Could it happen again?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After 12 years of living hell with my undiagnosed BPDex, I finally filed for divorce a few months ago, and am trying to move on.  It was the best decision I could have ever made for myself and my kiddos. 

I am not ready to start dating anytime soon, but I am curious WHY I fell for him, why I didn't listen to the gut instincts I had along the way (and I did have them).  And most importantly will I ever feel like I can trust my instincts and date?  At the moment, I am not interested anyway, but I know there will likely come a time where I am.

I have read several places that the people who fall for these guys (and girls) are insecure and tend to be caregivers.  I do like to help people, but I am not the slightest bit insecure, and came from a wonderful nurturing family.  I met him when I was only 16 (now 32) so I do think I was a bit naive.  But even at 18 there were lots of things that were huge red flags that I told myself "everyone has faults / maybe he's only like this because we have a long distant relationship".

I realized really early into the marriage that things were really bad, extremely controlling, and that he wasn't capable of changing.  I understand why I stayed as long as I did in the marriage (didn't "believe" in divorce / wanted to do everything I could to make it work / wanted to work it out so the kids wouldn't grow up in a divorced house, etc)

What I don't understand is why was I attracted to his fake charisma in the first place?  And why I didn't run for the hills after the first red flags started going up (before we were married)?

I am intelligent, confident in my looks, friendly, successful in pretty much everything I do.  I know I could have had a great guy, and made a great wife for someone, but instead I have been abused for the past 12 years, while I constantly walked on eggshells trying to make everything somehow get better.  Why?

[jbkt16]

After 12 years of living hell with my undiagnosed BPDex, I finally filed for divorce a few months ago, and am trying to move on.  It was the best decision I could have ever made for myself and my kiddos. 

I am not ready to start dating anytime soon, but I am curious WHY I fell for him, why I didn't listen to the gut instincts I had along the way (and I did have them).  And most importantly will I ever feel like I can trust my instincts and date?  At the moment, I am not interested anyway, but I know there will likely come a time where I am.

I have read several places that the people who fall for these guys (and girls) are insecure and tend to be caregivers.  I do like to help people, but I am not the slightest bit insecure, and came from a wonderful nurturing family.  I met him when I was only 16 (now 32) so I do think I was a bit naive.  But even at 18 there were lots of things that were huge red flags that I told myself "everyone has faults / maybe he's only like this because we have a long distant relationship".

I realized really early into the marriage that things were really bad, extremely controlling, and that he wasn't capable of changing.  I understand why I stayed as long as I did in the marriage (didn't "believe" in divorce / wanted to do everything I could to make it work / wanted to work it out so the kids wouldn't grow up in a divorced house, etc)

What I don't understand is why was I attracted to his fake charisma in the first place?  And why I didn't run for the hills after the first red flags started going up (before we were married)?

I am intelligent, confident in my looks, friendly, successful in pretty much everything I do.  I know I could have had a great guy, and made a great wife for someone, but instead I have been abused for the past 12 years, while I constantly walked on eggshells trying to make everything somehow get better.  Why?

[once removed]

hi jbkt16 

these are good and productive questions to ask of ourselves. i dont think youre alone in being attracted to "fake charisma" either, some of the most narcissistic people youll ever meet may be some of the most admired people youll ever meet.

have you thought about exploring how this applies to you on the personal inventory board and/or with a therapist?

[FannyB]

Hi jbkt16

You said it yourself - you were naive at 16 with not a lot to compare him to in a relationship sense. Many of us on here are considerably longer in the tooth and still fell for pwBPD - in some cases multiple times! 

I'm sure if you digest the lessons on these boards you will be well prepared next time you date. You seem to have strong values and a lot to offer a potential partner - just make sure it's one who deserves you next time.


Fanny

[WoundedBibi]

Maybe once you noticed the   the thought of leaving would have made you feel guilty or ashamed.

For not being able to make the marriage work, for breaking your vows, for not being able to explain to others why you wanted out, for feeling tricked, for abandoning him, maybe worrying who would take care of him.

And you saw something good in him too early on that you thought made up for the 'everybody has flaws'-flaws.

[emergent]

You sound way too BPD-wise and way too well-balanced to let it happen again. Not that it isn't always a possibility, but in your case it seems unlikely to me. You will listen more carefully to your gut instincts now that you have been through what you have been through (and I'm really sorry you had to go through it).

Just for some perspective, I have recently started seeing someone new after my BPD breakup (15 years together, marriage, 2 kids - and my history is like yours, confident and raised in a loving family). Two months in to the new relationship, I am still wary, now and then seeing signs of BPD that are not really there. Not that I'm paranoid, but my radar is on. There is no BPD here, thankfully. I am finally able to blossom as a loving partner to someone normal, and it is a beautiful thing. 

[Bushido]

After 12 years of living hell with my undiagnosed BPDex, I finally filed for divorce a few months ago, and am trying to move on.  It was the best decision I could have ever made for myself and my kiddos. 

but instead I have been abused for the past 12 years, while I constantly walked on eggshells trying to make everything somehow get better.  Why?

congratulations to you ... .

my relationship for 18 years is now done for.

she found herself a replacement so i´m just the bad guy!

i ask myself the same question. . . why the f... .didn´t i just leave...

well . . . now i just have to finish the divorce hell . .

which i´m sure she´s going to try to rip me a part in... .

i was 15 when i met her...

so i understand you very well...

[Bushido]

Just for some perspective, I have recently started seeing someone new after my BPD breakup (15 years together, marriage, 2 kids - and my history is like yours, confident and raised in a loving family). Two months in to the new relationship, I am still wary, now and then seeing signs of BPD that are not really there. Not that I'm paranoid, but my radar is on. There is no BPD here, thankfully. I am finally able to blossom as a loving partner to someone normal, and it is a beautiful thing. 

can you explain to me more deeply how it is starting a new relationship and no BPD in sight.

i´ve been doing this for 18 years . . . she was my one and only . . .

and now she has just washed me off. . . and found her self someone new!

i just found out to day  . . . so emotions are high... .

yeah . . . and the divorce isn´t even thru yet !

[HarleypsychRN]

jbkt16

As part of the healing of the healing process, I got tattooed on my left arm "Trust Your Instincts"

What I have learned is to always, always, always, trust your gut instincts.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

[Bushido]

As part of the healing of the healing process, I got tattooed on my left arm "Trust Your Instincts"

What I have learned is to always, always, always, trust your gut instincts.

"The calendar changes, they don't"- Unknown

that is a good reminder ...

[jbkt16]

Thanks everyone! I think y'all are right, I'll know what to look for now, but my standards may be do high that no one could meet them. And that's fine too! I smiled so much happier just being alone and spending quality time with my kids, without having to deal with him.

I do understand why I stayed in the marriage, all the reasons that one of the posters mentioned. I guess I was more wondering how the heck I ever let it get to marriage?

The worst part of everything is that I had kids with someone who is not capable of parenting. He is good at acting like a parent, but puts his needs well above the kids tI me and time again. Now he is starting to get in their head, especially my 6 year old, he has him so confused. Between the ":)isneyland daddy" act, neglecting them when theres nothing to gain, and yelling at them when he's pissed my son is so confused.

Thanks everyone for the responses. Pray that we are actually divorced anytime in the near future and that I can keep my kids safe! He is trying to make this as long and drawn out as possible  (and as expensive as possible).