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Author Topic: The Bridge (Fable) - Edwin H. Friedman  (Read 17090 times)
solost12
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« Reply #30 on: October 23, 2009, 06:30:56 PM »

This is a horrible condition.  I have this dream of a family where everyone loves each other.  To have a sister that I am close to.  I see my husband's family and they are so close and have welcomed me and made me a part of that family but it's not mine.

lbmeyer,

Dear heart, I feel your pain so much!  I'm so sorry that your family is in so much turmoil, but you are very blessed that your husband's family has welcomed you.  So many don't even have that.  It's sad but true that we can't choose our families...it's the Forrest Gump expression that life is like a box of chocolates - you never know what you're going to get.  Substitute "life" for "family" in that quote and there you have it.  Please don't give up hope.  I've been enabling my son since he was a teen-ager, and I'm at last realizing the harm I've done, and I'm determined to REALLY help him by letting him take the consequences of his actions and hopefully get better through therapy, too.  So it's not too late for your parents, either.  You never know what might be the moment when one or both of them wakes up and starts making a change.  I'm glad you're here on this site.   x
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solost12
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« Reply #31 on: October 23, 2009, 07:36:45 PM »

But I ask, which is worse hanging on or living with the guilt once you've let go?  My husband & I are NC with BPD d since January 2009 and he can barely stand himself because of the guilt he suffers.  I am in the process of finding a counselor to help him work through his feelings. 

There's the rub!  That's what I've been dealing with for years...basically trying to figure out the lesser of two evils, if you will.  Is it worth all the suffering and worry and financial hardship to at least keep your loved one in your life at whatever cost, or is it harder to live with the fear and guilt, possibly forever, of letting them go?

Well, right now I'm FURIOUS with my son, and I must admit the anger is decidedly more pleasant to deal with  than the tears and guilt and helplessness I'm usually feeling.  He is in counseling, and because he's 35 years old, of course all of his sessions are confidential, nothing can be shared with me, etc.  I'm fine with that - I want his therapy to be a safe place where he can say whatever he wants and hopefully get the help he needs.  He's probably had about 8 or so sessions.  I must admit I don't know what it's OK for me to share with his therapist - if anything - but there has been soo much drama going on for the past few weeks that I've been an emotional wreck.  My son has called me and cried for hours on end about his ex-gf at all hours and while I'm at work, at home, asleep, whatever. I've comforted him, listened to him, given him advice, blah blah blah...always about him because my heart has been aching for all the pain he's been going through. I've been worried about his mental state, he either calls me constantly or doesn't call me for days so I've been worried whether he's ok or suicidal.  He's lost his job, he's been arrested, he had a hearing today, he has a court date in the future, etc etc etc.  On top of this, I've just been waiting, knowing that he would be asking any day for money for groceries, money for rent, money for bills, money, money money. And that's just been over the past few weeks.  This doesn't list all times over the years I've bailed him out of jail for various things, paid for lawyers, co-signed on a car for him he had reposessed that affected my credit for years, sent him thousands of dollars over the years so that he could pay rent, bills, etc.  I've bought him furniture, I just gave him my extra TV and gave him my $300 bar stools (no, I don't need them, so it was no great loss to me, but still...), I've moved furniture for him when roommates kicked him out of the apartment for not paying rent, he's used my gas credit card without my knowledge (many years ago, but still...), he's probably bought me one or two Christmas and birthday presents in his entire adult life, and the same for even sending a birthday card (although he always has money to buy presents/cards for the current gf.) For HIS birthday this year I paid over $600 for hotels in Napa Valley for him and his gf,  and the list goes on and on and on.  It actually sickens me to write all this down...I don't think I've ever realized how much money and agony I've spent on this child of mine.  He's gone through numerous jobs, never has any money (he's always blamed that on the fact that "no one ever taught me how to handle money when I was a kid." I want to throw up and I feel like the world's biggest idiot.  He has played me and manipulated me and knows exactly what buttons to push to make me feel guilty and full of pain for him.

