teatime
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2
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« on: July 24, 2016, 10:04:24 PM » |
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Hello everyone, this is my 1st post on bpdfamily (even though I joined in Sept last year) and it has been almost a year since I fled my relationship with uBPD-ex. I still have flashbacks to the abuse and I hope writing about it will help me process the trauma.
C/N: This post contains abuse in a context of a queer relationship, as I am genderqueer, even though my uBPD-ex refused to acknowledge my gender identity. Bigots please refrain from posting any hateful rhetoric as I have had enough from uBPD-ex to last a lifetime.
This post also contains racism. I am asian and uBPD-ex was an unapologetic racist. On the occasions I confronted her racism, uBPD-ex would casually put it down to her "racist and bogan upbringing".
How I met uBPD-ex:
She started renting a room from a close mate of mine, M. We went out partying occasionally with friends. Nothing happened for almost a year till I was due to finish my thesis. Asked uBPD-ex for help with editing images as she had offered to help before. We started getting closer and we were in a relationship when I graduated from uni a month and a half later.
1 month in: Went a road trip with uBPD-ex. Many red flags during the trip but I brushed it aside and put it down to the stresses of travelling. Later on I was blamed for delaying the trip when in reality, no responsible person would have taken such a long route in a short timeframe. I did not know the details of the trip as I had joined in last minute, but it turns out that uBPD-ex did not plan ahead. Learned that uBPD-ex turns into callous and irresponsible drunk, I babysat both her sisters while she danced with strangers and disappeared for ages before returning with a stolen towel while we waited at a fast food joint.
1.5 months in: I did something very out of character - I spontaneously proposed to uBPD-ex on a short getaway. I feel terribly embarrassed that I did such an oddly impulsive thing when I usually take ages to think things through. With uBPD-ex, I seemed to exist as an unhinged version of myself whose brain ceased to function properly. Unfortunately for me, she said yes and told everyone that we were engaged. On the same night I proposed, uBPD-ex flirted with this random who hit on her the whole walk back to our chalet.
uBPD-ex bought me a brand new iphone. The latest model. It was my first iphone. I soon learned that if uBPD-ex gave you something, that meant she thought she could take it away too.
2 months in: Day-long fight on New Year's Eve. I had chased after uBPD-ex to apologise because I had cruelly said "she'd drink it all" the night before about her mother (that she had made out to be an alcoholic and recreational drug user) when we were talking about parents and money. She screamed at me outside a shopping centre, that was the first time I had been humiliated in public. Then uBPD-ex screamed at me some more saying I treated her degradingly after an ex-girlfriend of my housemate, who worked in the shopping centre and we both knew, saw that I was upset and asked if I needed a hug and we did.
I somehow also became responsible with helping uBPD-ex organise her overseas uni trip, cleaning for her flat vacate and helping her move her stuff to mine. I moved houses around the same time and she borrowed her housemate's car (that she claimed she paid for) to help move some of my things. I later learned this was a Big Deal and heard about it constantly. I began to suffer from sleep deprivation as I was constantly exhausted from physical exertion and high temps as it was summer. I also had to stay with her at her unit every other day, to "protect" her from her "awful housemate", with her alternating with staying at mine.
The day before she was due to leave for her uni trip, I had to run around the city with her completing errands that she should have done in preparation weeks ahead. A few months later I had to pay half a parking fine she had copped by stopping in a no-parking lot. I still don't understand why I had to contribute towards the fine.
2.5 months in: We met up in my home country. I was raged at the 1st night she arrived because apparently I had not informed her we were going to pay a house visit as it was a festive season. She did not engage with my friends and demanded to leave within an hour. Yet I was expected to have sex with her after hours of fighting. It sickens me now that I did not protest and I was afraid of the consequences if I did. Her sister joined us a day later. uBPD-ex refused my parents' invite to visit even though the hotel was 10 mins down the road from our place and I was raged at each time I returned home. Our flights were scheduled on the same evening and I had to refuse my dad's offer to drive us to the airport even though he had taken a day off just to. I spent hours at the airport being raged at about how lousy the trip had been and being threatened with a break-up. Her flight was earlier than mine and I managed to have a quick dinner with my family and my close mates who came to say goodbye.
3 months in: We were living with her sister in a new city over 1000km away. Earlier on in the r/s she had said she would not stay in the same city and in my infatuation with her had agreed to move. uBPD-ex also insisted I would never find a job in a big city and had better job prospects in a smaller place. uBPD-ex told me M treated her badly and she never wanted to keep in touch wit M and it was either M or her... .I stopped replying M's texts and eventually M stopped texting me. My other friends stopped messaging me too, since I stopped replying.
