In love with me one day and over me the next

[Freeatlast_1]

I cannot speak for others, but I am finding it very hard to imagine how someone can be in love with me one day and over me the next. I refuse to think the love we had was not genuine, or the connection was not real. Everything we felt was real, I was able to get deep into her heart. She told me all about her childhood abuse in detail, she opened up about how damaged she is etc... .she connected to me on a soulmate level... .Then she dysregulated --> devaluation--> discard. I understand the mental illness aspect... .but when a pwBPD (I know not all are the same... .) is in a normal sane mental state... .I wonder if they feel sorry, hurt the way we do, miss us the way we do. Do they ever think therapy is key to get their love back and live a normal life? my ex didn't want to go therapy, thinking therapy was a validation of her mental illness that she was not willing to accept. Although when she was 'normal' she agreed to do "anything to make me happy, including therapy"... which didn't happen.

Anyone with BPD please come forward and share your state of mind when it came to the one person you truly loved... .the one that you opened up to, the one you called your soulmate, the only one where sex was not the most essential component of the relationship... .you get the idea. How can your heart and soul simply detach and let go when your emotions were true... .unless you tell me your emotions were not true, it was an act and self fulfilling prophecy that feeds your emotional needs... .please be honest, I need that.

[Skip]

Free'

One thing a lot of us men struggle with... .women appear to be in love with us one day and over us the next... .this is how we see it, feel it.

It's not how it happens. Did you ever boil water - nothing happens for a while  - then suddenly bubbles. It can be like this in relationships - any relationship.

In the pwBPD who are more impulsive that most, it can be both easier and harder to read.

As you go through the postmortem, I think you will be able to pick up on the signs.

Skip

P.S. It would be best not to solicit answers from pwBPD... .you will learn a lot more about diabetes from a doctor than you will from a patient.   

[Creativum]

I cannot speak for others, but I am finding it very hard to imagine how someone can be in love with me one day and over me the next. I refuse to think the love we had was not genuine, or the connection was not real. Everything we felt was real, I was able to get deep into her heart. She told me all about her childhood abuse in detail, she opened up about how damaged she is etc... .she connected to me on a soulmate level... .Then she dysregulated --> devaluation--> discard. I understand the mental illness aspect... .but when a pwBPD (I know not all are the same... .) is in a normal sane mental state... .I wonder if they feel sorry, hurt the way we do, miss us the way we do. Do they ever think therapy is key to get their love back and live a normal life? my ex didn't want to go therapy, thinking therapy was a validation of her mental illness that she was not willing to accept. Although when she was 'normal' she agreed to do "anything to make me happy, including therapy"... which didn't happen.

Anyone with BPD please come forward and share your state of mind when it came to the one person you truly loved... .the one that you opened up to, the one you called your soulmate, the only one where sex was not the most essential component of the relationship... .you get the idea. How can your heart and soul simply detach and let go when your emotions were true... .unless you tell me your emotions were not true, it was an act and self fulfilling prophecy that feeds your emotional needs... .please be honest, I need that.

It sounds a lot like my last relationship.  Mine cried on me so many times early on, shared so many things, and I opened up and shared things I'm not sure I've ever shared with anyone.  It felt great for a few months.  I was ready to give up my apartment and move in with him, and he was so thrilled about that prospect.  Then, within the span of two days, it was over.  His entire demeanor changed.  It was scary.  He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.  The reasons he gave were like something out of a teen magazine -- they were truly stupid reasons -- but when you don't actually know what you're doing, I guess you have to take your cues from somewhere.

What had happened was this:  I had finally made arrangements to move in with him, and I had finally made the decision that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with.  When you have BPD, that sort of thing will scare you to death!  The more someone with BPD loves you, the more terrified they are of losing you, and that fear is simply too much to bear.  They will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it means amputating you.  To me it's some sort of sick compliment that I'm the one he left because I'm the one who treated him well and I'm the one he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.  He just couldn't handle that.  He had to amputate me because he began to see me as a cancer that would overtake him and eventually kill him.

As for hurting and missing us?  Yes, but a person with BPD hurts and misses all the time.  It never stops with them.  It just hurts less to not have to fear abandonment.  They're never in a normal or sane state, and if they are, it's only brief.  As for therapy?  There are a lot of therapists out there who say BPD isn't treatable, and I tend to agree with them.  I don't think most people with BPD will ever get better.  Some do, but most don't, and those who do?  They require years of ongoing therapy just to function even halfway close to the way a person without the disorder does.

