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Author Topic: Sleep interruption and deprivation---- how to handle.  (Read 19829 times)
JoannaK
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« on: September 29, 2007, 10:03:27 AM »

Dealing with middle of the night (or bedtime) rages, arguments, and other avenues of sleep deprivation.  



Over the years many partners of those with BPD have mentioned the problems of trying to deal with arguments that start at bedtime, or arguments that start in the middle of the night.  Sometimes a BPD will awaken a non after he/she has had a dream and will argue about a dream.  

Boundaries can work, and many have mentioned leaving the room and sleeping elsewhere.

So:

1.  It is important to realize that sleep deprivation is a form of emotional abuse.  

2.  It is important to remember that you are entitled to sleep, and you do not have to enter into an argument at bedtime.

3.  You have a right to decide when you will (or won't) discuss something.

4.  It takes two to argue, but only one to rant and rage.  

I discovered the attached Workshop Reference... . a thread dealing with middle of the night rants and rages.

What other advice/good resources have you come across for dealing with this troublesome problem?

We're also looking for information on the effects of sleep deprivation.


https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=49795.0;all
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theomorphic
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« Reply #1 on: August 06, 2008, 08:43:46 PM »

The Effects of Sleep Deprivation

Sleep Deprivation.com 


Mod Note: This paper is the product of the morefocus editorial group.  morefocus editorial content is researched and created by commercial writters, under the supervision of a senior morefocus editor. Some content is reviewed by qualified experts in the subject. All sites that are operated for sponsors are clearly marked as being commercial. ~ Skip

Sleep deprivation can have serious effects on your health in the form of physical and mental impairments. Inadequate rest impairs our ability to think, to handle stress, to maintain a healthy immune system and to moderate our emotions. In fact, sleep is so important to our overall health that total sleep deprivation has been proven to be fatal: lab rats denied the chance to rest die within two to three weeks. Find out more from this Free Guide to sleep disorders.

Without adequate rest, the brain's ability to function quickly deteriorates. The brain works harder to counteract sleep deprivation effects, but operates less effectively: concentration levels drop, and memory becomes impaired.

Similarly, the brain's ability to problem solve is greatly impaired. Decision-making abilities are compromised, and the brain falls into rigid thought patterns that make it difficult to generate new problem-solving ideas. Insufficient rest can also cause people to have hallucinations. Other typical effects of sleep deprivation include:

depression

heart disease

hypertension

irritability

slower reaction times

slurred speech

tremors.

In this section, we will outline and examine the various effects of sleep deprivation. Our articles will describe how prolonged lack of sleep affects both mental and physical health.

Sleep & Aging

The older we get, the more likely it is that we will suffer from some kind of sleep disorder. In fact, over 50 percent of people over 64 years old suffer from some type of sleep disorder. While the hormonal and physical changes that occur as we age will likely affect sleep, especially in menopausal women, the increased presence of other medical conditions and disorders is also a factor that tends to upset the sleep of the elderly.

One of the biggest sleeping problems the elderly experience is the inability to get deep, restorative sleep. Although they tend to sleep just as much as they did when they were younger, the elderly don’t get as quality sleep, meaning that they often suffer from fatigue and daytime drowsiness. The main reason for this is because older people don’t get as much REM sleep, the deepest, most restorative sleep phase. Keep reading to learn more about the relationship between sleep and

aging.  Weight Changes, Dramatic weight changes, especially weight gain, are also common effects of sleep deprivation. Because the amount and quality of the sleep we get affects our hormone levels, namely our levels of leptin and ghrelin, many physiological processes that depend on these hormone levels to function properly, including appetite, are affected by our sleep.

