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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Problematic parenting  (Read 44746 times)
mr_anderson1
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« Reply #10 on: November 27, 2007, 10:06:59 AM »

"So, do you like me or not?" 

OMG!  My husband does this too.  The kids for the most part generally prefer me to do things for them, most kids do prefer their mother.  Whenever one of the kids will say they want me to do things for them instead of him, he'll say "They don't like me" or "They don't love me."  It's very disturbing. 

He also gets pissed if they don't eat the supper that he makes them.  "Daddy spent a lot of time making that, now eat it."  Blech!

same here, except its my wife that says "Mommy spent a lot of time making that, now eat it."  To this day, when they are sick or hurt they come to me first. In the middle of the night they come to my side of the bed. I think that says a lot"
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CrackedEgg1
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« Reply #11 on: November 27, 2007, 10:29:37 AM »

Yea, and when our youngest daughter holds her hand or gives her a hug, my wife will say, "She likes me!" As though, she didn't. But, she did go through a period where she didn't really want to deal with her mom, when she was in the hospital and not very "Active" around the house when she was here... but still, I get sick of hearing it. It's once thing to say it once, it's another to say it every other day with the same joy and glee each time - as though it was new information or discovery.
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« Reply #12 on: November 30, 2007, 11:41:03 PM »



My DH's uBPDx wife was know to proudly declare to my DH that she asks their son "So, how am I doing as a Mommy?"  Son was five years old at the time. 

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LAPDR
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« Reply #13 on: December 30, 2007, 10:55:30 PM »

Thanks for exploring this subject, I stated to place it in HappyGirls discussion for non men but will place it here in the workshop. I have discussed this area a few times but would like to do it again since I believe my story is a little unique but still filled with the same paint. I am the father of three who stuck it out till all three left the nest and were out on their own. She came from a somewhat upper crust dysfunctional family, had a very controlling NPD father who probably abused her. She was a rebellious teenager that became pregnant as a senior in high school and forced to give up the baby by her father.

When our children started to come along I observed and believed her to be a great mother and did all the things you would expect in taking care of a child’s needs and wants. Years later I looked back and noticed that she did take care of their physical needs in taking care of them, taking to the doctor, providing good nutritional food and pampering them when they were sick or upset. What I did find was that there was something missing in her care that I found odd in that she never played with the children. I could spend hours playing with the boys with Hot Wheels, playing ball and board games but I never saw her playing with our daughter with dolls or play kitchen and had low tolerances for board games with the kids. Maybe mothers don’t down get down and play with kid’s toys like dads do with the boys but it appeared to be missing. I know my own father could get on the floor and play with the kids for hours but I never saw any member of her family do anything more than have them sit on their lap.

When the youngest entered first grade she went back to school and started working. This change in her lifestyle lead to other alternative pursuits of going to bars, drinking too much and having affairs. Besides putting up with lies, distortions and affairs I had to become the major presents in my children’s life. This lead to a lot of stress in my life between home life, being a father and at work. All during this time she was never harmful to the kids, didn’t yell at them too much and was a little permissive in what they were allowed to do and I became the bad guy when I wouldn’t approve sometimes. What basically developed was she was an absent mother most of the time. Working full time, sometimes part time in the evenings and all the bar hopping and other men kept her away from the house much of the time. She and I did not get into any explosive displays in front of them but on the other hand we could be very cool to each other in their presents. During the relationship there were many times that her absence or excessive touched them at times and I would ask her to change her behavior and she would just skoff it off and said it was OK for they were just kids. I don’t know how many times I had to make up stories when I got the question “When is mommy going to be home?” My boys graduated from high-school and off to college, when finished there they moved on and never came back home except for short visits. My daughter went to school locally for a few years then went some distance away from home. We split up after some really crazy periods that I couldn’t put up with anymore.

