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Poll
Question: Which one reason is the MOST SIGNIFICANT reason that you are undecided/conflicted about your relationship future??
Analyzing – going through “Making a Decision” steps
Love them / they are not fully committed to relationship
Love them / they are pulling away
Love them / they are cheating, physically abusive, or stealing
Love them / they left, not sure what is next
Love them / the relationship is unhealthy
Relationship is both good and bad
Waiting – for them to improve or get worse
Not sure -  about becoming an emotional leader/caretaker
Not sure -  about downgrading lifestyle, house, financial security
Not sure -  about being on my own
Religious conflicts
Concerned about children, custody, shared parenting
Not strong enough to leave
Cannot financially survive if I leave
Other

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Author Topic: SURVEY | Why are you "conflicted" about your relationship?  (Read 17676 times)
empowered_dad
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
What is your relationship status with them: Divorced since Nov 2011
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« Reply #30 on: September 30, 2009, 10:21:54 AM »

My wife was seemingly "normal" until the birth of our 1st child.  She was initially diagnosed with postpartum depression, and starting taking meds and going to therapy.  The depression never got better, only increased over time.  2 years after the birth of our 2nd child, she had a nervous breakdown.  She was hospitalized and that is when they discovered she had Bipolar and BPD.  The meds she was taking for depression were actually making her worse b/c they weren't treating the bipolar.

The only effective therapy for BPD's is DBT.  She went twice.  It helped some, but her thinking patterns are still the same.  The only positive is that she's quit cutting herself.

I'm in it for now, but guessing that our couple's therapy will really reveal the true nature of my displeasure and longings for divorce.  I'm finally prepared to accept the pain of divorce.  Before, I didn't have the strength.  I hope I do now!

Rgds,

Hubby
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JL0414

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« Reply #31 on: October 21, 2009, 12:40:30 PM »

New to this btw... .

I am going through the same thing with my BPD husband. We’ve been married 3 yrs. It all started after our first child in 2007. Things have gotten so bad through these 3 years that I am now living with my parents and two small children. I too am clueless as to what I should do. As mothers, we HAVE to put our children first! Maybe you should separate for a while. I left to not fight in front of my kids. I don’t want my daughter’s growing up thinking this is “normal” either. Has he though, identified where he gets out of hand. Has your husband even acknowledged that he does these things? Is he willing to get help? Mine has and so I’m waiting to see what he does. If he chooses not to do anything or to keep putting it off, I’m going to divorce. I don’t want to live like this forever. My hair is even falling out from the stress and I’m emotionally drained! My kids also deserve a happy, healthy environment to grow up in like I did. My husband didn’t have that and that is why he is like this today. (I believe) I don’t want that for my children.

I too would have kicked my husband to the curve if we we’re still dating and had no kids. I am a very strong independent woman but for some reason, he has me under his spell. At least that’s what I think I would do. I love him so much yet hate him so much. We all feel you!

Well I wish you lots of luck! Just have faith and put your children first ALWAYS! 

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ImmortalOne

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« Reply #32 on: October 25, 2009, 09:15:10 PM »

What was making me undecided... .

1.)  Him threatening to take my daughter out of state 800 miles... .

2.)  The honeymoon phase when he will seem to be trying... .

3.)  My wedding vows - I made them and take them very seriously.  I am a hopeless romantic in someways and others just plain stubborn.

4.)  The fact I am pregnant right now (5 months along)
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jen
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« Reply #33 on: October 27, 2009, 04:27:55 AM »

I can and am totally relating to you all on this one! 

Some of you may have read my posts on here before - I am relatively new to posting. 

