Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
November 17, 2019, 12:19:47 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, FaithHopeLove, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
Ambassadors: Enabler, Forgiveness, formflier, GaGrl,  khibomsis , Longterm, Ozzie101, pursuingJoy, Swimmy55, zachira
  Help!   Groups   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Poll
Question: Do you think you fear or dislike being alone?
Very significant factor - 10 (20.4%)
Significant factor - 15 (30.6%)
Somewhat significant factor - 10 (20.4%)
Not a significant factor - 13 (26.5%)
I don't know - 1 (2%)
Total Voters: 48

Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: SURVEY | Do you think you fear being alone?  (Read 3672 times)
Skip
Site Director
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 7939


« on: October 29, 2008, 12:49:05 PM »

An uncomfortable question, I know... .

Being alone and lonely, and even just the fear of being alone, make many people insecure, anxious, even depressed.  If you fear being alone you may become over needy of other people - over demanding on relationships. A fear of being alone can be directly related to lack of self-confidence and to the belief that activities cannot be enjoyed or even attempted if you are alone.  While we all, to varying degrees, need people in our life, if you feel you must have people around to truly enjoy life and be part of society then this need may be controlling you.  

Clinical evidence supports the fact that all too often one of the main reasons that both men and women get into a relationship, and then often stay in a relationship, is related to a fear of being alone.

A relationship that is based on this fear is destined to be a very unhappy and unfulfilling.   All too often, people who are not comfortable with themselves unknowingly enable it and make it more difficult to experience deep levels of intimacy with others as well.

Could this have been part of your relationship issues?
Logged

 
Steph
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 7487



« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2008, 02:02:49 PM »

 Ill jump, too... .

When H and I met, I was alone and I loved it. I was likely too independant and didnt want or need anyone, ever again... I was all good with my dogs, cats and acreage and a job I loved.

Well... .we hit it off and the rest is history. He said he liked that I was so independant.

Now, I found once he and I were together, I didnt want to be alone, until things were a nightmare. Then, when we split up, it was all good again!

  Now, we are back together, but not because I was afraid to be alone, but because I was choosing him. It was tough giving up the independance.

I think I was opposite...

Steph
Logged

warrior
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 535


« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2008, 02:06:51 PM »

I'll jump in, too.  I like being in crowds, up in front of them, too.  I also find my favorite times are when I am alone, working in my studio or taking a walk in the woods, kayaking, whatever.  My BPD cannot stand to be alone and will do anything to avoid it.  There is a part of me that was terrified she would leave - that part of me that fears to be alone/unloved.  It wasn't until I went through a ton of therapy, groups, etc. that I figured out I would be OK if we split up.  Right now the goods outweigh the bad so I am staying, but it is my choice, not hers.
Logged
Chili
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Separated since 1/20/08
Posts: 3265


« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2008, 02:08:07 PM »

On a personal level, being alone isn't too tough for me. On a sexual level, I have serious problems. After PM, I was sexually alone until BF. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't become involved with someone sexually again unless there was a real relationship involved. It was extremely tough for me to get through those months without a sex partner. But being without a relationship was easier to handle. I love spending time by myself or with my kids.
Logged
Jeffree
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: divorce
Posts: 3433


Encourage Mint


WWW
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2008, 02:43:04 PM »

I am just now starting to be a tiny bit concerned about the possibility of dying alone with no special someone to wish me good-night forever.

However, seeing how much turmoil your average relationship has does not make me miss my freedom to come and go as I please and the choice to let who I see fit into my life.

Sometimes I feel guilty of having it so good and carefree. Nobody is relying on me to earn a living; I am not putting any child(ren) through school; don't have to write notes to teachers; or clean poopie diapers; I have no kiddie exchanges.

But right now in the right here and now, I am not afraid of being alone.

