14. Stop Walking on Eggshells - Paul T. Mason MS

[BPDFamily]

Stop Walking on Eggshells Author: Paul T. Mason MS, Randi Kreger Publisher: New Harbinger Publications (2nd Ed. 2010) Paperback: 240 pages ISBN-10: 1572246901 ISBN-13: 978-1572246904

Book Description
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive disorder and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how the disorder affects their loved ones and recognize what they can do to get off the emotional roller coasters and take care of themselves.

About the Author
Paul T. Mason is a program manager of Child/Adolescent Services and a psychotherapist with Psychiatric Services for St. Luke's Hospital in Racine, Wisconsin. His research on borderline personality disorder (BPD) has appeared in the Journal of Clinical Psychology, and he teaches seminars for mental health professional on the effects of BPD on partners and family members.

Randi Kreger is a professional writer. Frustrated with lack of information about BPD and families, she initiated an Internet discussions a group and a site on the web for people who care about someone with borderline personality disorder.

[Randi Kreger]

Authors Comments

I thought I would let u know how this book came into being.

I am a non myself. A therapist in 1995 or so that someone in my life had BPD. I couldn't find any info, so I decided to write the book. Part of it was that I could interview the best people out there!

It took a YEAR to find a publisher. No one believed people needed this. At one point, Paul and I considered self-publishing--but suddenly we got three offers. For me personally, it has been a blessing and a curse. It was--and is still--hard to listen to story after story of other non-BPs. The worst is seeing what is happening to the children. It has made me relive my own experiences over and over.  It also meant working in my house, alone, for three years. The lack of social interaction is very hard for me. For about a year there, I was sorry I ever started this.

The blessing part is that it has given me such great skills, not only dealing with BPs but in all my personal relationships. Now that I am 10 years older, the blessing is that there was a purpose in my own BP experience, not to mention my own life. Without it, I would feel pretty empty. I think the highlight of the experience was when I spoke with a non with three children in a nasty divorce. To get custody of the kids, he had to assume all the considerable dept they had. So he asked me for advice and I told him to GET HIS KIDS and then I started to cry. He called me later and told me he took the kids. And at one point I realized that this not only made those children's lives not a hell--but it will trickle down to THEIR children.

I don't think I will ever get my head around 'Stop Walking on Eggshells" selling about 300,000 copies and the Workbook about 35K or so. The average number of books sold for my publisher is about three thousand.I was giving a seminar for nons once and I looked out at everyone and suddenly I realized how powerful this disorder really is.

Randi

[bewildered2]

This booked may have saved my life.

It certainly saved my sanity.

And it made me face unpleasant facts about the effects my BPGF would have on my daughter, and made me do something about it, pronto.

B2

[united for now]

I found the workbook for "stop walking on eggshells" to be very helpful, with many insightful ideas and ways to see the FOG you are in, being in a relationship with a BPD person.

I also have read "Where to draw the line. How to set healthy boundaries every day" by Anne Katherine, M.A. which I found great to help me see how I was weak at setting personal boundaries.

Also, "The emotionally abusive relationship" by Beverly Engel, to see how to define emotional abuse, and to also see how I got sucked into being the nice person, to my own detriment.

[MULESKINNER]

This book helped me so much, I used to beat myself up because my 27 yr. old BPD daughter always blames me for everything, I never realized that she was manipulating me. It's all starting to make since for me after reading this book. I would highly recommend reading it, It will help you realize that it's not you with the defect.

[Cyndi]

Book was a great comfort.

However, I wished it had went into more detail about LEAVING someone with BPD.

I had no idea how hard it would be until I found this site.

[RTTCB]

It was the first thing I read after finding The Nook.

Like so many here - it so reflected what I was experiencing, but not only that, it gave me more of an awareness of what BPD was and also insight into how I needed to deal with it.

It was hard to read in a way, as it was the beginning of the end. It made me realise I needed to walk away. But in that respect it saved me a whole lot more suffering and grief.

RTT

[Randi Kreger]

Book was a great comfort.However, I wished it had went into more detail about LEAVING someone with BPD.I had no idea how hard it would be until I found this site.

The stuff about how to leave a BP is in the booklet Love and Loathing. You can't fit everything into SWOE, and to have a lot of info about that would have made a lot of people unhappy.