Brief background, started dating Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 14 my now H of 20 yrs - I am 40.  Have two daughters 17 & 13.  Thought it was best to keep the family (family what a word!) together.  My mum & dad and sister and her family no longer have anything to do with me as a result of H and his behaviour.  Had an injunction against him and had him removed in April only to withdraw the Injunction and take him back?  How mad was that - I was free and took him back.  The insults are constant, putting me down is constant, I have learned to live with the abuse to try and keep everything calm to avoid arguments etc for the sake of the kids.  I even remember when I was pregnant with my first child thinking oh good at least while I am pregnant he won't be violent anymore?  Why the hell didn't I run back then - what the hell am I doing still with him?  Why can't I leave - I have £200 saved with one very close friend now and want to leave and build on that.  He has for yrs emotionally & physically raped me.  They physical rape I have only just come to terms with - I let him for a quiet life but he knew I didn't want it, just like last night he has been in a sulk and saying how i don't show him anymore and he needs the intimacy - I have tried to have my boundaries in place but had sex with him to shut him up and now he thinks he can maul at me again touching me when he wants, I hate him kissing me the most it makes my stomach churn.  I can put up with the sex but not kissing.  I know he will never let me go, he's hinted what he would do in the past and it's not nice.  I am scared he will hurt the kids to hurt me he is no mental but I have only told two close friends he puts on a good show - I was nearly ready for dying two yrs ago and have had to build my soul back up again!  All I want is to be loved not hurt and for my children to be safe and secure and be loved... WHAT WILL BE  :'(

THE FINAL PUSH FOR ME HOW BAD DOES IT NEED TO BE FORE I CAN MAKE THAT DECISION?
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optimistic1

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« Reply #34 on: October 29, 2009, 04:05:49 PM »

I am undecided b/c I have poured my blood, sweat and many tears in this relationship and I love him. I also don't want to be alone, fear that I will never love like this again, hate to give up when I know it could be good. My mistake is thinking he can change. He just needs to be more cooperative! What a fool I am...   :'(
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samsara
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« Reply #35 on: October 30, 2009, 11:00:55 AM »

I'm new to this forum, just posted my intro.

This very question is what has brought me here, and also to go back to therapy for myself.

My BPD boyfriend and I work together, and live together. 

He's also more or less financially dependent upon me (he cant have a bank account because the state DOR would take it for back child support).

I am trying to figure out what got us together in the first place - was it my own neediness, the need to have an "out" from a previous relationship, or because he did such a darn good job at selling himself and his love for me.

We don't have very much in common, except perhaps a common enjoyment of certain television shows, and our shared love of our cats.

The worst part of making this decision is that there are times when he is happy, funny, sober, positive, and enjoyable to be around.

Then, there are times when he is heavy and sullen, sucking the life out of the aparment (and out of me), and the more I try to detach the harder he pulls me back.   It's almost like there's this wound in me that heals itself every morning, then at night it reopens and he knows exactly where to pour the salt in.

Someone else made a comment in this thread about the BPDs making the nons feel "crazy" and questioning whether or not they're the ones with the problem.  This is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes, living with this guy.   I am wondering if I'm just not twisting myself hard enough to do what he needs me to do, when what he needs me to do is kind of crazy.   and so on... .

My undecided is really based on timing (lease is up next summer), worry about him trying to hurt himself, and whether or not I am ready to be alone. alone... again after being in a series of troubled relationships spanning the last 4+ years.
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newworld
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« Reply #36 on: October 30, 2009, 03:42:59 PM »

I'm afraid that I'm getting used to a certain amount of crazy and my tolerance is getting greater.  I'm worried that my kids will think this is 'normal'.  I don't want my daughter to feel that this is how a H can treat or speak to his W or for that matter how a man can speak to any woman. 



trying_hard

You are right to be afraid of this. maybe, you don't have to make a choice about your entire life today. what if you could create some space away from the crazy to be able to even see what those choices are. can you go away for a few weeks? have a relative who is having foot operations and needs a hand? maybe HE does? can you send HIM off somewhere?

Space is a very vital thing and maybe right now, just knowing you have permission to rr claim some is a place to start.

NW
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unlisted

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« Reply #37 on: November 01, 2009, 12:21:01 AM »

I am undecided at this point because while it would be impossible to leave right now, I want to move towards having the option in the future. I am making a slow plan to make myself less dependent on my H so if need be I can extricate my son and myself from the situation.

Things aren't always bad, although there is a great deal of BPD static in the background even in the calm times. As log as uBPDH has enough pot to stay stoned all the time, he is tolerable, just kind of wasted and barely functional, but tolerable. Marijuana basically acts as an antipsychotic with him. He's gushingly adoring when he's stoned, although I have come to really hate that as I know it's just playing me with reinforcement. He's a decent father, not terribly good, but getting responsible care for an autistic child is prohibitively expensive, so in a sense he is the lesser of evils. He does love his son dearly and we make the boy our focus of our lives. I wouldn't want to ruin that certain sense of stability.

