She changed quickly and left

[ARobert87]

Hey all,

About 6 days ago my ex broke off our relationship which left me hurt and devastated. She has had BPD diagnosed and for 8 years been trying therapy and other treatments. I'm just trying to understand a couple of things. One being that will she come back?

(Sorry this is a bit of an essay of the whole thing)

In my past I have only had 2 relationships one which lasted 9 months and the other which lasted 2 and a half years. I have had 'flings' with other women in between but have always been the one to break it off as I didnt feel anything long lasting.

I'm 28, male and thought I finally met someone after two years of being single and just myself (I wasnt interested in looking for even anything during this time, just focusing on myself). I met this girl through her mother at our local. She introduced me to her and I was just a typical person saying hello (although I was wanting to talk to her as she did get my attention, which I thought was odd). Later we both started talking and found out we had similar interests.

For 2 months after that we would just text every day to each other, just seeing how we are, how our day has gone etc. I started to really like this girl like I felt comfortable in just talking to her. One night she came down to see her mother and we met up again at the local pub and we just couldnt stop chatting and being together. Once the night ended in the local I asked her if she wanted to come to another place that does rock music and is open til late and she said yes. We had a good time and thats when we just looked at each other, hugged then kissed. We did become intimate a couple of days later, and she said she never showed her body to anyone since her last partner which was nearly 2 years ago, all because of the scars and that she was ashamed about herself. I saw nothing wrong and said she had a beautiful body. She just said it felt weird for her as she never felt comfortable like this with anyone before.

About two weeks later (we were more talkative now in texts and calls) I visited her and stayed at hers for the weekend which was also my birthday. Thats when I opened up to her saying that its hard for me to fall for someone, that in the past I have been hurt but it takes alot for me to trust but with her it seems to be different. Soon after that we started a relationship. Within this time we started making future commitments, which I understand is the whole honeymoon period and we had a rushing element of love and commitment to each other. She would even drive 2 hours from where she lived just to come and see me at night (one time my mates birthday and she just came down).

I said I can move up nearer to her, leave my job and get something new. This was during the christmas period and she was going abroad for that time to visit family. She told me though around this time about her past (about her ex and how he belittled her, to childhood trauma) and her condition(s) she has, but it didnt phase me as I just wanted her to be herself. She left me something that made me feel so appreciated that when she got back it made me love her even more. It was several pages of song lyrics that made her think of me with small notes on what they mean and how she has never felt like this before.

When she got back I noticed she was a bit distant but still loving. We even viewed a house together that she found for us and was so excited about it.

Then one evening about a week later I get a long text saying about how I need to understand why she has her friends in high self esteem and that I cant be her world etc. I was confused and just said 'thats fine' but I asked her mother about it. Her mother later on texted her and she soon went defensive towards me saying that I should ask her not her mum. I know this is a problem with trust but this text was so long and quite pushy that I didnt know who else to talk to. Since that I saw that she was pushing me away (I even saw some entries she made about wanting to sabotage but save this relationship around that same time). She kept on being more distant. I said to her about me handing in my notice at work as I was preparing to come up and get a job (as I had an interview planned) and even said about how I can find my own place at least as she then decided not to move out of her current house shared place.

When I arrived she was cold and didnt want any personal contact. I thought thats fine I understand, she just wants some space.

I gave her a gift (a piece of meteorite in a pendant) and said about how we first met we saw a shooting star and how much I wanted to give it to her as a first gift. She liked it... .well basically said 'Thats really cool' read the letter I did with it, smiled and put it back in the envelope.

The job interview didnt go well and I couldnt accept it, and noticed things werent going well between us either (she wouldnt even share a bed because she felt it was triggering past problems) with even me being in the house causing that.

This made me feel so bad that I couldnt do anything, so I left early so that I wasnt causing anymore stress for her and to give her space (that she said she needed). I asked her housemate who also suffers the same just to look out for her and know what she means to me. Later get a text saying the same thing about the time when I spoke to her mother etc but that she appreciates my concern. I didnt contact her for a week and when I did she just said she is alright but cant talk right now, no energy, sorry.

I sent a text later that night (as I had aaw she wanted to plan an overdose in an entry) just saying how much she is appreciated by others, that she is loved by her friends and me, that we will face rough waters but we will sail over them and get to our destination no matter what.

I then get a multitued of texts one after the other saying how I have lied in the past about my drinking (two occasions one at christmas and one at a friends memorial) and that she cant take the intensity although I never got drunk or violent around her, this was done in my own time with my friends. She then quickly started staing on how this is going fast and in a short time, how much I dont know about her and her about me (although we both talked alot about ourselves), and even said it was including her for the rushing. And then ended by saying that we are different and communicate differently and doesnt know how it can be fixed. I only replied back just saying how much she means to me and that I will also work on our relationship, which meant understanding her condition more, reading books and even going to therapy. she replied the next day just saying I say the same things and nothing can be done as she cant be in a relationship when she cant even be herself... .which twisted everything I said previously in that I wanted her to be herself, going out seeing friends etc.

