BEHAVIORS: Splitting: Painted black

[BPDFamily.com]

If I am reading it correctly- on this forum splitting refers to cutting one out of one's life?  I thought splitting was pitting one person against another- like a child does with parents for instance. 

Could someone please explain what the latter is called if splitting is the former?

Thanks

[whiletheseasonspass]

If I am reading it correctly- on this forum splitting refers to cutting one out of one's life?  I thought splitting was pitting one person against another- like a child does with parents for instance. 

Could someone please explain what the latter is called if splitting is the former?

Thanks

[arjay]

"Splitting" as used in the context of BPD, refers to seeing things as split between all good or all bad... .

BPDs generally cannot regulate their emotions, so by definition see people in extremes.  They "split" someone into being either one or the other.  It is a defense mechanism used to deal with their own unresolved feelings and emotions.

Peace

[SailMonkey]

One thing I've learned as a child of this disorder.  I keep having to overcome my own disordered thoughts.  I grew up participating in the irrational games my father played.  Back then I had to participate to survive.  Now, I have to work against my old habits of thought to get a little perspective.

I'm sure it's the same for people who have been in other kinds of relationships with such disordered people.

[whiletheseasonspass]

Skip ,

That is a superb workshop - your link sent me to.  It helped me greatly- not just to better understand splitting but to relieve me of some of the horror I feel from the behavior of my BPD D.  I am a firm believer is "knowledge is power." ... .and this was a great workshop and I Bookmarked it... .and took notes as well.  I know I will re-read that a few more times until I fully understand why it relieved me of some of the angst I have felt.  AND also when I get the angst back...   There are so many components to understand if you have a BP in your life... .especially if it is an adult child (not to diminish whether it is a spouse or signif. other or parent, etc.) ... .And besides the many components there are so many emotions ripe to come out when you get knocked off your guard by an unexpected - way off the wall "accusation" or comment. 

Thank you

[Kellyanng]

I am new to BPD and was wondering if someone could tell me what does it mean when the BP paints you black or white? Is it how they see you good or bad at the time?

[eeyore]

Being painted black or white are what happens when something called splitting occurs.   Here are some links:


Workshop - BPD BEHAVIORS: Splitting

Splitting / Protecting yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

[Matt]

It may be "at the time" as you say, or it may be long-term.

My ex has four kids - my son (11), my daughter (13), my stepdaughter (20) and my stepson (32).  She has always treated both girls as all-good;  that is, "painted them white".  My stepson she "painted black" starting at a young age, and it affected him dramatically.  When we first got together, of course she treated me as all-good;  nothing I did was wrong, and that was very cool!  But after she "forgot" birth control and got pregnant with my daughter, then she changed and treated me as all-bad, knowing that I wouldn't leave because of the baby.

Only the youngest hasn't really been split yet;  he's ornery but a great kid, and I've expected her to paint him black, but it hasn't happened yet, maybe because she's afraid I would get sole custody if she did that.

Just an example - with my ex it's consistent, but with some BPD sufferers it changes from time to time.

[Kellyanng]

Thank you for the info.

It is so true. I never could understand why my bp boyfriend was so close with my younger son he could never do any wrong and everything my other son did was always wrong or he had an issue with it. Also with his brother and I he would do the same thing he hated his brother and the things he would do and when he was mad at me his brother was the greatest and I was the bad guy.

It makes so much sense now.

[dados76]

pretty much anything can be painted black or white too... if the trailer for a movie plays a song he doesnt like... that movie is painted black... wont see it... my partner does that a lot... with lots of things...

[JGirl2]

With my ex it was when ever we had any kind of disagreement the first thing out of my ex's mouth would be "I hate you!"  That was his first reaction.  It was so hurtful and disturbing.    I would then say something about that and he would totally deny ever saying it.  That was even more disturbing.

I often got the "I love you" - "I hate you" extremes.

[unknown]

if a BPD person splits you black long term, i know they dont see any good qualities about you or remember them. but over time, will ceratin triggers set them off to start remembering good things about you and they slowly split you back to white? or when they start getting angry at there new boyfriend for not fufilling there expecations, do they start to remember the good about you?

[Mara Obrian]

I thought my BPD and I were perfect for each other. We were "in love". He made me so happy. It was only after his suicide I found out somthing different.

