I Hate You, Don't Leave Me - Jerold J. Kreisman, MD

[BPDFamily]

I Hate You, Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality Author: Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus Publisher: TarcherPerigee; Rev Upd edition (December 7, 2010) Paperback: 288 pages ISBN-10: 0399536213 ISBN-13: 978-0399536212

Book Description
People with Borderline Personality Disorder experience such violent and frightening mood swings that they often fear for their sanity. They can be euphoric one moment, despairing and depressed the next. There are an estimated 10 million sufferers of BPD living in America today -- each displaying remarkably similar symptoms:

    * a shaky sense of identity

    * sudden violent outbursts

    * oversensitivity to real or imagined rejection

    * brief, turbulent love affairs

    * frequent periods of intense depression

    * eating disorders, drug abuse, and other self-destructive tendencies

    * an irrational fear of abandonment and an inability to be alone

For years BPD was difficult to describe, diagnose, and treat. But now, for the first time, Dr. Jerold J. Kreisman and health writer Hal Straus offer much-needed professional advice, helping victims and their families to understand and cope with this troubling, shockingly widespread affliction.

About the Author
Dr. Kreisman practices Psychiatry in Saint Louis, Missouri. He graduated from the Cornell University Med College with a MD and has been in the profession for 34 years.

[gambaru]

Hailed in its time as the first book to offer “much needed professional advice, helping victims and their families to understand and cope with this troubling, shockingly widespread disease” (BPD), I Hate You – Don’t Leave Me, Understanding the Borderline Personality Disorder, by Jerold J. Kreisman, M.D., and Hal Straus, is disappointingly lacking in both, for either audience.  Although certainly of historical significance, the nearly 20 years that have passed since the initial publication of this slim paperback has served to render the majority of the book as dated material, if not outright ludicrous or insulting to those who have suffered significant damage at the hands of the BPD in his or her life.

What’s Good

Despite its shortcomings, the book does provide some value to the Non, listed below as bullet points:

•   The SET statement technique may be useful for dealing with high-functioning borderlines

•   There is a brief comparison of BPD against other disorders frequently confused with BPD (bi-polar disorder, for example), which the Non may find useful and/or clarifying

•   There is some bit of exposition of the diagnostic criteria (per the then-current DSM-III-R), which provides a bit of anecdotal or “real life” examples.

What’s Not-so-Good

The overall tone is firstly clearly sympathetic to the BPD patient, and secondly suffers from a clinical detachment that may frankly grate on the “Non” reader.  The case histories tend to be superficial, containing nonchalant references to Borderline patients’ infidelity, drug abuse, etc. as merely interesting indications of the disorder.  Equally irritating to some may be the glib references to the roots of the patient’s illness nearly always harking back to abusive or inadequate parenting.  Although the possible connection to genetic or biological factors are presented briefly, precious little weight is given to them, as they are nearly always placed at the feet of a putative borderline mother, with an implication that she compounded the genetic curse she placed on her child by exacerbating it through borderline-style (ie, abusive) parenting:

“The mother of a borderline may be blatantly ill, but more often her pathology is quite subtle.  She may even be perceived by others as the “perfect mother” because of her total “dedication” to her children.  Further observation, however, reveals her overinvolvement in her children’s lives, her encouragement of mutual dependencies, and her unwillingness to allow her children to mature and separate naturally.” (p. 160)

I half-expected this to be followed by an explanation that “female hysteria” was likely caused by a woman’s uterus detaching and moving around; the ancient Greeks found it such a handy theory, after all! 

The only tool the authors provide for the “Non” is a brief (and poorly presented) description of a tool called a “SET” (Support, Empathy, Truth) statement.  Whilst this may indeed provide a valuable communication method for the Non, most Nons would find the authors’ suggestion of its use as an adequate tool for dealing with suicide threats, borderline rage, “impulsivity” (such as totally depleting the family’s nest egg in a spending spree), etc., to be downright laughable, if not outright self-destructive.  For example, this is how the authors suggest the Non wife of an alcoholic borderline react to his abusive drinking binges:

