BPD's Love Language

[Depression = 72% of members]

If you're familiar with "The Five Love Languages", you know the theory that each person has a different "love language".  For some people it's affection, others it's gifts, acts of service, etc.  I used to think that BPDMIL's love language was gifts.  But yesterday I was thinking about our relationship with her, and I came to the conclusion that her "love language" isn't one of the five.  Given that she doesn't know what "Love" really even means, I think her skewed love language is having an absence of boundaries.  I think she feels loved when she can do or say whatever she wants (no matter how outrageous) and the person won't leave, or the person will always come back. 

I know this is probably nothing new, but it helped me to explain to DH how being LC with her is not sustainable long-term (we were NC for almost 7 years but then for whatever reason he decided to call her a year ago and thinks he can maintain a "keep her at a distance with lots of boundaries" relationship with her).  Eventually she will realize that the boundaries are not coming down, which will make her again feel that we don't love her.  And it will all blow up again and result in NC. 

Anyway, I've been trying to explain to DH ever since he called her, that eventually we are going to end up repeating what happened in the past and it's going to be ugly, and he's been convinced that if we just keep her at a distance, we can somehow control the situation (thankfully there is actually lots of physical distance between us).  Explaining it this way helped him to see that it's not something we can control.  That she will see the boundaries as evidence that we don't love her.  She will be incapable of respecting them because in her mind, it means she's not loved.  And if she's not loved by us, it means we're bad people.  And if we're bad people, then it justifies all the crappy things she's done to us.  We either have to let her have boundary-less access and deal (suffer under) with the misery and drama she causes, or we have to put boundaries up and end up back at NC.  There's no in-between, which is what he's been hoping to achieve.  I think he sees it more clearly now.

[JustDucky]

If you're familiar with "The Five Love Languages", you know the theory that each person has a different "love language".  For some people it's affection, others it's gifts, acts of service, etc.  I used to think that BPDMIL's love language was gifts.  But yesterday I was thinking about our relationship with her, and I came to the conclusion that her "love language" isn't one of the five.  Given that she doesn't know what "Love" really even means, I think her skewed love language is having an absence of boundaries.  I think she feels loved when she can do or say whatever she wants (no matter how outrageous) and the person won't leave, or the person will always come back. 

I know this is probably nothing new, but it helped me to explain to DH how being LC with her is not sustainable long-term (we were NC for almost 7 years but then for whatever reason he decided to call her a year ago and thinks he can maintain a "keep her at a distance with lots of boundaries" relationship with her).  Eventually she will realize that the boundaries are not coming down, which will make her again feel that we don't love her.  And it will all blow up again and result in NC. 

Anyway, I've been trying to explain to DH ever since he called her, that eventually we are going to end up repeating what happened in the past and it's going to be ugly, and he's been convinced that if we just keep her at a distance, we can somehow control the situation (thankfully there is actually lots of physical distance between us).  Explaining it this way helped him to see that it's not something we can control.  That she will see the boundaries as evidence that we don't love her.  She will be incapable of respecting them because in her mind, it means she's not loved.  And if she's not loved by us, it means we're bad people.  And if we're bad people, then it justifies all the crappy things she's done to us.  We either have to let her have boundary-less access and deal (suffer under) with the misery and drama she causes, or we have to put boundaries up and end up back at NC.  There's no in-between, which is what he's been hoping to achieve.  I think he sees it more clearly now.

[funfunctional]

Hi Ducky,

You may be right. Pattern may repeat and then the boundaries have to be made BIGGER and sometimes to the point of no contact.   

As far as love language.  IDK much about that.  I do think that BPD's often have extreme insecurities and rejection but seem to hold everyone else accountable for their own feelings. There love is received as "what can you do for them or give them".    They also want to gain more people on their "perceived side" hence why boundaries are broken.   If there is someone they hate they want to make sure that more people jump on board the hate parade as it is feeds their soul.    Some people feed their soul with books and love and friendship and passions and good things in life.    Many with BPD just hate and are angry at the world and blame and feed their soul by smashing those people they most hate/target in their lives and lying and then some add the drama.  Give me more drama cause I can hate more and talk more... .exhausting!   

Hang in there and keep working at the boundaries.   You know it can blow up at anytime but keep trying.

[tryintogetby]

I think you're right. I'm not 100% sure, but I think it was Lawson that used the term "Oral Greediness" to describe BPD's and love: they act like a baby that has gone without feeding for too long, and scream and pull for the nipple.  They're *always* starving, and *absorb* anything they can. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this.