I was raged at for having shared my bed with my friend, F, while she came for a visit. F came to visit me months ago, when uBPD-ex and I had started dating. It came as a shock to me that she had remembered every little thing that had incensed her and spewed it all with vitriol months later. F and I have known one other since school days and remain close friends. uBPD-ex declared then that I was forbidden from sharing a bed with anyone regardless of gender as according to her "nobody ever sleeps together without being sexual", which I found and still find ridiculous.
uBPD-ex sister's place had no running internet. My mobile phone 3G connection was intermittent. Constant fights with uBPD-ex ranging from i was texting my mates too much to i was being controlling by asking her not to snack before dinner time. I submitted my hastily put together application for a work visa on tenuous mobile phone internet.
3.5 months in: uBPD-ex created drama with sister and had a text war about sister's ex (who supposedly abused her when they lived together before). Her sister told us we had 2 weeks to move. uBPD-ex insisted we move immediately and decided we were moving into this shack on an island 2 hours off the mainland. The tiny shack did have electricity but little else. I was now stuck with uBPD-ex 24/7. She creates drama about shack owner, who is known for being eccentric but to me seems mostly harmless.
4-5 months in: The island shack was a perfect location for isolation. I was subjected to almost daily abuse. I was forced to sleep on the floor in the middle of a typhoon, locked out of the shack more than once and had my packet of cigarettes torn up and thrown in my face (uBPD-ex decided she was quitting and I had to too). I was attacked for my religious beliefs and gender identity - I identify as genderqueer but she insisted on using male pronouns because according to her, referring to me as "them" meant I felt I was better than everyone else. uBPD-ex also threatened to expose me at the island's church that I had been attending. There was an afternoon where she threatened to self-harm and held a knife to her throat and wrists, and I wrestled all the knives away from her. The same afternoon, she goaded me with insults and physically pushed me around till I had to defend myself. She also mocked me for being weaker than her - uBPD-ex is a head taller than me and had 10 kilos on me then. However, I am a judoka and those physical differences don't count for much if I really wanted to fight back... .not that she knew. There were times when my mobile was taken away forcibly to deny me access to people and help. By this stage I was no longer dared to communicate with my family and friends.
I found temp work in a cafe the day she locked me out of the shack. uBPD-ex was even angrier when I returned saying I'd found a job. The cafe needed extra help so uBPD-ex started at the cafe too. We only worked there for a week or so.
My work visa was rejected, I failed to notice that I was required to submit test results before the application. I had to leave the country. uBPD-ex demanded that I spend all my money to buy her a car before I left, I did not.
It was a relief to be home and back in sanitary conditions. However, within a few hours of my arrival home, uBPD-ex started a huge fight because I did not text back for several hours while I was out with my mum. She blocked my messages and e-mails. I freaked out because all my stuff was still at the island shack and still loved her at point in time. Ongoing arguments over texts and phone calls for several days, ___ really hit the fan when she threatened to Out me to my parents because I refused to accede to her demands that I went home to "talk things through" with her because I had gone out to meet my friends (as I needed support). While telling my friends about what was happening, I opened my Gmail to find that uBPD-ex had e-mailed my parents from my own Gmail no less and Outed me.
I was in a mess and returned home really late to avoid seeing my parents. The next day I tried deleting the e-mail from my mum's phone but it turn outs that both of them had already seen it.
uBPD-ex threatened to self-harm so I changed my flight and left the next day. Upon my return, uBPD-ex declares that she felt abandoned because I left her alone. I'm still reeling from her Outing me. I still had not sorted the visa business.
The day after my return, uBPD-ex received a phone call from her brother - her mother passed away from heart failure the day before. She decided we should leave the island shack and put all our things into storage on the mainland before heading south for the funeral. uBPD-ex flew into a rage in the midst of packing while I was carrying all the things to the rental car that she refused to let me load because "you can't do anything". I was sick of her insults and in a moment of childish spite lightly touched my finger to her CD case when she raged at me not to touch anything, then she grabbed me by the collar and pushed me so hard I fell backwards. That was the 1st t-shirt of mine she tore. She dashed to the shack and when I got up I saw her running into the bathroom with a handful of knives. I tried stopping her and she screamed that I was being abusive, till a neighbour next-door yelled if they should call for the police. I don't remember much of what happened next, except that she calmed down after a bit. We caught the ferry the next day instead and put things in a storage shed. uBPD-ex created drama with her siblings because she felt like they were ganging up on her and leaving her out of funeral arrangements.
Maybe this is awful of me, but I wouldn't have stuck around for so long if her mother hadn't passed away or if she didn't need the heart surgery.
6-9 months in: With uBPD-ex mother's funeral over, I sat for hours scanning every document she deemed worthy of saving. That included uBPD-ex's primary school essays and every page of every scrapbook. It was freezing out on her grandma's farm and I never had enough to eat, I ate instant noodles every day. Drama continued between uBPD-ex and her siblings. Two weeks later she decided we'd go stay with her "best friend" K, that she slagged on whenever we were alone.
