She emailed that she wants a divorce

[415]

so after 11 years my wife just responded by email with "Sorry but I'm not willing to debate things any further. I feel our relationship is done. Please proceed with the separation/divorce agreement and let me know when you would like me to review them."  I'm still trying to even figure out why she's leaving.  This is ridiculous.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi 415,

I'm sorry to hear that your wife is giving you a hard time, I can understand how confusing and distressing a pwBPD can be with what they say, maybe you want stability in the r/s and work towards that and your efforts are not working, things are still unstable.

Did she send another email? Did she change her mind or is she saying that she wants a divorce?

[415]

no she didn't.  truthfully, other than her answering me if i needed something signed per our split, i doubt i'll hear from her again.  I think she'll be stubborn like that and think that i'm blaming her.  anyone that is close to us that knows the both of us thinks she's crazy to give up the life she has, but ultimately the only person's feelings that matter are hers.  she has a family history of people that run away from problems thinking they are strong and taking control of their lives when the people around them see that they are really shooting themselves in the foot.  my sister and brother-in-law are the closest people to us and they'd probably kill me if i were to accept her back.   the personality she shows to others is one of happy, friendly, outgoing etc. so i'm sure all of her friends/family are being told that she's leaving because of her not getting what she needs at home and being supportive of it.   the people that really know what's going on things she's crazy.  she went back to see her old therapist that has only met her twice and that therapist told her she doesn't have BPD.   That therapist has never met me so doesn't have my observations.  Not that she's unqualified but she's been in practice for 5 yrs vs the 31yrs that our therapist has been practicing, the one that has met both me and my wife separately and together over several months.  Because my wife worked from home, she now is without a job and living with a friend, so i doubt that she'll continue paying for therapy.  I had asked her to go to our therapist that diagnosed her to have him confirm the diagnosis to her and give her suggestions on what to do going forward, but she doesn't want to go back to him.  Now that she saw this other therapist that tells her what she wants to hear she'll prefer that and most likely never change.   My only hope would be that she continues therapy and that therapist would eventually see it.  I watched a video from this website (jeckyll & hyde?) and that was 100% her... .so having her therapist say she's not BPD is ridiculous.  My wife told me that her therapist's sister is BPD so she knows about it and the sister is addicted to pain meds, so my wife justifies her non-diagnosis by saying she's not addicted to any meds.  sigh...

[Mutt]

It sounds like she’s not willing to accept the diagnosis for now. She may or may not down the road - she is who she is. Have you thought about accepting for who she is?

[415]

if I am to be completely honest, no I haven't thought of accepting that that's who she is.   Mostly because its been 11 years, she was my best friend, and leaving our life with what seems to be no effort to work on it has me stuck in the disbelieve/denial phase.   I keep wondering how she can't look at her life and even compare it to all of the people around her who constantly complain about their marriages and be thankful for what she has. 

[Red5]

Evening 415,

I keep wondering how she can't look at her life and even compare it to all of the people around her who constantly complain about their marriages and be thankful for what she has.

It amazes me as well, that how can pw/BPD, can be so destructive... .to the marriage... .the home environment... .so nasty to others... .me, it’s perplexing... .still hard to understand... .it defies logic.

I asked my uBPDw wife a couple of years ago, how her two other older foo sisters and their husbands have gotten along all the years, both thirty plus years married at this point... .she said to me, ‘V & R’ (BIL’s) love my sisters very much... .well I’ve found out far different now in the past two years... .essentially both these men are beaten shells... .I’ve heard a lot of stories from both of them, .in fact ‘V’ who is married to the middle sister... .wow, he told me a little _too much_ one night this last fall while we were out fishing one night.

... .’yeah wow’

Dysfunction is normal it seems in uBPDw’s foo... .as in, things are peaceful and secure, so let’s set that on end!

All very interesting but very sad... .at the same time.

Red5