She was diagnosed when I was already 25

[browns4]

I have over 3 decades of feelings in me, I found this online forum, and I hope you don't mind if I vent. I apologize in advance if I jump all over the place, I just need to get it out.

I grew up in a home with a Mom who has BPD. But here's the crazy part - we never knew it was she who had the problem until she was diagnosed when I was already 25, married, with children. For those of you who grew up with Moms like mine, that may sound impossible to you. How could we not have known? But our mother is extremely manipulative and great at putting on an act. The community we lived in thought she was a kind, generous, giving person who volunteered and participated and spearheaded many wonderful projects. And as a result, from as early as I can remember, I believed that something was wrong with ME. Mental health issues weren't spoken about openly in the 80s and 90s like they are today. As a child I never heard of social services or children's aid society. I didn't know that my issues were a natural cause-and-effect reaction - I thought I WAS the cause!


Yes, I knew our home was not normal, I was embarrassed to bring friends home. But I was a small child and all the adults and school staff and neighbors thought the world of my mother and I was impressionable and lost my ability to see clearly. I was desperate for love and attention and approval my whole childhood. The combination of that desperation and the fear of angering my mother caused me to often resort to lying and dishonesty. And my mother told me constantly that I had issues and things wrong with me. She'd say she loves me and wants to help me. From the age of 11, she sent me to psychologists and psychiatrists to talk about my problems. We'd talk about my lying, my dishonesty, but I was scared/ashamed to speak about my mother. And when the psychologist was smart and realized that something was going on in our home, my mother would immediately terminate my sessions and switch me to a new therapist. I saw 8 therapist from the age of 11 to the age of 16.

I remember so much from my childhood that hurts. My mother on a rampage, screaming with the veins popping out of her, "God damn you kids!" The physical abuse that often went along with it - being hit with a belt until we were black and blue, thrown across the room, grabbed roughly by the arm. Watching my siblings get hurt from her and being powerless to do anything. The feeling in the pit of my stomach when the end-of-the-day bell rang at school, wondering what kind of mood she would be in when I walked in the door that day. The embarrassment of being different from my classmates and not being able to explain or understand why. The nights that I lay in bed crying, wondering what was wrong with me - why couldn't I just be normal? Praying to god to make my mother die, and imagining how wonderful life would be without her.

When I was about 18 my parents kicked me out of my home because of my dishonesty. It was a blessing in disguise. It was a low in my life, and I realized that I wanted to change, to have a chance at happiness. I found my own psychologist and began a road of healing and growth, forgiveness and understanding. I have not forgotten what she did to me, how she robbed my of my childhood. But I have forgiven with a sense of pity for her - a mother who will never know how to express her love in a healthy way because her mind is plagued by illness. How sad that she is not able to enjoy the daughter that I am, to join in my happiness, to be a part of my life. My parents live in a different country and I stopped answering her emails long ago. When we were first married we allowed them to come for visits while the children were young, and I chose to put up with her out of respect - though it was really difficult for my husband to see how she treated me and to remain silent. But as the kids grew up, things that were reminiscent of my childhood started happening on her visits to our home. That's where I drew the line. There was no way I'd allow her to hurt the people I loved.

I know that my mother shaped much of who I am and how my life is today. Much of it is positive - I have a perspective on life that many people my age won't gain for another 20 or 30 years, if ever. I am extremely in tune to the feelings of my children, and am driven to work on myself as a person to be the best mother and wife I can be. I am determined not to let the cycle of mental illness continue to the next generation by being aware of my weaknesses, my buttons, my insecurities. I share them with my children and my wonderful husband. And I ask them to help me work on myself so I don't hurt them. They are my rock, my strength, my incentive, my world - and I want to give them all the happiness I never had. I love and value my life because I worked hard to get to where I am today. I love being surrounded by happiness, love, peace, and tranquility. I love giving to others and having an opportunity to bring those same qualities to the lives of people around me.

But there is the sad part of how she affected my life as well. There are the people that I hurt through my dishonesty, relationships I ruined, friends I lost. And there is the small voice that is still in the back of my head - faint, but very much there - asking if I'm good enough. Even though my confidence and self esteem has growth exponentially since I was young, I know much of what I struggle with stems from a lack of self worth - from being told over and over again as a child that something's wrong with me. It's as if my brain is programmed to think that way. I wonder if anyone else out there can relate to this feeling. I would love to get some suggestions and advice to overcome this mental block.

Thank you for listening, and I wish you a day full of blessing!

[ForeverDad]

 

You've had a rough journey, but you've come out on top.

And thanks to your awareness and determination, your children won't have suffer as you and your siblings did.

How did it turn out when you tried to enlighten your siblings?  It may take a long time to reach them and pull them back from the brink.  Hopefully none of them have chosen to follow your mother's path.