--J
Logged

   "Live as if your life depended on it." ~ Werner Erhard
life2live
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 451


« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2008, 07:57:37 PM »

No, I don't think I fear being alone but there is so little time that I'm actually alone that I don't know for sure how I would react.

I know I am fiercely independent and have no problems doing things by myself but I don't know if I would like to stay that way forever.

I definately value my alone time and look forward to it every chance I get.
Logged
Wanda
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
What is your relationship status with them: in second marriage for 20 years on valentines day
Posts: 2579



« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2008, 08:13:54 PM »

 I'll repy to this one   i love being alone, i loved it when i was single and just had my kids and then every other weekend when they went to granparents and i was alone i loved it!  when my BPDh and i split for a year but still remained on contact and dated and tried to work on our marriage i loved it now with my kids grown, and me alone alot during the day time i just love it so being alone i dont' think would effect me, maybe when older and scared of dieing and noone to help me, but otherwise i like being alone, so peaceful...  
Logged
oneflewover
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 4250


« Reply #7 on: October 30, 2008, 09:43:12 AM »

This was one of my greater lessons in my mess, aquiring the ability to truly commune by myself.  I use to love having a sidekick with me.  I thought it made the experience better.  Life sort of tells you that "your nobody til' somebody loves you".

My ex dumping me left me no choice but to forge at everything alone.  Raising a child alone.  Managing and acquiring finances alone. Going to church alone/praying alone.  Eating alone.  Sleeping alone.  Being alone (well not really I had a child pulling on my pant leg).  But all those things--totally alone.

I went from my parents nest to our married nest and then BOOM, I was all alone for the first time ever. I am independent minded of course and always have been, but I always had somebody hanging around at some point.

It was so cold and brutal at first.  I felt like when I went out into the world I was marked with the "L" for Loner.  But after awhile I embraced it as the "Lone Soldier" just doing what I need to do to survive and get by.  And then more time passed and I became the "Lucky One".  I was happy and could see my blessings before me.  I found contentment and true bliss.  I worked on my faults and capitalized on my strengths.  Shaked me down and put myself back together in a new improved version.  I started really enjoying all those alone moments and would look around and say to myself, "I am choosing my course, my destiny, my lot.  I am inviting whom I want in and whom I want out.  I am implementing the laws of attraction here."

At that point, I never felt alone nor lonely.  That is now a state of mind for me and I know that I, and only I, have the ability to surround myself with things that fill me up and make me feel loved and content and whole.  And that does not require a romantic partner.  That is a compliment in life, not a necessity.

OFO   
Logged
sdddaa
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Together 18 years. Separated 18 mos. Divorce almost done. Happily back in the world discovering what I missed out on for so many years.
Posts: 592


WWW
« Reply #8 on: October 30, 2008, 10:09:31 AM »

Well put OFO. Complementing each other in a partnership, not being the reason for being.

I have always valued my alone time. My creative & studio time has always been important. This is one of the things that got away from me and when I regained it, it created problems with x. With a busy single Dad schedule now, I am making effort to make this part of my regular schedule again. I've missed it sorely. It is part of my peace. Being at peace with one's self makes everything so much better, and healthier partner.

But do I fear being alone as in all by myself for the rest of my life? No. I am in a limbo holding pattern with my divorce, still working on me & Ds. I would like to think I will not be alone in a lonely way, and don't worry about that. Much of this has to do with what I sacrificed previously. And before x i was a very active and happy artist. In some ways maybe I was too independent. Room for two #1. A concept lost on x. This is something my T has asked how the BP aspects may have worked for me in the beginning. This was a curious idea for me. It was her fear of being alone or being less important which I let interfere. Regaining and maintaining my independence is important to me as a part of my return to healthy living.

I think many of us would like to have the comfort and security of a relationship. There are so many things that are better when shared. But I think it is key not to have the relationship as part of maintaining an individuals health.  It all comes back to that balance.

sdddaa
Logged
united for now
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Other
What is your relationship status with them: separated
Posts: 8712

Talking about solutions create solutions


« Reply #9 on: October 30, 2008, 01:17:47 PM »

Do I fear being alone?

