She doesn't have abandonment issues... or does she?

[Pacify]

Hello all, Im new here and obviously feel a little road rash, used and abused.

my gf of 1.5 yrs i believe has BPD. Ive read a lot about the subject in the last few months and first thought she was npd until ive discovered BPD as a better fit.

The only thing is she doesn't seem to have the main criteria of abandonment issues (with me) as she needs much time to herself to the point of disinterest in the relationship as she says i bring her to much stress. She does claim to love me but i see little to support this. Also I do not believe self harm is an issue.  She and I are recovering addicts that have been clean for a year.

I know this is not much to go on but believe me she has all the other signs.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[married21years]

the abandonment wont kick in until she gets worried you are leaving,

if you give all the contact and love she will be pushing you away maybe?

the dont want to lose you and they dont want you too close

[Sunfl0wer]

Can you describe some of the traits she does seem to have and examples of how she displays them?

Is it possible that being a recovering addict, that many BPD traits are also codependent and immaturity traits that are similar to a person who has had an addiction issue?

[Pacify]

She goes into rages, has temper tantrums when she doesn’t get her way, has thrown smart phone on the ground,  threatened to call the cops on me ( I am holding her medication so she doesn’t abuse it).  

Will not talk about what is bothering her,  went from shutting down when there was no where to go, then when we (SHE) got a car just started leaving, then silent treatment for a weekend at a time until I told her I would not stand for that, now she just breaks up with me, causing a scene if there is an audience.   When I ask her to talk about it she says she needs space, it’s a bad time as if timing is always off when I want to discus it, now she just resorts to saying I already told you, how many times do I need to tell you, been telling you for months, you never listen, bla bla.  Anything to avoid actual dialog.  

When I  say things she will twist it and turn it into something else that’s either 10 times worse than what I said or entirely different all together.  

VERY sensitive to criticism to the point where I need to screen what I say to her, it’s almost as if I don’t get to express my feeling to her at all or they don’t matter.  

She is always right about everything all the time and I have a different point of view, no matter how trivial she will get angry.  

She has accused me of behavior of hers, says im the reason she goes into rages or always feels sick, needs space and says I stress her out. No one else causes her this stress although she  cant hold a job and has no friends.  I think this stress is bucause she cannot handle an intimate relationship. Has bizarre eating habits which I have no idea why she cant eat with others or she doesn't like the sound of chewing.  

Does not seem to grasp the give and take thing with others.  

Does only what she wants and when I ask her to help with things she is not a slave.  

There is more but I just cant go on.

[Mike-X]

Abandonment fears often manifest in avoidance and periodic retreat - even devaluation.

If you had excessive fear of fire, you wouldn't eliminate it, you would over-control it and over-protect yourself from it - never trust it - sometimes deny you dependence on it.  

This is not so obvious at first.

Make sense?

[Pacify]

you can mark this thread closed!   

but seriously,

is it even possible to have a relationship with someone with this "mentality" for lack of a better word?

[Sunfl0wer]

you can mark this thread closed!   

but seriously,

is it even possible to have a relationship with someone with this "mentality" for lack of a better word?

Browse around here, ask questions, take a peek into some of the threads to help you understand the dynamics of those who stay, why they do it, how they do it.

It is possible, however, I do not know that it is possible with every person with BPD. (Just as many non BPD persons can be also emotionally or otherwise unavailable for a r/s)

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

Hello all, Im new here and obviously feel a little road rash, used and abused.

my gf of 1.5 yrs i believe has BPD. Ive read a lot about the subject in the last few months and first thought she was npd until ive discovered BPD as a better fit.

The only thing is she doesn't seem to have the main criteria of abandonment issues (with me) as she needs much time to herself to the point of disinterest in the relationship as she says i bring her to much stress. She does claim to love me but i see little to support this. Also I do not believe self harm is an issue.  She and I are recovering addicts that have been clean for a year.

I know this is not much to go on but believe me she has all the other signs.

Welcome... .and congratulations on your recovery.