14. Stop Walking on Eggshells - Paul T. Mason MS

[Mystic]

I've read all the books I could get my hands on since my ex and I split.  First I looked into domestic violence, which led me to verbal and emotional abuse, which let me to read about anger and control, which let me to look into BPD.  So many indicators were verbatim to things I'd experienced here with him.  

I've read and read, agonizing thinking if I'd only done this or that, but it all just seems *exhausting* trying to accommodate a high maintenance, changeable, difficult, impulsive and explosive person.  Good heavens I want to be happy... .not involved in a daily emotional chess game where my natural and relatively normal responses have to be examined, controlled and contrived in order to keep peace and bring about a desired outcome.  

I need to be able to be *me*, to be able to be spontaneous, to be myself in a relationship that's emotionally safe for me with a person I can trust when I'm at my best and maybe not at my best.  I need to be able to be human, I need to have my feelings considered and cared for.  I need to not live a life worrying about how I may interact with someone I love just to keep peace.  

Eggshells, thin ice, a minefield... .it's all the same... .always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always being concerned about reading the mood, and how to respond.  Always one sided, always all about them.  

I've been doing that since I was a child.  Hypersensitive to the moods, needs and vacillations of others.  My father was an alcoholic, and when I was a little girl I'd dash to kiss him when he came home.  As I kissed him, I'd smell his breath... .and then I'd know if it would be a safe night or a bad night.  Sad reason for a 6 year old to kiss daddy.  Then of course, I wound up married to a violent alcoholic for 15 years.  And then years later along comes Mr. Jekyll/Hyde.  I swear they have a bloodhound's nose for me, or I for them.    I'm bone weary of walking on eggshells, living at the behest of someone else's mood.  Enough already.  It's time for someone who's good and kind, decent and honorable, someone who's not nuts. 

I'm sad that all the wonderful things that I believed were possible for me and my ex are now dust in the wind, but I don't miss the reality of what was.  Let someone else wear themselves out trying to accommodate one who cannot be accommodated.  

[Fubar]

I've read all the books I could get my hands on since my ex and I split.  First I looked into domestic violence, which led me to verbal and emotional abuse, which let me to read about anger and control, which let me to look into BPD.  So many indicators were verbatim to things I'd experienced here with him.  

I've read and read, agonizing thinking if I'd only done this or that, but it all just seems *exhausting* trying to accommodate a high maintenance, changeable, difficult, impulsive and explosive person.  Good heavens I want to be happy... .not involved in a daily emotional chess game where my natural and relatively normal responses have to be examined, controlled and contrived in order to keep peace and bring about a desired outcome.  

I need to be able to be *me*, to be able to be spontaneous, to be myself in a relationship that's emotionally safe for me with a person I can trust when I'm at my best and maybe not at my best.  I need to be able to be human, I need to have my feelings considered and cared for.  I need to not live a life worrying about how I may interact with someone I love just to keep peace.  

Eggshells, thin ice, a minefield... .it's all the same... .always waiting for the other shoe to drop, always being concerned about reading the mood, and how to respond.  Always one sided, always all about them. 

I've been doing that since I was a child.  Hypersensitive to the moods, needs and vacillations of others.  My father was an alcoholic, and when I was a little girl I'd dash to kiss him when he came home.  As I kissed him, I'd smell his breath... .and then I'd know if it would be a safe night or a bad night.  Sad reason for a 6 year old to kiss daddy.  I'm bone weary of walking on eggshells, living at the behest of someone else's mood.  

I'm sad that all the wonderful things that I believed were possible for me and my ex are now dust in the wind, but I don't miss the reality of what was.  Let someone else wear themselves out trying to accommodate one who cannot be accommodated.  

xoxox

[brenbabe]

I love the book. It opened my eyes to many of my past relationships and my role in them. Not just relating to people with BPD, but others too. The book helped me learn I can say no to intolerable behavior. I dont haveto scream yell and fight with anyone. I also dont haveto sit back and take that behavior from someone else. I am learning to be in control of myself and I love that. It feels very liberating to be able to be free and make healthy choices, not letting anyones problems and behavior manipulate me. Dont get me wrong its a process, it takes one day at a time, sometimes one moment at a time.this book was the catylist for my change for sure.