Not fear, but missing something... .

There are times that I don't enjoy being alone, and I wish that I could reach out and share with someone (preferably adult) some intelligent conversations.

Then there are times when all I wish for is some alone time to veg out and not have to "BE" anything - mom, teacher, girlfriend, friend, advisor, daughter, or whatever hat we are expected to wear... .

I don't "fear" being alone.

I just feel the need for company and companionship and a connection to add cheer to the day... .

Logged

Change your perceptions and you change your life.  Nothing changes without changes
mansquito
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: MF-ing Divorced!!!
Posts: 130


WWW
« Reply #10 on: October 30, 2008, 01:52:12 PM »

My last few threads not withstanding, I don't have a problem being alone.

In fact, I think I prefer it. One of the reasons I tolerated my relationship with a BP for so long was that, being a natural loner, it took me a long time to be bothered by her demands that I isolate myself from my friends and family.

On the sex side of things, I'm becoming more comfortable with the dating/casual relationship/FWB side of things. I've met a couple of ladies who a really laid back about the whole thing, which helps.

I'm as happy sitting at home by myself, listening to music, reading, cooking, and playing with my cat as I am doing the dating thing.

I used to be terrible at it - I had such low self-esteem that I'd get waaay too enmeshed in relationships or friendships waaay to quickly, under the theory that I'd better grab whatever friends/lovers I had and hold on for dear life because a loser like me was unlikely to get another chance.

Now that I've been getting the self-esteem issues worked out, I'm beginning to relish the time I get to spend by myself. Since I have better self-esteem, I'm far more confident on those occasions when I would like companionship, meaning I have better luck actually meeting someone, which reinforces my self-esteem, which makes it easier to spend time alone... .etc.

It's a positive feedback loop. I'm probably happier now at thirty, not even officially divorced yet, than I've ever been at any point in my life.
Logged
Sandcastle
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 404



« Reply #11 on: October 30, 2008, 06:17:44 PM »

I love being alone.  I was an only child, so I'm used to it.  People don't understand how I can go to the zoo or Disneyland by myself and still have fun, but for me, it's freedom because I'm not beholden to others to go where they do or don't want to go.  And, in fact, I'm almost terrified of having a relationship or kids, because I'm so adamant about having my "me" time that I don't know how to deal with having someone else around and having someone need me.  It makes me feel very selfish, though.  Right now, I don't want it, though I keep telling myself if I really loved someone it would be all right.  Never had a relationship though, so I can't say for sure.  :P

Though, like someone else said, I do worry about what will happen years down the road if I'm old, ill, or disabled; I don't have anyone to take care of me.  No one to look after the cats if I can't.  No one to split the rent with. 
Logged

kkce967
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
Posts: 804


« Reply #12 on: October 30, 2008, 06:31:57 PM »

When I met my ex ASPD husband, I was afraid of getting old and living alone. I had no excuse when I met my BPD because I liked my life as a single and was having the time of my life. When it ended I was hurt, yes but I don't fear being alone. There is so much in life I want to do, learn the piano, take voice lessons, join a church choir, volunteer for charitable causes and fundraisers, go to grad school... .I have very little time for myself now and cherish the few moments when I can be alone with me and my thoughts.
Logged
gbpacker48
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: married ubpdh living together 27 years
Posts: 176


« Reply #13 on: October 31, 2008, 12:04:46 AM »

The fear I have isn't being alone, I enjoy that time.  It's the scared feeling of being permanently alone.  why I'm alone.  That's the feeling of rejection and embarassment of a failed relationship.  For me I'm old school so my identity is a wife.  If I lose that identity I feel the failure of what did I do wrong?  So it's really the shame of why I'm alone that's scary.  Most girls today don't think like that.  The conditioning of woman in the 60's is alot different than woman today.   
Logged
new@40
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: separated 1 month
Posts: 280


« Reply #14 on: October 31, 2008, 01:58:07 AM »

hmmmm  I have to pause and think as I answer this.- I was married at 20- a baby 3 mos later.  Went from secure mom and dad to BPD h and now 20 yrs later I am "on my own" for the 1st time ever!--Alone- No- I have my Daughter (14) but she goes to her dads and then I am alone! But - i dont mind it! I am getting used to it.  Life is changing- and I guess you just need to get comfortalbe with yourself.