In my opinion, dating someone with BPD is never worth it.  If they're self-aware and in treatment, and acknowledge their disorder and have ways of coping with it?  Maybe.  But even then, if you want to date someone with BPD long-term, guess what you're going to have to do!  Learn the DBT curriculum for families and partners -- YOU have to change.  Is that worth it?

[Hopeful83]

It sounds a lot like my last relationship.  Mine cried on me so many times early on, shared so many things, and I opened up and shared things I'm not sure I've ever shared with anyone.  It felt great for a few months.  I was ready to give up my apartment and move in with him, and he was so thrilled about that prospect.  Then, within the span of two days, it was over.  His entire demeanor changed.  It was scary.  He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.  The reasons he gave were like something out of a teen magazine -- they were truly stupid reasons -- but when you don't actually know what you're doing, I guess you have to take your cues from somewhere.

What had happened was this:  I had finally made arrangements to move in with him, and I had finally made the decision that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with.  When you have BPD, that sort of thing will scare you to death!  The more someone with BPD loves you, the more terrified they are of losing you, and that fear is simply too much to bear.  They will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it means amputating you.  To me it's some sort of sick compliment that I'm the one he left because I'm the one who treated him well and I'm the one he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.  He just couldn't handle that.  He had to amputate me because he began to see me as a cancer that would overtake him and eventually kill him.

As for hurting and missing us?  Yes, but a person with BPD hurts and misses all the time.  It never stops with them.  It just hurts less to not have to fear abandonment.  They're never in a normal or sane state, and if they are, it's only brief.  As for therapy?  There are a lot of therapists out there who say BPD isn't treatable, and I tend to agree with them.  I don't think most people with BPD will ever get better.  Some do, but most don't, and those who do?  They require years of ongoing therapy just to function even halfway close to the way a person without the disorder does.

In my opinion, dating someone with BPD is never worth it.  If they're self-aware and in treatment, and acknowledge their disorder and have ways of coping with it?  Maybe.  But even then, if you want to date someone with BPD long-term, guess what you're going to have to do!  Learn the DBT curriculum for families and partners -- YOU have to change.  Is that worth it?

Interesting. I sometimes feel that my ex got engaged to this new woman because he knows (or at least thinks he knows) that there's 99.9% chance that she'll never leave him. Why? Because culturally divorce is a massive no-no to them.

I on the other hand challenged him and his rages. I told him that I'd never marry him unless he got help. I tried to get him to take a look at his behaviour and analyse why he was doing the things he was doing. With me he could open up about the sexual abuse he endured as a child and lay his soul bare. I think it made him feel safe and petrified in equal measure. When things got tough with his family, he jumped ship and took a fail-safe option.

It hurts, but I guess we'll never truly know what the answers are. I feel like I'm as close as I'll ever get to my truth, though.

[Creativum]

It sounds a lot like my last relationship.  Mine cried on me so many times early on, shared so many things, and I opened up and shared things I'm not sure I've ever shared with anyone.  It felt great for a few months.  I was ready to give up my apartment and move in with him, and he was so thrilled about that prospect.  Then, within the span of two days, it was over.  His entire demeanor changed.  It was scary.  He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.  The reasons he gave were like something out of a teen magazine -- they were truly stupid reasons -- but when you don't actually know what you're doing, I guess you have to take your cues from somewhere.

What had happened was this:  I had finally made arrangements to move in with him, and I had finally made the decision that he was the person I wanted to spend my life with.  When you have BPD, that sort of thing will scare you to death!  The more someone with BPD loves you, the more terrified they are of losing you, and that fear is simply too much to bear.  They will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it means amputating you.  To me it's some sort of sick compliment that I'm the one he left because I'm the one who treated him well and I'm the one he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.  He just couldn't handle that.  He had to amputate me because he began to see me as a cancer that would overtake him and eventually kill him.

As for hurting and missing us?  Yes, but a person with BPD hurts and misses all the time.  It never stops with them.  It just hurts less to not have to fear abandonment.  They're never in a normal or sane state, and if they are, it's only brief.  As for therapy?  There are a lot of therapists out there who say BPD isn't treatable, and I tend to agree with them.  I don't think most people with BPD will ever get better.  Some do, but most don't, and those who do?  They require years of ongoing therapy just to function even halfway close to the way a person without the disorder does.