Now...here's the clincher...as I said above, I haven't wanted to cross any lines with his therapist, because he needs this help and I know their sessions are confidential and rightfully so.  I did send an email to his therapist the other night because I do want to start setting boundaries.  With all the drama he's been dealing with and with his severe depression over the past month, I wasn't sure whether it was safe to start setting those boundaries now (specifically about sending him money) or if I should wait until he was in a more stable place. I've never told her or shared anything with her about him other than that I'm very worried about him and that I appreciate her being there for him.  I did ask her if she could tell me if it would be harmful for him at this point if I set some financial boundaries for him because I can't go on much more with the financial and emotional roller coaster. 

Well, of course.I get a text message today: "Mom, I need some money for food. I get my unemployment check Monday."  I told him we need to talk about that.  I was hoping I would get a response from his therapist before I had to address that issue this time. He saw his therapist today and she told him that I had emailed her and that she felt awkward about responding.  Seems weird to me, but I'm not second-guessing her...she IS the therapist and maybe I crossed a line.  But of course he was upset...told me this was HIS therepy etc.  I agreed with him but did tell him I was only contacting her to see if he was in a place where some decisions could be made on my part.  I'm sure that sounded threatening to him, but then he started on a tangent of telling me how much in love with his ex-gf he is and how he RESPECTS HER FOR THE BOUNDARIES SHE'S SET FOR HIM (basically refusing to see him unless he gets his life in order - go figure!) He went on and on and on until finally I told him I GET IT! Then I said it was time for me to set boundaries too, so no more money.  I told him I'll continue paying for therapy and I had already told him I would pay to get his car fixed, so I'll stand by that, but no more money for other things.  He was so mad...began yelling, telling me I'm his mom and the only person he has.  I told him he's the reason he doesn't have anyone else.  He was incredulous..."I'M the reason?" he said.  I said yes.  So he hung up on me.  Then, a few minutes later I get a text message: "One of the MAIN reasons I am in therapy right now is because of exactly how you're being right now...my whole life you've been like this."

Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh!  Is this classic BPD behavior or what?  I didn't bother to answer, but I could surely respond by saying, "Yes, and this is the MAIN reason I need therapy...your whole life you've been like this."

OK, I'm sure a zillion of you are judging me now for this whole laundry list of enabling acts I've committed over the years and the crappy way he's treated me. I know I've left out a bunch of stuff...it's hard to remember it all!  And as I said, I fel like an idiot...the world's biggest fool for putting up with all this crap.  My daughters, NO ONE knows all this stuff but you...I've never admitted it all.  Boy, I need help, right?  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

Wow it was nice to get that off my chest.  I feel better than I have in a month.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

If any of you are still reading at this point, thanks for hanging in there! 
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« Reply #32 on: October 23, 2009, 08:38:00 PM »

Dear solost12

I am soo proud of you!  You deserve a great big    for not only starting to set some boundaries but for getting all of that off your chest!  Whew!  I'm glad you've decided to be the man on the bridge no longer.

It's a decision wrought with pain but it sounds like you are feeling better about it already.  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #33 on: October 24, 2009, 11:43:28 AM »

pennifree, thank you so much for your kind words.  Of course, now that the adrenaline has subsided, I'm second-guessing myself!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)  But not really - when I look at the list of things I wrote down about my son's behavior, I know that I'm doing the right things by starting to look after myself and set boundaries.  I'm just not sure I've done it the right way.  I'm still new enough to the BPD situation to not know what the BEST way to handle things is.  I saw a post from Randi Kreger under the Articles category about a NY Times article about BPD.  Here's part of what Randi said, "While people may rush into setting limits, it’s vital that they do some work on themselves, first. They need to know just what’s keeping them stuck. The usual suspects are fear, obligation, guilt, low-self esteem, the need to rescue, and unhealthy bonds forged by abuse (the “Stockholm Syndrome.”) It is better to set no limits at all than set limits badly, because you can actually increase the problematic behavior." 