Do I want to be alone forever?  NO-   I think I am ok for the next while so I can learn who I am  but eventually I would love to share my life with a man I can truly identify with and have intamacy with!

I never could do that with my BPD H (after 20 yrs)- and still have a lot of life in me- and still have a lot of passion and zest for life!  Incredbily so!  I have a warm heart and an endearing personality and love people! I am a COMPLETE extrovert!  So being alone is different- and I cant see it being my destiny- but for now- it has a purpose that will be defining for me! 

Logged
rcoaster
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 611


« Reply #15 on: November 04, 2008, 09:37:04 AM »

Yes. And I see nothing wrong with that, and here is why:

Every living and non-living thing is interdependent-we can talk food chain, to the interactions of cells, atoms, and quanta. It's all part of the same pure energy when you break it down, and all energy is in motion and is vibrating. People need people the same as whales need to swim together, and wolves need to run in packs. And people need love and companionship-of some kind. The very fact that any living species can reproduce is further evidence, or there would just be one of everything that lasted eternally. I think our society puts too much energy into selling us the image that it's not only acceptable to be selfish, but preferred. We live in the "MMMMEEEEEEEEEEEE Generation", and very few people are truly in touch with the feelings of others, let alone their own needs. Any reality show is an example of this. No matter the plot of the show, everyone is in it for their own selfish reasons. Kids sporting Ipods, 64 bit hand-held video games, cell phones, Myspace pages, while mom and dad go off and spend more time wearing their life down by overworking to aquire more things that are supposed to make our lives "easier". The result? A generation of neglected kids who become BPD's, and "pop-culture" counselors who let us believe that we are never healthy until we no longer need anyone. Paris Hilton has a show where people (mostly BPD's I imagine) compete to become her "best friend forever?" And how many millions of people give a sht? Too many. She is BPD! THAT is crazy shallow sh&t.

Everyone fears being truly alone, I believe. Picture yourself as the last human being floating through the universe in some type of spacesuit or spacecraft that could go ANYWHERE. At first, you would be amazed at what you saw, and so pre-occupied that the fact you are alone wouldn't matter. But after a while, most of us would start to realize that we had no one to share these perceptions with, no one to tell the stories to, and we would doubt our own sanity of what we even perceived! (kind of like being a Non, I guess. hehe)  If this is what you mean by the fear of being alone, then hell yes, I fear it. I also fear not living out my purpose (if I have one), and not fully utilizing my gifts that I have been given to help others on their paths. I believe we all have gifts and talents that make us unique and necessary to the interdependence of sustaining all life in the universe, at least until something bigger than us says, "sorry Buddy, my turn now." On the other hand, many Native American Indian tribes had "rights of passage" ceremonies that taught  young adults how to conquer their fear of death-the ultimate aloneness. Many Northern and Central Indians would send the warriors to a young man's home, and steal him from his bed, then throw him into a 9 foot hole in the earth, far from the tribe, where he had to stay over night, withstanding the weather, and the noises in the forest above. Southwestern tribes sent their young men on vision quests-alone-for weeks or days, fasting and praying, and being alone until delirium set in-the vision. But in all of these ceremonies which taught these yound warriors to conquer their fear of death, it was the tribe itself that they were taught to give these gifts and strengths back to, and it was the value of the life around them that they were taught to cherish above all else.