Somewhere at the heart of it, I don't know if I can ever get over the feeling of being used, of basically in many ways being an object that produces some sort of narcissistic supply for my husband. At this point, I don't know if he's capable of really loving anyone... except maybe his ex girlfriend, and that because she is a step removed from his reality and he can idealize her to a cetain extent.

For those of you in similar situations... what heave you found helpful to move on while still remaining in the relationship? In a sense I need to withdraw, protect myself, build myself back up. I do have little cognizant moments of breakthrough where I don't ruminate on what a mess I am in, when I can look at the situation for what it is. Note that there is about 0 chance of him ever seeking treatment, he's so far in denial. Part of my slow escape plan will include that thing that gave me an a-ha moment when I first realized it was likely BPD... a sentiment I see expressed by others... I want myself back!

I know boundaries and limits are important, but what do you working on yourselves say in those moments of affirmation for yourself? Just looking for suggestions here... I try to do that kind of thing already but the BPD pull can be powerful... .just tonight he's out of pot again and Mr Hyde has shown up. So tiresome... .but I know it's not me.
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samsara
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« Reply #38 on: December 16, 2009, 10:23:55 AM »

Unlisted - I do feel compassion towards you on this issue.  My uBPDbf seems to self-medicate with alcohol.   Alcohol seems to take the edge off his emotional roller coaster, but it also brings out his more narcissistic traits.   He also gets really affectionate and 'grabby' when he's drinking - I used to think that was cute but after almost 3 years I just find it tiresome.   

I'm working with a therapist now on trying to heal my own family-of-origin issues which were being spotlighted by my bf's BPD-isms.   I think this is really the key, for me, to staying balanced when my bf is unbalanced.   I'm learning to watch for signals that he's going to malfunction and be aware of my own reactions and feelings when he does.  Example: Last night he was stressed out about money.  He started out with a rant about his family that I'm all too familiar with, then proceeded onto a rant about his ex-gf (his daughter's mom), then he toddled off to the store to buy some iPod thing that his teenaged daughter wants for Christmas.

The "old" me would have scolded him for giving in to his daughter guilting him into getting her an iPod, and would have given him money, or tried to somehow manage the situation.  The "in progress" me listened without judgement or comment, nodded in acknowledgement, then wished him good luck in his quest for his daughter's gift.   I'm slowly finding it is easier to change my own behavior, my own reaction, and remove myself from the room and/or the situation if he's headed for one of his moods.    Having a laptop computer, as well as various hand crafts (knitting) that I can pick up and move to a different room is helpful too.   

I'm working on not reacting anymore, and just staying calm and present and just quietly removing myself from the situation when appropriate.

Since I posted my original note, I've decided that I'm probably going to have to leave my bf next Spring (long story) but I'm putting what I've read on this site into practice in being able to live with him in the interim.
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an0ught
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« Reply #39 on: December 16, 2009, 04:57:10 PM »

For me, I am in the "undecided" category because I still hold out hope that things can get better. 

Just taking this quote as an example, applies to a lot of posts on this thread.

It is important to note that undecided is a state of mind which easily leads to wait and see. Some wait and see is needed if there is a reason to believe things are changing since either our partner, circumstances or ourselves have changed. While holding back on a decision it is always useful to actively work on an escape plan or on staying skills. In fact it can be useful to work on an escape plan and on staying skills. Lleaning towards leaving - until then you keep the staying option open and make staying more bearable. In case you intend on staying - having an escape plan helps keeping calm and firms up your backbone when it comes to boundaries. Working on change even if we believe that therapy of our loved one makes a big difference in our wellbeing because it give us some sense of control back over our lives.

In most cases undecided is a place we work to escape from. I found Ftf too late to join in the undecided category and was getting enough improvement to join staying. But I still remember thinking - it either gets better or I get out. And I try to control whatever I can do and work in both directions.
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Colombian Chick
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What is your relationship status with them: In a committed and loving relationship.
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« Reply #40 on: February 07, 2010, 12:59:42 AM »

Excerpt
I too am clueless as to what I should do. As mothers, we HAVE to put our children first! Maybe you should separate for a while. I left to not fight in front of my kids. I don’t want my daughter’s growing up thinking this is “normal” either.

