10. When Hope is Not Enough - Bon Dobbs

[Bon Dobbs]

When Hope is Not Enough Author: Anonymous (name withheld) Publisher: Self published | Not professionally edited (May 27, 2008) Paperback: 222 pages ISBN-10: 1329444094 ISBN-13: None

I have found my own methods of effectively validating my daughter and wife. That's why I wrote my book. I tried it and it worked. I have not looked at the forums on validation here. I have not been involved in any other forum other than my own and with TARA's during the last few years.

The reason I posted on this site is again two-fold: 1) the owner of this site positively reviewed my book (at least to me, if not publicly) and 2) I have helped hundreds of non-bps - which to me is worth more than the royalty I receive. I seek to share my hard-won knowledge with other nons. I have decided not to post on WTO-related boards because my perspective is not readily accepted there. I thought that this forum might be more receptive.

Bon

[Bon Dobbs]

again, I am responding to my own post. I'd like you to understand that I'm not criticizing your approach, here. What I am saying is that if you want an approach that I know, by experience, works with BPD people - that is why your can listen to me and be effective. My approach has been vetted by me and by hundreds of other people who have read my book and provided positive feedback. Let me compare it to another skill set - let's say your are an excellent tennis player and you want to be a pro. What if someone could take you to the next level? I read the validation posts that you referenced. What I found is that there is a muddled situation with respect to skills. Several distinct skills have been combined in those posts - not to an effective respect. I have separated the skills into distinct skills in my book. Why? Because it is difficult to understand the separation between validation, a non-judgmental attitude and inserting your own feelings. These things are difficult skills. At the risk of plugging my own work, I'd suggest you read my book. It really works.

Bon

  

[Bon Dobbs]

I have tried my methods with my daughter and wife. They work. As I have said many times - if what you are doing is working, please continue. If you methods are not working, try somethings else. If one continues doing the same (unworking) thing, then one is repeating the same thing. I found that about 1/2 of SWOE worked for me. I decided to do something else because I tried something else. I hope you realize I'm not your enemy, I'm your friend in this... .

Bon

[united for now]

Of course you're not the enemy, we have the same goals in mind - to help others.

If you methods are not working, try somethings else. If one continues doing the same (unworking) thing, then one is repeating the same thing.

Bon

I believe that is also the definition for insanity  

I agree with you completely.

I say this often to close my posts: Nothing changes without changes... .

[Steph]

 I think that, with as many people here we do have, we have learned that everyones situation is different and one size does not fit all... .however, you never know whos ideas and thoughts will fit you,  help you and your situation. We try very hard here in Staying to support, encourage and care for our members, toss around ideas and thoughts and we listen ( and validate ) alot.

  Bon, sounds like your situation and mine are similar, but reversed... My H has recovered in DBT and I have a daughter who has not started recovery yet. Its been a long journey as I am sure, has yours been. I always get excited when I meet others who have recovery in their lives!

  What, for you, has made the most positive difference in your family? What sorts of support has been most helpful for you, specifically?

Steph

[Secretsister]

Hi,

I'm wondering if anyone has read this book and if so, what do you think about it.  I have mostly been posting on the "leaving" board.  I have a divorce in the works, ending my 2 year marriage that has been extremely destructive to my soul.  My uBPDh refuses to accept he has any problem at all, but does not want a divorce... .or so he says, although he's the one who filed.  I feel, what he really wants is for me to obey him at all times, let him rage without getting upset and take all the blame.  If I could do all of those things, we could be happy... .according to him.

My question is that I just heard about this book When Hope Is Not Enough and the website does a lot of promoting, but not much explaining how it would help.  I do not want false hope that this book could save my marriage, but I do not want to discount it if it could.

TIA,

Secretsister

[Auspicious]

I feel, what he really wants is for me to obey him at all times, let him rage without getting upset and take all the blame.  If I could do all of those things, we could be happy... .according to him.

Well, as you already know, that's not the right path

We have some materials here on bpdfamily.com that you may find very helpful.  You might try working through our Lessons:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=91938.0


There are some great tools that can help you change how you react, to at least stop making things worse, and maybe make them better.  It's likely that you have not had much exposure to these tools, having posted in Leaving. The focus over there is just different.  The focus here in Staying is on how to work on ourselves, and communicate better, set and maintain boundaries, etc., all in regard to staying in the relationship. A different angle.

[Skip]

This is a self published work (not published by an established publisher) of a first time writer with a grassroots handle on how to work with a BPD partner.  Bon Dobbs is a ghost name.  The author was a member of an Internet support group like ours.

I personally think there are several books from well known publishers that I would suggest reading first, such as Loving a Person with Borderline Personality Disorder and the Essential Family Guide by Randi Kreger.  You can buy both of these books for the price of "When Hope is Not Enough" (a self publisher has higher costs).