Meanwhile, tragic as her mother's sudden death had been, uBPD-ex was milking it for all it was worth and more. She was basking in it, almost. It sickened me. Now, uBPD-ex has the same medical condition as her mother and her Feelings of Entitlement were at peak levels. It did not matter that her lifestyle had likely exacerbated her physical deterioration, no, it was not the weed habit she had before nor the heavy drinking since 13. Perhaps all the ecstasy trips she'd been on? Yes, the government should definitely be responsible for paying you benefits for suffering from this medical condition. uBPD-ex had previously told me both her parents (before their divorce) had been on the dole since she started high school. uBPD-ex let everyone know she needed heart surgery. She still smoked almost half a pack of fags (I was also raged at for my usage of this word in referring to cigarettes) daily and blamed me for her smoking habit.
She had plane tickets booked before her mother's funeral to visit me with her other sister in my home country. I was uncomfortable with this after the first trip but dared not voice my opinion. With her mother's sudden demise, uBPD-ex's sister (who suffers from schizophrenia, constant self-harm and repeated suicide attempts) changed her mind about going overseas and so we had to arrange to cancel her ticket. uBPD-ex, instead of cancelling her plane ticket as well, decided that she "really needs a break" and I meekly accompanied her on a trip with a 1-day stopover in my home country instead of saying no, I did not want to.
I started seeing a pattern where uBPD-ex started fights before airplane flights, during flights and after flights. She blamed her PTSD, the "claustrophobia from an enclosed space". I dreaded being on an airplane with her. If all was well, uBPD-ex would only repeatedly get me to perform menial tasks for her, attend to her many different needs constantly and be rude/demanding to flight attendants.
uBPD-ex started a fight back on the plane back to my home country after the "holiday", when she found out that I did have the house keys on me and my mother was expecting us to return. She booked a motel room upon landing and insisted that I stay at the room with her, even though the plan had been to stay in my family home. That evening, the uBPD-ex initiated sex but halfway through went into a rage and left the room. At this stage of the relationship I had started dreading intimacy with her. The next day, my mother rang in the morning saying that we should have dinner and that they would give us a ride to the airport. The moment I put down the receiver, uBPD-ex demanded the details of our conversation and starting verbally abusing me and talking ___ about my family. I was so angry that I pushed the phone off the table, but it flew off the corner and hit her in the head. I am not proud that I did that and I never meant for the phone to hit her, I apologised straightaway but she accused me of being abusive then pushed me outside and locked me out of the room. I can only remember the rest of the day spent trying to apologise to her and her just ignoring me, then uBPD-ex asking me for money then returning and throwing the change on the floor for me to pick up. She also asked for more money to take a taxi to the airport. My parents collected me from the motel and I cried my eyes out in the car.
On the flight back to K's, uBPD-ex attempted to pour vodka on me (most of which ended up on the poor person in front because I tried to stop her), tried to take my passport off me and rip it up and demanded that I sit somewhere else. I did sit somewhere else because there happened to be empty seats on the plane and I was afraid of her. When we arrived at the airport, uBPD-ex whispered to me menacingly "you're not coming to K's". K was already waiting to pick us up from the airport. I quickly separated our things and apologised to K that I was not going with them. uBPD-ex was furious when K walked away to the car and said I was embarassing her, and that I was throwing a tantrum. It was a small airport and closed whenever the flights were done for the day, so I sat outside in the cold for several hours. I was really tired and had not slept on the flight in case my passport was stolen off me and ripped up by uBPD-ex . A few hours later, K and uBPD-ex came round to pick me up. She apologised to me in a half-hearted way. I think she only did that because otherwise she'd be exposed for the a*hole that she is.
uBPD-ex decided the best way to keep on friendly terms with K was to go on a road trip to a city 2 states away, where K could hook up with her fling. She created drama with K during the road trip and had a tantrum on the morning of the drive back, K waited for over 2 hours before uBPD-ex finally agreed to get into the car. I was flat broke when we returned from the road trip.
Without a work visa I was unable to find legitimate work so for several weeks I worked on a farm. I was still eating instant noodles every day. In the evenings when K's child was home I would watch over him and help with his homework. I was glad for little K because it meant time away from uBPD-ex.
10 months in: uBPD-ex underwent heart surgery. I was increasingly sleep deprived at this stage because I was expected to spend all day caring for her. uBPD-ex was rude to almost all the nurses. She had made arrangements for us to stay with a family friend of hers after her surgery but she kicked up a fuss and demanded social services help.
We have the same birthday and on our/my birthday, she made me go into the welfare department to do more unnecessary paperwork things for her. On that same day, I was also to scan more paperwork things for her at the public library. That was when I found out what BPD is. She had a letter from a psychiatrist stating she had BPD traits. To my horror, the description of BPD-disordered individuals described her to a T. I returned to the temporary stay wing where uBPD-ex had bullied a social worker into providing and tried to act as normal as possible.