I can relate 100% to what she's feeling. I too have children and couldn't continue fighting with my xBPDbf. I had to leave to not fight in front of the kids as well. Although my 3 day vacation cost me my relationship, it was worth it. I was able to get back myself.

Excerpt
If he chooses not to do anything or to keep putting it off, I’m going to divorce. I don’t want to live like this forever. My hair is even falling out from the stress and I’m emotionally drained! My kids also deserve a happy, healthy environment to grow up in like I did.

I can relate to her in more than one level here. My hair was falling out as well, I had a big bold spot  and when I went to the Dr to get checked I was told it was from stress. I also had realy bad headaches that also were from stress. But like her I want to give him that opportunity to get help. But I won't know that yet until I am able to really sit down and talk to him. So I think, should I stay and wait? or should I just leave and let it be? I think about the love I have for him and wonder if I'm giving up on him too easily. Or if I'm being codependent and taking a lot of cr@p from him.
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JustSaying
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« Reply #41 on: February 07, 2010, 02:26:11 PM »

Excerpt
I just don't understand - is undecided just a venting board?

Sometimes "undecided", as in "I don't know yet what to do", has to suffice. My uBPDw has problems with me ever saying, "I don't know," but I reserve the right to say I don't yet know the answer if I don't know it. What's the alternative? Fake an answer to make her happy? Screw that. Force myself into a decision prematurely? That's a little too black and white for me and I have enough of that with her. I'm fine with a bit of ambiguity.

I'm undecided because this is way too new to me, not even two weeks into first hearing of BPD, and I don't have enough information yet. It will take some amount of time to assimilate it.

I don't love my wife any longer. That's the first time I've ever written that and it brings tears to my eyes. The cumulative effect of things that have been said to me, not said to me, done to me and D12 have taken their toll and the emotional attachment isn't there. At the same time, I would take on any other person who tried to harm her, so I feel protective, but no affection.

Why not leave then? More than any other reason, I fear that decision would make things worse for D12, and until I think that through further, it would be irresponsible to make any rash decision. If I left, or she left, the chances are very high that she'd soon take up with someone else like her prior involvements, which I've been told were all physically and emotionally abusive. (I'm grandfathered in, I guess, because we were childhood friends from back before any of the BP stuff manifested itself.) I couldn't live with myself if I thought my actions caused my daughter to have to live even a day in such an environment. And I've seen enough friends go through tough divorces to know it's never predictable and never easy. I don't see today how I can put my daughter at risk. I love her so much I'd give her my heart if she needed a transplant.

At the same time, I'm not sure that staying till D12 is no longer a minor will work, either. Last time I saw T, she said, the only question remaining (for this session) is how long you can tolerate this situation. I dismissed that by saying that for the benefit of D12, I can do anything. All I've learned about BP since then, both here and in Eggshells, has me questioning myself on that. I have no hope this will improve. I don't expect it to get worse either. I'm learning that this is just her way of coping in the world. But now that I know about things like "intermittent reinforcement" I'm less likely to fall for them, and the result is I have no hope for improvement. That triggers a "flight" response, but I'm responsible for D12, which triggers a "keep it stable" response. Those two are in opposition, so until I get smarter about this, I'm uncertain of the wisest next step.
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Desert
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« Reply #42 on: February 09, 2010, 12:47:53 PM »

Although I'm recently recovered (having only "crossed the border out of OZ" within the past few weeks) I DID go through a period of indecision and decided to answer about my feelings during that period.

The only choice that worked was "other".  I strongly believed then (and still do today) that it was the last opportunity I'd ever have for a romantic involvement.

In the unlikely but possible event that some of you are tempted to try to tell me why I'm mistaken, allow me to thank you for your concern but gently request that you not try to encourage me.  You don't have all the facts. 

Everyone loves to think normatively, that EVERYONE has a chance for love.  That's not realistic.  There are people whose prospects for a romantic relationship are virtually nil.  They include many people with disfigurements and/or disabilities and people who are morbidly obese.  While I am not a member of any of these groups, I do share their fate with regard to romantic desirability.