UPDATE: New e-BOOK is under $10.

That said, I think the author "gets it" and makes some good practical points which are illustrated with very real life examples.  In one part of the book he walks the reader through how to handle the comments made during an all too familiar phone conversation.   The best part of the book, in my opinion, are the 10 tools.

Again, it's pricey, but there are so few books in the field, and a therapists would charge far more for the same tidbits, that I would suggest reading all three.  

Skippy

[readthisdaily]

Just wondering if anyone else has read this book or has any feedback.  I'd like to order it but have spent much $$ on books.  Any other reviews out there? 

[Magic Mountain]

This just another EggSgells book or worth the read?

www.amazon.com/When-Hope-Not-Enough-Dobbs/dp/1435719190/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1289675195&sr=8-3#_

[mistyclouds]

Has anyone read the book 'When hope is not enough' by Bon Dobbs?

Can you recommend it?

[1bravegirl]

YES!  Misty, that book is amazing!  I helps you understand the mind of our loved one with BPD and how to set appropriate boundaries, what works and what will backfire in your face!

Please do order this one...   and become very enlightened and benefit as I did.

This book helped me turn a huge corner...     two thumbs up!

1bg

[artman.1]

Thank You 1BG, I think I will get this one right away.

Art

[jd+jd]

I downloaded this book 2 days ago for a cost of $7.50.   It's now on my desktop for easy access.

While reading I couldn't help "rerunning" in my mind some of the episodes with my BP when I was totally ignorant about BPD and completely baffled by his bizarre behavior.

If I had had the information and the tools recommended in this book I do believe my outcome  might have been very different.

The tools of validation are very powerful and can be applied in all relationships.

JD

[Auspicious]

I finally got the Kindle version of this and read it.

I too think that it does a good job of explaining the tools, and the general concepts of dealing with a close relationship involving BPD. With the glaring exception I will mention in a moment, the author has a personable style and is easy to connect to. You can feel that you are talking things over with someone else in a situation similar to yours, which is nice.

This book could benefit mightily from some heavy editing. It could definitely do without the lengthy descriptions of how much better the author thinks this book is compared to every other resource in existence. For one thing, I've already bought the book, and I want to get to the meat. For another, there are other good resources (including  bpdfamily, for example), and Dobbs' approach is not so very unlike the approach you find in some other resources (such as our Staying board). The self-praise is rather off-putting, and it takes up a lot of space.

Which leads us to a problem with the Kindle edition (at least, the one I purchased). There is no table of contents!  So if you want to skip the dross, you are going to have to just page through it. Which on my tiny smartphone, took awhile  And good luck finding the good parts again, unless you bookmark them.


But overall, thumbs up  

[1bravegirl]

I have the majority of my inspiring, life saving books on my Kindle and LOVE IT!   I'm so glad you guys enjoyed the book and the easy to connect with style of the writer of the book as well.

Not the best as far as grammatical excellence but overall it drives some awesome points home!  I got mine for very cheap as well...  

Another one that I swear by is  "You don't have to take it anymore!  Turn your resentful abusive relationship into a loving one."  by Steven Stovey.     Amazing.  I think this one really was the one that helped me 'get it' and take a stand for my life. 'finally!'... .xoxo

[Imattertoo]

Thankfully, although I read this book, I did not buy it. The author basically expects any "good" Non to forgo their own wants and needs to accommodate their BP, and does not consider what any reputable therapist or intelligent person recognizes as abusive behavior as being abusive. The only choice he presents is to live your life around their disorder, look the other way when you are abused, and call that a "calm" relationship. His techniques, at best, might alleviate some of the immediate "sting" from the constant abnormal encounters with a BP, but that's about it. You still end up in a totally one-sided, abnormal, abusive relationship- for as long as you stay in it. While I do have compassion for BPs, the fact that most of them can control their behavior in front of everyone except their closest "victims" tells me that they have enough awareness about their unacceptable behavior to know it is wrong. For any person to be made to feel it is their duty to sacrifice their own happiness and peace of mind for a person who does not even care about them is ridiculous. And why would any sane person want to settle for a chosen relationship that is so hurtful and destructive? Because the BP blames them for their own behavior and bad moods?  The only circumstance under which I can agree is when it is a dependent child who is the BP- and even then, I would insist on therapy for that child to help them get a handle on their illness as opposed to inflicting their pain onto others for as long as they live. Life is to short to willingly live in misery caused by any other person- disordered or not.

[strugglingone]

I went through this book and I am planning on re-reading it again. 

The author has a wife with BPD and a child with BPD traits and has chosen to stay in these relationships.  He gives specific ways for Non-BPD's to understand and communicate with a BPD.  His focus is on changing yourself (the Non-BPD) and changing your thinking to help improve the relationship with BPD. 

Has anyone else read this book and have feedback on implementing the tools described in this book?