Two nights later, uBPD-ex kicked me out of the room with my suitcase in tow in the middle of the night after keeping me up for hours arguing about something irrelevant and accusing me of diverting discussions when she tried to talk with me about Important Issues (this was a favourite line of hers). Out of sheer loneliness I messaged one of my best friends, who texted: "you both are abusive" while I was sitting at a bus stop for hours in the middle of winter (I am now rethinking my friendship with this person). Eventually, I got too cold and miserable, so with the new label of "abusive" I returned to the room and begged to be allowed in to sleep.
We went to stay at uBPD-ex's family friend's (N) after a few turbulent days at the temp ward. I thought she would be out of it after the surgery, but if anything, it made her angrier than ever and those Feelings of Entitlement larger than before. She continued smoking right after the surgery too and I was made to go buy fags almost every other day, having to walk several kilometres each way. I don't understand why I was not allowed to buy more than two packets each time. The abuse was covert, I don't know if N or N's husband noticed, except that N did say to me once when we were alone "she controls you" and that N's friend who came to visit had remarked "teatime must really like her".
uBPD-ex dropped her iphone and the screen smashed so we swapped phones while I took it to be repaired. I'd brought my laptop with me to use at the library and couldn't log in to Facebook, the password had been changed... .5 mins ago. I was handing in the phone for repairs then. There was still half an hour before uBPD-ex's phone would be ready for collection. With the blood pounding in my ears I changed all my passwords. When I powered on her phone after collection, it rang almost straightaway with her screaming "TELL ME YOUR PASSWORD" while I screamed back. I don't usually scream, but I do when I get really angry. By the time I returned to N's (it took me almost 3 hours to get back), I found that uBPD-ex had started fights with 2 groups of my closest friends and told my parents and friends that I was mentally unstable, trans, abusive and missing. I will call this event The Big Fall-Out. My friends already had an inkling that she was awful and this was the icing on the cake. I had zero dollars in my bank account and it seemed like uBPD-ex had orchestrated The Big Fall-Out to ensure that my mother would not send me money so that I was completely dependent on her and would be unable to escape.
Somehow I managed to explain it away to myself, uBPD-ex was recovering from surgery and unstable... .I even applied for a partner visa so I could stay on in the country with her. uBPD-ex went on about how she never wanted to stay on in her home country and wanted out. Out to where? She had hardly any relevant work experience to her multiple degrees.
11 months in: uBPD-ex's phoney facade was cracking, she complained of being sick of I and I's husband and she demanded that we find new accommodation. Never mind that I am desperately looking for a job after spending thousands applying for a visa. We do find a rental near surprise surprise her new uni, after she decides she wants to pursue yet another degree in a completely different field she has zero knowledge of. This was a share house with 3 other people so again, the abuse was covert.
uBPD-ex insisted that we purchase an Ikea bed unsuited for any other room but the one we were renting. I ended up putting the loft bed together myself after much verbal abuse and being told "see? you can't do anything, if only there were (real) guys here, this wouldn't be a problem". A beam smacked her on the head because I left the room midway through a particularly nasty insult, to which she called me abusive. I was also raged for sorting the bookshelf by myself. Nothing I did was ever right to uBPD-ex.
We still had the storage shed going and needed to retrieve our things from it. uBPD-ex decided we would do it by train as she had free train tickets. The train ride was almost 24 hours and was due to arrive later in the morning. I fell asleep and when I woke up in the morning, uBPD-ex kicked my foot and hissed at me saying I had kept her up by kicking constantly. I apologised but she became incensed instead and insisted that I leave my seat or she would "make me". We were seated in the last carriage so I went to stand at the end of the train where the toilets were and pretended to look outside the window. She glared at me before entering the toilet and a few minutes later, the train pulled into a station. uBPD-ex did not emerge from the loo and it is obvious when the train has stopped. It was a long rest-stop so I quickly went to the seats for my mobile and ciggies. I tried to calm down while I was having a puff but then it was time to board the train again. When I was back on the train, uBPD-ex was blocking the corridor. She raised her voice and demanded to know where I had been, to which I replied I had been outside in the smoking section, I knew the other passengers would be able to hear everything and felt humiliated. I was accused of being selfish and hiding the ciggies from her, I pointed out that she would have seen me had she ventured out into the smoking section to which uBPD-ex retorted that I was too short so she couldn't see me. Again, I was not allowed back in my seat so I went to the back of the train again. There was just me at the back this time, there had been children looking out the window earlier when uBPD-ex had been to the loo. I looked out at the scenery, feeling the shaking of the train when I noticed a figure moving quickly toward me.
uBPD-ex pushed me into a wall and thrust her hands into my pockets, I instinctively clung onto the stuff she was pulling out. This angered her and I was pushed onto the ground while she dug my mobile and the ciggie pack out. When I pulled at the mobile, she dug her nails into my flesh. The children were heading towards the back of the train and I tried not to cry while they stood beside me and looked out the window. I think I managed to hang onto my mobile. My arms had small bruises and scratch marks.
