Why Does He Do That? - Lundy Bancroft

[sonnyboy]

Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men Author: Lundy Bancroft Publisher: Berkley Trade (September 2, 2003) Paperback: 432 pages ISBN-10: 0425191656 ISBN-13: 978-0425191651

Book Description
This is a great read for those dealing with a borderline, because it is very likely that alongside BPD, NPD, or other psychological disorder, an abuser exists. The book addresses how mental disorders (as defined by the DSM) and abuser-mentalities co-exist.  In case you are thrown off by the title, the book equally applies to abusive women, and the author chose to refer to abusers as "him" and the abused as "her," for clarity's sake only. This book has helped me in my healing process. Maybe it will help you, too.

Bancroft reminds readers that each year in this country, two to four million women are assaulted by their partners and that at least one out of three American women will be a victim of violence by a husband or boyfriend at some point in her life. His valuable resource covers early warning signs, ten abusive personality types, the abusive mentality, problems with getting help from the legal system, and the long, complex process of change. After dispelling 17 myths about abusive personalities, he sheds light on the origin of the abuser's values and beliefs, which he finds to be a better explanation of abusive behavior than reference to psychological problems. Bancroft extends his approach to problematic gay and lesbian relationships as well, making the book that much more useful and empowering. This is essential reading for those in the helping professions and highly recommended for all libraries, especially those in communities with emergency shelter programs.

About the Author
Lundy Bancroft has spent the last fifteen years of his career specializing in domestic abuse and the behavior of abusive men and is considered one of the world's experts on the subject. He is the author of The Batterer as Parent and several journal articles on abuse that have appeared in The New England Journal of Medicine and The Journal of Contemporary Psychology. The former co-director at Emerge, the nation's first program for abusive men, Bancroft now practices in Massachusetts while training various state and judicial agencies in dealing with domestic abuse situations.

[evedavis]

This is from a book called Why Does He Do That? .  I think the list below can apply to any "bully", male or female.  

I like to think that, had I been able to keep track of all of these things and how often they happened, I would have seen a lot earlier that I was involved with an abusive and controlling man.   Bancroft says it is very hard for an abuser to change, but some of them do, usually when forced by external circumstances, and usually only in a program for abusers, NOT in couples therapy or individual therapy.  

I imagine (maybe wishful thinking!) that what was so muddy and fuzzy and "am I crazy" would have been clearer if I'd had such a list, and checked it twice!  

So here it is:

"My clients have so many ways to bully their way through arguments that I couldn't possibly name them all, but the abuser's most common tactics are listed below:

Sarcasm

Ridicule

Distorting what you say

Distorting what happened in an earlier interaction

Sulking

Accusing you of doing what he does, or thinking the way he thinks (ie, projecting)

Using a tone of absolute certainty and final authority---'defining reality'

interrupting

Not listening, refusing to respond

Laughing out loud at your opinion or perspective

Turning your grievances around to use against you

Changing the subject to HIS grievances

Criticism that is harsh, undeserved or frequent

Provoking guilt

Playing the victim

Smirking, rolling his eyes, contemptuous facial expressions

Yelling, out-shouting

Swearing

Name-calling, insults, put-downs

Walking out

Towering over you

Walking toward you in an intimidating way

Blocking a doorway

Other forms of physical intimidation, such as getting too close while he's angry

Threatening to leave you

Threatening to harm you

When I read "walking out", I think of the angry storming off that he used to do, not simply walking away from a bad argument (when done kindly, this is often the best thing you can do when feelings are too hot.)

Hope this is useful... .let me know what you think if you like!

All the best

Eve

[577days]

Thank you for posting this. Definitely one of those that you print out and hang up, I know I m going too! This is just another great example how their traits are common of the abuser, and it has nothing to do with us.