My concern is that I rushed into setting this boundary of telling him I won't give him any more money. (I know, I know, after all these years one could hardly say I "rushed" into setting limits!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post))  But what I mean is, I didn't do the work on myself first.  I had tried to find out from his therapist if it was OK at this point to set the boundary, but of course that backfired and my son got mad at me for communicating with his therapist. So I set the limit anyway.  I think I may have set the limit badly, as Randi says.  And to be honest, my son't response to me that I've been doing this to him all his life has a grain of truth to it.  I've gotten to a low point so many times with his behavior and set limts...and then wasn't able to stick by them. So I've compounded the situation, and as Randi says, I may have actually increased the problematic behavior. 

Gosh, I'm tired of this stuff consuming me!  I'm going to go get my hair cut and have a "me" day! (I can't even tell you how selfish that sounds to me - my son has no food and I'm going to get my hair cut and have a "me" day.)  I have GOT to get into therapy for myself!  Thanks as always for listening, dear friends! 
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« Reply #34 on: October 25, 2009, 05:32:09 AM »

Oh Solost12!  I feel ya  x!

You did the right thing.  I just had to chuckle when read this quote:

"One of the MAIN reasons I am in therapy right now is because of exactly how you're being right now...my whole life you've been like this."

My BPD 21 yr old daughter has said those exact words!  I could list just as many "gifts".  The last one was a trip to Vegas for her 21st birthday.  She spent most of her time texting & talking to her boyfriend at the time.  Very annoying!

Glad you took a "me day"!  You deserve it.  Sounds like you've had enough of the rescuing.  I know I sure have had enough.

I hope your week gets even better    x

JustWantMyJoyBack
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« Reply #35 on: October 25, 2009, 09:27:27 AM »

 x  solost12,

When they hang up I've learned that what I just is said is right on target. Then the hard part is to leave the silence in place and not call or text back!  I have learned so much here that has helped me to let go more and more, yet also has allowed me to keep loving my D23.

Worry about doing it "right", is she ready for my boundaries, etc etc etc - all that does is freeze me into having my hot buttons pushed and totally giving myself away to my D. I have been really working on taking my life back, rebuilding my relationship with my dh that I was sacrificing for my D as well, and focusing on what is best for my precious GD4 that dh and I have chosen to raise. But you can't wait until you get it all "right" to start setting the boundaries, and none of us is perfect in sticking to them. So choose what you  are willing to help with, and then do your best to say no to eveything else then leave the room or say I am hanging up now when the heat turns on. And keep reading the books and articles and reading the posts here and pposting to get it off your chest.

And the calls to the therapist - man have I been there. And the therapist always lets my D know I called and left a really long message about "my side of the story". But I start my message out stating I know there can be no reply as this is a confidential relationship with D, but I also know she does not tell the  "whole story" and really need my side spoken out loud. And I have no shame about it when D brings it up after a therapy session and I remind her that I don't expect any response from the T.

One of my commitments is to provide transportation for my D to her appts., but I have set the limit that it has to be on Wed or Fri when I am not working - and I buy her bus passes for public transportation so she can choose to go without me - so i sometimes get the full blast of it after the session, then she ends up on the curb walking or getting the bus home! I have even called the police to get her out of my car when she refused stop yelling at me. I pull over and get out of the car and wait for her to calm down or leave! Learning to do this and not feel bad about it has sure been a difficult process, but it works. Then i fall apart later when she is not around. Poor dh  :'(
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« Reply #36 on: October 25, 2009, 09:36:58 PM »

dear solost,

a boundary is only set badly if the cost in consequences is one you are not willing to pay.

the first boundary i ever set was done unknowingly.  (i hadn't read swoes yet or come to this site as my d had not been dx with BPD yet)  it was no small boundary either. it pertained to her threats of suicide  and threatening to run away.  i told my d every time you threaten to kill  yourself i will call the police.  every time you run away i will call the police.  and i have only had to do that once.  that's all it took.  i do have a history of say-what-you-mean-and-mean-what-you-say behavior.  if i say it, i'll do it and d knows this. perhaps that is why boundaries work so well in our situation.  if you have a mixed history of inconsistent follow through it may take more time to establish firm boundaries.  the more boundaries you put down and follow through on the quicker the BPD will catch on.  my history was started a long time ago when d was just a 3 yr. old so she has had a lot of experience with boundaries too.