My parents divorced when I was about 8 yrs old, and I was raised in a poor part of town by my mom, who scrimped and saved and worked her ass off to get us through. I was hyper-intelligent, a MENSA level kid who was put into all of the advanced classes, but I didn't have the financial means to explore the opportunities. My father moved half-way to the other side of the world a couple years later, and I spent my summers with him, always in a new culture and life-style. I flew on airplanes-alone. I walked through the city at 10 yrs old while my father worked-alone. I pursued so many interests for a kid my age, from astronomy, to insects, to aquatic life, to religion, martial arts, art, poetry and especially music-alone. I loved the people I met, but I also always need time in my day to go do my thing and be independent, so I could clear my mind, even at 10 yrs old. I remember sometimes at recess, dodging my group of friends and sneaking up into a tree by myself to just observe people and listen to the leaves in the branches. I was adored by my classmates, rarely had enemies, but also was not afraid to stand up for myself if someone picked on me. After knocking the wind out of a kid who was a foot taller for bad-mouthing me to our class, nobody messed with me after that. He and I even became friends couple of years later.

Yea, I know... .where am I going with this right?

I was an intelligent, fiercely independent kid, who could have been anything. I chose my path, and I take responsibility for my choices, and for who I have become through those experiences. I NEED time alone every day as a creative person. I NEED more time alone every day just to organize all of my thoughts, dreams, and to make clear choices the next day. I love to sit alone every night, and write music, walk downtown, meditate, or read. In my life, I have not only learned how to operate alone, but though experience and circumstance, fully understand that I am an independent human being with a purpose that is unveiled to me in pieces each day I live. I will never be "one" with another person, in the truest sense, and I will never completely know my "self"-it's impossible, so why try to fool myself?  However... .

I am the loneliest person I know. I always have been a little lonely, but since the BPDXW, I have never felt so lonely in my life. I waited 34 years to settle down-after choosing to be alone for most of my adult life, and I cashed my chips on a BPD who destroyed my entire schema of what I had learned it was to truly LOVE (and whilst maintaining independence), and awoke into a world of mainly unhealthy divorced men and women in their 30's and 40's who don't know what they want and keep chasing people who have no clue about truly healthy relationships, while I study harder my "self", and the world, and love and mental illness to try to learn how to become the best me I can be-but I keep thinking, "Well, I am happy with me. In fact I think I am pretty cool, and have lived an amazing life. I'm bored with self-study, it's all I do-how selfish... .So why do these women chase dudes who haven't a clue? Is it so that I can become stronger in learning not to want those women in the first place?"

I like me. I know me as well as a person can, and better than most. I have no problem being alone. But real loneliness, is when you realize that the life you have led, and the suffering you have known, and the strength you have gathered, and the self-knowledge you have accumulated has no value in anyone's life but your own, and you keep waking up alone, and watching the women you are interested in go for unavailable "cute" guys who they would rather fix, than to just be with a guy who already understands himself, and all you want is someone to share the ride with, because you just want to know that someone in this f'ed up world gets half of what's in your heart, mind and soul, but the people you seem to have the most in common with on the rest of life still want to pursue unhealthy mismatched relationships. Next stop? Outer-space baby.

I believe that No human being needs to be completely alone in this world. If anything I think some of us try so hard to act as if we need no one, that we are really just trying to justify our suffering of feeling alone. The few of us who have got past that have names like Christ, Buddha, Rasta Fari, Crazy Horse, Lao Tzu... .not Rcoaster. Not Sam, Dave, Bill, Julie, Sarah or Jennifer.

It's the human condition, and at some point, we ALL need somebody to love. Just ask the Beatles. Were they ever wrong?