[panthermountain]

I haven't posted for a while but decided to take a look tonight and sure enough I find a post that describes my life.  I have experienced all of the list except towering over me.  If she could figure out how she would do that also.  I have probably recieved 50% in the last few weeks.  I needed a reality check and got it.  One of these days I going to have to stop letting her put me down long enough to do something about my reality.

Eric

[gertrude]

Thanks for the list - I, too, have experienced many of those behaviors by my ex.  By the way, I took it for three years also - there was no physical intimidation - but his greatest tool for control was storming out on me.  He kept his condo and about every few months he would fly into a rage, I never knew over what, and would leave.  Sometimes he came back the next day.  But at least half a dozen times I wouldn't hear from him for more than 2 weeks.  It was agonizing.  Absolutely agonizing.  And he finally promised that he would never do that again - and he did.  And still I took him back the last time and when he came back, he was colder and meaner than ever.  Silent treatments don't appear on that list - naturally that is not effective during an argument, but it is sure effective for controlling the other person.  

[JoannaK]

We have a Workshop on abuse. It contains lists of various types of abuse.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61403.0;all

[Columbia]

Lundy Bancroft, who is a leading expert on abuser programs (which include many diagnosed with BPD), has what I think is considered one of the definitive books on abusive men and how they think---"Why does he do that"---which is really helpful.  He dismisses several commonly held assumptions about what drives an abusive man's behavior (and I assume the same might hold true for abusive women): that they were abused themselves, that he is overwhelmed by his feelings, that he loses control, that he's too angry, that he's afraid of intimacy or abandonment, etc.  

According to Bancroft, the abusive man (and again, this applies to women equally I'm sure) may appear needy, but in reality he feels superior and entitled---to have you supply his every emotional or financial or other needs.  He also has a problem with your anger--and wants to take away or deny your right to have any or to hold him to account.  Lundy says that the rages are not about being out of control, although they would appear to be that, but deliberate, frightening displays to get us to conform.    

Sometimes we let our abusers off the hook too much, saying that they are just "out of control" and can't help themselves because of the disorder.  I think Lundy's point is that BPD disorders their thinking, to be sure, but so as to think they are entitled and superior in many ways, which allows them to hurt people without true remorse.  They think they deserve to be held to different rules.  Is this their "fault"?  Maybe not--they are still sick people.  But it puts a lot less romantic spin on why they abuse us if it's not about their "overwhelming feelings" that get them carried away.

He offers a lot of examples and evidence to demonstrate his points which I can't go into here, but for sure it's a worthy read.

Columbia

[LoveNotWar]

The first chapter debunks myths and excuses for your partner's abusive behavior. The first chapter alone is worth the price of the book.

So, I'm just on the first chapter but if the rest of the book is as good this might be the best book I've bought to help me cope and understand why my BPDh has been so abusive and hurtful.

The author has led abuser groups for years and has a wealth of experience to draw from.

Has any else read this book and had such a strong reaction? Will the rest of the book be as enlightening?

[rellis]

This book was a real eye-opener for me. I started out reading it with a highlighter in my hands but half way through the first chapter I put the marker down. The book would have been entirely yellow if I had marked everything I thought was relevant. It was exactly my life with him.

Then, several months ago, he contacts me, wants to talk, wants to work on our relationship-wanted to know what might be a good book for him that I had found helpful/releveant. With great reservation, but a glimmer of hope (again) I jumped over the edge and bought him a copy of "Why Does He Do That" and told him in all honesty that it had been my life with him.

I knew better, but there was that hope that he would finally "get it" if he saw it in black and white and read the "why" of the behaviors and saw in print, how he had treated me.

Instead, he told me he was unable to finish it, that it was "too dark and evil", that that had never been his behavior toward me and proceeded to send ME 3 books-one on dealing with Gifted Adults, one on how difficult being a gifted/talented/highly sensitive adult is and why he was so different and behaved the way he did and one on basically How to Be Happy within my Own self-because of course I was the one with the issues.  Then  he had the nerve to want to discuss how reading the books had helped me.