What do you conclude about your father, do you think he was/is an enabler or a bewildered/powerless appeaser?

[OnlyChild]

How could we not have known? But our mother is extremely manipulative and great at putting on an act. The community we lived in thought she was a kind, generous, giving person who volunteered and participated and spearheaded many wonderful projects. And as a result, from as early as I can remember, I believed that something was wrong with ME. Mental health issues weren't spoken about openly in the 80s and 90s like they are today. As a child I never heard of social services or children's aid society. I didn't know that my issues were a natural cause-and-effect reaction - I thought I WAS the cause!


Yes, I knew our home was not normal, I was embarrassed to bring friends home. But I was a small child and all the adults and school staff and neighbors thought the world of my mother and I was impressionable and lost my ability to see clearly. I was desperate for love and attention and approval my whole childhood. The combination of that desperation and the fear of angering my mother caused me to often resort to lying and dishonesty. And my mother told me constantly that I had issues and things wrong with me. She'd say she loves me and wants to help me. From the age of 11, she sent me to psychologists and psychiatrists to talk about my problems. We'd talk about my lying, my dishonesty, but I was scared/ashamed to speak about my mother.

I can totally relate.   I lied to my mom right up until her death.   My dad reinforced it!   "You cannot be honest with her; you cannot win with her," he'd say.   And he was right.  To keep the peace, she had to think she was always right.   To get a break/freedom, you had to hide it.

I also remember being taken to metal health professionals and being "encouraged" to tell that that the reason my uBPD mom and I had problems was because my dad walked out on us.   I started to believe that was the source of all my problems.  What a wonderful scapegoat for her!   I didn't do well in school---it was because dad walked out; it had nothing to do with her demanding things that prevented me from focusing on studying. 

Good for you for realizing this now.  We cannot continue a life of lying just because we do not feel safe telling the truth.   Good for you too for finding this board---it is a wonderful resource for people like us!

[ora0051]

Thank you, thank you!

Just joined the board and I'm struggling with the decision to divorce. After reading your post, I realize it is probably much better for my two boys for me to take action now.

My oldest son might have a touch of Asperger's (ASD) and his perceptions of reality are already skewed. My wife, whom I fully suspect is a BPD/NPD with PTSD (multiple family and relational abuses), is already dragging him through various counselors to discuss => "his problems". I have repeatedly urged her to discuss "our" problems first, but of course this simply results in "issues" and her lack of "trust" in my ability to support her... .  

I feel for your experience, but thank you for sharing the pain - it helps me see what I need to do to shape my son's future in light of this unfortunate hand they have been dealt.

There is nothing wrong with you - you were conditioned to be dishonest - to lie to protect yourself and to act "out" because being a child, individual, person around her was dangerous. Dogs that are bred to fight have immense loyalty to the breeders that beat, hurt and maim them. That doesn't make them inherently bad - they can be retrained to love another owner and can be coached out of those behaviors... .   As humans we have much stronger cognitive ability than any animal possesses. You can and will continue to improve... .  

Thank you!

[browns4]

ForeverDad, to answer your question, it was my siblings who enlightened me. One of my younger sisters was still living at home when my Mom was diagnosed and told me about it. It was a huge feeling of... .   relief?... .   shock?... .   clarity?... .   blinding truth?... .   I'm not sure there's a word that encompasses what I felt when I found out. It was the shocking reality that what I believed my whole life was false, and at the same time the overwhelming reassurance that I was okay... .   I was really okay!

I'm sad to say that I definitely have siblings who remind me so much of my mother... .   down to the way they speak to their kids and the words that they use. I walk into their homes and I hear things that send a chill up my spine. I have nephews and nieces that have issues - some who lie, some who run away from home, some who are just confused and messed up. One of my sisters definitely has symptoms of BPD. Another one acts very much like she has Münchausen syndrome, she thinks her kids have all sorts of health problems and deprives them of basic nutrition because of made up diagnosis. She complains that the doctor doesn't believe her. The children are so thin, its sad.

But I have a few siblings who realized they needed help, put themselves in therapy, and came out on top. I wish there were more of them. Because of my issues when I was a child, my mother used my issues to turn my siblings against me. I have worked very hard to rehabilitate the relationships with some of my siblings. And have mostly been successful. However, there are two people in a relationship and both sides have to chose to invest in it. I can only control my side, and the knowledge that I've put myself out there and apologized for my actions and made the effort to reconnect puts me at peace. The outcome is not in our hands - we are judged only on the effort we put in.

To be honest, I find it difficult to be very involved in the lives of my siblings who are not healthy. It is very painful for me to watch them repeat the same mistakes on their children. I know myself well, and when I feel a deep pain inside of me it affects the type of person I am - as a mother, wife, and friend. I am accountable for that, and so I stay away from things that I know will distract me from being the person I want to be. I have tried instead to establish connections with my nieces and nephews, so that in the future if they ever reach out for support I am there to give it.