I think it's about balance, not learning to be truly non-dependent on anyone. We just need to take care of our selves so that we can all give in a healthy way to the ones we love and who love us. But to say we don't need love, or don't need others, is just as insane as BPD enmeshment.
Logged
2bad2stay
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: married 15 years
Posts: 545


WWW
« Reply #16 on: November 04, 2008, 11:15:23 AM »

I can't say I'm afraid of being alone.  After the split, I have to say I realized how nice it is.  I am so glad to not have to rely on someone else and to be solely responsible for my own life.  It's a matter of perception.  I don't feel the need to have someone to take care of me since I am capable of doing that myself.  I have plenty of friends who are a great part of my life.  I don't feel "alone" since I have plenty of connections to others in my life. 

If I end up not being alone down the road, that's fine, too.  But I don't fear the possibility of that not happening.
Logged
pizaluvr
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 586


« Reply #17 on: November 04, 2008, 01:03:02 PM »



Good question.

I think the only reason I used to fear being alone was because it would give me too much time to think of how sad I was.

Having someone in my life romantically filled up that uncomfortable space for me.

After going to therapy and sorting everything out, I'm not fearful of being alone.

Being alone has allowed me to take care of myself which was a HUGE task!

pizaluvr
Logged
hopethereishope
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 205


« Reply #18 on: November 05, 2008, 02:38:17 AM »

I think that being alone is a state of mind. I felt more alone when I was in a dysfunctional relationship than now when I'm truly on my own.

I also believe that people need other people, that we’re all very sociable and interdependent. However, this is the age in which people can be really independent too, and this is something to be proud of and admire.

It seems to me that the main problem in relationships is the power struggle. Someone starts to feel weak and out of control, fears arise (fears of abandonment, being alone…) and it’s the beginning of the end of the relationship.

Logged
faux
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1120


« Reply #19 on: November 05, 2008, 02:42:14 AM »

My fear of being alone is probably the biggest reason I got married.  For as long as I can remember I have longed for a relationship that was ... .special, intimate (not just sexually but emotionally), different than all my other relationships.  That one place where I could be totally safe and free to do and say what I really felt without judgement but with wisdom that i could grow from.  No I don't mean a "soul mate".  I think two people who really enjoy one another and love one another can choose to have this relationship.  It takes work, hard work.  I still want that kind of relationship.  BUT, I know now that being alone is better than being in THIS relationship.  I don't ever want to feel trapped, unfree,, watched again.

So my short answer is... .yes I used to be disparately scared of being alone.  Now I am think I am modified of being in this kind of relationship again.  I'll take alone thank you very much.
Logged
lifeisgoodx10
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: divorced
Posts: 832


« Reply #20 on: January 02, 2011, 04:40:01 PM »

I posted on another board about being alone. I spent a good deal of time with my parents over holidays and realize how they are aging. I have one brother and a niece and nephew. We have an extended family of many cousins, aunts and uncles. I was and am a bit down because when my parents are gone I will be alone. It's not so much of not having a relationship (romantic), as it is having a base, a foundation. My niece and nephew are getting older too and building their own lives (as it should be) and soon will not have time for adults. I'm close to my bro and his wife but they have their lives as well. I just don't have the support system (friends) here since I moved in May. I had friends in my other location and we keep up on FaceBook but they are over 200 miles away and it's not feasable that we will visit often. I think I'm feeling a wee bit sorry for myself.

I'm thinking along the lines of... .who's gonna care for mom and dad when they need it etc. They are divorced which adds another layer to that question. It's not like I could just go move in with them and care for them.

I truely am overall positive about my future but I am down right now. I think it may be just the "after the holidays" let down. I start classes in a couple of weeks which will keep me busy and get me out there to meet people of like interests and goals. I'm not a real social butterfly and it takes dynamite to get me to put myself out there. If x hadn't been the liar he is and the philanderer he is, our r/s would have been perfect. We had each other and didn't seem to need a lot of ouside entertainment. But that was all false. Right?
Logged
lifeisgoodx10
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: divorced
Posts: 832


« Reply #21 on: January 02, 2011, 04:43:18 PM »

p.s.