In my opinion, dating someone with BPD is never worth it.  If they're self-aware and in treatment, and acknowledge their disorder and have ways of coping with it?  Maybe.  But even then, if you want to date someone with BPD long-term, guess what you're going to have to do!  Learn the DBT curriculum for families and partners -- YOU have to change.  Is that worth it?

Interesting. I sometimes feel that my ex got engaged to this new woman because he knows (or at least thinks he knows) that there's 99.9% chance that she'll never leave him. Why? Because culturally divorce is a massive no-no to them.

I on the other hand challenged him and his rages. I told him that I'd never marry him unless he got help. I tried to get him to take a look at his behaviour and analyse why he was doing the things he was doing. With me he could open up about the sexual abuse he endured as a child and lay his soul bare. I think it made him feel safe and petrified in equal measure. When things got tough with his family, he jumped ship and took a fail-safe option.

It hurts, but I guess we'll never truly know what the answers are. I feel like I'm as close as I'll ever get to my truth, though.

I suspect the marriage is going to be possible because this person *isn't* very attached to the new person.  It's safer.  It's paradoxical, I know.  If you don't love someone, they can't hurt you, so they're safe.  If they love you and you don't love them, it's validating and safe at the same time.  BPD is all about paradox.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Freeatlast,

I wish I had some good news to share with you, but I haven't. My BPDxbf had got clean, stopped drinking, stopped self-harming, stopped making suicide attempts, did 6 months in DBT and 18 months in schema therapy and he still did what Creativum said and left me because he loved me to much to bear:

The more someone with BPD loves you, the more terrified they are of losing you, and that fear is simply too much to bear.  They will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it means amputating you.

I think the feeling of love was real, but it was in conflict with masses of other emotions that he just couldn't cope with. He got rid of me and sacrificed the love because the other emotions were far harder for him to cope with than going back to being alone.

I feel for you though. It is hard to accept the reality you are facing. Ultimately, when you can accept that he loved you and he had to leave, you will eventually find some peace.

Love Lifewriter

PS. AS Creativum says, he may prefer to be with the new woman just because he doesn't love her. If he doesn't love her, it doesn't matter if she leaves him.

[Hopeful83]

I suspect the marriage is going to be possible because this person *isn't* very attached to the new person.  It's safer.  It's paradoxical, I know.  If you don't love someone, they can't hurt you, so they're safe.  If they love you and you don't love them, it's validating and safe at the same time.  BPD is all about paradox.

Yeah, it's mind boggling isn't it? In my case it feels like he *knew* that his actions (which were a result of his family trying to hold him back from coming to find me as we had planned) were driving me away from him (which, they were. I was angry with him for being so easily influenced), and he preempted my negative reactions by latching onto his ex. I found out they were talking etc, dumped him. Within two months - bam, engaged.

It's a long story, but yeah the push/pull behaviour is very difficult to decipher when you're in the eye of the storm. It only become a bit clearer over time when you take a step back from it all.

[Lifewriter16]

Do people fall in and out of love so quickly?

Perhaps they do or perhaps it's not all it seems. Sometimes, they just pop the love in a box and bang down the lid and hide it away in an inaccessible place in their heads because it hurts too much to feel it, the missing is too much, the pain is too overwhelming. I know they do, because I've done it. I've been in so much pain that I couldn't bear to miss him anymore, so I resorted to cutting off from my feelings.

One of the problems I think we encounter when discussing what our exes did or didn't feel for us is, that for every person with BPD there are people they date for a bit of fun, people they date whom they like but wouldn't want to be with long term, people they really love and would choose to be with long term. They have the range of relationships that we all have - we don't love everyone we date and nor do people with BPD. Our problem is knowing how emotionally significant we were to our ex. Your chap told you all along that you weren't the one for him. Others here have been told all along that they were the one... .

In my opinion, we have to find the 'story' that makes best sense of our own breakups and the explanation that works for my breakup may not work for your breakup. I may have drawn the wrong conclusions about my own situation, but it brings me peace, so it does it's job by enabling me to move on. Can I suggest that you find the 'story' that brings you peace? You know your situation. You know your ex. You know what rings true within the context of what happened between you.

If something we share or suggest doesn't work for you, ignore it because we all had different types of relationships with our BPD SOs.

Ultimately, we're all in pain and trying to find a way to deal with that pain. I'm sorry about yours.  

