Coping

[reflectiveimran]

I am single and she is married with four children. I am older. She sought me out, gave me intellectual and emotional brightness and great physical intimacy and love. In the first year the anger bursts were less frequent and mild. As we got physically intimate, the anger spells and the highs started increasing in intensity.

The highs are the highest, while totally irrelevant and false triggers trigger emotional abuse. She claimed in the beginning that she had to be rescued by me from a husband who had financially and emotionally betrayed her. Gradually she started controlling me, cutting me off from my friends who helped and made me feel good. I followed like a pup, never having experienced such intellectual and sexual chemistry. After two years now the abuses have become frequent, three to four days a high then 3-4 days a low. I am a very strong person emotionally but now wrecking myself. I know I should leave her but I have invested all in her, my emotions love and care, treating her like a princess in a fantasy land.

The bitterness has increased as I am having to go for two years out of the neighbourhood, but I can't fathom the abuse. The false allegations, the abuse, the ups and downs. I am being destroyed emotionally. If I go to get the car fixed, I am on a hot betrayal date, if I get a facial from a female, I am a betrayer.

I know I should let her go, but I cant. I don't know what stops me, just can't

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Turkish]

Hi reflectiveimran,

What kind of false allegations, are you in legal trouble, or is it a social smear campaign?

Relationships with a person with BPD (pwBPD) are tough: staying, undecided, or leaving.

The "false triggers" as you say, are something I think all of us here can relate to. I used to call it "getting mad over stupid little things." I even used to say that, which made things worse. Inappropriate anger is certainly a trait of BPD.

We do, however, have validation tools specifically developed to help reduce conflict with pwBPD... .They are outlined in Lesson 3 in the lessons at the top of the board. Do you think they might help?

Turkish

[waverider]

Sorry to hear you have got yourself in such a mess.

I think you realize that you are on a hiding to nothing. This woman is married to someone else, so are you of the belief you have a future, or are you looking to find a palatable way to let go?

Being in a normal relationship with someone like this takes time and an enormous amount of effort and commitment to turn it around. How do you think this could pan out given you are not in a primary relationships?

In short, what is in this long term for you?

Before attempting to turn things around you need to honestly know what your goals are and why.