I was angry when I read the book too, among alot of other feelings. Angry that I had walked on eggshells for so many years . Angry at myself, angry at my BPDSO that I had just left. Angry that the dreams I had for a family with my exso would never be possible. Ive learned Anger is a great motivator for me. When Im angry I take that and use it as fuel to make positive change. Doesnt haveto be big changes, small ones count too. Doing things for myself, improving me, taking care of me.

[innerspirit]

We're taught from childhood to have respect and compassion for those affected by illness.  It would be inhumane to be angry at someone who is suffering.

But people in wheelchairs don't use their wheelchairs to attack others.  People with infectious diseases don't go out of their way to project or spread the toxins around.

And for those of who are taught to be peacekeepers, maybe we're BPD/NPD magnets because they hone in on our difficulties with setting and maintaining boundaries.

I think a lot of my anger was from the feeling of powerlessness against X's private world without ethics, against the illness that denies itself and is about "winning" at all costs.  Without having reason to research it, how do you learn of the DSM criteria?  Without being in the thick of it, how could anyone envision the crazy-making acting out?  (As evidenced by when we try to convince an outsider of how nuts it was.)  And how do you separate the person vs. the illness -- when they are backpedalling as hard as they can to disprove it? 

I had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit.

[Mystic]

We're taught from childhood to have respect and compassion for those affected by illness.  It would be inhumane to be angry at someone who is suffering.

But people in wheelchairs don't use their wheelchairs to attack others.  People with infectious diseases don't go out of their way to project or spread the toxins around.

And for those of who are taught to be peacekeepers, maybe we're BPD/NPD magnets because they hone in on our difficulties with setting and maintaining boundaries.

I think a lot of my anger was from the feeling of powerlessness against X's private world without ethics, against the illness that denies itself and is about "winning" at all costs.  Without having reason to research it, how do you learn of the DSM criteria?  Without being in the thick of it, how could anyone envision the crazy-making acting out?  (As evidenced by when we try to convince an outsider of how nuts it was.)  And how do you separate the person vs. the illness -- when they are backpedalling as hard as they can to disprove it? 

I had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit.

Great post, and great quote:  "I had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit."

[butrflyblue]

"L had no emotional or mental preparation for an illness of intimacy that is so rooted in exploitation, manipulation, deceit."

OMG You described exactly how I feel most of the time. I think that my dBPDh may also be NPD. But am awaiting a full diagnosis after testing. For me WOES really helped me with some tools I could not have managed much longer without. But I also get angry sometimes when thinking about accountability. It is wonderful to put a name on all of this and I finally feel validated and sane but at the same time its like giving someone a board game and saying no matter how well you play the game you can never hope to win. Would you still play the game? The funny thing is I was happier before diagnosis because now his attitude is "I have this disorder and along with it comes the fact that I will cheat, steal your dreams, be abusive, never show remorse and you just need to put up with this because after all I have a disorder." and I'm not sure how to manage this.

I fully relate fubar.

Things have got to get better for us all.

Hugs Butrfly

[dados76]

I think #4, my own emotional state, is key to my anger.  I can't separate the act from the person right now.  And any hint that I should take any action whatsoever to ease tension and reduce conflict FEELS like an urging to walk on eggshells a little more when I really want to do stomp on the damn eggshells, crush them into powder, and then just scream in her face to go F*** herself when she does her thing.