While leptin is a hormone that affects our feelings of fullness and satisfaction after a meal, ghrelin is the hormone that stimulates our appetites. When you suffer from sleep deprivation, your body’s levels of leptin fall while ghrelin levels increase. This means that you end up feeling hungrier without really feeling satisfied by what you eat, causing you to eat more and, consequently, gain weight... .
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« Reply #2 on: August 06, 2008, 08:45:34 PM »

The Effects of Sleep Deprivation on Brain and Behavior

by Sarah Ledoux:


Mod Note: This paper reflects the research and thoughts of a student at the time the paper was written for a course at Bryn Mawr College. Like other materials on Serendip, it is not intended to be "authoritative" but rather to help others further develop their own explorations. ~ Skip

Sleep deprivation is a commonplace occurrence in modern culture. Every day there seems to be twice as much work and half as much time to complete it in. This results in either extended periods of wakefulness or a decrease in sleep over an extended period of time. While some people may like to believe that they can train their bodies to not require as much sleep as they once did this belief is false (1). Sleep is needed to regenerate certain parts of the body, especially the brain, so that it may continue to function optimally. After periods of extended wakefulness or reduced sleep neurons may begin to malfunction, visibly effecting a person's behavior. Some organs, such as muscles, are able to regenerate even when a person is not sleeping so long as they are resting. This could involve lying awake but relaxed within a quite environment. Even though cognitive functions might not seem necessary in this scenario the brain, especially the cerebral cortex, is not able to rest but rather remains semi-alert in a state of "quiet readiness" (2). Certain stages of sleep are needed for the regeneration of neurons within the cerebral cortex while other stages of sleep seem to be used for forming new memories and generating new synaptic connections. The effects of sleep deprivation on behavior have been tested with relation to the presence of activity in different sections of the cerebral cortex.

The temporal lobe of the cerebral cortex is associated with the processing of language. During verbal learning tests on subjects who are fully rested functional magnetic resonance imaging scans show that this area of the brain is very active. However, in sleep deprived subjects there is no activity within this region (3), (4), (5). The effects of this inactivity can be observed by the slurred speech in subjects who have gone for prolonged periods with no sleep (6).

Even severely sleep deprived people are still able to perform to some degree on a verbal learning test. This implies that some other area of the brain must become active to compensate for the loss of temporal lobe functioning. In fact, activity can be seen in the parietal lobe that is not present during verbal learning tests using rested subjects (5). Greater activity within this region corresponded to better performance by subjects in research studies (7). Still, sleep deprived people do not perform as well on these tests as do fully rested subjects (3), (4). One possible reason for the poorer performance after missing sleep, aside from unregenerated neurons, could be the fact that since the parietal lobe is not usually used to performing tasks such as these it is not as adept at carrying them out. Therefore, when control switches from the temporal lobe to the parietal lobe some speed and accuracy is naturally lost. Interestingly, sleep deprived subjects have been shown to have better short-term memory abilities than their well-rested counterparts (6). Since memory is associated with this region of the cerebral cortex the fact that it is already active in sleep deprived people could make it easier for new synapses to be created, thus forming new short-term memories more easily.

While activity is seen within the parietal lobes of rested people as they think through math problems no corresponding activity is visible within the brains of sleep-deprived subjects. Also, no new area of the brain becomes active while the sleep deprived people work on math problems. Since sleep deprived people can still complete math problems, albeit with less speed and accuracy than a well-rested individual, this data implies that a region of the brain already in use is used for this task (1).

The frontal lobe is the most fascinating section of the brain with relation to sleep deprivation. Its functions are associated with speech as well as novel and creative thinking (5). Sleep deprived test subjects have difficulties thinking of imaginative words or ideas. Instead, they tend to choose repetitious words or clichéd phrases. Also, a sleep-deprived individual is less able to deliver a statement well. The subject may show signs of slurred speech, stuttering, speaking in a monotone voice, or speaking at a slower pace than usual (6). Subjects in research studies also have a more difficult time reacting well to unpredicted rapid changes. Sleep deprived people do not have the speed or creative abilities to cope with making quick but logical decisions, nor do they have the ability to implement them well. Studies have demonstrated that a lack of sleep impairs one's ability to simultaneously focus on several different related tasks, reducing the speed as well as the efficiency of one's actions (8). A person may be able to react to a complex scenario when suddenly presented with it but, similar to the verbal tests, the subject will most likely pick an unoriginal solution. If presented with a similar situation multiple times with slight variations in the information presented the subject chooses the same solution, even though it might not be as applicable to the new senario (9).

