SELF ASSESSMENT | Depression Self Testing: Are you depressed?

[Celiann]

Hey, I tested 23 today. That's a lot better than 32 a week ago... .I think the LC works

[jen]

I just took the test and scored 71!  I had my third counselling session yesterday although we just touched on some CBT but my therapist thinks that I need some other kind of counselling and will be making a referal - however she is in her words trying to "get me going".  She showed me how my emotions are controlling my behaviour which although I can see it when it's written in front of me and I have researched lots and lots of things to try and get myself going I just can't seem to put the effort in - I feel drained, and washed out most of the time.  I would really like to be able to sleep.  A good thing though I am not thinking about ending it anymore... .I know that I CAN get better - I want to feel happiness, peace, joy, fulfilment, loved, be motivated I want to live my life so I guess that I WANT this for me is a good start?  We talked a lot about depression and I can't actually remember not feeling this way although I must have - my memory is really bad.

I was supposed to be starting volunteering this week for the Citizens Advice Bureau here in the UK BUT I had my induction last Friday and since then panic has set in, fear of failing, fear of not being able to cope, fear of being shouted at, fear of being in an office - all the anxiety I expressed following being bullied at work have impounded on me greatly but that's all I know - office work & to make things worse working for solicitors since the age of 16 - I withdrew from helping with CAB and now I feel that I let myself down and the CAB but it would have been much worse for me actually going along and having another breakdown!I don't feel strong enough to keep coming back from the depths of depression!  This time I have to really work on my mental health and get back to some kind of living - I need to find me - do any of you feel lost inside your body?

[Eleni]

14

Self Esteem- or lack of it, is the story of my life

Shame- a guiding force in MY life, replaced only by allowing God to restore me.  My shame causes my self will to run riot, so as not to face the demons, flaws, etc.  Only "cure" for me is alignment with Him.  Now I am coming out of the tunnel and breathing fresh air.  DBT training helps hugely!

Eleni

[Colombian Chick]

I got a 57. Yes, I know I've been really depressed. I need to get myself out of this depression.

[Morgause]

Scored 23 (3-4 months after break-up, broke up end of Sept but Friends with Benefits until Nov)

NC since first week of Jan... .it made all the difference in my score which was way up there in Dec... .

[LOAnnie]

Jeez, I got a 42.  I'm more down than I realized.  Not good.  Like another poster, what I am consciously feeling is anger and anxiety instead of sadness, but I've heard that depression is anger turned inward, so, I think that if I can tackle my anger it will result in less depression.   

I also think that if my work situation picks up and I'm busy again (I'm a freelancer and times are very, very slow right now) my mood will lift.   

My main problem is that when I'm experiencing negative emotions like anger and fear/anxiety, I self-soothe with drinking alcohol to numb out, and I over-eat as well.  The resulting weight gain (Doh!) makes me very upset, fills me with self-disgust and just feeds back into the cycle in a downward spiral.

Lord, Please send me some work, and I believe can get a handle on this crap!  I find it remarkable that although I have insight, a pretty clear intellectual handle on why I am the way I am, why I do things the way I do, my patterns, my habits, etc., that knowledge doesn't seem to translate into self-control and change.  Frustrating!

-LOAnnie

[anastasialee]

Oh man! i got a 54! i didn't even realize i was that depressed!

[C2]

LOAnnie, I hear you. I'm out of work and trying to make ends meet and it's very difficult. It's at the point where I know every month some bills don't get paid, things are late, etc. But aside from looking for work and trying to sell my house, there's really nothing I can do about it. So I've kind of surrendered to it and it felt better. I was hoping to make a career change at this time, but I may have to go back to a corporate job for a while. I was (stupidly) waiting for an SO to make up his mind (see below), and I wasted valuable time that I could have used to find work, freelance or no.

Surprisingly, I scored a 19 today--not bad considering I went through another break-up on Sunday and Valentine's Day is looming. Not sure if he was truly BPD or just a commitment phobe, but it stings either way. The first 6 months were great, no red flags, then problems started. I was kind of ready for anything, but too dependent on him to make the decision. Ah, well, another learning experience. I've decided to stay out of the dating pool for a while until I get the rest of my life where I want it. I have found love relationships to be a great source of support when they are working, but a huge derailing of my motivation and goals when they don't.