sometimes you just have to jump in and lay it on the line.  stick with your decision. if you need to start small.  like :  "this is the last time i will come pick you up after 10:00pm.  from now on you will need to find another ride or stay where you are"  and the next time he calls at 10:00pm remind him of your boundary and don't go get him...period!  so what if he rages, so what if he blames you because he had to pay someone for gas.  SO WHAT! 

every time you are consistent he has a learning opportunity.  every time you protect yourself from use and abuse he has an opportunity to learn that other people have rights and feelings too.  every time you choose not to engage in an argument he can learn that people have choices in their behavior and he does too.  every time you are consistent, protect yourself, and walk away with dignity you grow stronger in your ability to help him.  if you can do all these things with one boundary, your can do them with 10 or 20.  boundaries are about you and they are a great life lesson for our BPD's that we so much want to help.

don't be afraid.  think about all the possible consequences.  keep a clear perspective and what the goal is,.  don't get lost in the sauce.  you can do it.  it is part of letting go of control and letting our children learn how the real world works.

be the strong person you are inside.  you must be very strong to have made it this far.  draw on your love for your son and your hope for him.  that is what gives me the courage to let go and lay it all out for my BPD13.  i believe in her ability to be whole!

x

lbjnltx
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« Reply #37 on: October 25, 2009, 09:58:54 PM »

Have had a great weekend and felt so free! My son hasn't tried to contact me all weekend since the accusing text message he sent me Friday. Until today.  He called a few hours and I didn't answer the phone. My stomach dropped and I literally felt my good mood start draining away as all kinds of worries starting eating at me.  I felt myself shaking and it was if I had a weekend pass and now it's time to go back to prison.  I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone because I just didn't want it to start all over again.

I imagine he was calling to

a) apologize and ask for money

b) not apologize and ask for money

c) tell me that he's starving because he has no food in the house and ask for money

d) fill me in on a new drama in his life and ask for money

e) update me on the current drama and ask for money

f) tell me how depressed and alone he is and how I'm the only person he can turn to and ask for money

g) none of the above and ask for money

h) none of the above and pretend everything's allright and NOT ask for money.  But call me back tomorrow and ask for money. 

He posted an obscure message on his Facebook today that said he is "is tired, tired of everything... tired of trying, tired of caring, absolutely f'ing tired."  (One of his friends posted back inviting him to a BBQ today...so at least he had the opportunity to eat today!)

My stomach is still in knots because the "what if's" are swimming around in there..what if he really can't take it anymore and endangers himself?  What if he really is in trouble and I didn't pick up the phone and I haven't called him back?  What if... what if... what if...my head is swimming, my heart is racing  and my nerves are on edge and I feel like a terrible mother because I've cut him off financially out of the blue. 

I really love him, and somewhere deep inside me is the very real belief that I brought this person into the world and that makes me responsible for him forever.  I'm struggling with this spiritually as well as emotionally.  Trying to be strong...reading posts here and all the stuff I've printed to keep me sane and strong.  I also keep reading "the list" I wrote in the earlier post.  That's kind of like a splash of cold water every time I read it. 

I guess I just want him to know he isn't all alone. Funny...the message he posted on his Facebook page is exactly how I feel...so f'ing tired.
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« Reply #38 on: October 25, 2009, 10:05:02 PM »

lbjnltx,

I didn't see your post until I just posted mine.  Wow...I so envy your ability to stick to the things you say and follow through on them.  That's truly awesome and I have no doubt that if I had done this years ago we wouldn't be in the place we are right now.  But hindsight is 20/20.  Your post makes me feel stronger and makes so much sense.  I need to set boundaries I can live with and start small if I have to.  I'm going to remember this.  Thank you!  It's amazing what I'm learning here!   x
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« Reply #39 on: October 25, 2009, 10:06:54 PM »

dear solost,

go easy on yourself.  you brought him into this world and have tried to teach him what he needs to know to survive in it.  you have given him the tools he needs to fix himself.  you have carried him and his burdens when he could not.  you showed him how...now he must take charge of him and try.  if you rescue him, you rescue him from learning.  if you truly believe that he will try to take his own life call 911.  that is all you really can do.  

be strong!   Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

lbjnltx
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« Reply #40 on: October 25, 2009, 10:12:59 PM »

Have I told all of you here how wonderful you are and how brave you are and how much I appreciate you?  I feel a kinship here that I've never felt before.  I have to keep saying it...thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you for sharing your stories and for building me up when I'm so down.