“It is also helpful to be able to predict impulsive behaviors from past experience. SET techniques might have helped Phyllis to deal with Larry’s impulsivity.  For example, after a period of sobriety, Phyllis might remind Larry that in the past, when things have gone well, he has built up pressures that have exploded into drinking binges.  By pointing out previous patterns, one can help the borderline become more aware of feelings that preview the onset of impulsivity.  In addition, the borderline learns that behaviors that he has perceived as chaotic and unpredictable can actually be anticipated, understood, and thereby controlled.” (p 158)

If the Non were able to “predict impulsive behaviors from past experience”, he or she would very likely have had no need to pick up the book!  Sadly, the authors aren’t kidding.  I’d pay good money to see the Non who tried to “helpfully” point out a borderline pattern and received any response from a BPD other than Borderline rage and accusations that “you think you’re so smart!” “you’re expecting me to fail now!” etc., etc., etc. or any other variation of escalating.

In discussing relationships, the focus is always on the Non’s responsibility to provide understanding and empathy to the mentally ill BPD sufferer, with a further supposition that the Non will, upon receiving the insight that the BPD is merely “mentally ill”, immediately find relief from the very real damage and destruction wreaked by the BPD, and become seized with a sudden fervor to become the BPD’s adjunct therapist.  Here’s another passage:

“Similarly, when the borderline is in an executive position, it is important for employees to recognize and learn to deal with his black-or-white thinking.  Employees should learn to expect and accept his changeability with a minimum of hurt feelings.   They should avoid entanglement in logical arguments, because consistency may not always be possible for the borderline.”(p164)

Really?  The reader can’t help wondering if the authors also think it would be a good idea to simply “recognize and learn to deal with” racism, homophobia, and sexual harassment in the workplace as well, since awareness and sensitivity “may not always be possible” for a patriarchal white male executive!

The section covering therapy for Borderlines is rather vague and of little help to the Non, and does not even mention DBT (likely because the method wasn’t well-known at the time).

Any Non looking for a sympathetic voice or any solid recovery tools in this book will be sorely disappointed.  Similarly, those looking within its pages for true insight into the thinking of a BPD go begging for it. Those looking for an interesting historical perspective of the disease, however will certainly find it to be of note; much like reviewing the chauvinistic but nonetheless intriguing theories of Freud.

Overall, my recommendation is for the Non to save this book for much later in the recovery process, and then only as an interesting historical reference.

[pizaluvr]

This was the 2nd book that I read on the disorder.

After reading, "Stop Walking on Eggshells," I felt a little less crazy about my reality that was twisted by my ex.

"I hate you, don't leave me," seemed to have a lot more psycho babble that although I could understand it, I just didn't want to accept it as an illness.

I agree with Gambaru on this one.  Wait until you have read some books that are more sympathetic to the non.

pizaluvr   

[bewildered2]

I thought it was excellent.

It provided many answers for me about the baffling behaviors I had lived with while in a relationship with a BPD.

And I realized that BPD is a very serious disorder through this book.

B2

[Almost_Nobody]

I have read this book .This was published in 1992.

My view is this book is  Nonunderstandable and incomplete.

The book mainly describes patients who get hospitalized due to depressin and  self injury mainly. Awareness and ideas of BPD was not developed as it is today.

Can be a good resource to psycholgists and students.

[Johnjm]

I read this book in the fall of 2003, about three months after my wife moved out of the house with our children.  I actually had the children with me when I first saw the book cover and the title caught my attention.  I went back and got it later.

The main benefit to me was that it provided some information about BPD.  I went back to the store and found a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells after doing a search on BPD on the store computer, that was the real eye opener.

John

[ruralstressed]

This was the first book in my collection of resources for bp. 

Though it was a very difficult reading, I found it informative, but frightening.

I agree, one should have knowledge before reading it.

[Turil]

I gave it a "fair" rating.

This book is probably a good introductory book on the topic for those who are moderately intellectually inclined and not feeling stressed out.  In other words, it's a pretty dry collection of basics, with no attempt to use it's own communication theories to help the reader feel better about their problems.

Also there isn't a lot of really good information or research, as it was written two decades ago, compared to the recent books on the topic.