As for my father, he definitely is the bewildered/powerless appeaser. Whereas I really don't have feelings of love toward my mother, I have a strange sort of pity-love for my father that runs quite deeply. As he has gotten older I have noticed a deep sadness in his eyes. I feel so sorry for him that he is stuck in his life with my mother, and often wonder how different his life would have been if he were married to a different woman. Perhaps this is a strong revelation, but in my heart I hope that he outlives my mother so that he can have some release, peace and happiness on this earth before it is his time to go.

[browns4]

ora0051, part of the reason that I wanted to join a forum like this is because I wanted to give a voice to the many children of BPD parents that can't stand up for themselves. I didn't have a chance to protect myself from the damage of my childhood because of lack of understanding and a huge sense of confusion. But I can do something for other kids out there.

Honestly, its not my place to give an opinion on divorce because I have never seen it from the perspective of a spouse. I am hoping only to bring clarity to people trying to understand a child's perspective, a glimpse into the emotional and psychological life of an innocent youngster in a situation that is beyond his/her control.

To that end, I am happy to answer any questions you may have. Please don't hesitate to ask.

[OnlyChild]

ora0051

There is nothing wrong with you - you were conditioned to be dishonest - to lie to protect yourself and to act "out" because being a child, individual, person around her was dangerous. Dogs that are bred to fight have immense loyalty to the breeders that beat, hurt and maim them. That doesn't make them inherently bad - they can be retrained to love another owner and can be coached out of those behaviors... .   As humans we have much stronger cognitive ability than any animal possesses. You can and will continue to improve... .  

I really appreciate your analogy.   My husband and I took in a stray dog who very likely was abused.  She was very man-shy, but many good boys and biscuits later, she has learned that not all men are bad---some give biscuits!   If our dog can relearn, you are right... .   so can I.   Thank you for your vote of confidence and meaningful analogy. 

It is probably good that your son has someone to talk with about his problems.  Hopefully he feels safe with his counselor to be honest about how he feels about his mom, and the current situation you are all in.   I wish you the best.

[Kwamina]

And there is the small voice that is still in the back of my head - faint, but very much there - asking if I'm good enough. Even though my confidence and self esteem has growth exponentially since I was young, I know much of what I struggle with stems from a lack of self worth - from being told over and over again as a child that something's wrong with me. It's as if my brain is programmed to think that way. I wonder if anyone else out there can relate to this feeling. I would love to get some suggestions and advice to overcome this mental block.

Hi browns4!  

I certainly can relate to this feeling. Have you ever tried cognitive behavior therapy (CBT)? This can help you reprogram your mind and replace that negative voice by a more positive one. The basic idea is to take a negative thought, write it down and next to it right down a rational response to combat the negativity.

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Browns4,

Welcome!   You are truly a survivor. While I'm very sorry for what you went through as a child, you've really turned your life around and sound like a strong person.

Many of us struggle with that "Am I good enough?" question. It's something we've been conditioned to ask ourselves, and at the root of it is the overwhelming need we had a children to appease our parents. Kwamina's suggestion is a good one--if you haven't already tried therapy, it can be very useful to help you build up your confidence and work through that fear that there's something wrong with you.

I really appreciate and can relate to your point about being a voice for children who grew up with a BPD parent. It's very therapeutic at the same time to connect with others who know the kind of pain that you went through as a child and young adult. Welcome again, and it's good to have you here.

-GG

[chriskell]

Hi browns4! Thank you for sharing your story. I find your strength and resolve uplifting and inspiring. I relate to everything you said (except fortunately I was not physically abused, and I'm sorry you were). I think most people on here would not be surprised your mom was not diagnosed until you were 25 because many of our BPD parents have never been officially diagnosed since they will not seek professional help. I was in my 30's before I started to understand what was wrong with my mom. Like you, I then had to make amends with some of my siblings and my father as well (who my mom had divorced when I was 13 and I then cut him out of my life to side with my mom). It has been a long journey that has been very painful at times, but like you, I have support and a lot of positive people and things in my life aside from BPD.

I think I'm in a similar place as you, and I just try to be kind to myself. I'm kind to other people, so why not to myself? I still work at forgiving myself for things I think I should not have done, even though I know logically I should be forgiven. I agree that our brains were programmed to think we are not good enough. Since you have children, I'm sure you can see how powerful a mother's words and actions are in a child's life. It's not our fault we were given the wrong information, and I don't expect myself to ever completely get over it. But for me, that's okay. When I start to feel down on myself, one thing I do is plan some fun activities either with friends or with my husband and children. It helps me focus on the things I have to be thankful for. I also go back to the books on BPD moms or onto a board like this. This helps remind me that I was a casualty of somebody else's mental health problem, but I survived. Thanks again for sharing your story.