Part of the frontal lobe, the prefrontal cortex, has several functions specifically coupled with it. Judgment, impulse control, attention, and visual association have all been related to this region of the cerebral cortex (8). A recent study has shown that the prefrontal cortex, usually the most active area of the brain in rested individuals, becomes more active as a person remains awake for long periods of time (3), (4). This region regenerates during the first stage of sleep, giving a person the ability to feel somewhat refreshed after only a short nap (5). The length of the first stage of sleep cycle is somewhat dependant upon how long the person had previously been awake. The longer the period of wakefulness, the longer the brain remains in the first stage of sleep. When the brain enters into the REM stage of sleep the prefrontal cortex is active once more.

The implications of this data seem to be fairly important in supporting the location of the I-function within the brain. The prefrontal cortex is active whenever a person is awake, no matter how little sleep they have had. Also, this area is active while dreaming. Since the individual is aware of him or herself during both of these instances, but is not aware during the stages of sleep when the prefrontal cortex is shut down, it seems logical that the I-function is located within this region. This indicates that the I-function is what is resting and regenerating during the first stage of sleep. It would be interesting to study prefrontal cortex activity while a person is conscious, but unaware of his or her actions, due to an influence such as drugs or alcohol. According to the results of the sleep deprivation studies little or no activity should be seen in the prefrontal cortex at anytime when the individual is unaware of his or herself.

One of the symptoms of prolonged sleep deprivation is hallucinations (10). This could also be related to the I-function since it is the system that integrates the input from all other areas of the brain. If the neurons composing the I-function become too taxed then the picture in the head that the I-function produces may be more dissimilar from reality than usual. The neurons, under pressure to continue functioning but unable to perform optimally, create an image useful enough for a person to see most of his or her surroundings. Metabolic activity in the prefrontal cortex can drop as much as eleven percent after a person has missed sleep for only twenty four hours (8). As a person loses more sleep or continues to receive less-than-adequate amounts of sleep the neurons become even more taxed and the I-function may begin to generate even less coherent images possibly resulting in temporary insanity.

Another piece of evidence supporting the location of the I-function is that mammals have REM sleep whereas cold-blooded animals do not and mammals have a neocortex, located within the prefrontal cortex, while cold-blooded animals do not. REM sleep stimulates areas of the brain used for learning and memory (10). When a person is taught a new skill his or her performance does not improve until he or she receives at least eight hours of sleep (11). An extended period of sleep ensures that the brain will be able to complete the full sleep cycle, including REM sleep. The necessity of sleep for learning could be due to the fact that sleep increases the production of proteins while reducing the rate at which they are broken down (10). Proteins are used to regenerate the neurons within the brain. Without them new synapses may not be able to be formed, thus limiting the amount of information a sleep-deprived individual can maintain.

One of the possible side effects of a continued lack of sleep is death. Usually this is the result of the fact that the immune system is weakened without sleep. The number of white blood cells within the body decreases, as does the activity of the remaining white blood cells. The body also decreases the amount of growth hormone produced (8). The ability of the body to metabolize sugar declines, turning sugar into fat. One study stated that people who sleep less than four hours per night are three times more likely to die within the next six years (11). Although the longest a human has remained awake was eleven days rats that are continually deprived of sleep die within two to five weeks, generally due to their severely weakened immune system (10), (11), (12).

