Your biggest regret?

[kc sunshine]

I think my biggest regret was how invalidating I was.

When she would rage or get angry, I wouldn't JADE, and would leave the situation and/or ask her to leave.

That was better than fighting, but it left us with a lot of unfinished talking/dealing with real issues. After the rage was done, and she'd got herself back together, we'd just go back to being loving to one another. Now I wish I had validated her more and tried to get at some mutual understanding before it was too late .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Anez]

My biggest regret is hooking up with someone I work with and now get to see 5 days a week... .

But in all seriousness I guess it was not knowing about BPD and what would push her away after she backed away. I was emotional and tried really hard to get her to come back. I just didn't know what I was going up against and did a lot of the wrong - but loving - things.

[MapleBob]

I feel like I comported myself very well in limbo for ten months, so I have very few regrets. I'd say the main regret I still harbor is continuing to believe that I had the power to change her or teach her something about herself that would make her more manageable. Believing that I could change her or encourage her to change to make things better. I'm really going to start looking for people who volunteer their change and compromise. Besides, it's egotistical to think that I could change her mind, and that's not a guy that I want to be.

But I don't regret a single moment of knowing her, despite the pain and abuse that she put me through.

[VeraTrue]

I'm visiting from the detaching forum. My biggest regret/s:

1. This may sound trite or flippant, I don't mean it to be: I really regret that I ever met her in the first place.

2. I deeply regret that I didn't listen to my body's responses and my intuition that something wasn't right. I thought I was being insecure and untrusting. But actually, that was my legitimate and justified unease, and I was right. Now I know: when the words and the actions don't match, believe the actions and make decisions accordingly.

[LonelyChild]

I think my biggest regret was how invalidating I was.

When she would rage or get angry, I wouldn't JADE, and would leave the situation and/or ask her to leave.

That was better than fighting, but it left us with a lot of unfinished talking/dealing with real issues. After the rage was done, and she'd got herself back together, we'd just go back to being loving to one another. Now I wish I had validated her more and tried to get at some mutual understanding before it was too late .

Unlike you, I tried to validate and deal with issues, talk etc with my uBPDxgf. It doesn't work either. pwBPD generally have a very hard time solving problems (think of it - their behavior is often that of an infant; cry until the problem disappears. When an infant is hungry, s/he cries. Same when s/he needs to pee, poop, sleep or whatever. This works as an infant - cry and mommy comes to fix the problem.) and so it would generally end with her cyring hysterically, hurting herself, hitting her head against the wall, running out from the apartment etc, all with me being 100% calm and saying "hey, it's ok, I'm not mad, let's take a break, relax." There's nothing you can do to manage it in a way that is healthy for both of you. You either fix her perceived problem like a mommy fixes the infants problem (until the infant is upset for some other reason) or you face her rage.

[Muradin]

I'm visiting from the detaching forum. My biggest regret/s:

1. This may sound trite or flippant, I don't mean it to be: I really regret that I ever met her in the first place.

2. I deeply regret that I didn't listen to my body's responses and my intuition that something wasn't right. I thought I was being insecure and untrusting. But actually, that was my legitimate and justified unease, and I was right. Now I know: when the words and the actions don't match, believe the actions and make decisions accordingly.

Vera. I relate somewhat. I regret letting my wife (separated atm) control me, believing that if I just submitted a little more she would shower me with affection. I know that isn't going to happen now, but I fear that the damage has already been done, both to her and myself. Then in my deepest fears, I become angry and I feel a regret for ever knowing her. The most difficult part is missing her and loving her at the same time as wishing I never let her turn me into an emotional vegetable (I realize I'm projecting here). They say "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." But I'm having a hard time agreeing with that statement. I want to forgive her, but I am, at the same time, so angry at her.