I was hoping to find comfort in talking with his closest friends & sister. His mother was too upset to talk at all.

During the conversations I had, with these people, (there was only one with each of them and you will see why)

He had been telling them what a terrible person I was. Painting me black, you might say.

I was cheating him doing all sorts of terrible things, causing him pain.

I was in shock. I thought everything was ok with us. Talk about mixed feelings.

I had gone from being on top of the world to utter destruction.

[unknown]

can splitting black be permanent? i dont see how its possible to hate somebody forever. espically after being so close with somebody.

[hotbath]

Mara

That is awful, one of the most striking posts I've read in the 12 months or so I've been on here.  You are in my thoughts.

[JGirl2]

I'm so sorry Mara!

You are so in my thoughts...  

[Coolfry77]

can splitting black be permanent? i dont see how its possible to hate somebody forever. espically after being so close with somebody.

I'm trying to find the answer to this question myself. Having been so close to someone for them to paint you black and say they hate you really does hurt. Does being split black ever go back to white?

[GreenMango]

Coolfry77

Some members experience cycles of splitting with their BPD loved one, and some experience a single last splitting episode to never hear from the person again.  From reading around the boards you may notice some of this cycling is dependent on the severity of the trigger, coping skills of the person with BPD, and opportunity/availability of the non-BPD person to being receptive - and whatever else is going on in the person's life.

Sometimes the "hate" can turn to "love" again.  It just depends on the situation.  Maybe post a little of situation on the relationship board that best fits your situation and the feedback from members can help to answer this question a little more.

[Arkadiusz]

Hello

My case with a woman was that she idealized me. She created dramas. I objected to her. After a month she began to devaluate me. Slowly ...
Finally, when I refused to go to the sea, it blocked everywhere. She wrote "You are ordinary rubbish"
She ruled me and our time. She lost her job (disciplinary dismissal).
She invented history and an artificial reason for expulsion.
On the sea "jumped" to another man. On a dating site.
My ideas for conversation and to act, she screamed and didn't want to listen to me.
She was jealous at the beginning of the knowledge that I have "Free" status on Facebook. She made a drama.
It seems to be BPD.

[Adventurer006]

I am really wondering about splitting being permanent as well.  I recently splits from my wife nearly 3 months ago.  I believe she has filed, and is resistant to counseling.  She quit 3 counselors on her own and did one marriage counseling with me and seems done with that, though I am still hoping she will come on Saturday.  I believe I am just so painted black, all she can see is negative about me, and if you don’t agree with her narratives, she is done with the conversation.   We had been having increasingly intense fights nearly weekly for a few month.  I felt like she was trying to provoke a big fight to gain a reason to leave and have her families support.  She got it when I involved my parents in an argument, as I needed someone to witness how she was or no one would believe me.   She has completely turned into a different person, and completely turned on me and my family.   My parents and I both seem painted completely back.    I felt, and everyone I know felt we had a great relationship, and did not expect this or see this coming.    Being painted black seems the only answer that makes sense to me.  She had idealized and broke up with me about 4 times in the beginning of our relationship, and then painted my parents and I  black for 4 months about 8 years ago, and was extremely nasty.  I thought she was just immature and didn’t know what she wanted at the time.   We got back together and she seemed better,  then we got married and she seemed even better.    We had about 7 solids years, though looking back, I think I figured out how to give her space when needed.   This past year after having our third baby something changed and she seemed to have been devaluing me increasingly often.   Until now I seem to be painted completely black.   She says she doesn’t miss anything, hated me as a husband, is only seeing the negative in every situation, exaggerating and twisting everything.  Saying that I controlled, manipulated, and isolated her.   It is like a nightmare for me.  I loved and adored her and my kids.  We had arguments as any couple, but to me they seemed common and I though we got past them.  She is bringing things up from 11 years ago now.    We have so much great history together, and 3 beautiful children.  One only being a year old.   I would think something pretty significant would need to happen for a woman to give up her marriage with all that we had.     I am wondering if I am painted black forever, or if it will be longer than last time (4 months).    It is a total nightmare.  She’s had been competent ruthless. And this divorce appears as it may get ruthless.    I have been praying she snaps out of this some how.