Anyway, now I can move one, so I have to muster some positivity out of thin air and just trust things will improve (coupled with taking action to the degree I can). I think letting go and trusting is particularly hard for us nons.

LOA, I hear you too about understanding intellectually what we need to work on, but emotionally or energetically not being able to quite get there. I also tend to self-soothe with alcohol and food, so I'm trying to cut back on that (not cut it out completely--that feels unrealistic). I started on a 28-day plan on the first of February (since February has 28 days, and it is said that's how long it takes to change a habit). Everyday, I try to do something healthier, whether it's exercise, get outside, spend more time with supportive friends, drink less, spend more time on creative pursuits, etc. I start the day with some positive videos and affirmations--corny, I know, and not right for everyone, but they really are working for me. I try to spend at least 15 minutes a day meditating. I find it makes me less depressed and anxious and gets my left brain/right brain activity more evened out. My biggest thing is I have to ease up on myself and not be so hard on myself for past mistakes, where I am now, etc.

As a last note, I've heard that anger is actually better than depression, because it gets you moving and forces action (vs. the lethargy that accompanies depression). Is there any way you can use this to your advantage--kind of reinvent yourself, start some new positive activities, feel more like you are in charge of your own life? 

Fortunately, the ex-SO bought me a ticket to LA to get out of town next month (I think he was already planning the break-up and feeling guilty), so I just have to hang on for 20 days until vacation (staying with my sister, so the rest of the trip is ultra-cheap).

[jpounce]

I scored a 15.  Before finding this board a few months ago, it would have been a LOT higher. Time, and this site, are doing wonders . Thanks all!

[crystal]

Boy this thread has been around a long time! And so have I!

Oct 18, 2008:

"6-12.

Two years ago, I would have been 54-58! Only Major difference in my life is that I exited OZ!

If you are still in oz and scoring in the depressed range. Seriously think about changing something.  It is NICE being happy, and not feelng guilty or worthless! 

Crystal"

today: 1.   

LIG--Thanks to all of you for all your help!

Crystal

[Matt]

8/24/08  19  (A few weeks after my divorce was final, and a week before my son got in big trouble.)

6/30/09  28

8/25/09  21

9/15/09  15

12/6/09  20

2/12/10  17

[jen]

I have just taken the test and I am very pleased with my score - 50!

Some of you may think that's still too high but I am really encouraged by this myself - no harmful thoughts at all for the last 4/5 days.

Week 5 of therapy sessions tomorrow.

I pray that it will continue to go down but I take one day at a time.

[Manon46]

I am at 2, no depression, i survived, it took me 3 years,overall, including the marriage,the honeymoonphase,the aftermath, all together took 6 years of my life... .

Lot wiser, not bitter,not hatefull, back to my old older self... .i often say what a waste, but in the end it wasnt a waste, but a painfull lessen, to get to this level of selfesteem and knowing myself and knowing what i want and i dont want. This big hole in myself is filled,by me... .that is the reward

[kj1234]

15, but when unsure I leaned to the lower score.  Lowest so far for me.  Not sure why.  Still lots on my mind, but it is getting squeezed out by other things.

[shallowval33]

75.

[recovering]

I get an 8! But mostly for lack of motivation and lack of interest in romance/sex.

7 months into separation and a couple of months ago would clearly have been around 50.

Life is good. 

[Colombian Chick]

My score is 5!     

I only had it score this because I haven't found a job yet. But that's the only reason, I have enough money coming in to support my kids and I so I don't worry about that. My main concern is getting back in the workforce  .

I went down like 52 points!

Loving my peace and my time with my kids.

[recovering]

Hey Columbian Chick! Way to go!  Inspirational!   

[Colombian Chick]

Hey Columbian Chick! Way to go!  Inspirational!   

xoxox

Thanks!

[jen]

took the test & scored 60 today maybe lower cos the sun is shining!