Love Lifewriter

[Lifewriter16]

Hi All,

I think I'm losing the plot today... .my posts don't seem to relate to this thread. I think I must have got confused with another thread I was reading. Please excuse me.

Lifewriter

[JRT]

When you have BPD, that sort of thing will scare you to death!  The more someone with BPD loves you, the more terrified they are of losing you, and that fear is simply too much to bear.  They will do anything to make themselves feel better, even if it means amputating you.  To me it's some sort of sick compliment that I'm the one he left because I'm the one who treated him well and I'm the one he loved more than anything or anyone else in the world.  He just couldn't handle that.  He had to amputate me because he began to see me as a cancer that would overtake him and eventually kill him.

As for hurting and missing us?  Yes, but a person with BPD hurts and misses all the time.  It never stops with them.  It just hurts less to not have to fear abandonment.  They're never in a normal or sane state, and if they are, it's only brief.  As for therapy?  There are a lot of therapists out there who say BPD isn't treatable, and I tend to agree with them.  I don't think most people with BPD will ever get better.  Some do, but most don't, and those who do?  They require years of ongoing therapy just to function even halfway close to the way a person without the disorder does.[/quote]
I hope that I am not breaking protocol at all... .I wanted to compliment this post; it really resonated with me and helped to reinforce what I have suspected about my  situation.

Thanks for posting this!

[SummerStorm]

My former friend started getting annoyed with her ex after about two months or so, though he didn't notice anything until after she moved in with him, after about three months.  She basically told me at that point that she saw herself having other relationships in the future.  After she tried to commit suicide and he saved her life,  she went back to idealizing him again.  That lasted for about a week or so.  Six weeks later, she decided to break up with him. 

[Freeatlast_1]

It would be best not to solicit answers from pwBPD... .you will learn a lot more about diabetes from a doctor than you will from a patient.

I agree with you! I am just so torn and confused that I just want to get into their minds. My ex told me "you made me hate love"... .it hurt her how much she loved me. It's so disordered and annoying to me. She destroyed me literally. My guts ache daily when I think of her, and I cannot hate her or paint her black... .I simply cannot do anything but love her because unfortunately, I do. I love me too, that's why I am still NC x 2 months now. So being with her sucks and being without her sucks even more.

[Lifewriter16]

My ex told me "you made me hate love"... .it hurt her how much she loved me. It's so disordered and annoying to me. She destroyed me literally. My guts ache daily when I think of her, and I cannot hate her or paint her black... .I simply cannot do anything but love her because unfortunately, I do. I love me too, that's why I am still NC x 2 months now. So being with her sucks and being without her sucks even more.

That's such a painful place to be. I know exactly what you mean when you say being with her sucks but being without her sucks even more. I found that things started to improve for me once I accepted that my pwBPD did love me just as I loved him, but we simply could not be together because it triggered so much pain.

Do you allow yourself to express the gut aching pain you experience daily? I have found that catharsis is very healing. I keep a journal, cry a lot (I don't need to do that much these days though), talk to friends when I most need strength and post on here, a lot. Keep doing what you are doing, it can and will get better.

Lifewriter  

[Skip]

I simply cannot do anything but love her because unfortunately, I do. I love me too, that's why I am still NC x 2 months now. So being with her sucks and being without her sucks even more.

You man "do not resuscitate".  She not trying to contact you 

I agree with you! I am just so torn and confused that I just want to get into their minds.

Just get in her mind. If you learn about the disorder and are self aware, you will be able to reconstruct it all and understand it.  But the first step to that is give up on the idea that all people on the BPD spectrum somehow think alike.  They don't. Not everyone reacts to "fear of abandonment" the same way or to the same degree, for example.

Keep posting... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

I think of having BPD like this:

Imagine that you apply for your dream job.  You have most of the qualifications, but you fudge a few points on your resume.  Miraculously, you land the job.  But within the first couple weeks, your boss starts to notice that you might not be what you claimed to be.  The skills you stated on your resume (that you don't actually have) end up being really important, and you are caught in a situation where you must now live up to the boss' expectations or be fired spectacularly.  You basically have two options:

1) Drive yourself crazy trying to do a job you aren't qualified for.  Pull all-nighters trying to do it right until you have no life outside of it.  The job you once thought was your "dream job" becomes such a burden that you grow to hate it very quickly.  You spend most of your time trying to ensure that you aren't fired and your career isn't ruined.