I drove home late yesterday afternoon after having been with my family and all I have wanted to do since then is cry. I haven't cried but I sure do want to. I think if I could have a good snot slingin' cry I'd feel better. I don't have time for that now though.  I have to work tonight and get registered for classes Monday and Tuesday, work Wednesday night and visit fam this weekend for my dad's birthday. It's pitiful to think I have to schedule a good cry! Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)!
Logged
jalk
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1853



« Reply #22 on: January 04, 2011, 07:44:52 PM »

I'm not sure I fear being alone. I have been alone for over a year now. I guess for me, what I really really miss is the intimacy. There are days I work long hours and would love to have someone special to come home to, someone to say... .hi honey, so glad you're home. To feel the closeness again, the warmth. I really really miss that. I'm ok alone. I do miss good conversation though and having dinner with a loved one. 
Logged
RealEyes
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 550


WWW
« Reply #23 on: January 04, 2011, 08:22:46 PM »

My fear is living with someone, relying on them too much that i cant get alone time for myself as i so enjoy doing since i moved out in 1978. I married once, i need to try to at least live with another man and at the same time remain independent so i don't feel smothered or cornered in the r/s as i have eventually felt with everyone before and after my marriage. I've never even had a roommate except my furrychildren before the marriage and my child afterwards.

My fear is being smothered to death, physically and spiritually because of living with someone.
Logged
Mystic
formerly Livia
********
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 1632



« Reply #24 on: January 04, 2011, 08:59:54 PM »

I don't fear being alone, I just simply want to love and be loved.  I think life's a banquet, and to me, a banquet is to be shared. 

It's really that simple. 
Logged
muddychicken
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced
Posts: 718


« Reply #25 on: January 04, 2011, 10:07:45 PM »

I'm alone but I am not lonely.   Being cool (click to insert in post)
Logged
Mason06
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Single
Posts: 95


« Reply #26 on: January 05, 2011, 09:14:30 AM »

Up until my uBPDxbf came into my life, I was happy being single.  I had even just gone on a solo trip to France for 9 days and I don't speak a word of French!  However, being in my late twenties that trip taught me something about myself--that I don't want to be alone forever and that life IS better with company.  I had lived and had a good time but was ready to really start dating and meet the right person.

I think that mindsite coupled with the fact that I was still building up a new network of friends (not having a solid support group) made me very suseptible to falling for my ex.  I stayed 15 months and have been out for almost 4 months now.  Looking back, it's really hard to admit to myself and even here in writing that my lonliness played a part in me staying so long.

My new network of friends actually came through for me and that is what helped me know that I'd be okay if I left him.  I still have moments of lonliness but I'm seeing a T to work on myself and I am beginning to understand more and more where this feeling is coming from and what I need to do about it.
Logged
livingw/ochaos
********
Offline Offline

Posts: 1699


« Reply #27 on: January 05, 2011, 12:17:13 PM »

This is something that I've been asking myself a lot lately.

I don't know.

If you look at my history, then, yeah, clearly I fear being alone.  I married at 19 yrs, and had my first baby at 21 years.  I was "single" for only one weekend really after my divorce.  I married the very first guy I dated - engaged 10 months after my divorce was final.

But on the other hand, my H travels quite a bit for work.  I love the alone time that afords me.  I can't believe it when other couples report "we haven't spent a single night apart during our entire marriage!".  Ug, that would drive me crazy.  There have been months where my H has been out of the country on business.

And still, I do feel like a rely too much on being in a relationship. 

I'm not that much of a "girls' night out" sort of girl.  I don't usually enjoy those types of gatherings. 

My three siblings are all single.  My youngest bro refuses to marry his long time gf.  He's afraid of losing his freedom.  I'm not like my siblings. 

I also like to do things that are easier with having a guy along to help.  I love to go backpacking.  I love winter camping.  I wold be afraid to do some of  this kind of stuff completely alone.

