SURVEY | Why are you "conflicted" about your relationship?

[ReadingintoEVERYTHING]

It is hard to let go but does one really let go after walking away? In my case I get over things easily but the ones that blew me away are harder, I might walk away and will not turn to look but a part of me begins to die inside. I try to keep a culture and I place the specimin in freeze as I move forward. I guess I have humanity, no one has had it like some in the world and we ought to have mercy since we first believed that something greater would take hold to see it through. Maybe we under estimate, maybe we were right on our first hunch but our physical would fail and harm if we continue. Is it possible for the spirit to be willing but the body weak?

I am one of those that goes down with the ship, there are many like myself out there it's epic... ~although I would love to make the money from that drama.

`'~'^0^'~'`

*wink

[Mouse10]

BPDh is working with a T.  I'm attending school and should be done in six months - I'm staying for now to see how the therapy works, but making plans so I can have the life I want and deserve.

[butrflyblue]

I think the thing to understand is that people should only leave a relationship when they are ready and not when the world thinks they should . I don't talk much about my situation to other people because if they knew everything most of my friends and family would really push me to leave. This board is my refuge when things get tough. My dBPDh recently started taking antidepressants and it is like he is a totally different person. He is happy most of the time and has not been critical of me in weeks. It is hard for me to really trust this change at this point. But I hope it lasts forever because he is more like the man I fell in love with. More like the man I thought he was. Not sure how long this will last but I am enjoying this time with him.

Butrfly

[gina louise]

in reading the list of choices in the poll, I might have chosen several... .I do still love him, in a way-but it's a guarded way. it's not the love I felt for him even a year or two ago. I am feeling less reckless, more hesitant myself.

BEFORE I met my UBPDh:

I had gotten out of a stagnant 27 year marriage where I stayed til my kids were more than grown-and my ExH had a thriving life that didn't include me or my family. it was HIS way or no way-and a raging fight if you disagreed. he was also master of the silent seething treatment. I was forced to perform *wifely duties* whether I felt like it or not... .so one day I said this is NOT working and I want more.

the week after I leased my own apt for a separation he served me with divorce papers via our youngest son. He coerced me into believing that he would pay alimony, and would forever *help me out*. Untrue. it was a nightmare. I left with my personal belongings and my clothes, just to get away from him. I never mourned the marriage b/c I mourned the whole time I was MARRIED!

So a few months later- when I met someone who was initially EVERYTHING my Ex H was not... .it was a great relief. He seemed emotionally available, able to share, he was funny, kind and liked me... .We spent so much time together-just us. My Ex never did that. I was hooked.

I just didn't realize what I was hooked INTO.

I didn't realize that his spotty work history (since late 1990's) was all his fault-and that he was unable to handle normal life stresses, that happen normally with age and time.

I didn't realize that he really wanted to be a grown up 16 year old and have virtually NO responsibility towards others... .and that's why his first W kicked him out. Irrational and volatile behavior is NOT what you want in the other parent of your kids.

I didn't realize then that he makes and has made poor financial decisions virtually all his life and that often meant *using* other people's money for personal gain. (forging checks of family members... .)

I didn't realize that he *feels* differently about friends and family-easy come, easy go... .and he really at some level doesn't CARE the way a normal person does.(unless he needs them for something.)

I didn't realize that his sense of entitlement is so huge that he *blames* me for not bringing *enough* money into my side of the marriage, although he's never able to state what my share should be!

The irrational and volcanic rages should have been enough... .but there's always more to the *backstory*. He can still be funny, kind and loving. And he seems to be ULTRA dependent on me, personally-to be there for him. He asks my advice, he asks for my agreement-we still seem very much a couple... .and I like that part.

Now... .as I find myself putting the puzzle together-not sure I have ALL the pieces yet-I am still undecided what to do with what I have realized over this year or two.

Once I (again) have my own separate financial stability(re:job)... .I will be in more of a position to decide.

I doubt it will harm him much-as I know he will just move along-feeling he had done his utmost for *us* and it will be MY failure! He's perfect... .so It can't be him! 

GL

[Eric367]

It took me several months, after I finally discovered that my wife has BPD, to understand why I was undecided. As well, working with my T. helped greatly to figure it out. The main reason is that I need to be in a position to take a decision, or as T said: you can't shop (options) if you don't have money (i.e. inner resources).

It was not about making an inventory, but about realizing that until I am free of co-dependent ways of being I will not be able to make a sound decision. This, in turn, requires that I investigate deeply inside of myself to find the source of such co-dependency and deal with it. I made a lot of progress with my T, but I am not fully there yet.