2) Quit before the crap hits the fan.  Sure, you lose your dream job, but you keep your sanity and your dignity.

pwBPD start on the assumption that the relationship is going to fail, so relationships aren't fun for them.  The entire thing is an exercise in running away from a horrible monster.  Is it any wonder they feel best when they aren't running?  The challenges of a relationship make them resent their partner because they believe themselves to be totally unable to rise to the task.  They don't really fall out of love with us, but they become disillusioned with having someone else have such a degree of influence in their lives.  They always feel like they bit off more than they can chew.  Imagine, for example, how a mortgage payment you can't afford would ruin your experience of owning a beautiful house.

[shatra]

He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.

=====Was this a defense mechanism? I have heard of this often re: BPD----they can be very detached during the breakup, covering up painful feelings

[SummerStorm]

pwBPD start on the assumption that the relationship is going to fail, so relationships aren't fun for them.  The entire thing is an exercise in running away from a horrible monster.  Is it any wonder they feel best when they aren't running?  The challenges of a relationship make them resent their partner because they believe themselves to be totally unable to rise to the task.  They don't really fall out of love with us, but they become disillusioned with having someone else have such a degree of influence in their lives.  They always feel like they bit off more than they can chew.  Imagine, for example, how a mortgage payment you can't afford would ruin your experience of owning a beautiful house.

I think this is a main reason why my former friend BPD doesn't take any pictures with friends and rarely posts actual status updates about her boyfriends on social media.  She posts lots of pictures with her boyfriends, but those can be easily deleted.  It's like she knows it won't work out, so why bother writing things that she'll just eventually have to delete?   

[SummerStorm]

He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.

=====Was this a defense mechanism? I have heard of this often re: BPD----they can be very detached during the breakup, covering up painful feelings

It's their way of coping.  They basically store bad memories and bad feelings in a secure part of their brain, where they can't escape. 

When my former friend ended our friendship the first time, I replied, "So, after all we've been through (this was a week after I visited her in the psych ward), this is it?"  She replied, "Yep."  Her ex-boyfriend told me that it was like she just didn't care.

Less than two months later, she broke up with him.  They were supposed to move across the country to live with her parents.  He was packing.  They had a yard sale.  He sold one of his guitars.  Then, one day, she basically just told him that she didn't want to move.  The next day, she started packing her stuff and said it was over.  Her ex said that she didn't show any emotion and didn't even really talk to him while she was packing. 

They shut down these feelings, but they can really only do it for so long.  My former friend already told me that she doesn't see herself living to be an old woman.  She alternates between feeling nothing at all and feeling like she wants to die.  She can't really explain why she breaks down and cries or gets angry over nothing, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that her feelings are no longer attached to memories. 

[Forteventur]

He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.

=====Was this a defense mechanism? I have heard of this often re: BPD----they can be very detached during the breakup, covering up painful feelings

It's their way of coping.  They basically store bad memories and bad feelings in a secure part of their brain, where they can't escape. 

When my former friend ended our friendship the first time, I replied, "So, after all we've been through (this was a week after I visited her in the psych ward), this is it?"  She replied, "Yep."  Her ex-boyfriend told me that it was like she just didn't care.

Less than two months later, she broke up with him.  They were supposed to move across the country to live with her parents.  He was packing.  They had a yard sale.  He sold one of his guitars.  Then, one day, she basically just told him that she didn't want to move.  The next day, she started packing her stuff and said it was over.  Her ex said that she didn't show any emotion and didn't even really talk to him while she was packing. 

They shut down these feelings, but they can really only do it for so long.  My former friend already told me that she doesn't see herself living to be an old woman.  She alternates between feeling nothing at all and feeling like she wants to die.  She can't really explain why she breaks down and cries or gets angry over nothing, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that her feelings are no longer attached to memories. 

That's exactly what my psychiatrist said. We hurt so much because we think they dont even miss us, but that's because they have such an "ability" to detach from a relationship/person/feeling.

My ex gf spent a week in my home, spending the day locked in the bedroom and, when she would come out, not talking or even looking at me, until the day she left with a bang - even throwing our rings on the street.

Last time I talked to her, though, she said that she still thinks about us sometimes (despite hating me, a lot, and already being in another r/s) but really doesnt want to go back.

[SummerStorm]

He sat down and told me it was over, and he was as cold as ice about it.  No feeling, no tears about the one thing he told me that terrified him so much, which was losing me.