In a way sleep deprivation studies help us to study the relationship between the brain and behavior in a very unique way by observing how a person's behavior changes as the brain shuts down. By taking images of the brain showing where activity is located it is possible to correlate the behavior exhibited by a subject with his or her brain patterns. Just like a person cannot jog for three continuous days a person's brain cannot operate without rest breaks. Since different regions of the brain rest during different stages of the sleep cycle, sleep cannot be cut short. In fact, if the brain does not receive a break it will soon begin to shut down for periods of microsleep. This is essentially several seconds of actual sleep; delta waves that interrupt the regular EEG of an awake person thereby impairing his or her continuity of cognitive function. Microsleep generally happens directly before performance failure occurs (8). Without sleep our brains deteriorate, and if the argument that brain=behavior is true, then our behavior will also suffer accordingly.
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« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2009, 08:23:28 AM »

First up is respect!  Is it not important to set healthy boundaries if a fight begins at bed time then I have told my partner to 1) we shall discuss it tomorrow or 2) I set aside one day a week or every other week to have out problem discussions.  I have no problem telling my mate that I prefer not to speak to any problem an any time and that it needs to be scheduled.  Sometimes it works out ok to bring something up when it is happening to get it nailed down.  I believe the best time to discuss issues is when were having a great day and on top of life, not on a bad day when life is ahead of us. 

I have recently come to learn that I have Sleep Apnea = Not getting a good nights sleep, sleeping through the day, snoring loud at night.  This has caused issues with my mates my whole adult life, so I am watching my diet, and getting rid of 20 lbs and doing what it takes to be healthy and rid it.  THANK YOU DR. OZ! 

Interesting how my BPD's GF's used this to have me sleep in a seperate rooms, which looking back it was ok, but is was every night? WHT? Not normal and they used it to block intimacy.  My parents slept in seperate beds and I refuse to do it EVERYNIGHT anymore.  Spooning, cuddling, and waking up together is so wonderful and healthy and I shall not deprive my self of the healing and naturalness of being with the one I care about and love any further.     





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« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2010, 02:29:18 PM »

This is long, but I feel it very important to share from my personal experience.

I haven't posted for a very long time - there's too much to catch ppl up on and I wouldn't know where to start - but this grabbed my attention as it was one of the MAJOR tactics my stbxuBPDw used OVER and OVER again in the final months and weeks where I still had the great misfortune of living with her. 

I think characterizing it as "emotional abuse" doesn't go far enough; it's that plus PHYSICAL ABUSE.  By deliberately depriving you of sleep, it greatly compromises your functioning the next day and (especially if it's the accumulated effect of several nights) likely several days.  It increases the risk of a car accident (when you're driving, and I suppose even when you're not !), compromises your functioning at work (and even elevating the risk of losing your job) and has a host of general adverse physical effects that are too numerous to mention.  Think even of secondary effects, such as making you too tired to do your regular exercise routine the next day.

I lost count of how many nights BP raged at me just as we were going to bed, or sometimes at 3am... .often lasting a very long time, sometimes hours.  What _are the reasonable solutions then and there, indeed ?  Often times I did move to another room, where there was a recliner, couch or air mattress.  More often than not, she would follow me to that room and, if I had the door locked, would pound on the door INCESSANTLY and SCREAM at the top of her lungs.  (Luckily, she never managed to break the door down... .)  If I was using the air mattress and there was no door there, she might go ahead and puncture the mattress.  One time she even put a cat down on top of it and claimed the cat did it when clearly that wasn't the case (she thought I was asleep and didn't know, but that wasn't true... .).

Most insidious and ironic about this was the frequency of this happening on WORKNIGHTS... .ironic in the sense that she was completely dependent on my job and its income for her own well-being !  I mean, talk about shooting yourself in the foot... .but that irony, like so many others, was totally lost on her as her short-term childish raging clearly edged out any ability to think rationally and appreciate longer-term consequences... .

Lying in bed and pretending I couldn't "hear" never worked... .she would just shout more and more loudly.  And then if I still "held my ground", it might escalate into her punching and kicking me (which, as you can appreciate, was one of the major contributing factors towards my deciding to leave her for good).

Only a couple of times did I seek the solution of sleeping elsewhere (e.g., a motel).  Money-wise it was hard to absorb (ironically because her sickness had drained us of nearly all available cash and credit, whether because of her direct actions or my stupid enablement), and it did require planning.  I have a breathing apparatus I need at night, and that had to be packed up (and yes, once she physically damaged it and I had to spend a couple of hours, at 4 or so AM, fixing it). 