Back in the early 90s, someone asked me what I'd do if my mum died.  The thought was so horrible that I couldn't even wrap my mind around it.  And eventually, in 2008, I did lose her.  I knew it would be hard but I would not have been able to comprehend the enormity of that event.  I am healing, though.  At one time I had daily crying jags.  That's no longer the case.

I am finally beginning to accept the fact that absent a miracle, I will be alone the rest of my life.  If I was able to deal with my mother's death, I can deal with this.

Thank G-d for the web, for novels, for puzzles and for NPR.  Without them I suspect the loneliness would destroy me.

I shall never forget, nor cease pondering the irony of, the fact that of all the women out there, the only one who accepted me was one who lacked the capacity to sustain a healthy relationship.
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TonyC
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« Reply #43 on: February 09, 2010, 01:17:02 PM »

i was in love with her... .but... .after diagnoses... and the meds... and the validating... and understanding... came the trip to the pysch ward... .

and as i saw... i learned... .

i was afraid to cut the umbillical... in fear of of her... .not handling it...

i was afraid... to give up the person i loved... 6 days a week and hated on the seventh day... .

fearing i would never feel this love again... .the love that kept me at her side... for much much longer than i should have... .

so i stayed in undecided... .(actually i hid there... .)

till i couldnt hide anymore... i needed to have my ass kicked...

and it worked im better off... .much... .
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trax
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« Reply #44 on: February 09, 2010, 01:50:47 PM »

I got this link in my inbox.  I ended my marriage to BPDxh in the summer of 09 when I filed for divorce (of course, with pwBPD that is not really the "end" It was a heartwrenching decision and not taken lightly in any way.  I chose from the poll "Love them - they are cheating" but its not so cut and dried.  He started cheating after I pulled away big time because of other hurtful behavior.  All of the following were big reasons that I was undecided, plus a few that were smoke and mirrors reasons.  Edited to add:  I just realized I answered the poll wrong.  The cheating was why I finally left.  The biggest reasons I stayed on the fence so long was because I was hoping things would get better and religious conflicts.  I lived in the land of magical thinking for many many years.  Its strange to be out of that now, a total change of perspective on life.

Love them / they are cheating, physically abusive, or stealing

Love them / the relationship is unhealthy

Waiting – for them to improve or get worse

Not sure -  about being on my own

Religious conflicts

Concerned about children, custody, shared parenting

Not strong enough to leave

The stark naked truth is that I knew marrying him was a bad idea and I did it anyway.  I did not want to be alone or lose this person that I was so tangled up with.  When I found out he was cheating it was a way out for me - he had broken our vows - and I took it.  I still loved him and I still wanted things to be better, but the truth was they were bad and not getting better and.  I've been completely validated by his behavior with his new wife.  Nothing about him has changed for the better.

I recently accepted the fact that, in addition to BPD, my xh is most likely a sociopath.  That made it much easier to let go.  That made it clear to me that I would never, could never have made it better
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crashnburn
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« Reply #45 on: February 09, 2010, 05:56:02 PM »

i was "undecided" because my checklist for leaving a relationship did not include BPD. then i left because i caught him flirting again. this might be a prelude to cheating and i don't wanna be entangled too much when it happens.

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« Reply #46 on: February 09, 2010, 07:49:43 PM »

I was undecided the last month of the relationship due to his back and forth behavior. It was push/pull and I recognized the patterns. The reason the break up has been difficult is due to how much I miss the good times, the emotional support, and the companionship. We had a lot of fun yet he is a controlling person and I felt myself chafing under his control. The relationship was on his terms. I guess he sensed my withdrawal and he bailed for another woman. She dumped him. Now he has offered friendship and I declined.

