Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 30, 2020, 02:36:22 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Poll
Question: This is a candidate for the web site.  How do you rate this article?
Excellent - 90 (88.2%)
Good - 8 (7.8%)
Fair - 4 (3.9%)
Poor - 0 (0%)
Total Voters: 101

Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: The Bridge (Fable) - Edwin H. Friedman  (Read 17093 times)
Violet719
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 240



« Reply #60 on: August 07, 2012, 04:55:42 PM »

There was a man who had given much thought to what he wanted

from life.

"You can't always get what you want." Hardly anyone does. But you can sometimes make a good life anyway.

He could see clearly, however, that he did not know this other.

I do know this other. She is part of me; I gave birth to her. That child is still in there, no matter who she seems to be now.

We have to ask ourselves "How will it help her if I go down with her?"

She carries my grandchild in her arms. If I can hang on long enough, the grandchild may be able to pull himself up. If I let go, they will both be lost.

"I accept your choice," he said, at last, and freed his hands.

Free hands at the price of a permanently broken heart. 

Not everyone will come to the same decision.  Not everyone has to.  There is no right answer that fits all.
Logged
Violet719
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 240



« Reply #61 on: August 07, 2012, 08:12:04 PM »

lbjnltx,

Sorry if my reply came across as argumentative. I didn't mean to criticize anyone's view of BPD or their choices about how to respond.  It was also clear who the author is. 

There are many ways to respond to this dilemma, and many points that could be open to interpretation, which is probably why the story was written in the first place. It's a story that may fit for some, but not for all.  I only meant to make the point that it's OK to make a different choice.
Logged
lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7766


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #62 on: August 07, 2012, 08:31:10 PM »

Yes Violet,

It is ok to make a different choice.

Instead of losing yourself in the chaos and pain of loving someone with BPD we can learn skills, stay centered, have compassion tempered by healthy boundaries.  We can create the most loving environment in which our beloved children can choose to heal.  We can show them what healthy living/healthy thinking/healthy choices look like by modeling these for them.

The point is...if we lose ourselves and can't be there for them in a healthy way how could we help them.

In your case with your precious grandchild...he needs you to be ok for him now...even if his mother chooses not to help herself your stable and loving presence in his life is extremely important. 

Excerpt
She carries my grandchild in her arms. If I can hang on long enough, the grandchild may be able to pull himself up. If I let go, they will both be lost.

There are many ways/ideas/beliefs that we may have to let go of...it is not necessarily a "cutting them out of my life" action.

We may need to let go of the idea that we can change them, control them, are responsible for their thoughts, feelings, behaviors.  We may need to let go of rescuing them.  We may have to let go of guilt in order to heal and learn to take care of self.

Let go of whatever keeps us stuck.

When your precious grandchild is able to pull himself up, he will need people to reach for.  He will need you to be strong, wise, loving, and healthy.



lbjnltx
Logged

 BPDd-13 Residential Treatment - keep believing in miracles
Thursday
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Relationship status: married for one month (!)
Posts: 1012



« Reply #63 on: August 08, 2012, 04:43:41 AM »

Not everyone will come to the same decision.  Not everyone has to.  There is no right answer that fits all[/quote]
thanks for reminding me of these things.

thursday
Logged
pattyt
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 362


« Reply #64 on: August 09, 2012, 11:09:16 AM »

I had two different therapists (who had talked to both my daughter and me, just short term) tell me, "let go of the rope".  I'm not sure if they were referring to this story or not.  I think they meant that I should realize that I had to relinquish my struggle to control this situation with dd over which I had no control.

I now have a new therapist who I have talked to for a bit longer than the others and more extensively.  She told me that I am a lighthouse.  Not controling the situation but providing some safety in warning against the rocks.  But then I came up with a better metaphor for my particular situation (perhaps this will help others, too).

When my dd was younger she used to go rock climbing, not really on cliffs but in a gym with high walls and handholds to pull up on.  My role was the belayer.  I would hold the safety rope and watch as she worked to find a pathway to pull herself up to the top of the wall.  If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

So, no, I will not let go of the rope.