At times an easier solution, as with many arguments at many times of day over the years, was to just get the f--- out and drive around in my car for a while, then come back when I knew her to be asleep (all that expended energy had to lead to sleepiness at some point, right... .?).  Then, yes, it would be easier to settle into another room without the huge risk of her disrupting me further... .and I'd end up leaving for while she was still snoozing away to her regular weekday wake-up time of 9 or so.  However, perhaps this solution is a good example of a microcosm of the relationship as a whole back then... .I found a "solution" that technically saved a lot of additional heartache and bad blood short-term, but it still compromised me greatly.  I'd have to be driving around for an hour or two at night, already tired while doing so, only to have to come back and go to bed at a much later time than planned, in a physically more uncomfortable setting (air mattress, couch, etc.).  Though it was better than being raged at for 3 hours, it still compromised me and my work greatly.  How representative of the accommodations, the very uncomfortable compromises we nons have to make day after day to just keep the peace and even have a semblance of a chance of functioning. 

Though I hope to update elsewhere more fully at some point, it's been well over a year of separate living and minimal contact at best... .and I look back at these old situations and they're just inconceivable to me now.  How in the world did I allow myself to put up with that horses--t for as long as I did, I keep asking myself ?  Well, it helps to be out in the world exposed to more people (including a few "normal" ones !), more often, with much greater control over how I apportion my time and energy.  But back in the bad old days it was definitely a life in the "FOG"... .relative to the crap I'd already had to put up with for all the years I had, the sleep deprivation was just par for the course.  Or I'd write it off as a bad "phase" for her etc.  (A phase, it seems, that was never going to end... .)

Knock on wood, but I'm so much better off now.  I have more energy than ever, am doing and accomplishing a lot more things (especially ones that are greatly fulfilling to me personally) and taking much better physical/mental care of myself.  In fact, at times, I get "accused" of being a bit _too "manic" and taking on a bit _too much (in terms of activities, events, volunteer work, etc.)... .and maybe there's a point there... .perhaps I'm just trying really hard to make up for lost time.  I sleep much better and consciously allocate suitable time and energy for regular, intense (and intensely rewarding) physical exercise... .much as I'd done _before I became entangled w/ BP.  And my friends it doesn't go unnoticed by the ladies... .;^)

Oh, that... .I'm finding that one of the toughest aspects of post-separation adjustment is indeed in forming friendships/relationships w/ the opposite gender (and yes I'm speaking as a straight man).  It's gone in fits and starts and I can understand why... .subject for another post on another thread someday.  But I find myself improving in that regard by the week... .I think a lot of the probs. I've encountered are common to anyone who's separated in any context, while others indeed are tied into a history w/ living (for far too long) w/ a BP.  I've seen PTSD symptoms noted here in that regard and it makes sense.  How easy it is to be on hair-trigger alert w/ any woman and _assume they're about to rage (when they aren't) or _assume that any slight change in mood is automatically an idealization/devaluation flip (when it isn't)... .it's hard to assimilate "normal".  (And harder still to understand that all women are not narcissists [like my BP almost certainly was]... .I'm totally amazed at how some clearly attractive women w/ so much going for them don't seem to "get" that... .but it does come as a shock to me after so many years of living w/ "G-d's gift to men"... .)

And yes... .making new friends/acquaintances, reconnecting with old ones, travelling like I haven't done in eons... .it really is much better "out here" !  I still have an extremely long way to go, including what I'm sure will be the utter living hell of getting a divorce, recovering financially after years of throwing money into a bottomless pit... .but at least I feel I have a better foundation from which now to do such things... .more energy, better outlook, more hope... .