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« Reply #41 on: October 26, 2009, 07:37:53 AM »

Solost,

One more thing I'd like to add...you have two other children that you have raised and they're not calling expecting you to bail them out at every turn.  I'm assuming that you raised them all the same way so...you CAN'T be a bad mother.  You have two other children without the drama and chaos in their lives.  Look at that and know that they still need you too.  They deserve to have a mom that loves them too.  Your son will do what he decides to do and like lbjnltx said, if you truly believe he is in danger call 911.  You do deserve to have a life and to take care of yourself too!  Also, you mentioned therapy for yourself.  You can't imagine how much it will help you.  It isn't easy but if you're willing to do the work with a good therapist you will feel so much better!
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« Reply #42 on: October 26, 2009, 09:14:23 AM »

dear lbmeyer,

welll put!

x

lbjnltx
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« Reply #43 on: October 26, 2009, 09:14:12 PM »

you have two other children that you have raised and they're not calling expecting you to bail them out at every turn.  I'm assuming that you raised them all the same way so...you CAN'T be a bad mother.  You have two other children without the drama and chaos in their lives.  Look at that and know that they still need you too.  They deserve to have a mom that loves them too. 

Thanks, lbmeyer.  This is an important reminder to me and I appreciate it.  Actually, I believe my older daughter does have quite a lot of anger and resentment built up inside toward me (and probably her dad, too) that shows itself by her words when we disagree on things.  However, this is nothing like my son's problems.  She is very independent and happy in her life otherwise and we have a good, loving relationship.  The more I study this situation with myself and my son, the more I understand that much of any anger that she may feel is because of what she's probably perceived as favoritism that I've exhibited toward her brother, and how I have allowed him to disrupt my life.  I mentioned this in a post above. She and my son also, unfortunately, had to live through some very unpleasant and sometimes violent arguments between their dad and myself when we were married.  Luckily, I got out of that mess, but of course there was fallout for everyone. No doubt this may have exacerbated my son's BPD and emotionally hurt my daughter. I have lots of fences to mend there, but I don't believe it's too late.  I would love for her to get some therapy too, to be able to express that anger and maybe understand this whole mess a little bit .  Maybe someday.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

My younger daughter is indeed a an emotionally healthy person and really seems to have her head on straight.  She was so young when her dad and I were married and divorced that she doesn't have any bad memories or anger toward us.  She went through normal teenage angst and hormonal drama  (I often wanted to rip her head off!  Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) and got through it with a wonderful attitude toward life and love.  She has actually told me many, many times what a great mom I am (wow, can't tell you how great that makes me feel!) and we are very close.

So...maybe I'm not such a terrible person after all.     I've made MANY misktakes and there is much that I would love to change about my own past behavior, but I think that's pretty normal. 

lbmeyer, you spoke truly when you said my other kids need me, too.  I do love them so much and all three of my kids deserve a mom who is there for them in a healthy way.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #44 on: October 26, 2009, 09:30:53 PM »

Can I ask from a parents point of view, why do yo keep on when you know that its not helping?

I can give you the same answer that probably dozens of others on this site would give you...FOG.  I've learned that term since I got here.  Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  I would actually change the term to FLOG...to include Fear, Love, Obligation, Guilt.  FLOG is probably a more accurate term, because I flog myself mentally for so many things I've done wrong and for not yet being able to let go. 

How like we as parents, to flog ourselves over our children! (if I were an emoticon, I'd be doing a wry wink)

I think your definition hits it dead on. It certainly describes the way I feel dealing with my PD daughter.