I know the relationship is not genuine if I cannot express my needs and have them met. Right now I am vulnerable, grieving the loss of the dream of our future together and coming to terms with how he presented himself and who he really is underneath. I am not perfect, I was dependent on him to relieve me from the stressors of being a single parent. I don't have a network of close friends, I work too hard and too much at times, and wasn't taking care of me. It was all about family, him, career and me last. I am now discovering who I am and working through my issues. I have not jumped into a new relationship. I am in therapy. As lonely as I am at times, I know this is healthy response to change. This stuff is work and sometimes I am scared I will never have a permanent, loving relationship. I am building that loving relationship with me. This is new. I find not thinking of the what ifs and only ifs help me get through the day. Having a plan for each day and working that plan is the best I can do.
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Colombian Chick
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« Reply #47 on: February 09, 2010, 08:06:51 PM »

I was undecided the last month of the relationship due to his back and forth behavior. It was push/pull and I recognized the patterns. The reason the break up has been difficult is due to how much I miss the good times, the emotional support, and the companionship. We had a lot of fun yet he is a controlling person and I felt myself chafing under his control. The relationship was on his terms. I guess he sensed my withdrawal and he bailed for another woman. She dumped him. Now he has offered friendship and I declined.

I know the relationship is not genuine if I cannot express my needs and have them met. Right now I am vulnerable, grieving the loss of the dream of our future together and coming to terms with how he presented himself and who he really is underneath. I am not perfect, I was dependent on him to relieve me from the stressors of being a single parent. I don't have a network of close friends, I work too hard and too much at times, and wasn't taking care of me. It was all about family, him, career and me last. I am now discovering who I am and working through my issues. I have not jumped into a new relationship. I am in therapy. As lonely as I am at times, I know this is healthy response to change. This stuff is work and sometimes I am scared I will never have a permanent, loving relationship. I am building that loving relationship with me. This is new. I find not thinking of the what ifs and only ifs help me get through the day. Having a plan for each day and working that plan is the best I can do.

WOW I feel likeI wrote this post!

It still amazes me how everbodies stories here are similar to each other.
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« Reply #48 on: February 10, 2010, 04:21:48 PM »

At our ages of 67 and 62 (him) we depend on each other unfortunately. Some days I think perhaps we could still help each other if we lived apart--his family history is of divorced parents staying in phone contact and spending holidays together. Even his stepfather went to his ex-wife's house when she was ill because when you're older, your support system no longer includes parents (if alive, you may be their caretaker, driver, etc.) and health problems are commonplace for some people.

My therapist said she is supposed to tell women married 30 yrs or more to stay, so that is on my mind. What would happen the first time I needed immediate help? Reinjured back? Trip to hospital? That is the biggest thing on my mind at times. Freedom from ongoing stress competes with it after he's hateful. But being practical is a mindset I've had all my life. I've looked for information about support networks and of course being active in a church is rewarding, but we stopped going after our son was grown. I personally didn't like lying to people at church and one less place to have to pretend.

To continue being a homemaker, does it mean tolerating the disappointing actions of my BPDh? I continue shopping and planning meals or enjoy going out, and holiday plans repeat year-after-year. Lately though I contemplate waving the white flag and admitting all that is over. Feels like beginning the last stage of life like becoming an older widow instantly, yet alone by choice. Does my son become responsible for me? Do I get moved to Arizona near him and into a little apartment like where I started out? One decision from me and nothing is the same. Good or bad?

It is funny, but I try to imagine myself traveling alone to visit my son's family, and I recall the December trip where we returned home and got on the wrong shuttle bus to remote parking. I believe that I did point at the correct bus, but followed h's lead because I'm usually wrong. The bus driver figured it out for us and I had to admit we looked like two bumbling old people, and that was combining our resources and wits. We'd also deplaned into a brand new AA terminal that looked like a big mall with a huge, round bar in the center where people were laughing it up and having a good time. We might as well have landed in the wrong city for how confused we were. Someone had to hold my luggage for me on the escalator since I can't do rollers and getting on at same time, and h had ignored me and plowed through a crowd when I told him we'd just passed the elevator.

I have a sense now of different consequences of acting unwisely. Considering no job or desire to work again, imagining living on half our income is not as bad as the unpredictability. Being stoic and complacent is easier due to much practice by now, but there is the practical side trying to avoid some new crisis. All it takes is an illness or bad news, and I depend on him for transportation and immediate help.
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« Reply #49 on: February 11, 2010, 05:52:58 AM »

I am undecided because of the guilt. If I leave he will have no money, nothing to do and be bored. I give him the money, give him something to do and take him everywhere. He has no job, how will he find one without me? How can I leave him on his own with his own distructive thoughts?