Couple of days later she then sends a text saying that she cant do a relationship right now and has been talking and thinking about it with others (not sure if therapsit is one of them). She mentioned how it would be unfair on me but also to herself a she cant commit any time or energy, but how she read and understands everything I said losing sleep over it etc, how awful she feels but doesnt feel comfortable anymore in it. I replied just saying I respect what she has thought about and accept it, but said that I will always be there for support and just to talk to, saying she doesnt have to apologise for anything  and that I would always be there no matter what.

Of course NC has now happened, and she seems to be making others feel sorry for her, but I have learnt recently she has had an OD. She recovering, but not sure how she feels because of NC.

I just want to know what has gone on, as I have read so many posts with similar backgrounds on being loved and appreciatted to a high extent, something of which I havent felt in a long time (around 5 years), to then her just not seeing me the same way, although i just was the same throughout our whole time knowing each other. Will she come back at some point even though her life seems so low and dangerous at the moment? I just wish I could also be there for her, not to save her as I know I cant do that, but to just let her know I understand and that I see her for herself, and making that recovery.

Sorry this is so long, but its most of the details from my point of view. Will be appreciated if any replies come through though.

Thanks

Robert J.

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[MapleBob]

Many aspects of your story feel very familiar to me. She may or may not come back, and the difficult reality is that you have to be prepared for either eventuality. She sounds like she is on a very self-destructive path (probably a familiar one for her), and may need to bottom out before she can pull herself back together. Her general statement about not being able to devote the time/effort/energy, and not being able to handle the intensity, and more-or-less throwing the whole kitchen sink of breakup reasons at you is common in these BPD breakups. pwBPD feel very intense emotions, often can't stabilize themselves, and many of them try to blame others to avoid responsibility or committing to change. It is also possible that you stir up a lot of emotion in her, and she can barely handle the emotions that she's already dealing with.

Do you have any information on her past, or past relationships? I think that may be valuable information to share.

[livednlearned]

Hey AR87,

It's not a very stable inner life for her, and her sense of self is a lot less defined. That's a pretty scary combination. Add to that a lot of self-loathing and trust issues, plus difficulties handling stress -- that adds up to a lot of effort just to get through the day. Throw in an intense fast-moving relationship and her own difficulty establishing boundaries, and it becomes overwhelming. She was taking care of herself when she pulled away even though it might jeopardize the relationship.

Like MapleBob mentioned, it's hard to know if she will come back or not. The key thing is to be prepared if she does reach out. She'll probably have a lot of shame and want to avoid too much heavy talk, especially about the relationship.

Is that something you could do?

[ARobert87]

Hey guys,

thank you for your replies and for reading through what I put.

MapleBob:

Yeah she is on a self-destructive path at the moment, with her emotions being so low and despressed she finds it hard to cope with each day. As I said she recently overdosed and just now recovering from that. I do hope she does pull through soon though as even though we're not together I hate to hear that she is going through this. I'm considering to go through therapy myself just to get my head around things. I joined on here too just to get some clarifiction from others (like your good selves) and I have started reading books about BPD - nonBPD relationships (stop walking on eggshells being one of the main recommendations).

I did study psychology at university (got a degree) but its different from reading/learning about the condition then actually being with someone with the condition. The side effects that are put onto the co-dependant/non are quite scary.

Her past is everything you can match with someone who has BPD. She was (sexually) abused as a child (around the age of 7), her parents didnt get on and split, and she would constantly move around places (countries). She had a long term relationship that lasted 4 years which apparently ended 2 years ago and she hasnt opened up to any since (similar to me after my last relationship). But her previous ex would abuse her physically and emotionally, he would make her ill (e.g putting diet pills in her food so she wouldnt eat/become more anorexic) just so he could look after her, he would belittle her in front of people (even friends and family, her mother even said this to me). To top it off he cheated on her and abused her pet dogs.

Thats al I can give on her past from which I know, she even thinks I didnt listen to her/ wasnt interested when she said all this and why she goes into these panic attacks/ptsd episodes, even though I took well on board what she said.

LivednLearned:

Yeah it is hard for me to think will she come back or not? This person who was thinking she had a future ahead of her with me etc has now just gone opposite. I understand with what you say, and even read similar stories on here when they do reach out. I know from my perspective I would talk to her if she ever did contact again and as you rightly said avoid heavy talk. I would just ask how she is doing (even though I know what has happened in the last week and how she really does feel). She will probably say shes fine but I will just have to know she isnt.

I am prepared for that, just to get back into contact would be a start really. Its hard as well because I'm now 'considered' as one of the family as I met quite a few of them (cousins, aunties, sister etc) and they all seem to like me saying things like she hasnt had someone like this before who hasnt ran away because of her condition and willing to see it through.

I spoke to her mother last night. She just said she doesnt understand why whenever she is happy she will just break it down and leave it. She has even severed contact with her mother (not sure if that is to do with past issues though).