She left me at the train station, with all the empty suitcases, checking into the hotel room I had paid for. I received a text from her ordering me to pack the contents of the shed to be ready for the train ride tomorrow. It was summer and it was definitely way above 30 degrees. I sweated tons in the shed packing and repacking stuff so it fit in the suitcases for hours, some of it did not. Exhausted, I left and realised the bus had already stopped running for the day. There were no taxis and I dragged a suitcase for an hour to get to the hotel. I tried to be as quiet as possible entering the room, but the uBPD-ex snapped at me saying she had texted telling me she was sleeping till this time and yet I had woken her. I was made to leave the room. At this point, I had not eaten for almost the entire day and all I wanted was a shower and to sleep.
The sun was setting. I sat for several hours at the back of a government building, aware that I looked really dodgy sitting there by myself. I think the security guard felt sorry for me because he let me sit at the benches till it went dark, and told me I couldn't spend the night there. uBPD-ex had sent me angry texts and told me to "find another hotel room for the night". I couldn't believe it - I had paid for this one and it was a nice place!
When I returned to the room, I heard uBPD-ex raging at me and she pushed me out of the room. I tried entering but she bolted the door. I knocked on the door and could hear uBPD-ex spewing nasty insults through it. I had a room key and opened the door, then stuck my hand through to remove the bolt. uBPD-ex starting slamming the door against my arm repeatedly, not stopping though I had cried out in pain. I did not know if the other rooms were occupied and stifled my cries hastily. My rucksack was in the room and I desperately wanted it back as my passport was in it, in case she decided to rip it up in rage, so I begged her to let me into the room. I don't remember this part very well, but somehow I had either managed to undo the deadbolt while having my arm crushed or uBPD-ex had opened it but was all dark, and all of a sudden I saw stars and a crunch from my head. Blows were being rained on me and I couldn't see. She was hitting hard. I saw her jump out through the window (the room was on the first floor). I can recall that scene vividly in my mind and at that moment I thought to myself "she is insane". Then I started to cry, I looked in the bathroom mirror to see if I had a nosebleed like the last time. I looked around for my rucksack and panicked till I found it, she had put it right at the top of a cabinet.
A phone message from her said she would not return to the room. I felt numb and had a shower, feeling unease growing in me. I had only laid in the very comfortable bed for a few moments before another text message demanding cigarettes came. Why I complied, I still don't know. Probably out of fear. I brought her the cigarettes. She was by the pool. uBPD-ex demanded for the room key (I think, my memory gets fuzzy here). Then she threw something of mine into the pool. I dived in to retrieve it and chased after her. She locked herself in the bathroom, declared she was sleeping in there and had a hot shower. I shivered in my wet clothes and begged to be allowed a hot shower. Eventually uBPD-ex emerged from the bathroom. I am not sure if she threatened me with something or granted me permission to sleep on the bed (there was one trip I was forced to sleep on the hotel room floor) but as uneasy as I was, I passed out.
The next day was another nightmare. uBPD-ex continued to verbally abuse me at the storage shed telling me things like "you can't do anything right can you" while packing the remainder of the things I couldn't fit into the suitcases. I still had not eaten anything since leaving the train the day before. She continued with the insults for several hours as the temperature increased steadily and refused to return my cigarette packet that she'd snatched.
This time I did another thing I am ashamed of. I tried snatching the packet back and when uBPD-ex started kicking me, I grabbed her and pushed her to the ground the same way she had to me the day before and growled "now you know how it feels!" before throwing several punches at the steel walls of the storage units. The punches rang loudly. uBPD-ex started sobbing and alluded to previous rape experiences. I felt a crushing sense of guilt that was soon replaced by anger as she made off. I moved the heavy suitcases that I could barely push across the road. It was almost time for the train to leave and uBPD-ex sat in a field while refusing to leave. She did board the train. Then she apologised for her behaviour and said we should forget about what had happened on this trip.
One time I had an awkward beer with one of the housemates and a friend (prob with benefits) of his who had dropped by while uBPD-ex was in the shower. I was raged at for hours and made to sleep on the floor. She threw my blanket and pillow onto the floor from top of the loft.
It was the worst when all the housemates went away for Christmas and uBPD-ex had no witnesses.