This is how I feel. I can't let go... .cupidhit
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« Reply #50 on: February 11, 2010, 09:39:05 PM »

That's a lot to do for anyone and it must be hurtful at times to hope for more from him. What would he do if he had to get by due to some unforseen circumstance, God forbid, and you were out of commission for awhile. Does he have family somewhere? Friends? Can he qualify for food stamps? Low income apt.? What was he doing before he met you?

Does he have a trade or profession that could eventually provide employment? Would he work at any job he could get if he had to in order to avoid a homeless shelter?

There might be things he'd have to do that he wouldn't like compared to having you do everything, but could you negotiate some freedom for yourself? You could still be a friend and yet have some options for your peace of mind that this is not permanent?

Even if he were your child, it would be time to insist he do something. You said you find things for him to do and maybe these are things that get him out of the house and around other people, especially if he can help someone with his time. Being useful is good for everyone and could keep him active.

I hope this forum helps you deal with these problems. It isn't pleasant to feel trapped, I know.

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« Reply #51 on: February 15, 2010, 02:30:26 PM »

I know the relationship is unhealthy. I know she'll never leave her BPD mom and I know if I stay, I'll become mentally screwed up because of this woman... .but I love her and everyone tells me things won't get better and I should return to Texas... .but I don't want to leave her, I'm too confused. It's too painful for me to lose her. I can't simply walk away, I don't think I have the capability to hurt her like that. She won't get better, I know that. Financially they're both irresponsible, mentally they're both immature and vicious at times (though more the mother in law than my wife), and more and more my wife thinks things will get better... .they won't. I know I should go, but I can't. I can't bring myself to. I love her, I don't want to lose her, I'm a broken... .I CAN'T leave her. I don't want to, but I do... .I want to leave her mother. I want to leave and wait for her to figure things out, but I don't think that'll ever happen. Her mother scares the crap out of me... .I know eventually I'll have to go... .but I HATE the thought of it. I hate the pain of it. I want to be with her the rest of my life, god I do... .I know she won't do any therapy or anything to improve herself or her situation... .it's really a lost cause. I don't even know what to do. I need HELP
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« Reply #52 on: February 16, 2010, 04:20:20 PM »

I am undecided because of the guilt. If I leave he will have no money, nothing to do and be bored. I give him the money, give him something to do and take him everywhere. He has no job, how will he find one without me? How can I leave him on his own with his own distructive thoughts?

This is how I feel. I can't let go... .cupidhit

Yow!  My uBPDbf has a job (we work for the same company) but the codependency runs really really deep between us.

We are vampire and victim

Parasite and host

... .and the moon and the tide.

I get very little from this relationship except for companionship.

He gets financial help (I pay more than half the rent + utilities), and someone who he can talk at (and sometimes even talk with).

I'm terrified to leave him (but yet I frequent the leaving board) because he's already had 2 suicide attempts in his life after break-ups and/or "bad stuff" happening in his life.  I'm afraid he will just give up, kill himself outright, or kill himself slowly by transitioning from high functioning alcoholic to low functioning alcoholic.

He's absolutely terribly attached to me.  His emotional instability triggers all sorts of nasty FOO things in me related to my uBPD/NPD mom.

So... in a nutshell... .I waver between undecided and leaving, because it's "just like mom used to make". 

It's not very life enriching, but it's familiar.

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« Reply #53 on: February 16, 2010, 06:24:43 PM »

The real reason?  Because I am codependent with women.  I love it when they are pretty, petite, intelligent, can be initially charming and bathit_ crazy.  That is the combination that seems to affect me the most. 

But I am gradually learning how unhealthy it was.
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« Reply #54 on: February 17, 2010, 07:49:19 AM »

Other: maybe?

Me, I have been in the relationship (not intimate for 10 years) untill we got intimate. I'm afraid of the world out there. I'm gathering all my strength to become myself. Im in the process of making real decissions. Knowledge is power: knowing semi-ex uBPDgf's behaviour by reading about BPD and related psychology works shows me that I am a human. That I can fit in somewhere. I still need to find out if I'm the fighter that can handle my BP or if I need something else. The knowledge reliefs me of the fear of the outside world. I feel better prepared to step away from her into the "normal" world. My blurry view of the world is fading and my focus on how the world turns opens up step by step by reading through BPD related books, forums and other stuff. Still I love that person and I care about her. In some way I still have a feeling that I interpret as "owing" her my help. Still I do think I am still missing knowledge to KNOW what I want, need, feel.
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« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2010, 04:57:30 PM »

I could answer to several on the pole.