In review and getting a focus of what really happen in my past I began to see things that made me believe that my ex was interested in being a mother to a baby and taking care of them for their first few years of need and not truly being a mother to nurture and guide a child into adulthood. I saw many a heartbreaks in my children when she found it more important to be with somebody else after work then to have dinner to celebrate one of their birthdays. Absent during sporting events that her son was playing in or coming in late drunk. What I received then and totally accepted was her painting of me as a bad father, that I yelled at them too much, never helped them and was always tied up with work issues too much. She also alluded that she talked to the kids a lot about me too. Well really looking back now she was absent so much I’m not sure when she had the time to do all this talking with them. I was the one who helped with homework and did the spelling drills all the time and ended up fixing dinner when I came home from work and can’t recall yelling at them much at all.

Looking back I know the whole situation left some impression upon my kids but I have not been able to ascertain how bad. I stayed in the marriage because I know she would not be able to provide a safe environment or be a healthy role model for them when they were growing up. They all graduated from college, two have advanced degrees and have very successful professional careers. They appear very stable getting along in life very well. A few little issues but nothing serious, but clueless to the effects they suffered while growing up.

Can anybody relate to having an absent mother rather than an abusive one?

Thanks,

LA

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nowwhat
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« Reply #14 on: January 03, 2008, 02:14:52 PM »

I would add making general conversation intimate...whispering in the ear, putting arms on shoulders or on the back of a chair...almost restraining the child.  I have had others see this activity and call it mauling.  I think it is a hostile act in a subtle form.

Lack of rules, lack of discipline. 

The child becomes the ears and eyes of mother, reporting back everything to the mother.  The child would never consider doing this for the father.  The loyalty is fierce.

The mother's happiness hindges on the mother being happy.

The child has everything, excessive spending on non-necessities.  Toys, pets, games.  Doesn't matter when (even a few weeks before a big holiday).

As stated, the child makes adult decisions...whether or not to sell the house, when or if to move into new house.  Alienation of other parent, parent's extended family, step mother or step/half siblings: charges they are breaking the law, hurting or abusing child, bad treatment.

Sleeping with child.  Child asked why do you sleep with mother, answer: because it makes her feel better.

Everyone believes the way the mother does, will name those of "authority" who agree with her.  Do they?  Who knows, they probably were never asked.



   
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LAPDR
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« Reply #15 on: January 08, 2008, 09:58:20 PM »



Sadly I can relate to all you have wrote above. I guess many a times I forget we are discussing issues that involve somebody with a mental illness. When we look at the woman who is the mother of children it is hard to accept that they neglect or harm their own children physically or with abuse that effects their development. Their own needs and insecurities are much more important to them then any responsibility to some of the most important people in their lives, especially little ones who look toward them for fill their needs for love, understanding and attachment. Their own personal childhood could of been hell and they live in denial over it but why do they contribute to perpetuating it again and can't see what they are doing is wrong? They claim so much giving and attachment but have trouble demonstrating it.

LA
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JoannaK
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« Reply #16 on: February 24, 2008, 09:54:40 AM »

lapdr wrote:

Quote
Years later I looked back and noticed that she did take care of their physical needs in taking care of them, taking to the doctor, providing good nutritional food and pampering them when they were sick or upset. What I did find was that there was something missing in her care that I found odd in that she never played with the children. I could spend hours playing with the boys with Hot Wheels, playing ball and board games but I never saw her playing with our daughter with dolls or play kitchen and had low tolerances for board games with the kids. Maybe mothers don’t down get down and play with kid’s toys like dads do with the boys but it appeared to be missing. ...

When the youngest entered first grade she went back to school and started working. This change in her lifestyle lead to other alternative pursuits of going to bars, drinking too much and having affairs. Besides putting up with lies, distortions and affairs I had to become the major presents in my children’s life. This lead to a lot of stress in my life between home life, being a father and at work. All during this time she was never harmful to the kids, didn’t yell at them too much and was a little permissive in what they were allowed to do and I became the bad guy when I wouldn’t approve sometimes. What basically developed was she was an absent mother most of the time. Working full time, sometimes part time in the evenings and all the bar hopping and other men kept her away from the house much of the time. She and I did not get into any explosive displays in front of them but on the other hand we could be very cool to each other in their presents. During the relationship there were many times that her absence or excessive touched them at times and I would ask her to change her behavior and she would just skoff it off and said it was OK for they were just kids. I don’t know how many times I had to make up stories when I got the question “When is mommy going to be home?” My boys graduated from high-school and off to college, when finished there they moved on and never came back home except for short visits. My daughter went to school locally for a few years then went some distance away from home. We split up after some really crazy periods that I couldn’t put up with anymore.