I don't FEEL like being understanding . . .

id say... you dont have to be... if youre not up to it... it is real draining... tiring... can take a lot out of you... boundaries are good that way... bc they only deal w/your behavior... its ok to have a boundary... to not deal w/someone elses emotions when what you need is space... it dont mean your W is gonna like it... .but its ok  

i do work to be validating w/R... but man... sometimes if i had a rough day... or tired... or w/e... i dont got the energy for it... or got a short fuse myself... i check out... do my own thing... or just tell him i cant deal... try again later... he dont really like that... but the other option is pretty much like you said... me getting pissed off and telling him to ___ off which also dont work so good for a relationship...

i have a lot better success... if i validate when i am feeling up to it... and actually do understand... get where hes coming from... or am ok to ask questions... than trying to force it if i aint feeling it... cause if i dont feel it... he knows anyway and gets pissed... ___... he might as well be pissed at me being off doing my own thing where im chilled out an not trying to please anybody but me for a minute

[innerspirit]

But I also get angry sometimes when thinking about accountability. It is wonderful to put a name on all of this and I finally feel validated and sane but at the same time its like giving someone a board game and saying no matter how well you play the game you can never hope to win. Would you still play the game? The funny thing is I was happier before diagnosis because now his attitude is "I have this disorder and along with it comes the fact that I will cheat, steal your dreams, be abusive, never show remorse and you just need to put up with this because after all I have a disorder." and I'm not sure how to manage this.

Accountability -- it's what I begged for, prayed for -- but he dug his heels in and knew he was winning, his word against mine.  All he had to do was keep a steely calm after the fact.

As for your SO's diagnosis, well not a surprise, sadly.  Different day, different rules.  Before it might have been, "no way do I have any disorder.  In fact you're the one with the disorder.  And I'm not cheating, stealing, being abusive -- why should I show remorse?  It's all in your head.  After all, you're the one with the disorder -- you're obsessing about me."

How to manage him -- well, the key would be that he has to manage himself.  And not use the disorder as a Get Out of Jail Free card.  What is anyone to do in the meantime?  With diagnosis and therapy, how do you know the difference between an honest attempt to change and what might just be more posturing -- especially since he himself might not know?   I mean, sure, time will tell, but I'm wondering what happens in the short term?  As one wise therapist told me, there is no silver bullet.

Sending a  xoxox

[Attagirl]

My T recommended the book after I'd been seeing him for almost a year, in which most sessions were taken up with my r/s with my uBPbf. The lightbulb went on as I read! Though there are lots of strategies in the book for staying, I realized that unless my bf was willing to admit that he has this disorder (along with BiP and PTSD, which he admits), it wasn't going to get any better for me. He absolutely refused to go to couples counseling. It was clear to me that he wouldn't make the investment in the relationship. He'd pay lip service to working on it, but there would still be the unexpected rages, the splitting, cutting me off from my family, etc. Of course, he blamed me for not sticking it out, not making the investment. I'd already invested my life savings, though, and will not now throw good money after bad.

[flashcard]

Livia,

A... .fricking... .MEN

[Randi Kreger]

But for right now, where I am, I feel like a part of me needs to stay angry and miserable just to keep my codependent self from slipping forever into a FOGgy hell.What about using the anger, but droping the miserable?

[Randi Kreger]