This was the house where I had my first nosebleed from being punched in the nose. I had pushed uBPD-ex on the back and said "stop it", when she kept going on about how she wished my mum was dead so I'd know how it felt. She had been going at me for days with the housemates gone and I felt like something had snapped in me when I reached out to push her. She spun around and screamed "HOW DARE YOU PUSH ME WHEN MY BACK IS TURNED", her fist lashed out and I felt something wet drip down my face. Then I had to pretend everything was sweet and happy because N had come around to visit and was waiting outside.
uBPD-ex refused to eat the Christmas Day lunch I cooked. I think I was also ignored on Christmas Eve. She told me not to trigger her on holidays.
I locked myself in the room before a Christmas party because uBPD-ex was being really aggressive and I was afraid of her (especially after the nosebleed). She kicked both doors, even the french doors full of glass, and screamed at me to let her in. It was a normal occurrence for uBPD-ex to start fights before social events too. After she calmed down, I had to go across the road with her to her friend's party where I knew no one and be social and smile. The friend and her partner had just got a puppy and I almost burst into tears when I hugged the puppy.
uBPD-ex got a bit of weed off her friend during the party. I did not know this and I do not do drugs. She got angry when I resisted smoking up and said that I was insulting her.
13 months in: Moved house again. Turns out the lease on the house was due to run out. uBPD-ex already started creating drama with the housemates anyway. This time we moved into a flat literally a 5 minute bus ride from uBPD-ex's uni. I graduated from that uni. She constantly talked ___ about the kind of people in this uni, whom she labelled "snobs". It's not a private uni so not every person there is a walking silver spoon, but it is the best uni in the state so maybe her hate stemmed from her deep insecurities?
The new housemates were a married asian couple. uBPD-ex accused me of talking ___ about her with the new housemates who are "___ing asians", never mind that they were from a different culture than mine and spoke a language that I was not fluent in.
K came over for a visit with her friends so we all went out. They figured out that I got my drink spiked. I only have vague snippets of events after my first and only shot. I only had a few beers before that and the shot would not have tipped caused a blackout. K drinks a lot and she blacked out after that round of shots too. It turned out I'd been thrown out from the club we were in because one of the security guards said I looked f*cked, because of how my pupils were dilated, I was sweating profusely and confused. A few days later, uBPD-ex accused me of wanting to have my drink spiked and that I was an alcoholic. It was not the first time I was accused of being an alcoholic by her, but there have been many occasions I have had been pressured to drink by uBPD-ex.
I was almost flat broke again. My money never seemed to last long with uBPD-ex around. I paid for everything, all the time. I had enough money to pay my half of two week's rent.
14 months in: I got lucky and got full-time contract work overnight. uBPD-ex stopped talking to me for a month. She was outraged that her welfare benefits would stop as I started earning money - she had to declare our relationship because of my visa. I started paying all our rent and whatever salary was left, I transferred half to uBPD-ex. She demanded that I send her my weekly payslips but kept accusing me of not dividing the money equally. I spent Valentines' Day alone in the living room eating the pancakes I made for her that she rejected. I was not allowed to sleep in bed. uBPD-ex literally kicked me out of bed when I tried setting boundaries and saying I had a right to sleep in half the bed. K came for a weekend visit and they went out. uBPD-ex raged at me after K had left, saying I had made it unenjoyable by sulking in a corner and refusing to go out partying with them. I had no where to go. She had not spoken to me in weeks. I slept in the garage for a week before I foolishly told her where I had been sleeping and uBPD-ex moved the bean bag up to the balcony suddenly.
15-21 months in: uBPD-ex started talking to me again and I was allowed to sleep in bed. I have learned that the lull periods mean that the BPD storm is brewing and was constantly walking on eggshells. I was working overtime a lot, yet uBPD-ex was not contributing to housework. I cooked dinner most of the time, did the washing up because she never did. She decided I should do all the laundry as I was "so good at it, it's all straight instead of wrinkly like when I do it". However, I would be raged at frequently for waking her "early" on Saturday mornings by doing putting the wash on. uBPD-ex also criticised how I shopped, how often I did grocery shopping and told me that "normal people do not shop for groceries every week" and how she resented me for making her do these time-wasting things. Yet she bought herself expensive things from the health food section on the regular.
My clothes fit poorly - I did not realise I was increasingly skinny, I had not done much shopping since beginning a relationship with her as my finances were suddenly unstable and we were constantly moving. On the other hand, uBPD-ex had been steadily building her wardrobe. I was making decent money and still constantly broke, I was paying for two while she only went to uni 3 days out of 5 but complained about the workload.