Fortunately I couldnt have that discussion because I had thrown them in the trash after reading the titles-I realized this was nearly an  identical recycle from before-reminding me once again how much I needed help and being there to save me from myself.

Let me tell you, after 17 years with him, trying to figure it all out, I DO need help now! But I will help myself thank you!

[bpdspell]

Yes. This book is a game changer; particularly for women who have been in relationships with BPD males. Not saying that BP women aren't abusers just saying that PD men tend to be more narcissistic in their abuse arsenal.

Personality Disorders such as BPD are usually cormorbid and I feel for certain that my ex was BPD/NPD. He was highly narcissistic and entitled; but low functioning, impulsive, unaccomplished and extremely emotional.

I sought this book because my ex often resorted to threats, bullying and physical intimidation to control others. Somehow I thought I would be different. I experienced stealth abuse, gas lighting, and a ___ load of unpredictable disorientating behavior from my ex as well as lies, cheating, ___ tests, manipulation, triangulation, and your garden variety push/pull.

Whether intentionally malicious or not people with personality disorders are generally abusive because they resort to practiced and primitive defense mechanisms to get their needs met. At its core is about CONTROL. A lot of the abuse involves destroying your sense of worth and your ability to trust in yourself. More importantly their behaviors are embedded in their identity and character.

The most important thing that I got out of this book is that the sick people who resort to this kind of cunning behavior are less likely to hold themselves accountable, are emotionally invested in the powerful identity of "victim", and that changing for the better is as rare as a flying purple unicorn. Simply put; they do it because they can and they do it because there are way too many willing participants.

If you've been in an abusive relationship with a BPDmale I highly recommend devouring this book. It's life saving.

[Free One]

Yes. This book is a game changer; particularly for women who have been in relationships with BPD males. Not saying that BP women aren't abusers just saying that PD men tend to be more narcissistic in their abuse arsenal.

Personality Disorders such as BPD are usually cormorbid and I feel for certain that my ex was BPD (w/NPD traits). He was highly narcissistic and entitled; but low functioning, impulsive, unaccomplished and extremely emotional.

I sought this book because my ex often resorted to threats, bullying and physical intimidation to control others. Somehow I thought I would be different. I experienced stealth abuse, gas lighting, and a ___ load of unpredictable disorientating behavior from my ex as well as lies, cheating, ___ tests, manipulation, triangulation, and your garden variety push/pull.

Whether intentionally malicious or not people with personality disorders are generally abusive because they resort to practiced and primitive defense mechanisms to get their needs met. At its core is about CONTROL. A lot of the abuse involves destroying your sense of worth and your ability to trust in yourself. More importantly their behaviors are embedded in their identity and character.

The most important thing that I got out of this book is that the sick people who resort to this kind of cunning behavior are less likely to hold themselves accountable, are emotionally invested in the powerful identity of "victim", and that changing for the better is as rare as a flying purple unicorn. Simply put; they do it because they can and they do it because there are way too many willing participants.

If you've been in an abusive relationship with a BPDmale I highly recommend devouring this book. It's life saving.

I couldn't have said it any better. Spot on review. Most helpful book I've read to help me deal with my situation.

[Pingo]

This book is definitely a game changer.  Before this book I just thought I was in a high-maintenance r/s or that he was just an overly sensitive man.  I was in total denial about the abuse I actually suffered at the hands of my uBPDexh.  And after reading this book I was in shock about how I had minimised so much and let him manipulate me and actually frighten me.  It also made me understand better the patterns from my FOO and how they made me vulnerable to an abusive/traumatic bonding r/s.  It gave me a lot of compassion for myself and other women who are abused and I no longer ask 'why didn't they leave'.  This book has helped me take the focus off of him and what I could have done better in the r/s and put the focus square on me and my healing.  This book is written for women in heterosexual and lesbian abusive r/ss and also for gay men that are being abused.