The funny thing is I was happier before diagnosis because now his attitude is "I have this disorder and along with it comes the fact that I will cheat, steal your dreams, be abusive, never show remorse and you just need to put up with this because after all I have a disorder." and I'm not sure how to manage this.This is something I wrote for my group Welcome to Oz that relates. I am going to post it on my blog at Psychology Today.The other day, someone asked this question:On the one hand, we are all holding people with personality disorder responsible for their actions, which is what Welcome to Oz is mostly about. On the other hand, we concede that they have a disorder. So which one is it? Are they victims of a disorder, or should we hold them accountable for their hurtful behavior? Following is my answer to this post: I'm going to answer your post by asking you to imagine different scenarios:1. You are diagnosed with adult attention deficit disorder, like me.To manage my life, , I need to take responsibility to take my meds, to structure my office environment, and to get a coach or read books that give me strategies for managing my tendency to forget things, overfocus on something and lose track of time, and not do what I am supposed to do around the house.My hubby gets frustrated if I forget to close the garage door because I got distracted as soon as I entered the house. He expects me to write myself notes to take care of household things.If I don't do this, my books will not get written and my relationship with my husband will suffer--as will my finances. It's not my fault that I have ADD. But it is my responsibility to manage it. It affects others; I don't live in a vacuum. People in my life give me some slack because they know I struggle. But I am an adult and they expect me to realize they have needs, too.2. Imagine your borderline/narcissistic wife has heart disease and her doctor says she must exercise and eat right.But she doesn't. She eats fatty meat and no vegetables and takes the car to run an erran a block away. She may die early or be disabled. You argue with her to change and she says she is FINE, that the doctors are too dour, and everyone dies of something, anyway. Besides, since her family as a history of heart disease, there is nothing she can do to prevent a heart attack. You learn that fighting about her lifesatyle makes her go out and eat fried food and sit on the couch watching TV for hours. You can get mad and call her all kinds of names and make generalizations about how people with cardiac disorder don't take care of themselves. You might feel better for awhile, but your behavior is not productive or helpful, and you're making generalizations about people that aren't even true.So what do you do: continue fighting, or accept she is in charge of her own body and focus on your own health so you will always be there for your children? Do you do your best at work because you require the health insurance? If you take care of you and give her space, she may decide on her own to take responsibility for her health.3. Imagine your child marries someone who acts just like your BP/NP spouse. Do you want him to experience abusive behavior and think it's all his fault and have his self-esteem wrecked? Do you want to give up his dreams for his future as well as his emotional needs, put your grandchildren at risk for having a personality disorder, etc?The lesson here is that people are not responsible for what they HAVE, ADD or a PD. But they are responsible for their behavior as it affects others and, hopefully, as it affects themselves. You can have sympathy and learn how to communicate and set limits that improve the relationship. But you have needs, too, and you deserve to have them met. Or, you can choose a life of being at the other person's mercy. It's up to you.People have needs. Very basically, they need the basics for survival. As you go up the chain, they need to feel safe. They need to be loved and have friends and community. They need to feel loved and reach their full potential. You can defer these needs, delay them, or refuse to do what you need to do to get them met. But they won't go away. Think about your life: it is all you have and it will not last forever. Each person must answer these questions for him or herself.

[Fubar]

But for right now, where I am, I feel like a part of me needs to stay angry and miserable just to keep my codependent self from slipping forever into a FOGgy hell.

What about using the anger, but droping the miserable?

THAT'S one to work on!

I'm going to consider changing the focus of my counseling to place my issues in the context of my relationship with BPDw.  I think that may help me shift from outrage at the endless cycle.

[Forestaken]

The book helped me to look for her triggers and not to take her emotional/drama bait.

Did it piss me off, some part yeah.  I felt her violations all over again.  It reminded me about past experience and how her parent screwed her up and her siblings happily passed her to me.

[MoonWolf]

I finished this book last night. I was amazed by it, because now I have a deeper understanding about my husband's behavior, and mine.  I was looking for coping skills and got a lot more. I have to re-read the book later and give it to his mom.  When I read the stories in many ways it could be my story.

I feel as though the book gave me many things to think about and many ways I can cope with my husband's illness.

I have a great deal to think of and it has made me re-evaluated what I want.  This is a dance which you have to be at the top of your game, and the point is, do I want to be on, all the time.

I just don't know for now. For right now, I will take the lessons from the book and work on them.

[MindfulJavaJoe]

This is an outstanding book for those non with a significant other with BPD.

I cannot recommend it more highly.

It describes patterns and behaviours in both my BPDw and roles and patterns I have learnt to addopt and since give up as we seperate.

Excellent tips on coping strategies for NonBPD.