I woke early in the morning to go to work, where I was on my feet all day, then at night I barely rested with meeting uBPD-ex's constant needs and wants. She demanded that I "help" with her assignments. The secondhand textbooks I bought her? She never once cracked one open. Instead, she made me download the digital version for her while the physical copy was less than a metre away because she wouldn't figure out how to use the library website. The minute I got back to the flat, uBPD-ex would talk about herself and what she was working on and what assignment was soon due. It was intolerable and I dreaded listening to yet another assignment as I knew I would be the one writing the essay. uBPD-ex had a meltdown when she almost failed an assignment, the one time I escaped "helping" because she had left it too late and had two barely intelligible paragraphs open in a word document when it was due the next day. I hated listening to her talk ___ about the people in her tutorials. She raged at me several times because I had asked her before going broke if she fancied an ipad for uni, and never got her one so she had to carry my old macbook to uni instead which hurt her back and everyone else in class had an ipad.
One evening where she was meant to end class late, I went out for dinner and drinks with a workmate, D, who had become a close friend. It was liberating and in an act of impulse I went to my local, it was one of the few watering holes for the queer community. I'd frequented it during uni days and it reminded me of who I used to be. An old friend happened to be there and in tipsy revelry I stayed out till 1AM. Of course, uBPD-ex lost it and sent me a flurry of texts and miscalled calls demanding I explain where I was and who I was with. I was immediately accused of cheating.
I paid dearly for that night out. Once, she threw a book at me along with a hateful snarl and ripped photograph of us to startle me from my sleep. I slept on the couch for over a month in the middle of winter. I was not allowed in the room that I paid rent for. I was allowed use of the bathroom at a scheduled time every night (I was made to text in advance the time I planned to use the bathroom) but I was not allowed to stay in the room. I was very afraid of her.
Eventually, I gathered up the courage to message uBPD-ex that I wanted a break-up. Things did not go well. The next day I went to the immigration department and cancelled my own visa, in case she did something nasty in revenge. uBPD-ex went berserk after I told her I'd cancelled it and sent me a pile of vile texts. uBPD-ex oscillated between sending nasty messages and telling me how much our relationship meant to her. She also repeatedly asked me why I wanted to break up. She would turn on the lights after I had gone to sleep on the couch, use the microwave and slam the balcony doors.
I did not plan it well and after a few weeks was charmed back into being with her again. I had planned to ring for rescue (my then-workmates and now close friends saved me) and make a dash when she left the house. However, she only did once for two hours and I was not sure when she would return. I even reluctantly paid to have her things shipped to my parents'! I had to pay half the rental car that she drove in a mad rush to store at her grandma's. Things with uBPD-ex constantly bordered on manic and I was drained by it.
My work contract was extended and I stayed with a workmate for most of the workweek before going to N's where uBPD-ex was staying temporarily. I dreaded the weekends as it meant doing menial chores for her and listening to her b___ about N. She demanded that we take a 20-hour train ride to stay at yet another family friend's place before we left as she was sick of being with N. I sat with bated breath on the train. The last train ride had been awful. uBPD-ex asked for things constantly on the train ride and I started to be annoyed. She started a loud argument before bedtime and made me (surprise surprise) find a seat elsewhere. Thankfully, nobody else bought a ticket for where I sat. Otherwise I would have had to keep moving through the night and explain to the conductor why I wasn't sitting where I was supposed to. Next morning she acted like nothing happened last night and told me not to be difficult. We spent the week there doing mostly nothing while I yet again found an excuse to be away from her by befriending a toddler. On the last night there she jammed a disc in my laptop, expected me to stay up late with her because she hadn't completed the things she set for herself to do and got pissed off at me when I went to bed instead. She started several arguments the next day.
I felt the crushing shame and guilt and anger toward myself. I had let myself be sucked back in again when I had wanted out for over a year now. What was I doing? I still let the hollow 'I love you too's out and felt a little bit of me die each time.
Last few days before the flight, I'd made plans to have dinner with D. uBPD-ex automatically assumed she had an invite. I felt uneasy, uBPD-ex had accused me of cheating with D (who is like family to me) and D had very strong feelings about "this b___". I felt very sick that day too but uBPD-ex had insisted I go along on the itinerary she'd planned unannounced. I tried asking uBPD-ex where she'd like to have dinner but she acted disinterested and went into a rage while I was trying to make dinner arrangements, so I cancelled dinner. That only made uBPD-ex angrier. She ditched me with her rucksack and then later demanded that I meet her to pass her cigarettes, then lied saying she needed to reach N using my phone and went through my messages instead.
I blew up, flung her rucksack on the floor and left for the hotel where we had left our suitcases. I booked another room, went upstairs and promptly was sick in the bathroom. Then came the nasty texts, demands for my mobile and laptop, I was guilted with a rucksack full of broken glass. Why did she have alcohol in her bag? So we could drink illegally in public. Rules didn't apply to her. I stayed at the hotel, it was a relief to be away from her. The next morning I went to N's place to retrieve the rest of my stuff but uBPD-ex had the usual tricks up her sleeve. She refused to return my laptop and mobile. I had no way to ring for a taxi. N happened to be home and gave me a ride back to my hotel, she said to me something like "you can think for yourself now".
uBPD-ex kept ringing my hotel room leaving messages. The morning of the flight, she rang again and I told her "don't bother coming". She showed up at the airport anyway and returned my laptop and mobile. Luckily, we had separate seats on the flight because I had booked mine before the charming. During the flight she came up to my seat and "needed" to borrow my laptop. I was afraid of her potentially causing a scene and reluctantly complied.
