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THE PSYCHOLOGY OF PERSONALITY DISORDERS
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Author Topic: BPD BEHAVIORS: Objectifying the romantic partner  (Read 37737 times)
obliv326
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Person in your life: Romantic partner
Posts: 119


« Reply #40 on: October 26, 2016, 04:36:56 AM »

Hi!

This has been very useful and helpful. I've had a relationship with a PwBPD for almost exactly a year, and I've had all manner of things that have confused the hell out of me. The idea of objectification seems to make some sense.

I'll put a few of these out there and see if you can make head or tails out of it.

One of the biggest issues I had was that she always kept me at a certain length from her. We met online, and she lived in another state, so physically we were apart anyway. She showed all the signs of interest... We were flirty, she would be in contact everyday, shared stories about our lives, BUT...

She didn't want to give me her phone number, or arrange to meet in person. We talked a lot about being intimate, but when I had a chance to visit, she simply avoided the question until I told her I had to make a decision, and then she made up a bunch of reasons why she wouldn't know if she'd be free and wouldn't want to commit. So I didn't go.

Since we met online, she had been using a different name. She told me her username was her real name, which I was pretty certain it wasn't... And I was right. In December, after we'd been in a relationship for a couple months officially, she finally told me her first name when I was offering to help her because she needed money to get her car fixed. She didn't tell me her last name, although I leather it later when I got a receipt from PayPal. I didn't tell her I knew it. She also said outright that she was worried I was offering to send money so I could learn her name.

She came home for Christmas and we made plans to get together, but she had her best friend come along to a dinner. I was okay with it. I figured she had been that reticent already and if it would help earn her trust, then why not?

I finally got her phone number and address in March. I was going to send her some things I had gotten from a friend of mine that I thought she'd like. When I asked for her last name to put on the package, she lied and gave me a fake name.

Later that month, she came home for spring break. We had discussed getting together, but she never made any plans. We finally had a big blow up when I asked about meeting and she had plans for everyday. She had also not told me when she was coming or going, and I thought she had completely filled her schedule and was trying to avoid seeing me. I made an ultimatum. She didn't respond, and we were through. That was Tuesday

In Saturday she went to a sex club, met a guy, played with him, gave him her number, saw him the next day, called him regularly on the phone, talked all about the encounter on social media (there was no indication I was alive on social media). Obviously this made me feel terrible. My feeling was that she saw me as a creep or stalker or something.

Me managed to sort of reconnect afterward. I had been clued in by someone that she sounded like she might have BPD, so I started learning about it and trying to use the tools.

At one point, some friends of mine accosted her for her behavior, which had gotten reckless and reprehensible. She said that since they were my friends that somehow I was the reason. She acnowlwdged that I had done nothing wrong, and that it was unfair, but she decided she needed "space", which was just another word for punishing me with the silent treatment. She said she cared about me and it was going to be hard on her too, but she needed space and "silence".

After 6 months se reached out, told me I hadn't been forgotten, and that I was still on her kind. We've been in some contact ever since.

Last week, she was telling me that she was extremely stressed bc she was strapped and had to move in with her mother (the things my friends had said had apparently caused her to leave her job and move back here over the summer). Since her birthday is today, I told her that I would take her to dinner, give her a little money, maybe fill up her gas tank. She agreed. It would be the first time we had ever been together alone.

The day we were supposed to meet, she waited until an hour after we were supposed to be together to give me some excuse about a friend going through a breakup and asking if we could do it the next day. Since she had agreed to meet Thursday, I had made plans Friday, so that wouldn't work. I told her so, asked her to just meet when she could. She said that I was trying to "control how she spends her time", that she thought the meeting was "flexible", and that she "wasn't obligated. (She) hadn't signed anything"

So I guess I'm wondering if you can shed any light on why this might be happening? She actually talks to me now and will tell me about how stressed she is. I guess it's kind of good hat she trusts me with that, and with other personal information. But I have a really hard time not feeling deeply hurt about the fact that she will seemingly do anything to avoid me... But a guy in a sex club? Oh, he's fine! Completely trustworthy. She doesn't seem to get how much that bothers me.

I don't mind being someone she talks to when she is stressed, but that's not the relationship I want with her. I know that, before I found out about BPD and how to use some of the tools, I pretty much did everything wrong. I was very invalidating, JADEd a lot, and I'm sure she feels stressed and judged talking to me... But she keeps talking to me and bringing me back into her life.

I told her, after she flaked on dinner, that I was unwilling to be what I had been before. I would not accept a "text only" relationship with her. If she wants me in her life then we communicate like normal people. (I used DEARMAN, so it wasn't as harsh as what I just wrote). She wrote me back yesterday, kind of apologized and told me about something else that was stressing her out. We talked for a few minutes, and when I said something that mentioned that I had feelings for her, she had to go to bed. That was fine, as it was late. I felt pretty good about th exchange.

Only she didn't go to bed. She "dirty talked" with some guy for another two hours and bragged about it on social media. That didn't make me feel great, but at least by reaching out it seems like she knows that she was rude. And since my message was very clear, hopefully she understands that it has to progress because doing otherwise affects me.

Anyway, if you can shed some light on why she might be treating me this way, I would really appreciate it... And if you know how to escape the"stress guy" ghetto so I get to be someone she wants around at other times too, that would help.

Thank you for your posts, though. They've been a real help opening my eyes... Also, I've told much of this story on the relationship board. They suggested I might be able to find answers in other parts of the site, which is why I'm asking here.

But again... Thanks for sharing your story and your POV! It has meant a lot to me in just the few hours since I found it!

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