For me is I lover her and I did say to death do us part and I like being around her, But now I have a S<1. She got much better after a suicide attempt about 5 years ago.

She started to slip back just before she got pregnant and I was almost ready to leave her again. I say again because the first time I said it she jumped from a moving car on the freeway and then she realized that she had a problem and promise to change.

Any way I love her and been with her for over 13+ years and enjoy being around her when she is normal.

I want to leave because I’m tired of the constant anger and empty threats that one day may not be empty. She has threatened to call the cops again this weekend that makes this the 4 time in the last 2 months. She says she love our S<1 but she want time away from him but threaten that no one can take him away from her with out a fight. I think it would devastate her if I were to ask for full custody but if I don’t, I don’t want to be responsible for what she has the poetical of doing to him. I caught her yelling at him several times but she denies it and says she never would then turns around and says she can if she wants to.

I just wish she was normal. But I’m finding out after 13 years that we really don’t have any thing in common. A lot of the things that she said that she likes she really does not. I’m beginning to think that it was a show, and that what all the excuses for not doing any thing are for. 

Every one tell me I she just cut and run up, and leave, but how do you stop loving some one after 13 years. Well I don’t lover her the same way as I did before just thing I’m doing some thing wrong for wanting to leave. I feel more like we are roommates then H&W, but not just any roommate but a know-it-all 16 year old who want nothing more the to boss me around all day, but she 36 not 16

I seem to talk my self in to staying then leaving then back to staying. I always hope she will get better. But reality has shown that its up and down and right know is an up on the way down and I don’t think I can survive another down

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« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2010, 05:19:35 PM »

Okay - for me undecided is where I am at right now.  Hubby and I start marriage counseling tomorrow.  He has already made it real clear that if I try to leave it will be a custody battle for sure.  Today he told me that we could divorce if I want but he is not leaving his children.  Counseling is going to help one way or the other.  Either we will determine that we will part ways amicably and work together in the best interest of the children or we will work to try and save our marriage but that will definitely require change on both our parts.  At this point although I am undecided about the relationship, I am decided about the fact that I will no longer live with the abuse that he is handing out.  He says that it is my fault for allowing this to escalate to the point that it is at and on that front he is absolutely correct.  I do admit that it really took me until about 9 months ago to see that this relationship was not working for me.  Up until then I took all of it.  That is why I feel that I need to give this a little time.  I am attending counseling and also preparing all the things I need to do to leave if necessary.  For years now I have had nothing in my name and have virtually disappeared.  It is just now that I am fighting to create "me" again.  I didn't actually realize I was lost until I reconnected with some old friends and realized that I had completely vanished.  Again in my case these issues didn't just happen overnight they crept in gradually and over time he kept taking more and more advantage and I kept allowing it... .I know that is a mistake that I won't make again.  I am back to stay! Thanks for posing the question and btw I have been looking at the other boards as well, so I know what I am in for no matter how this whole thing goes.  Thanks for listening... .Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #57 on: July 26, 2010, 05:55:10 PM »

Hi Tired0022,

MC is hard for BPDs. Problem solving is per-se often perceived as invalidating. In preparation of MC can you review the lessons on avoiding invalidation? And how a validating response looks. And how S.E.T. works.

Not because you want to be nice, but you want to be effective. No point in MC if he gets dysregulated.
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  Writing is self validation. Writing on bpdfamily is self validation squared!
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« Reply #58 on: July 26, 2010, 06:08:33 PM »

an0ught - you are always there when I need you... .Laugh out loud (click to insert in post) anyway can you tell me how to access SET since you have referred me to those guidelines before and I haven't been able to access them.  Thanks as always for the guidance! I will keep you posted on the MC.  Say an extra prayer for me!  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #59 on: July 26, 2010, 11:48:14 PM »

SET is desribed in this video: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a104.htm

There is also a workshop on communication techniques that should help.

MC is tough for a person with BPD.
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