The plane landed and I rushed to the baggage carousel. uBPD-ex had somehow made it there it before I had and my suitcases were beside her. I felt the fear rising in me, hastily muttered a thank you, loaded the suitcases on a trolley and left. uBPD-ex followed me. She offered me a cigarette. Confused, I went with her to the smoking section, where she sat on the ground and started crying. I no longer felt any compassion for her, instead, a detached form of disgust took its place. I left with a sudden 'bye'. My heart was pounding hard in the taxi ride home. Freedom! But also, fear. I had defied uBPD-ex and denied her involvement in my actions.
My parents were shocked, where was uBPD-ex? I left her at the airport? They scarcely believed me when I told them I had been subjected to abuse, even after The Big Fall-Out. I felt that same crushing shame. When I finally retreated to my room and popped open my laptop - my failed visa application with my address was on screen . As a warning, she left the file open, so that I'd know that she knew.
22 months : uBPD-ex appeared at 3AM at my family home unannounced. She went through all my files and found the address. I refused to let her in. She was asking to be let in the next morning.
Then she suddenly went 'missing'. I was worried. She told me she had lost her passport along with the rest of her things after accepting a ride in a stranger's car and falling asleep. I told my friends who called BS. The entire story was bizarre. Still, I gave her the benefit of doubt. I bought her a meal, passed her money and a few items of food. uBPD-ex alluded to being raped or having met with violence and was behaving in a strange spacey way... .can people 'act' dissociated? She spoke more nicely to me than she had done for months. I felt really annoyed the short time I met her. The next few days involved uBPD-ex refusing any of my help, things like her walking to the embassy (at least 20km away) and her asking me to book a room at the last minute because the hostel she'd been staying at was full, never mind the area she was in had heaps of hostels. I half believed and felt sorry for uBPD-ex, and booked the cheapest and nearest motel room I could find for 2 days. That motel happened to be within walking distance of my home, because I had to meet her for the check-in. I had to give her bus fare to go to the motel too. She produced a crumpled photocopy of her passport at reception when asked who was staying, the receptionist asked for a letter from the embassy that uBPD-ex was unable to produce. I left when she got her room key. uBPD-ex messaged me that evening asking to meet for a drink, I felt really sorry for her and met her at a nearby pub. She offered to buy me a drink but followed with 'oh... .but I don't have money', then ordered an expensive cocktail. While sipping the cocktail that I had to pay for, uBPD-ex said sweetly 'this feels nice doesn't it? it feels like old times... .like at the start before all the bad things happened'. I screamed internally. We finished our drinks, then uBPD-ex asked to go for a quick bite. I don't know why I complied, I even shared food with her. I needed to use the loo and followed her up to the room, when uBPD-ex said in her sweetest voice 'you can stay if you want'. I left in a minute. Within the next few minutes I received the vilest text messages from her, telling me how the whole relationship had been a degrading experience for her.
The shipping came and I contacted her via e-mail, having blocked her from my mobile. uBPD-ex even messaged my mother with more lies. For several months she sent threatening e-mails and demanded access to her things that I never denied her, I simply refused her entry into my family home fearing for our personal safety. When asked for a forwarding address, she gave the address of her Canadian ex-boyfriend's instead of one in her home country so I refused. It was frustrating for me because the lies kept changing. Once she e-mailed saying she would come to mine the next day with a friend who had come to help with her things and I got no reply when I said she could collect her shipping from the security post.
I still get e-mails from uBPD-ex in my spam folder. I save them in a folder labelled 'evidence'. I know I shouldn't open them but curiosity gets the best of me. In the recent ones, uBPD-ex says things like she would like to stay in contact and hopes we can be on speaking terms one day. No bloody way.
Why did I stay with this individual? Out of compassion, guilt and intimidation. Never again.
I am now rebuilding my life. I have a new job that I love with great workmates. I have reconnected with M. My friends have rallied around me. I am sleeping better now than after the break-up. I am working on losing all the weight I gained post break-up where I fell into a depression. I still get flashbacks of the abuse and many days feel difficult to get through but when I stop and think, nothing can be as hard as being with uBPD-ex.
Thanks for listening to my long story. I did not expect to sit here for hours and hours going through past events. I have been carrying this inside me for months and it actually is a relief to get it out. Now I am feeling paranoid that uBPD-ex might come across this post. What are the odds of that happening?
Cheers, Teatime
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