get nasty and divorce is never pleasant,  but at least then you'd be able to weigh your options better. 

Do not fall for any "free consultation"... you get what you pay for, and legal advice is no different.  If you find the attorney you're meeting with is pushing you to file, get an opinion from another. 

[ForeverDad]

I think it's reasonable to assume things will at least be as bad as they are now if you remain married, and could only get worse; they will not get better on their own. 

I recall discussions here about BPD possibly lessening over time, as people get less emotional over time, or at least the emotional fluctuations get less severe.  I don't know if that's true.  There are plenty of stories here from older posters (post age 60 or so) of these problems continuing into old age, and then facing added complications of having to cope with health problems related to aging, on top of the BPD.  So "toughing it out" in hopes of improvement over time is a bad bet.

I've always wondered about that hearsay that the disorder lessens over time is because eventually the children are grown and gone.  My marriage failed, or at least much sooner, because we had a child.  Her biggest childhood trauma was with her stepfather and so when we had a child I morphed in her perceptions from husband to father.