I realized that to be able to stay I need to be my whole self, and co-dependency just prevents it to make it happen. As well, by changing my ways and attitudes it has an effect on my BPDw (she can react well or badly, but what I do changes the dynamic, and this can influence what is the best path to take by seeing how the dynamics evolves). On the other hand, if I decide to leave and I am still co-dependent, then I will just end up in a similar situation with someone else.

So, taking the time of dealing effectively with co-dependency is for me the main reason why I am undecided.

[Samuel S.]

For me, there are several things: hope and fear. I sometimes have hope that my BPDw will change. Nevertheless, she is like an emotional rollercoaster ride. The second thing is fear, fear that she will be that much more abusive and fear that she might hurt herself after I leave.

[andywho]

We had a baby boy 14 months ago. But little did i know that it would make her worse then ever.

Andy

[RUkidding]

For me it was her cute lil feet. They were real cute and soft. Wish I was kidding but I'm not:P

[tired-of-it-all]

Fear of the unknown.  Also, I'd been in it so long, I really didn't know how to do anything else.  Worry about my kids.  Guilt toward the spouse; thinking that if I don't take care of her what will happen to her.  I was wrong on all accounts.  She can fend for herself and the kids are better off if at least one parent is sane and living a relative normal life.  Also, it takes me out of the situation so that I can't be blamed for everything.  

Also, frankly the sex of off the map.  I was addicted to it and afraid nothing would ever compare.

[daze]

What keeps me with him?

I am separated from my uBPDh but we are still together and talk and see each other.  Our one year anniversary is coming up - the BPD was not clear in our courtship but showed up during the first month we were married.  There is no way we can live together as things currently stand. 

I am still with him because I do love him.  He is smart, funny, handsome, handy, good in bed.  He can also be sensitive and thoughtful.  We share political views - which is unusual where I live.  He can cook, clean, do laundry, yard work, etc.  I do those things too, of course, but it is nice to have someone to share chores with.  We enjoy just being together - when he is not triggered.

When he is triggered, particularly when he's been drinking which is pretty much daily.  It is very difficult to deal with.  So I'm in therapy, going to meetings, and taking care of myself.  One boundary is that I won't be around him when he's drinking.  We have time to see if he will decide to quit drinking and get help.

Daze

[Somewhere]

The kids.  Learned some years ago that you can only have ONE Number One priority.  I have three -- the kids.  None of my kids are named (1/2 dBPDw -- I say 1/2 because the T started into that last week and now 1/2 has switched T's :D -- would be sad if not so funny).  

Anyway.  The kids said keep it together, and I follow the mission statement.  Ain't nothing but a thing when you are a trained, programmed Engineer, Military Officer type.  Turns out I am not a Co-De . . . I am a Robot.  :D

[SadWifeofBPD]

I'm very concerned about our financial future.  H is so impulsive that he makes decisions without thinking things thru.  (He'll even say, "I don't care" when I point out negatives.)  So,when there are "unintended negative consequences" that he hadn't anticipated, he then says that it was "bad luck" or he'll blame others (often me).

[TXwoman]

Another thought on this as I think back to time I've spent on both staying and leaving... .

On staying I felt out of place because I couldn't care about the relationship the way that most do there.   

On leaving, I felt out of place because I still cared some. 

Undecided lets me care some, but doesn't try to make me care more than I am able to right now, or more than is actually healthy for me right now.  It lets me care just enough for where I am at in my journey. 

This hits it on the head for me!   I have been married to BPDh for 33 yrs, but only learned about BPD 7 years ago when things really got bad.  I have been easy-going my whole life and was an incredibly easy target for him.  Never physical , but lots of emotional abuse.  No infidelity issues.  So I guess I take the good with the bad, but my patience is pretty much gone, tired of dealing with all his either ignoring me or when I try to talk to him, he starts raising his voice and wanting to fight with me- when I point that out , he says he's frustrated, as if that makes it ok!   I'm just incredibly tired of dealing with his manipulation and game-playing.

Txwoman

[TXwoman]

Sorry- the point I was trying to make with the above is that after all that history- I have become apathetic about our "relationship" so, I am literally on the fence, 50/50. 

[Southern_Belle]

I no longer live with my BPDbf. I asked him to leave almost a year ago, however, we have been in a long-distance relationship since he left.

He decided to seek therapy and was doing great these past weeks. After Memorial Day he had a set back and has been having some issues.

Like Eric367 said about being free of co-dependent ways. I have to do the same thing myself. I'm just not there yet. I am very burnt out, though.