[TonyC]

 i have been out... .but my ex threw it in the... .trash... .

i just bought another copy to re read... .now that im in re-engagement central

i wanted to be sure... .

i think a book from randi on after your out , or on the way out ould be good... .

tony

[Randi Kreger]

i have been out... .but my ex threw it in the... .trash... .i just bought another copy to re read... .now that im in re-engagement centrali wanted to be sure... .i think a book from randi on after your out , or on the way out ould be good... .tony

That is in Love and Loathing too. If you're serious about divorce, there is Splitting, the Splitting CD, and they custody CD called you're my world. It is EXTREMELY important to prepare if that's what you want to do--ESPECIALLY if you have kids.

[TonyC]

not married randi and no kids,... .a blessing.but the book , definatley helped me understand... .things, and how her mind works... .

just dont know how it works five months out... .?

tony

[bewildered2]

I am unfamiliar with "Love and Loathing".

What is it and where can I get a copy please?

b2

[themummy]

Hello,

I was recommended that our daughter with BPD boyfriend would read the book... .walking on eggshells... .

Does anyone know if this is translated into Dutch, or where I can find out?

Thanks

[Her Mama]

I found this information at www-page-not-found-net:

To check translation status, email customerservice@newharbringer.com.


Hope that helps.

KSM

[themummy]

Thanks,

I have found it.

[JerryKew]

All I can tell you is it hasn't been translated into French. My guess would be that it hasn't been translated into any foreign languages, but I could be wrong. How's your daughter's English? Maybe she would have no problem reading it in English. 'Kill two birds with one stone' kind of thing... .

[Skip]

This is my understanding of the translation status on this book.  The e-mail address provided by Ks Step Mom will get you the latest information.

Hope this helps.

Skip


Stop Walking on Eggshells, Taiwanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Chinese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Dutch

Stop Walking on Eggshells, German

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Japanese

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Korean

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Croatian

Stop Walking on Eggshells, Swedish

Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook, Dutch

[JerryKew]

Wow! I'm impressed! I had no idea it had been translated into so many languages. Why it hasn't been translated into French still baffles me.

Randi, you get the publisher, and I'll do the translation for you!  (I mean it!)

[spritom]

I don't know if I can give this book an objective review, so here's a subjective one.  This book was my first baby steps out of the fog... .out of Oz.  I was working late, my BP-then-wife had really been on a tear, things were at a low.  I was browsing the net and came across a comment on a divorce site that used the acronym "BPD."  I had no idea what that meant, so I went on a Google-binge and came across Stop Walking on Eggshells... .I picked it up that night on the way home.

The next couple of days, I read any time I had a spare moment... .at breaks/lunches at work... .any time.  I was stunned as it seemed as if the authors had been living in my home.  Up until that point, I had never heard anything about it and even the few times I told a person or two about part of the behaviors going on, they didn't seem to believe it.  My BP-wife was denying that the behaviors were taking place and I was second guessing myself.  But there was the book, it was physical proof that there was life outside my little planet. 

It was a long road for me... .not as long as some, but the longest, toughest road I've ever taken with many tears along the way.  Now I'm working on my own wonderful life and my children also have a positive example in their lives.   It started with this book.

[beckett34]

a life changing book - many many thanks to the authors .

ive just passed it on to a young woman who so desperately need to read it - shes getting a lot from it too!

[LAPDR]

I have a general question for Randi or some of the senior board members that may know. The year 1995 was a period that I was devouring books by the week on bi-polar, co-dependency, children of alcoholics, narcissism people and such and believe I saw very few references to Borderline disorder. Going on 13 years later the term and awareness has enlarged in scope and in public awareness from what I have seen. In these 13 years I am wondering what your opinion is on how the awareness, education and sensitivity has changed to the general public and professional ranks about BPD.

Thank you,

LA

[Skip]

This will be much better answered by Randi... .

The BPD diagnostic criteria didn't appear until 1987 when they were published in the DSM-III (and again in 1994 in DSM-IV). This really kicked off the awareness.  Clinicians graduating prior to 1987 had little training on BPD.

The first "lay" book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" was published in 1989. 

If you look in the technical literature, a lot of studies were published in the 1990's.   TARA was founded in November of 1994 by Valerie Porr, MA.

":)on't walk on Eggshells" didn't come out until 1998.  This is also the time of the internet websites.