=====Was this a defense mechanism? I have heard of this often re: BPD----they can be very detached during the breakup, covering up painful feelings

It's their way of coping.  They basically store bad memories and bad feelings in a secure part of their brain, where they can't escape. 

When my former friend ended our friendship the first time, I replied, "So, after all we've been through (this was a week after I visited her in the psych ward), this is it?"  She replied, "Yep."  Her ex-boyfriend told me that it was like she just didn't care.

Less than two months later, she broke up with him.  They were supposed to move across the country to live with her parents.  He was packing.  They had a yard sale.  He sold one of his guitars.  Then, one day, she basically just told him that she didn't want to move.  The next day, she started packing her stuff and said it was over.  Her ex said that she didn't show any emotion and didn't even really talk to him while she was packing. 

They shut down these feelings, but they can really only do it for so long.  My former friend already told me that she doesn't see herself living to be an old woman.  She alternates between feeling nothing at all and feeling like she wants to die.  She can't really explain why she breaks down and cries or gets angry over nothing, and I think that has a lot to do with the fact that her feelings are no longer attached to memories. 

That's exactly what my psychiatrist said. We hurt so much because we think they dont even miss us, but that's because they have such an "ability" to detach from a relationship/person/feeling.

My ex gf spent a week in my home, spending the day locked in the bedroom and, when she would come out, not talking or even looking at me, until the day she left with a bang - even throwing our rings on the street.

Last time I talked to her, though, she said that she still thinks about us sometimes (despite hating me, a lot, and already being in another r/s) but really doesnt want to go back.

They still think about us and remember us, but I think they forget how they felt about us and/or expect us to be able to detach as quickly as they do. 

My former friend had an affair with me and declared that I was "the one."  A few days after telling me this, she called me psychotic.  A few weeks after that, she ended our friendship.  Two months later, she asked me if she could live with me. 

So, even though she ended our friendship and told her now ex-boyfriend that I'm crazy, she kept my phone number and then wrote me a letter.  She wrote the letter on/around July 20th and told me never to contact her again.  But when I texted her on July 21st, she replied right away and had a brief conversation with me.  It was very cordial. 

I just can't deal with the whole "I felt that way yesterday, but I don't feel that way now" aspect of BPD.  It's too much.  I'm someone who stays pretty consistent with who I like and don't like in life. 

[Moorwen]

I'll post my case. I was her everything one day, soulmate, our love was eternal, bla, bla, bla. She would tell me how much she loved me, then i would wish her gn at end of a day and tomorrow discover she deleted my phone number, every mean to contact her (it was long distance relationship). We met over pc game and i was able to track her there to get some kind of closure but she would disappear and appear again. A week ago she told me she was leaving game, and i believed her, but she didn't. Every message i sent would be ignored on phone, for most of day then short reply half a day later. I stopped it, told her i couldn't do anymore and when i sent that i realized she blocked me. After extensive research i realized she had 2 other fools like me in same game and god knows how many in reality, which she was toying with. Every shred on information she told me i now doubt. My "love" was master liar and manipulator and cheat and never in my life i even heard of such creature. Her words made of honey but actions made of dirt... .Just watch actions, you'll pick up where you are... .I think most of people with BPD have "backup" option, at least one if not several... .I now know i was in hell... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

I just can't deal with the whole "I felt that way yesterday, but I don't feel that way now" aspect of BPD.  It's too much.  I'm someone who stays pretty consistent with who I like and don't like in life. 

This is part of what blew my mind about dealing with someone with BPD.  I have some of the traits myself, and I can be a little mercurial, but this guy made me look like the picture of stability.  Frankly, I think there's more to it than just their coping mechanisms.  I think there is something in BPD brain chemistry that makes these individuals feel totally dead if their lives aren't constantly stimulating and exciting.  If something doesn't have the potential for excitement, they become bored with it.  Labeling something boring isn't necessarily the same as painting black, IMO, but it can be.  I tend to think that this is why "replacements" are so compelling -- they provide a lot of stimulation because they're new.

Activities we had planned together would cease to interest my ex literally days or hours later.  One day he would ditch me to see a "special" friend, and the next day he wouldn't trust the guy and wouldn't care if he didn't see him for months.  When we'd go on a trip together, he'd fall in love with the location and decide he wanted to live there . . . until he got home again.  Earlier this week he was stalking my social media twice a day, and now he's not looking at all.  One day he wanted to kill his other ex girlfriend, the next day he'd be defending her.  One day he'd be very physically affectionate, the next day he'd ignore me.  One day he wanted kids, the next . . . well, you get the idea.  He knew this about himself and had learned some life strategies for keeping his options open, so to speak -- basically not committing to anything, because nothing lasted long.  But after a while it felt impossible to know him.  It's hard to feel good about a relationship when you can no longer articulate why you're compatible.