[raindancer]

I'm undecided because I'm not sure how much of this is BPD and how much is outright abuse... .

How much of it is his problems and how much of it is mine... .

I'm undecided because even though right now we are in a "good" phase and everything seems like rainbows and unicorns - I know from experience with him that that can change in the blink of an eye and I'll be back on his hit list, in a dark place feeling hurt and alone. And even though right now it seems like we are taking 10 steps forward, he could dysregulate and we could go back 20 steps.

I'm undecided because even though I want to believe that this "new and improved" him is really the new and improved him (I'm human too and I have the need for love and nurturing and validation just like him); it could be next month, next week or next hour that he decides he can do better and it could only be one sentence from someone that makes him go back to seeing only my imperfections.

Right now he's all about how wonderful our life together is - but I haven't forgotten that only a few weeks ago he was heading off to the bar looking for my replacement... . I haven't forgotten all the black he's painted me and hurtful things he's said... .

And, part of me wonders if this "new and improved" him is him putting on a good-boy act because when he started T, he saw how hard it was really going to be. One week in and suddenly he's "fixed" (can't be done and I know this)... .

Does that make me cynical and bitter or does that make me realistic?

[MissyM]

I think I go back and forth between undecided and staying, working on it because I still can't fully commit.  I have to have a Plan B because my husband's mental health has been unstable.  When he is working on it and going to therapy regularly, things are great.  Unfortunately, he doesn't stay with that and then things fall apart.  Now that we know it is BPD, that doesn't mean he will stick with the work anyway.  It does help tailor more of his therapy and recovery work but there is still no guarantee.  There has been 16 years of this and I just can't put all my eggs in one basket.

[HopefulDad]

I have decided: I will not remain in a marriage with anyone with BPD who isn't willing to work on improving.  I'm ready to do my part, but I don't have the strength to do this alone.

The reason I'm on this board is because I'm holding out some hope... . for how long I'm not sure... . that she will get it that she needs help.  Now I know that may be wishful thinking, but she has had some remarkable moments of clarity from time to time.  Also, in comparison to several of the stories posted here, I'd consider her at the high-functioning end of the spectrum which further gives me (naive?) hope she can connect the dots herself.  I have, rightly or wrongly, tried to gently nudge her into figuring things out quicker by using acronyms and words like JADE, recycling and splitting in emails with her which I'm sure she googled.  And I've made it clear that our CBT/DBT MC would tell her why I no longer JADE (he diagnosed her, but only told me) if she would just go see him (she painted him black and hasn't seen him in months).

I've been out of the house for a month and I've noticed her behavior around the children, particularly our oldest with whom she routinely clashed, is significantly better.  I don't think that happens without taking a long look in the mirror.  Another reason to hold out hope.

I hope she is able to connect the dots someday, even if it's long after I've decided I'm done waiting.  I want her to do this for herself, not out of fear of abandonment.  I'd be lying if I said those gentle nudges to get her to figure things out quicker were just for her: Of course they are for me, too.  I want to be with her and I want her to get better.  But I don't want to scare her into treatment.  Then she's not really doing it for herself.

[maxsterling]

I figure I will stay on the "undecided" board until I either commit by getting married, or things deteriorate. 

My gut prevents me from getting married.  I know deep inside that I am unhappy and could do better, maybe even better alone.  But I see potential here, but it is waning, and I am getting more impatient.  I know the status quo is not acceptable for me indefinitely; I need to see more progress from her.  It's not the BPD specifically, but the related issues - the complete emotional dependence, the lack of job, and the severe depression and negative attitude that I can't live with forever.  If her attitude improves so that she isn't so afraid to be alone, can manage some kind of job or hobby, and develops a few emotional outlets beyond me, I think this could be a good relationship. But right now, I have none of that.

[Irish rebel]

For me... .

It's the fact of being in the relationship for 9 years... .that's significant time and shared history. But she wants kids, and it was already volatile enough with just two of us to even consider it... .I think really she wants to fill an emotional void... .which to me is the worst possible reason for kids... .I'm getting therapy, but she is not at present.

The length of time we had together means we had something. Or perhaps were both just too codependent to leave! I'm realistic on that, and in fact we haven't lived together for a few months now. She moved into a relationship quick that keeps collapsing - he was less willing or less able to put up with as much as I was, evidently!

But, she keeps calling me when struggling or low. And I just want to try help her get expert help. So there is the logical mind that sees things more clearly... .but the emotional mind, the emotional ties that kept you together for so long that prevent you from truly moving on, and keep putting that small doubt in you that you can both move on... . 