I have started to look after myself from the inside out, baby steps really tho - taking vitamins, cod liver oil & eve primrose oil, Vit C Berroca, Omega 3, 6 & 9 plus still taking the high blood pressure tabs but hoping to reduce them as been off booze for FOUR WEEKS TOMORROW, quite proud of myself for that achievement.  Still on anti-depressants but it's only 10 mgs, not going to tackle that whilst still in therapy and still have a high score.

I am thanking my friends on here that are keeping me going - and encouraging me to do the yoga & pilates. 

The H is still behaving like a jerk, and I had to close down facebook because of him last Friday but that's a virtual world anyway and not real.  He did comment last night "have you had a wash today" - answered why - "cos you smell" - just the only thing he could come up with to hurt me and my self esteem but at least I know what he's doing now!  By the way I didn't smell -

[JDoe]

Hi, Jen!  I am so proud of you!  No alcohol for 4 weeks is a very big accomplishment.  Your H is sensing you growing wiser and stronger.  That "stinks" to him because he realizes that he is losing the power he had over you.  You are stepping out of the FOG and becoming the Jen that you were meant to be!

God bless you!

JDoe

[Fruit Loop]

I scored 80, holy crap that's not good!

[VB]

64 at the moment... .but I am fresh outta it!

[Desert]

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

December 11, 2009:             81

March 12, 2010             84  

So Skip, is today's score a board record ?

[Dorian]

I scored a 30.  It's been 6 weeks since my xBPDw left me and 2 weeks total NC.  It was difficult to answer some of these questions because I keep alternating between heavy sadness and an almost manic hopefulness.  Today I'm feeling pretty good but I know that this can change on a dime and I could be in tears by the end of the day.  I have had difficulty staying focused on work and have had to dig into the savings to stay afloat (I consult).

Overall, I'm really hopeful about the future. On better days I feel like I narrowly escaped life-long misery with a untreated BPD spouse. But sometimes I get suddenly overwhelmed by an immense sense of sadness and loss and can't stop crying for a while.  I have contemplated suicide in a superficial way during those times, imaging how I would do it and how people in my life would respond. It is only a fantasy and I would never act on it. I know that I have many people who love me and they would be hurt much worse that I have been hurt by my wife leaving. I have a big heart and I could never do that to anyone. When feeling this emotional pain I remind myself that emotions are temporary and like clouds, they will pass.

[jen]

my score is 80 today... .no wonder after the last few days with the psycho that i married! :'(

[dilbert]

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

December 11, 2009:             81

March 12, 2010             84  

So Skip, is today's score a board record ?

i just got an 81 desert so dont feel bad

[Desert]

June 2009 :          67

September 2009 :  43

October 2009 :      66

December 11, 2009:             81

March 12, 2010             84  

So Skip, is today's score a board record ?

i just got an 81 desert so dont feel bad

I know it's not much but it's all I can do:   

Kindest regards and best wishes, Desert

[jpounce]

 Scored a 27.  I took this test on feb 12th and scored a 15. I dont know... .its just been a tough week or so, maybe a bit longer.

I feel like a stupid little kid right now. I just keep thinkin maybe if I' done this or that, she'd stilll be here, but I'm relatively sure from what I've read and learned on this site, that she is BPD, everything fits, except for she didnt do the rage scream yell thing. (though I would get some cold sarcastic comments for no apparent reason). But I guess that just makes her a quiet,  "acting in borderline" .

  I now know more about the mechanics of BPD than I ever did, Yet for some reason I just cant forget this relationship, or her. And I have not had this type of problem with any relationship in the past.  It was getting easier a bit till a week or so ago, and for some reason , the feelings and memories keep comin back.  ?  I don't think this relationship, and it's loss, is something I'll ever completely forget.(I dont really think I'd want to completely erase it from my memory) . It's just gonna be something I come to terms with, learn to accept and move on. Thats kinda what I'm doing... .but the process is a marathon, not a sprint, for me anyway    

[dilbert]

ya jp, its a marathon thats for sure. i spent 12 years with my kids mom, luckily for me, she treated the kids bad. i know that sounds weird, but what im saying is since i seen that it has helped me get over her. now BPD girl on the other hand... .i just recently told to 'f' off into the sunset, we'll see how that goes