-GG
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« Reply #45 on: January 02, 2010, 12:52:58 AM »

I don't want to let go, because I will miss him... .OH wow! Miss what? Miss his BS, his anger, his immaturity, his lack of love, empathy, feelings?  No I will miss the good part, the part with all those sweet kind, caring, love filled smiles... HUH? TWISTED LIFE I sit in... .

I can't let go... .but I should... .

I'm so So SO familiar with the ambivalence present in this post.

The bridge, the rope... .I let go just recently. The craziest part is that I STILL find myself in the midst of the same ambivalance I struggled with throughout much of the relationship. :'( But I did let go of the rope.

Now if only I could figure out how to turn away from the side and keep walking across, walking forward on the journey. Right now I feel just left horrified by the whole situation, cowering in the exposure and the cold in the middle of the bridge.

The fable is fantastic, but it does seem that there is one part missing from it. The pts that results from the experience. The man in the fable who let go of the rope could surely not have let go and then just moved on in life blithely and without suffering ongoing struggles with remorse, "if only" questions, etc. The fable is great, but that part feels a little less real than human. ?
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« Reply #46 on: July 12, 2010, 10:54:00 PM »

After a talk with my counselor, I finally get what this metaphor is about.  

My uBPD wife made a choice on how she wants to treat me.  At some point, I will need to tell her that if things don't get better in 5 to 7 years (after the kids have grown up), I'm out of here.  

I'm tired of being her punching bag.  This isn't love, it's madness.

And so the journey continues...

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« Reply #47 on: July 12, 2010, 11:02:47 PM »

That's the first time I've ever read that.

Most perfect metaphor ever.

I hope things improve for you. x
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« Reply #48 on: July 12, 2010, 11:12:31 PM »

And what about the kids, what example can you set for them?

She won't change, not until she HAS to.  And even then, she still may not take the path toward recovery.  Telling her, "In 5 to 7 years, if... then..." virtually guarantees more conflict for another 5-7 years.  We all wish it would be her long anticipated wake up call, but experience tells us otherwise, especially if she can coast along as she is and doing just as she pleases for another few years.

When I asked, what can you do for the kids, I was thinking of this quote...

The book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce, published 1986, sheds light on the decades-long misguided policies that presumed that the mother was always the better parent.  (In your case, you are the better parent.)  Page 195 quotes one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."

I'm just saying, if the suffering goes on and on, what example will the kids have concerning marriage?  What sort of spouses will they seek?  Sure, they may think they would never get into the same predicament, but somehow the children gravitate into relationships all to similar to what they grew up around.
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« Reply #49 on: July 13, 2010, 06:16:32 AM »

This brings out the whole basis of ENLIGHTENMENT and of buddhism, that is to LET GO.

Let go of our guilt that others put on us (like BPD SO, or our children). LIke the man in the bridge story "I am YOUR responsibility". CHildren also put the same guilt on us as well.

Let go of the guilt WE PUT ON OTHERS AS WELL.
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« Reply #50 on: July 13, 2010, 08:52:54 PM »

During an arguement this evening, she told me that our marriage was "done" ten years ago.  She has no interest in forgiving each other, being gracious, and building something better.

Ten years ago was when I told her I didn't want anymore children.  Apparently, any husband worth his salt would have given his wife a fourth child, especially if it was for the purpose of having a baby girl (3 boys weren't enough).

Since I told her no, I've been fair game for sarcasm, anger, etc.

She has made her choice.  Just a matter of time before I let go of the rope. 
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« Reply #51 on: October 07, 2010, 11:53:16 AM »

The fable is fantastic, but it does seem that there is one part missing from it. The pts that results from the experience. The man in the fable who let go of the rope could surely not have let go and then just moved on in life blithely and without suffering ongoing struggles with remorse, "if only" questions, etc. The fable is great, but that part feels a little less real than human. ?