As of now, my daughter is struggling but she is still trying to climb.

This is a role I can feel comfortable with.  I am the belayer.

More here on belaying:  www.en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Belaying  
Logged
lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7766


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #65 on: August 09, 2012, 11:56:38 AM »

Excerpt
If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

What do you do to keep yourself strong enough to keep your hold on the rope?

lbjnltx
Logged

 BPDd-13 Residential Treatment - keep believing in miracles
pattyt
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 362


« Reply #66 on: August 09, 2012, 01:52:26 PM »

Excerpt
If she would slip, my hold on the rope prevented her from free-falling to the floor.

What do you do to keep yourself strong enough to keep your hold on the rope?

lbjnltx

I do have a therapist now, and that has helped.  Helped me to wrap my mind around all this and helped me to set some healthy boundaries with dd.  :)h and I have a strong and supportive relationship.  I have good friends.  I work and have access to excellent health insurance for me, dh, and dd.

My dd doesn't live with me and so I don't get the day-to-day drama.  Usually, it's short bursts of drama now and again as dd and her boyfriend go from one crisis to another - some small - some larger.

They really are trying to get their lives on an even keel.  Complicated by the fact that bf has many health issues including lymphoma, too sick to work and will soon lose his health insurance.  :)d working 2 jobs and still not enough money to live on, so she's stressed by this as well as her own mental issues.

Life has kicked them around and continues to.

My task is to love and support them emotionally without letting them drag me into the hole with them.  

Dd is not dead-weight on the rope.  She is climbing, trying to find the path.  If she slips I choose to be there to break the fall.  I am strong enough to do this, because the belayer is not only attached to the climber, she is securely anchored to the floor, as well.  

Logged
lbjnltx
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Relationship status: widowed
Posts: 7766


we can all evolve into someone beautiful


« Reply #67 on: August 09, 2012, 01:58:13 PM »

Wonderful pattyt!

When we are healthy ourselves and have strong and healthy boundaries then no matter the weight on the other end of the rope...we are strong enough to hold firm and not fall ino the hole with them.

When we are not strong enough...that is when we may need to let go ... even if temporarily while we learn skills, gain understanding of them and ourselves, and become strong enough to pick up the metaphoric rope and lead them (or drag them Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)) towards better lives.

lbjnltx
Logged

 BPDd-13 Residential Treatment - keep believing in miracles
AnnMargret

Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 5


« Reply #68 on: February 04, 2015, 07:42:03 AM »

My BP husband's therapist told me about this story and so I went looking for it and of course I found it here on bpdfamily! 



  • Why did the man take the rope from The Other in the first place?  Curiosity?  Intrigue?  Perhaps.  When you meet an "other" on a bridge, they can be pretty charming and charismatic and by the time you're holding that rope it pretty much doesn't matter anymore!

  • Why him?  "The Other" didn't jump off that bridge until he had someone to hold the rope.  The rope was just long enough to keep both from dying, but too long to allow the man on the bridge to pull The Other up to safety. Presumably, The Other was able to size up the person to whom he would hand the rope and knew before he jumped that he wasn't jumping to his death. 

    • Why did the man on the bridge hold on for as long as he did?  So-called "vested interest"?  Maybe.  Does it matter?  Probably not.  What matters most is that in order to make it to that opportunity which awaits, he has to resolve this situation one way or another.  His plan would have saved both men, but it required the commitment of The Other to work and he would be forever stuck there holding that rope if he were to wait for that.  Instead, his decision emancipated them both.  

Logged
Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5428



« Reply #69 on: November 05, 2019, 10:02:14 AM »

Having cut loose my first BPD husband, who would alternate between suicidality and abusiveness, it turns out that he was fully capable of swimming until he could find the next person who would pick up the rope.
Logged

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
betterdays3

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Child
Posts: 10


« Reply #70 on: November 08, 2019, 09:05:15 PM »

The Rope Story-from God's mouth to my ears! Couldn't have come at a better time! Thanks! <3
Logged
Pages: 1 2 [3]  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!