[hurting300]

Well she never said we were broken up. She just disappeared. What do I do? Honestly I'm just confused over the whole thing.

[adventurer]

When things are good, they are very good.  We have so many shared interested and activities and tastes.  But if I bring up our money problems, there is hell to pay.  I am wearing out from the baiting and from doing so much more than my share of the work.  I am so resentful.

I know I will be financially ruined if we stay together.  She has never worked in our whole marriage and gets mystery illnesses for months whenever I start pressuring her for financial help.  I am working on psyching myself up for a divorce.  This is the toughest decision I have ever had to go through.  I love her and she is a good person, but I can't just carry her around for the rest of our lives.

[hurting300]

When things are good, they are very good.  We have so many shared interested and activities and tastes.  But if I bring up our money problems, there is hell to pay.  I am wearing out from the baiting and from doing so much more than my share of the work.  I am so resentful.

I know I will be financially ruined if we stay together.  She has never worked in our whole marriage and gets mystery illnesses for months whenever I start pressuring her for financial help.  I am working on psyching myself up for a divorce.  This is the toughest decision I have ever had to go through.  I love her and she is a good person, but I can't just carry her around for the rest of our lives.

haha yes! Mine never worked either. And was always sick

[Keep]

I have a 10yr old son who is the light of my life.  He loves his BPDmom, even though she rages at him and he does not understand.

My agony is whether to stay and have him subject to this until he leaves the house, or keep going.  Like I said he loves his mom and me. I am the emotional anchor.  My counselor says he needs one stable parent and I am happy to be so.  Nonetheless I know there will be very little left of me in another 8-10 yrs or so.  If I last that long it will be divorce for certain.

[Lucky One]

I'm waiting for her to improve. It's worth a try.

[Bnonymous]

Staying side:

Because I love him.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from the emotional investment we have both put in and the progress that it has generated.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from someone I have so many shared experiences with.

Because I'm reluctant to walk away from the good stuff and the things I love about him, e.g. his incredible sense of humour, his touch (both the sex and the platonic-type physical affection), his smile and his voice, the wonderful little analogies he creates to explain things, the way he has to line things up and how meticulous he is about it, his capacity for emotion and his comfortableness with talking about emotions, the way he loves music, his compassion for animals, his love of the natural world, the way he sees all people as human-beings and not labels (e.g. a homeless addict and a high court judge have equal standing in his eyes and I share that value and love him for it), the way he (eventually!) owns his behaviour and analyses himself, the way he'd give his last pound to a beggar... .I could go on, but will spare you! *laughs*. I suppose this paragraph condenses to "because I am very much in love with him".

The leaving side:

Because I have had enough of feeling invisible. E.g. I am a loyal, faithful, honest, open, direct person who has never cheated on anyone in their lives and never would, and who has no interest in casual sex (I only do sex in the context of a loving relationship) and yet I am accused of looking for any and every opportunity to knock off any and everyone imaginable. And similar things. I am tired of it. It makes me feel like he can't see me and that makes me feel invisible (even though I know that it's really about his inability to trust and not my trustworthiness).

Because I feel a bit smothered and suffocated - he needs a great deal of time and attention and togetherness, while I am an introvert who needs a lot of alone time and space. Firstly, there's an incompatibility there; secondly, there's the way he reacts when I need space (see my other threads!) and tries to walk over boundaries.

Because I recognise that a lot of his behaviour is abusive and I feel immense social pressure not to stay in an abusive relationship. The abuse itself doesn't get me down so much as the judgment I feel from society about it, the stereotypes I feel I'm being pigeonholed as etc - that is knocking my confidence and making me doubt myself.

Because of the "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" type issues, e.g. how, when I come to him with a problem, he thinks I want him to fix it, when what I actually want is validation and empathy. He then gets frustrated when he can't fix it and I end up having to comfort him in his frustration instead of receiving comfort for whatever it was I was upset or worried about. No amount of talking seems to resolve these basic misunderstandings.

Because I am TIRED. Really, really, to-the-core tired. His needs and his feelings would take up all my time and energy if I let them - I don't let them, but... .It ends up that the battle not to let them takes up all my time and energy instead... .*laughs with gallows humour*

Because, with the way he abuses alcohol and prescription drugs, I don't expect his organs to last much longer and I don't want to stick around and witness him suffering a painful and premature death. And, if I'm honest with myself, this is the main reason I want to part and the rest of the things are part-problem part-excuse.

Phew, that was a long response to a poll - sorry! I just needed an opportunity to walk round all this stuff.