Wow to the fable, which I just read, and I'm replying in part because I suspect this will "move up" the fable so more can see it.  What a fitting metaphor.  Also, DownTheRabbitHole's point is well taken.  The way I read it, and we all have our own interpretations, none more right than the other, is the end is simply:   " 'I accept your choice,' he said, at last, and freed his hands."  The end is not, "and then, he continued his journey, got exactly what he wanted, and lived happily ever after."  So, I don't rule out there were consequences, emotional or otherwise, with his choice to let go.  But, they had to have been better than certain death.  A death that he chose to avoid.  A death that would have been "caused" by another.   It's a no-brainer trade.   I have no illusions about emerging from this ordeal unscathed.  Quite the contrary, this experience will shape me and my S7 for the rest of our lives.  We just have to make the best of what we have, and understand what it is we have, and more importantly, what it is we don't have as a result of letting go.  I hope to continue to participate on this board, for years to come.  Today is October 7, 2010, and I have no certainty what the future holds, but I do have an idea.   I look forward to looking back to this very post, mine right here, and seeing how my journey, and that of my son, continues.   For those who may be interested, I found this topic, story and thread as a result of a wise and perhaps weathered poster, DavidWebb.
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« Reply #52 on: October 13, 2010, 11:03:07 AM »

to let go of the rope may not mean to cut the BPD out of your life... .perhaps it will mean to "accept the choices" of a BPD... .to let go of the feeling or belief that one is responsible for the choices of a BPD... .that one has to fix the BPD... .

i let go of the rope that my daughter handed me... .through radical acceptance... .i am and will remain healthy and strong no matter what she says or does/doesn't do... .when i let go... .i was able to extend help to her and at the same time not fret over whether she accepts it or not/gets better or not... .letting go of the rope doesn't necessarily equal letting go of the relationship.

just my experience.

lbjnltx
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« Reply #53 on: October 24, 2010, 10:09:25 PM »

WOW.  Just saw this for the first time.

Thanks.

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« Reply #54 on: October 27, 2010, 01:34:09 PM »

to let go of the rope may not mean to cut the BPD out of your life... .perhaps it will mean to "accept the choices" of a BPD... .to let go of the feeling or belief that one is responsible for the choices of a BPD... .that one has to fix the BPD... .

i let go of the rope that my daughter handed me... .through radical acceptance... .i am and will remain healthy and strong no matter what she says or does/doesn't do... .when i let go... .i was able to extend help to her and at the same time not fret over whether she accepts it or not/gets better or not... .letting go of the rope doesn't necessarily equal letting go of the relationship.

Great point Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #55 on: October 29, 2010, 12:11:25 PM »

Wow... .so that pretty much sums it up! I can still remember when I began that journey, nothing in my way, nothing holding me back to achieving my life's aspirations.  Then came the bridge, and then the stranger, and then the rope, and before I knew it I was leaning against that bridge just trying to brace myself... .hold on long enough to figure out a solution.  I'm still holding onto that rope watching my uBPDh hang, like dead weight.  My back is beginning to hurt and my footing isn't quite stable... .but I'm still holding on.  Right now, I have hope that my h will begin to pull himself up as today he loves me... .tomorrow I may be more willing to let go as he inevitably will hate me.  Nonetheless, I'm getting tired, but this family I have found here is giving me the strength to get closer to the "right answer" for me Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you family... .you are loved!
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« Reply #56 on: August 06, 2012, 01:42:45 AM »

ouch!
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« Reply #57 on: August 06, 2012, 09:51:12 AM »

Thank you for posting this  lbjnltx!  I have heard a few people make reference to it, and wondered what the story was about.  I get it...and so many of us on this board feel that responsibility for our children.  The thought of letting go of the rope is so heartbreaking when you know the consequences, but it is ultimately their life and they need to own the decisions they make throughout it.  I really like the part where he makes suggestions on how to help himself - and they are rejected/ignored (I can so relate).  This is definitely a good metaphor to remember when we feel the weight of responsibility for our children! Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #58 on: August 07, 2012, 07:02:20 AM »

llbjnltx,

Thank you for printing that. It is such a heartbreaking decision to make. I think sometimes we should let go, but oh its so hard.

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« Reply #59 on: August 07, 2012, 01:20:55 PM »

Yes mymiracles,

It is so very very hard.

We have to ask ourselves "How will it help her if I go down with her?"

lbjnltx
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