Sorry to go off-topic but the main point is... .if your SO is engaging in the PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE sleep deprivation tactics being discussed here, consider your short and long term options as FULLY OBJECTIVELY as possible... .try to step back and get a reality check and even get some input from others... .I CANNOT personally think of a single rational justification for continuing to put up with that !  Not one !
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« Reply #5 on: July 26, 2010, 04:13:06 PM »

One member, Blossom, also mentioned the effect of lack of sleep on the partner with BPD:

Excerpt
I was reading this thread with interest. ... .I wondered if a good addition to the thread would be to mention sleep hygiene - my BPDh improved a lot at night once his sleep hygiene was better.

Great thought, Blossom!  We think about sleep deprivation and its impact on us... .  But if the pwBPD in our life isn't sleeping, that's going to add to their difficult behaviors.
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« Reply #6 on: August 12, 2010, 03:46:58 PM »

Hi Joanna,

Thanks so much for this post. My oldest son uses sleep deprivation on his mum. I never thought of it as abuse before. Once I did, everything seemed to make sense.

I passed the link along to his mum, hopefully something here will strike a cord in her, I really liked the idea about locking the door to the bedroom!

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« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2011, 09:49:35 AM »

This topic is a real eye opener.

My biggest scare is the midnight rage... .forced loving, arguments and chats.

Many times the sleep deprivation seems like a BPD tactic to ambush its partner that it cannot ambush during the other hours.

Im scared to read that the midnight rage on a sleeping partner will escalate to physical violence... .will wait and watch for that.

I realised that we never slept before 1:30 am after marriage... .which is something that I still dont understand. I will make sure we sleep early from today... .lets see if this "midnight ambush" is a part of the BPD script!
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« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2011, 03:13:19 PM »

If uBPDbf is upset about something and turns over in bed as if to go to sleep, then I turn off the light and try to sleep, he will either flip flop and move around a lot, passively aggressively keeping me awake, or get up and go in and out of the bedroom a lot, being noisy in closing the door.

Any other time he needs to go out of the bedroom after bedtime he makes an effort to be quiet since I have to get up early.

I am a light sleeper so he knows he is keeping me awake. Sometimes we joke about it later, but while he is doing it I never give him the satisfaction of knowing I am awake.

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« Reply #9 on: August 11, 2011, 03:42:27 PM »

my xBPDw used to let me get to sleep then wake me in a rage , ripping back the bed covers and was annoyed that i was asleep when she was awake.  When i think back on it now it was yet another cruel abuse technique, it makes me wonder where do they learn such techniques
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« Reply #10 on: August 11, 2011, 04:30:56 PM »

This has always been an issue with my BPDw.  She doesn't sleep well, is somewhat of a night owl, and her main solution is use me to help her get to sleep.  Of course I love her and want to help, but not at the expense of me getting sleep too.

Issue 1: she comes to bed, waits until my head is on pillow and lights are out and then tells me how badly she feels about us or brings up some other contentious topic.  This was the first boundary I had to apply.  I told her I was willing to discuss things before 10pm, but after that no deal.  This is relatively easy to enforce.

Issue 2: Touching.  I am a very light sleeper.  In order to sleep in the same bed, I need to separate snuggle time from sleep time.  Snuggling keeps me awake.  Our initial routine was me on my back holding her for ten minutes followed by me spooning her for 10 minutes, then I could go to sleep.  If I didn't do this and she wasn't asleep then she would roll over into my space and make contact most of the night, which for me meant very little sleep.  I was finally agreed to help snuggle her for a bit if she was in bed at a reasonable time, but then to let me roll over and sleep.  She really hated this and kept telling me how I just didn't want to touch her and didn't want to be with her.  I can't convince her otherwise, so I ended up validating and stopped trying to convince her.  The problem now is that in the middle of the night she rolls over and pushes against me often--waking me up.  I actually sneak a big pillow in between us right as we are going to sleep to try an make a barrier, but it doesn't always work.  For sleep purposes I love the idea of separate beds or rooms, but that would be a real trigger for her.  As long as I'm close to my sleep need window I will try to avoid that unless absolutely needed.