[SummerStorm]

I just can't deal with the whole "I felt that way yesterday, but I don't feel that way now" aspect of BPD.  It's too much.  I'm someone who stays pretty consistent with who I like and don't like in life. 

This is part of what blew my mind about dealing with someone with BPD.  I have some of the traits myself, and I can be a little mercurial, but this guy made me look like the picture of stability.  Frankly, I think there's more to it than just their coping mechanisms.  I think there is something in BPD brain chemistry that makes these individuals feel totally dead if their lives aren't constantly stimulating and exciting.  If something doesn't have the potential for excitement, they become bored with it.  Labeling something boring isn't necessarily the same as painting black, IMO, but it can be.  I tend to think that this is why "replacements" are so compelling -- they provide a lot of stimulation because they're new.

Yes, I also have some of the traits, but not to the extent that a pwBPD has them.  I have a friend who can be two-faced and really annoying, and there are days when I just avoid her at work because my job it stressful enough as it is, but if she comes to my classroom to talk to me or texts me after work, I won't just completely ignore her. 

I think part of it also has to do with the fact that they just don't know what they like, so they are always searching for someone who can make them "whole." I think that's why they often replace us with someone who is completely different.  It's like they think, "Oh, this new person likes baseball?  I've never been to a baseball game.  Maybe I'll go with him/her and it will be exciting!"  And sure, the first game or two will be exciting, but that's it.  Then, it will be on to someone who likes skydiving, snowboarding, etc. 

In addition to not wanting to be bored, I think they are addicted to drama because it earns them sympathy.  My former friend BPD had more dramatic things happen to her in a few months than I've had in my whole life.  It seems like she's constantly needing to be rescued from something. 

Activities we had planned together would cease to interest my ex literally days or hours later.  One day he would ditch me to see a "special" friend, and the next day he wouldn't trust the guy and wouldn't care if he didn't see him for months.  When we'd go on a trip together, he'd fall in love with the location and decide he wanted to live there . . . until he got home again.  Earlier this week he was stalking my social media twice a day, and now he's not looking at all.  One day he wanted to kill his other ex girlfriend, the next day he'd be defending her.  One day he'd be very physically affectionate, the next day he'd ignore me.  One day he wanted kids, the next . . . well, you get the idea.  He knew this about himself and had learned some life strategies for keeping his options open, so to speak -- basically not committing to anything, because nothing lasted long.  But after a while it felt impossible to know him.  It's hard to feel good about a relationship when you can no longer articulate why you're compatible.

Yes to all of this.  One day, spending the weekend with me and going to see a movie was all that my former friend wanted in life.  Actually, she went from just wanting to stay over Sunday night to wanting to stay over on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  Then, she canceled on me because she was "sick" and ignored me all weekend.  I do think part of this was fear of engulfment, but it wasn't the first (or the last) time she changed plans on me or just canceled completely. 

One day, she'd say that she never wants to get married or have kids.  The next day, she'd talk about wanting to marry me and have kids with me.  And kids were so "gross," but she managed to stop taking the Pill for a week or two and convinced her now ex-boyfriend that she might be pregnant. 

[GreenEyedMonster]

One day, she'd say that she never wants to get married or have kids.  The next day, she'd talk about wanting to marry me and have kids with me.  And kids were so "gross," but she managed to stop taking the Pill for a week or two and convinced her now ex-boyfriend that she might be pregnant. 

If I tried to pin my ex down on this issue, he'd get pretty upset, claiming that he didn't like deep conversations.  When pressed, all he could say was that he really didn't know. 

He once told me that he refused to get a tattoo because he didn't like any one thing long enough to commit to it like that.

I think the drama addiction is more than just a need for sympathy.  I think it gives them a "role" -- usually victim -- that defines them for a time and gives them a sense of identity.  For example, right now, mine is the victim of my "stalking" and gets to tell his friends all about how all women he dates are evil, etc.  It also gives them something to look forward to in the form of the solution for the problem.  It is a constant tension-release cycle that they find satisfying.  If he "forgives" me and patches things up between us, that will complete the cycle . . . for now.