If it's the only book avaiable at the library, sure, check it out, but otherwise, look for something a bit more current.  And if you are looking for a book that will help you feel less stressed out, look for one in which the author uses SET communication techniques in the writing of the book.  The Eggshells books, particularly the workbook, is probably a good bet... .

Peace, love, and biycyles,

Turil

[eggshell]

This book is okay, but it's my least favorite book that I" have read about BPD. They go into too many other details which I found sort of irrelevant in my personal journey for answers, but which would be more relevant to a person studying this for research reasons. They didn't delve deep enough into the roots of things, relationships, etc. "Get Me Out Of Here" and "Stop Walking on Eggshells" were much better. "Get Me Out of Here" is my favorite.

[Ice Man]

Oh, hope this is a good book, just ordered it... .

[Ice Man]

Although it's the first BPD book I am reading, I'm not finding it hopeful, although, but I highly recommend to anyone who wants to understand BPD. We can't counter respond to something which we do not know of the causes. The examples of real cases are a good read, not quick-fixes. Good read meant by me is we can study the underlying causes, by not jumping into the symptoms and the possible treatments. I think it is highly crucial for one who is really interested to understand BPD from scratch, whether if you're reading the first book or not.

[clean slate]

I finished reading this book this morning.  I was a bit apprehensive about reading it based on the title alone, but it did seem to sum up my overall experience of marriage to my uBPDh.  I rated this book as fair only because I was being kind.

I don't think this book is valid for someone wanting valuable experiential information of a current nature.  The book has a 1989 copyright, and in the opening acknowledgements, the authors are grateful for excerpts from a few other books -- published in 1963, 1973, 1978 and 1960.

The dedication of the book reads: "As all things, for Doody."  That is pretty much how I'd say I felt about the text -- it was doody.

I agree with the review provided by gambaru. I would add to it that I found it increasingly frustrating that in every incomplete and glossed over case study, every person with BPD got help for themselves.  In what world does that exist?  I know the book cites statistics of how many of those with BPD go to therapy, how many stay in therapy, and how many actually apply therapy to their daily lives.  However, that information is once again glossed over.  

The notion that reading this book will help you to understand the borderline disorder is ridiculous.  It made no mention of the gaslighting (or any other term that would imply gaslighting) or the feelings and mental hiccups in those dealing with the person with BPD.  

Basically, this book candy-coated BPD.  It was in no way realistic.  I have a feeling that if this was one of the first books published about BPD, the people reading it in 1989 ended up taking a lot more "abuse" simply because of the way the information was presented.  And that's a shame.

I wouldn't recommend this book.

[sandpiper]

If you're the child of a pwBPD, my suggestion is to skip this and look for a better resource.

Christine Lawson's 'Understanding the Borderline Mother' or else 'The Narcissistic Family' by Pressman and Donadson Pressman.

[KHat]

I read this book this past summer and thought it was dated - much better resources out there.  The main problem I had with it was that the author seemed to use only very extreme examples of pwBPD, almost ignoring the high-functioning variety.  I also got the sense that he "talked down" to the nons, which would keep me from recommending the book to a non in that they are often already believing that it is their fault the disordered person is they way they are.

What I found helpful enough to redeem the book to earn a "good" rating in my eyes was that it was the first book I had read which gave actual, good advice for how to deal with a disordered person in using the SET approach.  There were also copious examples of this (which appeared to illuminate that it always works, while I'm sure it doesn't).  I have since used the SET approach - support, empathy, truth - with anyone acting out emotionally to maintain a calm and loving situation, including children. 

For me, since I read "Stop Walking on Eggshells," and "Understanding the Borderline Mother" first, I already had enough of a working knowledge of the disorder to be able to skim through most of the odious parts of this book and focus primarily on what I could use.  I would not recommend it as a first reference for anyone dealing with a pwBPD.

[hokus719]

I recently got this book, its been updated with new information. And is extremely helpful. So many questions where answered by it. Really helped me start moving my life forward.

[Lamaiel]

I much preferred SWOE... . this book seems a bit outdated and doesn't relate as easily to someone who deals with a BPD partner on a day to day basis.

[ropend]

Never read more than three pages at the store but my god that title sounds accurate.