In review and getting a focus of what really happen in my past I began to see things that made me believe that my ex was interested in being a mother to a baby and taking care of them for their first few years of need and not truly being a mother to nurture and guide a child into adulthood. I saw many a heartbreaks in my children when she found it more important to be with somebody else after work then to have dinner to celebrate one of their birthdays. Absent during sporting events that her son was playing in or coming in late drunk. What I received then and totally accepted was her painting of me as a bad father, that I yelled at them too much, never helped them and was always tied up with work issues too much. She also alluded that she talked to the kids a lot about me too. Well really looking back now she was absent so much I’m not sure when she had the time to do all this talking with them. I was the one who helped with homework and did the spelling drills all the time and ended up fixing dinner when I came home from work and can’t recall yelling at them much at all.

Looking back I know the whole situation left some impression upon my kids but I have not been able to ascertain how bad. I stayed in the marriage because I know she would not be able to provide a safe environment or be a healthy role model for them when they were growing up. They all graduated from college, two have advanced degrees and have very successful professional careers. They appear very stable getting along in life very well. A few little issues but nothing serious, but clueless to the effects they suffered while growing up.

Can anybody relate to having an absent mother rather than an abusive one?

Thanks,

LA

You wrote this a month back, lapdr, but you've brought up some very good points...  She was absent, negligent but not obviously so.  Emotionally negligent.  She didn't fully connect with them when they were little...  she went "through the motions". 

At least she didn't keep them away from you, so you were able to provide consistency and availability.  Your kids are doing well despite difficult mom.  But you won't know the full impact of her dysfunction on them...   They could choose poor partners themselves, they could have problems parenting themselves, they might have a hard time committing to a relationship.  They could become somewhat to very narcissistic...  Hopefully, they will avoid those issues, but kids with bad mothers will have problems in some area some time... might just be minor. 
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LAPDR
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« Reply #17 on: February 25, 2008, 12:25:39 AM »

Quote
At least she didn't keep them away from you, so you were able to provide consistency and availability.  Your kids are doing well despite difficult mom.  But you won't know the full impact of her dysfunction on them...   They could choose poor partners themselves, they could have problems parenting themselves, they might have a hard time committing to a relationship.  They could become somewhat to very narcissistic...  Hopefully, they will avoid those issues, but kids with bad mothers will have problems in some area some time... might just be minor.

I do worry at times for them, that was my #1 reason I showed up here at BPDFamily.com. I know now that what they observed from mom and dad was not the best and how she interacted with them was no ideal memory to have of a mother. I have seen my kids in many relationship and seen them have difficult times now and then and sometimes I think they saw the light but then at other times wonder if it is all that healthy for them too. I know time will tell but I don't want them running out of time either.
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adna423
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« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2008, 12:57:33 AM »

Speaking of subtle methods...I think my mother saying, "Goodnight Michael, I love you" every night to my brother and immediatly saying, "Goodnight Rachel" to me minus the "I love you" every night for my entire childhood without fail, was one of the more subtle and hurtful ways she abused me.

It sounds silly and petty to some but imagine being a child and only hearing "I love you" when it was being directed to your brother and never toward you. cry
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Moving On
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« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2008, 04:06:16 AM »

It sounds silly and petty to some but imagine being a child and only hearing "I love you" when it was being directed to your brother and never toward you. cry

Hell, no, that does NOT sound petty.  Geez.  It had to be conscious, and you knew it.  Know this, though, she didn't love him either, he just satisfied (directly or indirectly) her needs.  Most likely indirectly.  I'm beginning to understand what a BPD calls "love".  It has nothing to do with what normal people call love.  Do I feel comfortable making that broad generalization?  More and more, I'd say yes.

I'm in a chosen relationship, and she does similar things to my eldest, and I don't really even think she has any idea how it impacts him, and I don't think she'd really care in any real sense if it was pointed out to her.  He isn't the "white" child, so he deserves to be treated as 2nd class so far as she's concerned.

xoxo
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