I really don't like the idea of feeling obligated to snuggle her to sleep and also of having to put props in bed to help me sleep, but it does get the job done.
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« Reply #11 on: August 11, 2011, 06:35:39 PM »

This just happened to me last night.  It wasn't the first time.  I'm in advanced graduate studies and when this happens, it can dull me mentally for three or four days.  I overslept and got very little done today.  And this was a result of me answering the phone after it went off twice at 2am.  We haven't even talked in a month.  I think it was my fault.  She sent a very sweet email and I sent a nice one back (albeit one that also agreed we were apart and would remain that way).  The next think I know, I'm asking her to go to counselling and she's not saying yes, and she's saying her kids hate me and I have to make amends with them first. That was due to the breakup a month ago.
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« Reply #12 on: February 06, 2014, 09:22:35 AM »

I do not have permission to access this link. 

Is it still valid?


Excerpt

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« Reply #13 on: February 06, 2014, 09:47:01 AM »



This is exactly what my uBPD wife does all the time.

It is also a trigger for her if I try to get sleep in a separated room.

If I went to a separate room, after a while, she will come and beg me back, and then try to argue again.  Then I 'ved tried working with S.E.T. However, it usually takes a few hours, which effectively deprived part of my sleep. 

If she gets really angry, then I can have a good sleep that night.  However, the angry will fire back on my the next day.   It usually take days for her to wear off the anger, when we can actually talk. 

As for the effects, yes, it is really bad.   Not only that I cannot work properly, I start to lose my mind after a few days of sleep deprivation.  Sometimes, I will do crazy things just like her, I think that is a good mood to be controlled.  Also, I think she will be in better shape the next day if she slept well.

I am not sure it is on purpose or what.  But she did not look like that way.  She probably feels more comfortable to talk something over at night.   As for the few hours needed to resolve, I think it is common for all BPD reactions: they cannot defuse their bad feelings as quick as we can.

There seems to be no good way out.  I forget to mention, sometimes I really stand up to fight for my boundries with respect.  She will still try to argue, but probably understanding that she won't win, she will become tired and fall sleep.  That is a practical way of getting out but still sad. 


This has always been an issue with my BPDw.  She doesn't sleep well, is somewhat of a night owl, and her main solution is use me to help her get to sleep.  Of course I love her and want to help, but not at the expense of me getting sleep too.

Issue 1: she comes to bed, waits until my head is on pillow and lights are out and then tells me how badly she feels about us or brings up some other contentious topic.  This was the first boundary I had to apply.  I told her I was willing to discuss things before 10pm, but after that no deal.  This is relatively easy to enforce.

Issue 2: Touching.  I am a very light sleeper.  In order to sleep in the same bed, I need to separate snuggle time from sleep time.  Snuggling keeps me awake.  Our initial routine was me on my back holding her for ten minutes followed by me spooning her for 10 minutes, then I could go to sleep.  If I didn't do this and she wasn't asleep then she would roll over into my space and make contact most of the night, which for me meant very little sleep.  I was finally agreed to help snuggle her for a bit if she was in bed at a reasonable time, but then to let me roll over and sleep.  She really hated this and kept telling me how I just didn't want to touch her and didn't want to be with her.  I can't convince her otherwise, so I ended up validating and stopped trying to convince her.  The problem now is that in the middle of the night she rolls over and pushes against me often--waking me up.  I actually sneak a big pillow in between us right as we are going to sleep to try an make a barrier, but it doesn't always work.  For sleep purposes I love the idea of separate beds or rooms, but that would be a real trigger for her.  As long as I'm close to my sleep need window I will try to avoid that unless absolutely needed.

I really don't like the idea of feeling obligated to snuggle her to sleep and also of having to put props in bed to help me sleep, but it does get the job done.

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ptilda
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 243


« Reply #14 on: August 06, 2015, 09:00:11 AM »

My uBPDh gets up early and wakes me to start a fight. He'll say, "we'll talk about this tomorrow," and then wake me at 5 am demanding I discuss the matter with him. It's amazing and helpful to see this as a BP trait.
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