My recommedations is a strong BUY 

[Karma]

Wonderful book. Once my therapist planted the seed that my mum is probably BPD I started reading a bunch of books I could get my hands on. One of the best was Stop Walking on Eggshells and the workbook. Only half way through the workbook as it takes time to do the exercises (and I have two small children), but the book was amazing. It was just like Randi was living at my house when I was growing up. It was very validating that it wasn't me and my being "too sensitive" or "very argumentative" and never ever pleasing her no matter what I did (or didn't do). Highly, highly recommend the book.

[Kifazes]

Hi all,

I've went on a trip into town, searching for the book 'Stop walking on eggshells', but it's nowhere to be found... .

Probably because it's english, and, well yeah, we speak dutch

But I'd love to read the book (rather in english than in dutch), does anyone of you know how I could get my hands on this book?

Thanks!

[EF]

You can order it from Amazon. UK.  The shipping costs aren't too bad. I live in Holland and had it mailed to me from the UK.

[Kifazes]

Thanks for the reply!

I'm gonna try it on amazon.uk

[MyXBFsSTBXuBPDw]

My friend is in the process of leaving his uBPDw (possibly +NPD).  She has 3 children from her first marriage (12, 14 & 17).  They're all very bright, I'm told.  Also, their bio-father isn't involved too much, from what I understand.  (They were still married when my friend started seeing her.  Bio-f actually warned my friend that the woman had BPD.  The more I learn about this disorder, the more I think how decent that was of him.)

Would this book be suitable for the children, as a kind of 'goodbye gift'?  My friend told me last week that the eldest (s17), is ready to disappear.  Middle child (d14) is either already displaying BPD behaviors, or is a pawn in her mother's machinations (apparently to get out of paying tuition?)  He didn't mention the youngest, but I can't imagine she's faring much better than the other two.

I might be seeing him tomorrow, it'd be nice to be able to give him at least a list... .

[ToLiveAgain]

My book arrived in the mail today. Only took three weeks! Now for some reading and some fix-a-uppering of me. Ok so that's not a real word. I don't care!   

[bowhunter]

which edition of stop walking on egg shells do you reccomend.  they got it on ebay for @12$. thanks

[Kifazes]

Since yesterday I'm the proud owner of 'Stop walking on eggshells'! It finally arrived in the mail.

So far: I love the book!

[MindfulJavaJoe]

Update:

Please note that there is an unabridged version of this book in audiobook format from iTunes.

[chaann]

Does anyone know if the book and the workbook has been translated into French?  It seems like only "The essential Family Guide to BPD... ." has been translated into French.  I was hoping to find the other 2 for my mom (non-BPD) who only speak/read French.

[oneofme]

I am hoping to buy Stop Walking on Eggshells to help w dil who is a classic histrionic.   She is called the Princess by her family (which is so close and huge and codependent and lets no one else in); she has always had her way or as her father says, "There will be hell to pay."

Her daughter, a preschooler, is already displaying her manipulative ways.  Our son tries hard to please her but as he says, it's never enough.

I know I can't change her; I just need to know how to cope when she throws fits and criticizes and constantly tells us all what to do (sometimes in a manipulative, conniving way, other times just tells us.)

Her needs come before anyone else's... .

Most posts seem to apply to children or spouses; what about a family member by marriage that one has to deal with, without alienating... .does this book give concrete examples to help?

[exbpdgf]

This is a classic and the first book I read on the subject. I think this is a great first book for people to read. It named and validated many things in my relationship with my uBPD

[vickeythomas]

We are trying to figure out WHICH book to purchase and start with.  SWOE from the 1990's or the later one from 2008?  We purchased the workbook and intended to buy the original one but noticed from a post on the web that the original one is out of date and that the later one is recommended

[Suzn]

Hi vickeythomas

I would probably suggest the most updated version, although I think the concepts are a bit outdated now.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells.80