The Borderline Personality Disorder Research Foundation was founded in 1999.  BPDRF mobilized research centers in the US and Europe to investigate whether BPD was a recognizably distinct entity and, if so, what the defining characteristics of the disorder were.

NEA-BPD was founded in August 2001 by several family members, consumers, and one professional. The impetus stemmed from the "New Directions" meeting at Rockefeller University in July 2001 sponsored by the National Institute of Mental Health and the Borderline Personality Disorder Research Foundation.

Hope that helps.

Skippy

[lovetogolf]

Not sure I got too much out of this or  I've missed the point of it.

NPD/BPD pretty much seem the same to me.

[bewildered2]

Not sure I got too much out of this or  I've missed the point of it.

NPD/BPD pretty much seem the same to me.

Borderlines fear abandonment big time and avoiding it is their primary driver.

I do not believe that Narcissists are driven by the same fear.

From what I have read it is not uncommon for the two disorders to be comorbid and the combination of the two is powerfully destructive and apparently very hard if not impossible to treat successfully. NPD/BPDs are very hard to live with, trust me!

b2   

[Cyndi]

From what I have read NPD are driven by fear.

They just deal with it in a different manner.

They will reject before being rejected.  Coldly and cruely if they have to.  But is imperative to their survival that they be the ones to do it.

So when they feel they are getting too close to someone, and there is even the slightest chance that they may be vulnerable, they leave, and they leave fast.

They are terrified of being left, being hurt.  This fear is by far stronger than any love they feel for anyone.  The potential is enough to drive them away without so much as a backwards glance.  The feelings of others is just not a factor in their lives.  It's all about them, how much power over others they feel they have.  People are just pawns to them. And in their minds, people are interchangable and very disposable if they feel threatened or even bored with them.  They bore easily apparently.

They cover their fear with an air of superiority and competance, but inside they are a quivering mass of fear.

There are some sadistic NPD's who actually enjoy hurting others, they enjoy that kind of power, but I'll have to guess that they are fairly easy to spot.

I believe the APD's are the only ones whose actions are not based on fear.  They just feel nothing.

But I do agree with one thing, it really doesn't matter how much of either they have, if they have a mixture of both, I truly feel it is an impossible situation.

[beckett34]

yes - the great NPD/BPD combination - unbelievably impossible .

[ruralstressed]

Reading this book has helped me reduce the initial chaos within one year.

We are minimum contact and set boundaries.

Ubpx will forever be trying to create chaos for us, but we have resources now.

[karategrrl]

About 3 tears ago, a friend gave me a copy... .I started highlighting everything that pertained to my ex... .I stopped because I was highlighting almost the whole book... .One day my ex caught a glimps of it and asked to borrow it... .I said yes, but told her I had highlighted some of it and she had to promise not to get mad... .a week later, she threw it on my porch and I didn't hear from her for a few weeks... .Of course, I'm totally NC now! Thanks for a great book, it saved my sanity and my son too!

[Randi Kreger]

i have been out... .but my ex threw it in the... .trash... .i just bought another copy to re read... .now that im in re-engagement centrali wanted to be sure... .i think a book from randi on after your out , or on the way out ould be good... .tony

Hi there:What would the topics be, and would they be something you could also find in other books?

[LAPDR]

Randi,

I believe that a lot of subject matter could be covered that is specific and unique to exiting and healing from a relationship with somebody with a personality disorder.

Planning the departure appears to be hard for everybody here. Dealing with divorce and child custody issues especially if the BPD has primary custody how does the non deal with the safety and security of their children and how to measure it. I have not read William Eddy’s book on divorce but I do know that reading about recovery and grief of divorce written eight years ago gave little comfort or aid to what I went through. Many of us carry a lot of guilt after the break-up, we wonder if we did enough to help them, would of things worked out if we had stayed longer and many other things. Within ourselves many see red flags everywhere when trying to get back in circulation as a normal person. Why is it so hard for many of us to get out of the shell we receded into when we are away from the one who hurt us so much? Protection from re-engaging afterwards is important but many keep letting it continue for a long time. I believe many do not know how to meditate and concentrate about thinking about themselves and planning their future after the shock of their experience.

Just my opinion here but many issues of divorce, grieving and getting over a past relationship with somebody with BPD present many special circumstances that are not covered in the general books available covering those issues.

LA