I also love to travel both internationally and domestically.  Having someone along makes things more enjoyable.  My H is better at reading maps and driving in strange countries.  I'm better at trying to talk to complete strangers who don't understand English.  So H and I travel well together.  Recently my single dd went on a trip by herself to a city we use to visit as a family when she was young.  She's always loved the city.  When she returned she said it just wasn't any fun without someone - her family - to share the experience with.

I'm not self supporting.  I rely on my H's income.  That's pretty dependent, huh?  But it also means I get to spend a lot of time on my own.

Logged
goldstar
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 535



« Reply #28 on: January 08, 2011, 01:55:39 PM »

Wow Rcoaster... .fantastic post.  Definitely something to mull over and I can relate to alot of what you stated.  I grew up overseas also and actually like me.  I love my alone time, but like others here, it gets difficult when everywhere you look there is a couple and people jumping from one relationship to the next without taking a breath.

Excerpt
I like me. I know me as well as a person can, and better than most. I have no problem being alone. But real loneliness, is when you realize that the life you have led, and the suffering you have known, and the strength you have gathered, and the self-knowledge you have accumulated has no value in anyone's life but your own, and you keep waking up alone, and watching the women you are interested in go for unavailable "cute" guys who they would rather fix, than to just be with a guy who already understands himself, and all you want is someone to share the ride with, because you just want to know that someone in this f'ed up world gets half of what's in your heart, mind and soul, but the people you seem to have the most in common with on the rest of life still want to pursue unhealthy mismatched relationships. Next stop? Outer-space baby.



I feel the same way, I don't just want a relationship, so that I'm not alone and it baffles me why men fall for the crazy, flirty women.  I'm low-key, not flirty, but if you get to know me, I feel I'm pretty darn interesting and smart and very caring.  Most people want a quick fix. Quickly fix the pain of the last relationship... .I'm not in it to fixing anyone anymore.

Not many "normal" people out there... .

Logged
Travis
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
What is your relationship status with them: Married
Posts: 824


WWW
« Reply #29 on: January 08, 2011, 02:03:14 PM »

On a personal level, being alone isn't too tough for me. On a sexual level, I have serious problems. After PM, I was sexually alone until BF. I made a vow to myself that I wouldn't become involved with someone sexually again unless there was a real relationship involved. It was extremely tough for me to get through those months without a sex partner. But being without a relationship was easier to handle. I love spending time by myself or with my kids.

This is part of it for me too.  I must have bonding issues with women, because I have a desire to be intimate with someone I feel is attractive to me.  I have NOT become sexually active with anyone and will not until I am in a better place, but its something that I want.  I just want it to be with someone healthy and that I connect with.  I just don't want to "hook up". 

I can handle being alone, I just like having an intimate connection with a woman. 
Logged
Pages: [1] 2 3  All   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Links and Information
CLINICAL INFORMATION
The Big Picture
5 Dimensions of Personality
BPD? How can I know?
Get Someone into Therapy
Treatment of BPD
Full Clinical Definition
Top 50 Questions

EDITORIAL DEPARTMENTS
My Child has BPD
My Parent/Sibling has BPD
My Significant Other has BPD
Recovering a Breakup
My Failing Romance
Endorsed Books
Archived Articles

RELATIONSHIP TOOLS
How to Stop Reacting
Ending Cycle of Conflict
Listen with Empathy
Don't Be Invalidating
Values and Boundaries
On-Line CBT Program
>> More Tools

MESSAGEBOARD GENERAL
Membership Eligibility
Messageboard Guidelines
Directory
Suicidal Ideation
Domestic Violence
ABOUT US
Mission
Policy and Disclaimers
Professional Endorsements
Wikipedia
Facebook

BPDFamily.org

Your Account
Settings

Moderation Appeal
Become a Sponsor
Sponsorship Account


Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2019, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!