[SummerStorm]

One day, she'd say that she never wants to get married or have kids.  The next day, she'd talk about wanting to marry me and have kids with me.  And kids were so "gross," but she managed to stop taking the Pill for a week or two and convinced her now ex-boyfriend that she might be pregnant. 

If I tried to pin my ex down on this issue, he'd get pretty upset, claiming that he didn't like deep conversations.  When pressed, all he could say was that he really didn't know. 

He once told me that he refused to get a tattoo because he didn't like any one thing long enough to commit to it like that.

I think the drama addiction is more than just a need for sympathy.  I think it gives them a "role" -- usually victim -- that defines them for a time and gives them a sense of identity.  For example, right now, mine is the victim of my "stalking" and gets to tell his friends all about how all women he dates are evil, etc.  It also gives them something to look forward to in the form of the solution for the problem.  It is a constant tension-release cycle that they find satisfying.  If he "forgives" me and patches things up between us, that will complete the cycle . . . for now.

And through the role of victim, they are given sympathy.  The problem is that they keep moving on to new people, so no one knows that they aren't actually a victim.  So frustrating. 

Yes, this past summer, she was a victim and I was "crazy."  Even her now ex-boyfriend, who texted me many times when she was in the hospital (and after) and had no reason to believe that I was crazy, later told me that he didn't know what to believe about me or about anyone else in her life. 

Right now, she is once again a victim and I am "crazy."  And I can only imagine what she's been telling people about her ex-boyfriend.  She told him that he was worse than some guy who supposedly smashed her head through a wall (he isn't).  She robbed him on her birthday, so he called the cops on her.  I'm sure she turned that into being a victim. 

[Confused108]

Wow a lot of these stories sound a lot like mine. My ex and I were involved as early teens. My mother broke us up and threatened my ex. After that I tried getting back with them about a year later and at 1st they were all for it. Then out of the blue oh I don't want this . Then again I love u ... .And again I don't want this. So I went on with my life. Well 28 years later this ex finds me in Facebook. Sent me a friends request and right away wanted to talk about us as teens romantically. I put her off I. The subject bc of what she had done to me as teens. She was the love of my life and she broke my heart. So this June she pressed the isue again and basically told me she still loved me. And yup like a total idiot I fell for all her BS hook line and sinker. Said she wanted to het married etc I was the love of her life etc. So for 2 months it was like I want you I don't want you crap again. Ah told me she was Bipolar diagnosed at 14 in 1988. Married 4 years and divorced. Boyfriend after that year and a half. Then picked up with some young kid early 20s from an on line chat room and had bin come to her apt for 10 day last year early this year. I live in Ny her Canada. So like an idiot I go suckered in again 28 years later. She dumped me early Sept like nothing. No tears, remorse nothing! Cold as ice. Blocked me on FB and wanted to remain friends after all the headache she caused me again. So I know what people here are going through. It just sucks!

[Confused108]

I'm sorry I forgot to mention in my rant above that I believe my ex ha been misdiagnosed... He behavior is more BPD then Bipolar.

[Herodias]

This is all so confusing. Sometimes I wonder if mine has traits of other disorders, because I don't understand how they do it either. Mine did try to contact me by creating drama that I ignored. He says he doesn't like the distance between us! Well, he is in another r/s and they are both still married! I know he thinks about me because he is paying alimony. I am not sure he would contact me otherwise. He is not saying he misses me. It is not a trait of women, because I think women think men get over things faster. I think the ones that are with someone else, move on faster by hiding in a new r/s. Hopefully that new r/s doesn't help. I don't know. It is just so upsetting.

[Confused108]

I don't know how they do it either. My ex came on very heavy! Full blown as soon as I took her bait. Right away she wanted me to move to Canada and marry her. I to be honest thought that was a little crazy so soon but I felt that we were each others 1st loves etc am I believed all the BS that came out of her mouth. I just have a very hard time with accepting how one day you are really the love of their life and literally 24 hrs later they make up stupid excuses of why they are dumping you. No tears , no remorse nothing. Cold as ice! I told my ex don't ever think of coming back to me because I will Never take you back again. Ever! So she blocked me on FB . No right away of course a few weeks later. I just don't get it. Why do they push the very people that love them the most away? It's crazy!

[living in the past]

Idealize , devalue , discard , recycle , thats the way it is, spaces inbetween,.